Re: Digest Number 46
Kelly Thielen
> EmbracingDenise,
> unschooling was a process for me; a journey. How do you "explain" that
> to someone else? Why should we be required to? We don't have to explain
> to them why we go to the church we do, or why we shop at the grocery
> store we do, etc., etc.
Thank you so much for this wonderul & empowering letter you wrote to
Robin. I copied it so I can read it again & again, for myself.
I am continuously surprised(learning to expect it) at people's
response(I mean everyone!) to when I tell them I am Homeschooling my
kids(I don't even bother trying to explain unschooling). Immediately
they usually respond by commenting on how hard it much be to do that,
and try to say something positive like, "you have more patience than I
do" or something or other, then ask a question pertaining to curriculum
and ALWAYS, comment or ask a negative question about "what about
socialization". I keep wondering why everyone says almost exactly the
same thing, even people whom I would've thought to be more openminded;
are they all programmed by the same people? hahaha!
Kelly
[email protected]
Kelly in WA, I feel for you.
Some people feel they have no control over their own lives so they try
to maintain that control over others. Pretty much trying to make up for
their shortcomings. (that would be my ex) Some people are high
maintenance and insist on control and order in their own lives which
then spills over to their loved ones. They are well meaning but this
doesn't make them any easier to be around. (this would be my mom) So far
these are the only two types I've had experience with and I surely hope
I don't run into any more!
The ex was easy enough to handle (i.e. ex) but my mom was a different
story. We had an estrangement several years back for a period of about 2
years. Long story short, she realized what she was missing and our
relationship now is wonderful. I certainly don't recommend a split but I
wholeheartedly suggest you be as up front and honest as you can be. One
on one, no one else around, you and her. It's very important that she
understands that this is your life and your children and you don't need
her permission on any of it. It sounds like a given, but it's something
that really needs to be said and sometimes more than once. You sound as
if you feel her pushing is not good for your children. You have to tell
her that. If necessary, remind her when she does it with a simple word
or phrase so as not to make a scene. Believe me I realize any situations
like this are never easy to solve. It's a matter of priorities for you
and your children.
I never thought my mom and I would come to terms with her control over
me. She was a real tough one. Maybe age mellowed her, maybe I mellowed
her, maybe I just grew up!! Good luck.
Mary in FL
Some people feel they have no control over their own lives so they try
to maintain that control over others. Pretty much trying to make up for
their shortcomings. (that would be my ex) Some people are high
maintenance and insist on control and order in their own lives which
then spills over to their loved ones. They are well meaning but this
doesn't make them any easier to be around. (this would be my mom) So far
these are the only two types I've had experience with and I surely hope
I don't run into any more!
The ex was easy enough to handle (i.e. ex) but my mom was a different
story. We had an estrangement several years back for a period of about 2
years. Long story short, she realized what she was missing and our
relationship now is wonderful. I certainly don't recommend a split but I
wholeheartedly suggest you be as up front and honest as you can be. One
on one, no one else around, you and her. It's very important that she
understands that this is your life and your children and you don't need
her permission on any of it. It sounds like a given, but it's something
that really needs to be said and sometimes more than once. You sound as
if you feel her pushing is not good for your children. You have to tell
her that. If necessary, remind her when she does it with a simple word
or phrase so as not to make a scene. Believe me I realize any situations
like this are never easy to solve. It's a matter of priorities for you
and your children.
I never thought my mom and I would come to terms with her control over
me. She was a real tough one. Maybe age mellowed her, maybe I mellowed
her, maybe I just grew up!! Good luck.
Mary in FL
Kelly Thielen
The other day when I found unschooling.com website, I printed off all
the articles/info. on unschooling I could find, read it, and then took
it over to my mother's house. See, my parents(mother & stepfather), are
very close with my children, as well as a big influence, and have been
since they were born(ages 6 & 8). I told my Mom I had some articles
about Unschooling I thought she might be interested in reading, and she
said "I just don't see why anyone would even want to consider
unschooling". I spoken to her about it before, and given her reading
materials on child led learning early on in my decision to do
homeschooling(a year and a half ago). She had no comment then either,
come to think of it. But, I think she read the articles and then gave
them back to me(again, no comment). THis is disapproval for her, she is
only holding her tongue.
I don't need her approval. If I did, I never could've made it this
far. It's just that after joining this list, I am realizing some things
I don't really like.
