elaine greenwood-hyde

Hi,

Been lurking for ages. :) I feel quite strongly that a very important
issue with adopted children is that they know from when they are tiny that
they are adopted. Not in a kind of big deal kind of way but just in a it's
'known' kind of ways and that they were 'picked' specially by their mum or
dad or whatever or some other way of letting them know they were very much
wanted.
My mother is adopted, so is my partners father and also my ex hubby is
adopted. They are all fine, they all knew from a very early age so early
they can't even remember when they first knew about it. It seems that people
who are told later on that they are adopted seem to suffer quite a severe
trauma. I've seen it happen and it really worries me when I have heard ppl
say they aren't even going to tell their child about it until they're old
enough to 'understand'. It's too late then.

Best Wishes, Elaine

I am a SAHM with 2 girls aged 6 and 16 and live in the UK *waves at
Shyrley* :)





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Myranda

OK... hmmm, what about when one parent feels strongly that the child should never be told?
Myranda

From: elaine greenwood-hyde
Hi,

Been lurking for ages. :) I feel quite strongly that a very important
issue with adopted children is that they know from when they are tiny that
they are adopted. Not in a kind of big deal kind of way but just in a it's
'known' kind of ways and that they were 'picked' specially by their mum or
dad or whatever or some other way of letting them know they were very much
wanted.
My mother is adopted, so is my partners father and also my ex hubby is
adopted. They are all fine, they all knew from a very early age so early
they can't even remember when they first knew about it. It seems that people
who are told later on that they are adopted seem to suffer quite a severe
trauma. I've seen it happen and it really worries me when I have heard ppl
say they aren't even going to tell their child about it until they're old
enough to 'understand'. It's too late then.

Best Wishes, Elaine

I am a SAHM with 2 girls aged 6 and 16 and live in the UK *waves at
Shyrley* :)





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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Fetteroll

on 11/16/02 8:16 AM, Myranda at myrandab@... wrote:

> OK... hmmm, what about when one parent feels strongly that the child should
> never be told?

They need to recognize that they aren't in control of whether the child
finds out or not about being adopted. The information is out there. The
child can and probably will find out at some point. They are only in control
of whether the child hears it from the parents first or from some other
source. And how damaging will it be if it come first from some other source?

Joyce

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/16/02 8:20:49 AM Eastern Standard Time,
myrandab@... writes:

>
> OK... hmmm, what about when one parent feels strongly that the child should
> never be told?
> Myranda
>
>

Why not?
Elissa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

I was in to watching news shows last night and vegging. One of them, I think
Prime Time had a preview for an upcoming show. It was about a boy of asian
decent who was adopted and found his parents. It looked like he was maybe
thinking of leaving to go with them as the adoptive parents were very afraid
he would go. It looked rather traumatic for all involved. Not sure when it
will be on.

Mary B






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[email protected]

I would love to know what led up to him wanting to go with his birth family.
There has to be more there than just the adoption issue.
Elissa
\ps, when you find out more will you let us know?


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

>From: "Myranda" <myrandab@...>

<<OK... hmmm, what about when one parent feels strongly that the child
should never be told?>>



I think this is definitely something that should be agreed upon before the
child is even adopted. I think there are a lot of things parents and yet to
be coupled individuals should discuss and agree on way before the union and
children come.

Mary B


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[email protected]

In a message dated 11/16/02 9:39:55 AM, mummyone24@... writes:

<< <<OK... hmmm, what about when one parent feels strongly that the child
should never be told?>> >>

Here's one: Marriage during pregnancy, new husband accepts born baby as his,
the boy is never told he has another biological father.

Parents divorce when he's 12ish. The mom had always intended to tell him
when they started talking about sexual responsibility and such. The dad who
was not the bio dad but ALWAYS the legal dad and the practical dad, did NOT
want him told.

Now he's grown. 20 or so. When he was 18, he still didn't know.

The mom has talked to me about this lots, often, and sometimes has been near
to tell him. Then not.

Sandra

Robyn Coburn

People should know their biological heritage for medical reasons -
genetic diseases, increased risks etc. I got asked all sorts of
questions about my father's family when we had some "genetic counseling"
before getting CVS when I was pregnant, that I had no answer for. I just
don't much about my father's family except that they were fecund.



Robyn Coburn







<<Now he's grown. 20 or so. When he was 18, he still didn't know.>>





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/16/02 6:49:34 PM Eastern Standard Time,
dezigna@... writes:

> fecund

fecund \FEE-kuhnd; FEK-uhnd\, adjective:
1. Capable of producing offspring or vegetation; fruitful; prolific.
2. Intellectually productive or inventive.


> For 21 years after the birth of the Prince of Wales, the fecund royal couple
> produced children at the rate of two every three years -- eight boys and
> six girls in all.
> --Saul David, <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0802137032/lexico">Prince of Pleasure</A>
>
> In her first novel she portrays a lush, fecund landscape palpable in its
> sultriness and excess.
> --Barbara Crossette, "Seeking Nirvana," <A HREF="http://www.nytimes.com/">New York Times</A>, April 29, 2001
>
> Miss Ozick can convert any skeptic to the cult of her shrewd and fecund
> imagination.
> --Edmund White, "Images of a Mind Thinking," <A HREF="http://www.nytimes.com/">New York Times</A>, September 11,
> 1983
>
> Wainscott's book is . . . focused squarely and surely on probably the most
> astonishingly fecund period in American theater history, 1914-1929.
> --James Coakley, Comparative Drama
>
>

Fecund comes from Latin fecundus, "fruitful, prolific." The noun form is
fecundity. ADVERTISEMENT <A HREF="http://servedby.advertising.com/click/site=130660/bnum=73380320"> </A>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

No chance of the child finding out, no chance of the child ever meeting or knowing about birthparents or their families, worried about reactions from child, siblings, grandparents, and other family members.
Myranda
From: Earthmomma67@...
myrandab@... writes:

>
> OK... hmmm, what about when one parent feels strongly that the child should
> never be told?
> Myranda
>
>

Why not?
Elissa



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

Very close situation.
Myranda

From: SandraDodd@...
Here's one: Marriage during pregnancy, new husband accepts born baby as his,
the boy is never told he has another biological father.

Parents divorce when he's 12ish. The mom had always intended to tell him
when they started talking about sexual responsibility and such. The dad who
was not the bio dad but ALWAYS the legal dad and the practical dad, did NOT
want him told.

Now he's grown. 20 or so. When he was 18, he still didn't know.

The mom has talked to me about this lots, often, and sometimes has been near
to tell him. Then not.

Sandra

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/16/02 8:23:01 PM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< No chance of the child finding out, >>

I stand by my previous statement that it's WRONG. That child may have a
medical condition in which knowledge about the birth parents is vital one day.
And there is ALWAYS a chance they could find out.


Ren
Unschooling support at pensacolaunschoolers.com
And remember,
"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"

Robyn Coburn

My father was one of eight boys, his father one of fifteen .boys. My
father was born in Cologne, Germany in either 1916 or 1917. That's all I
know. Did someone ask - I wasn't following the thread fully.



Robyn Coburn







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/16/2002 8:32:34 PM Central Standard Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:

> <<No chance of the child finding out, >>
>
> I stand by my previous statement that it's WRONG. That child may have a
> medical condition in which knowledge about the birth parents is vital one
> day.
> And there is ALWAYS a chance they could find out.
>

I think in the situation described, that it's very possible the child will
never find out. What if a woman had an affair that resulted in pregnancy
right before her wedding? Wouldn't everyone assume it was a honeymoon baby?
I think only the woman could possibly know for sure.

I think this kind of thing has probably happened lots of times in human
history and no one except the two involved could even suspect it. So, do you
still think, if the woman has a change of heart when the child is say, 18,
maybe divorced from the man who raised the child, maybe not, that she should
disrupt that child's entire life to tell her secret?

Tuck


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

I understand this would be the case in most situations.
Myranda

From: starsuncloud@...
I stand by my previous statement that it's WRONG. That child may have a
medical condition in which knowledge about the birth parents is vital one day.
And there is ALWAYS a chance they could find out.


Ren
Unschooling support at pensacolaunschoolers.com
And remember,
"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

Hi Robyn,
I was asking about how adopted children felt about learning they were adopted.
Myranda
From: Robyn Coburn
My father was one of eight boys, his father one of fifteen .boys. My
father was born in Cologne, Germany in either 1916 or 1917. That's all I
know. Did someone ask - I wasn't following the thread fully.



Robyn Coburn







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

>From: tuckervill@...

<<So, do you still think, if the woman has a change of heart when the child
is say, 18, maybe divorced from the man who raised the child, maybe not,
that she should disrupt that child's entire life to tell her secret?>>

I know this wasn't directed at me but I would have to say yes. There is
always a chance that the child/adult will find out. Could be something as
simple as a blood test and medical records. The offspring would feel
betrayed but nothing like if he found out way later in life and wondered why
he was lied to for so long. Maybe even the mother would be dead and then
where would he go with questions he has? It's happened before and why take a
chance like that with someone's life?

Mary B


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[email protected]

In a message dated 11/16/02 8:27:03 PM Eastern Standard Time,
myrandab@... writes:

> No chance of the child finding out,

How can one Know this? Medically it's not that difficult to determine.
There's blood types, DNA that don't match. What would happen to the child
when the doctor innocently says something?

no chance of the child ever meeting or knowing about birthparents or their
families,
Shouldn't that be up to the child?


worried about reactions from child, siblings, grandparents, and other family
> members.