I consider my Mom to be a "control freak" by nature, and she especially
likes to meddle in my life and my kids'. I can't stand this about it,
but also I can't change it, unfortunately. She is big on education.
She in financial aide director at a state university. SHe is very
opinionated. My stepdad is much, much better. He is a retired
Professor of English. Still, eduction is the primary focus in my
extended family. My own father is a retired school teacher(music), and
he is the worst of all, I think.
But, right now my Mom is driving me crazy! She is constantly
"quizzing" the kids, as you were talking about on here. She is
constantly buying books, from readers, to workbooks, to chapter books
and such. Everytime we visit, she makes little comments about whether
or not my son reads enough.
He reads as much as he wants to, no more, more less, and somedays this
is a lot, and some it is none at all. I just say "he reads all the
time, don't worry about it" and she acts surprised. Why? Because when
she is around him, she is always trying to get him to read to her and do
school type stuff/learning. I can't believe I am only just now
realizing all of this. I knew she was REALLY gettting on my nerves, but
just couldn't put my finger on it to this extent. O.K., well, it seems
to me the more she tries to manipulate him into reading, the less
interested he becomes, hmmmmmmmm....
It really makes me mad that she is trying to control my children's
education this way. I guess I need to set some boundaries with her.
THis won't be easy, I know. I will have to think about it long and hard
first.
The funny thing is, my son is an excellent reader. He can read
anything he wants to, basically. He just started reading one day when
he was 6, and right away was easily reading at 3rd or 4th grade level.
just like the way he learned to talk when he was a baby. He started
talking very early(baby), and started off with 2 word phrased("big
tractor" was his favorite)and practically speaking in sentences. He
does not need to be pushed(not that any child does)! So, why does she
keep doing this?
Any input/advice/suggestions from this group would be so helpful, and
very much appreciated.
Kelly
WA state
the articles/info. on unschooling I could find, read it, and then took
it over to my mother's house. See, my parents(mother & stepfather), are
very close with my children, as well as a big influence, and have been
since they were born(ages 6 & 8). I told my Mom I had some articles
about Unschooling I thought she might be interested in reading, and she
said "I just don't see why anyone would even want to consider
unschooling". I spoken to her about it before, and given her reading
materials on child led learning early on in my decision to do
homeschooling(a year and a half ago). She had no comment then either,
come to think of it. But, I think she read the articles and then gave
them back to me(again, no comment). THis is disapproval for her, she is
only holding her tongue.
I don't need her approval. If I did, I never could've made it this
far. It's just that after joining this list, I am realizing some things
I don't really like.
I consider my Mom to be a "control freak" by nature, and she especially
likes to meddle in my life and my kids'. I can't stand this about it,
but also I can't change it, unfortunately. She is big on education.
She in financial aide director at a state university. SHe is very
opinionated. My stepdad is much, much better. He is a retired
Professor of English. Still, eduction is the primary focus in my
extended family. My own father is a retired school teacher(music), and
he is the worst of all, I think.
But, right now my Mom is driving me crazy! She is constantly
"quizzing" the kids, as you were talking about on here. She is
constantly buying books, from readers, to workbooks, to chapter books
and such. Everytime we visit, she makes little comments about whether
or not my son reads enough.
He reads as much as he wants to, no more, more less, and somedays this
is a lot, and some it is none at all. I just say "he reads all the
time, don't worry about it" and she acts surprised. Why? Because when
she is around him, she is always trying to get him to read to her and do
school type stuff/learning. I can't believe I am only just now
realizing all of this. I knew she was REALLY gettting on my nerves, but
just couldn't put my finger on it to this extent. O.K., well, it seems
to me the more she tries to manipulate him into reading, the less
interested he becomes, hmmmmmmmm....
It really makes me mad that she is trying to control my children's
education this way. I guess I need to set some boundaries with her.
THis won't be easy, I know. I will have to think about it long and hard
first.
The funny thing is, my son is an excellent reader. He can read
anything he wants to, basically. He just started reading one day when
he was 6, and right away was easily reading at 3rd or 4th grade level.
just like the way he learned to talk when he was a baby. He started
talking very early(baby), and started off with 2 word phrased("big
tractor" was his favorite)and practically speaking in sentences. He
does not need to be pushed(not that any child does)! So, why does she
keep doing this?
Any input/advice/suggestions from this group would be so helpful, and
very much appreciated.