I'm not sure I understand this. What type of reactions , when the child
"finds out"? If it is not hidden there won't be a big traumatic reaction. If
it is hidden, there will be for sure. What type of reactions from relatives
are you thinking about? They'll ALL know. Not being pregnant one day and a
parent the next day would be pretty obvious. And there are alot of people
that would have to keep a pretty big secret for a whole life time. Not many
people could or would want to do that.
My personal opinion is it would be child abuse to keep a lie that big from
one's child.
I hope that Adoption continues to be the open loving way of becoming family.
I would hate for it to go back to the shameful hidden secret it used to be.
Elissa

> Myranda
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/17/02 8:13:59 AM Eastern Standard Time,
tuckervill@... writes:

> I think in the situation described, that it's very possible the child will
> never find out. What if a woman had an affair that resulted in pregnancy
> right before her wedding? Wouldn't everyone assume it was a honeymoon
> baby?
> I think only the woman could possibly know for sure

But that's a very different situation than adopting a child and not telling.
I thought that was the original question. When a child is adopted and one
parent doesn't want to tell.
Elissa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/17/2002 1:56:09 PM Eastern Standard Time,
Earthmomma67@... writes:
> No chance of the child finding out,

Two can keep a secret..... if one is dead.

~Kelly


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

> No chance of the child finding out,

How can one Know this? Medically it's not that difficult to determine.
There's blood types, DNA that don't match. What would happen to the child
when the doctor innocently says something?
** Blood type matches adoptive dad, no reason for dna tests to ever be done.


no chance of the child ever meeting or knowing about birthparents or their
families,
Shouldn't that be up to the child?

** Usually, yes. Identity unknown and no way to find out in this case.


worried about reactions from child, siblings, grandparents, and other family
> members.

I'm not sure I understand this. What type of reactions , when the child
"finds out"? If it is not hidden there won't be a big traumatic reaction. If
it is hidden, there will be for sure. What type of reactions from relatives
are you thinking about?

** Some people are very snooty and will not have anything to do with a child if he is not of their blood.

They'll ALL know. Not being pregnant one day and a
parent the next day would be pretty obvious.

** In this case, the child is with the birthmother, it's the dad who is not the bio dad.

And there are alot of people
that would have to keep a pretty big secret for a whole life time.

** So far, we have two of these in my family, and it's the third that's being debated.
Myranda

Not many
people could or would want to do that.
My personal opinion is it would be child abuse to keep a lie that big from
one's child.
I hope that Adoption continues to be the open loving way of becoming family.
I would hate for it to go back to the shameful hidden secret it used to be.
Elissa




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

Yes, but only adopted (or simply put name on birth certificate) by dad.
Myranda

But that's a very different situation than adopting a child and not telling.
I thought that was the original question. When a child is adopted and one
parent doesn't want to tell.
Elissa




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/17/02 7:26:00 PM Eastern Standard Time,
myrandab@... writes:

> .
>
> ** In this case, the child is with the birthmother, it's the dad who is
> not the bio dad.
>
>

I think this has been a confusing discussion because it started out by asking
about adoption but turns out it's not about that at all. So my first answers
can't apply.
In the case above, then the child probably shouldn't be told, but does the
Dad know that the child is not his? That also makes it different. How old is
the child? Is the Dad listed on the birth certificate or is the bio-dad or
"unknown"? Does he need to adopt the child legally and that's why the
question has come up?

If the dad knows all, the child should be told if he is very young and there
is still a chance that learning this won't ruin his life (say under 3). As to
the relatives, if they are going to be that snooty, why would one want them
to have an influence over that poor child's life? Even if that attitude is
not directed at the child, it will still effect him. He'll learn their
attitude. as to health and DNA, who knows what diseases lurk in the bio-dad's
genes? If telling will destroy the family, then it's not worth it.
Elissa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Myranda

There are several different things going on right now in my family involving "real" adoption, adoption by a "new" dad, and straight out lies about a dad. I'm trying to gain some perspective over all the situations.

In the case I'm speaking of now, yes the dad knows. He, not the bio dad, is listed on the birth certificate. The child is 5. There is some question of legalities, and adoption is being considered. There is no chance of getting a medical history from bio-dad. Yes, we have a rather snooty part of the family, but that is the only family the child would have. Me and my cousins grew up spending time with all their attitudes, and only one of us ended up with those attitudes for ourselves. We all saw how hurtful the attitudes were. This generation's children will see the same thing, I'm sure.
Myranda

From: Earthmomma67@...
I think this has been a confusing discussion because it started out by asking
about adoption but turns out it's not about that at all. So my first answers
can't apply.
In the case above, then the child probably shouldn't be told, but does the
Dad know that the child is not his? That also makes it different. How old is
the child? Is the Dad listed on the birth certificate or is the bio-dad or
"unknown"? Does he need to adopt the child legally and that's why the
question has come up?

If the dad knows all, the child should be told if he is very young and there
is still a chance that learning this won't ruin his life (say under 3). As to
the relatives, if they are going to be that snooty, why would one want them
to have an influence over that poor child's life? Even if that attitude is
not directed at the child, it will still effect him. He'll learn their
attitude. as to health and DNA, who knows what diseases lurk in the bio-dad's
genes? If telling will destroy the family, then it's not worth it.
Elissa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

" I think about if he was in a structured home with lots
of rules, curriculum and demands he would not have the opportunity to
heal from his losses until he was much much older."

Yes. I think unschooling gives the best chance for healing and is
definitely an amazing environment for any child.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com