Kelly
WA state
Robin Stark
>it seemsto me the more she tries to manipulate him into reading, the less
interested he becomes, hmmmmmmmm....
Heck, yeah! The poor guy thinks he's in school and he's shutting down! Tell
her to back off or you won't be able to visit anymore. (I sound strong, but
I'm the weenie who had a problem with her friend. I do feel stronger now,
thanks to the posts I got from mine.)
> So, why does sheGo back to, I think it was Denise, who said that she is afraid that we know
>keep doing this?
better than her now (only Denise said it better). Here is your mom, whose
business is centered around education, and here you are taking matters into
your own hands. She feels threatened by you, so she's doing everything she
can to keep it the situation "familiar" to her. I'm seeing it more clearly
now, but I had a hard time at first. You sound like you are doing the same.
- - - - - - - -
Robin Stark
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/99 7:15:21 PM EST, kellylyn@... writes:
<< I guess I need to set some boundaries with her.
This won't be easy, I know. I will have to think about it long and hard >>
Kelly,
I guess you know your Mom and the relationship you want to have with her. My
mother was also a control freak, and I am still trying to get that part of
her out of me. However, I had to let her know, early on, that it is MY life,
MY family, and although I love her very much, I would always do it MY way,
not hers. If the behavior towards my husband, or my children did not change,
then there would be no further interaction between our families. Now this
was before homeschooling, before my children. Probably began in high school.
By the time we got to homeschooling, they just said oh, ok.
You have to live your life and care for your family. Others are nice and
great and all, but if they make you and your children's lives miserable, then
they are just something that can be done without. Like I said, that is me,
and you have to live your own life and do what works, but life is to short to
let ANYONE make it miserable.
Teresa
<< I guess I need to set some boundaries with her.
This won't be easy, I know. I will have to think about it long and hard >>
Kelly,
I guess you know your Mom and the relationship you want to have with her. My
mother was also a control freak, and I am still trying to get that part of
her out of me. However, I had to let her know, early on, that it is MY life,
MY family, and although I love her very much, I would always do it MY way,
not hers. If the behavior towards my husband, or my children did not change,
then there would be no further interaction between our families. Now this
was before homeschooling, before my children. Probably began in high school.
By the time we got to homeschooling, they just said oh, ok.
You have to live your life and care for your family. Others are nice and
great and all, but if they make you and your children's lives miserable, then
they are just something that can be done without. Like I said, that is me,
and you have to live your own life and do what works, but life is to short to
let ANYONE make it miserable.
Teresa
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/99 7:38:07 PM EST, mainmom@... writes:
<< I never thought my mom and I would come to terms with her control over
me. She was a real tough one. Maybe age mellowed her, maybe I mellowed
her, maybe I just grew up!! Good luck. >>
Mary,
Are we twins??? LOL, sounds just like my mom and me!
Teresa ; >
<< I never thought my mom and I would come to terms with her control over
me. She was a real tough one. Maybe age mellowed her, maybe I mellowed
her, maybe I just grew up!! Good luck. >>
Mary,
Are we twins??? LOL, sounds just like my mom and me!
Teresa ; >
[email protected]
Teresa wrote:
<<Are we twins??? LOL, sounds just like my mom and me!>>
Well I wouldn't mind having a twin, but my mom....oh gee!
Mary in FL
<<Are we twins??? LOL, sounds just like my mom and me!>>
Well I wouldn't mind having a twin, but my mom....oh gee!
Mary in FL
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/99 7:15:34 PM Central Daylight Time,
kellylyn@... writes:
<< It really makes me mad that she is trying to control my children's
education this way. I guess I need to set some boundaries with her.
THis won't be easy, I know. I will have to think about it long and hard
first.
The funny thing is, my son is an excellent reader. He can read
anything he wants to, basically. He just started reading one day when
he was 6, and right away was easily reading at 3rd or 4th grade level.
just like the way he learned to talk when he was a baby. He started
talking very early(baby), and started off with 2 word phrased("big
tractor" was his favorite)and practically speaking in sentences. He
does not need to be pushed(not that any child does)! So, why does she
keep doing this? >>
Kelly,
Your mother sounds exactly like mine! I know how you are feeling right
now, I felt the same way when I first discovered how much I allowed my mother
to "control" my life a few years ago. She is also a "control freak" and
loves to tell everyone what, where, when, and how to do something.
You are right when you say that it won't be easy. I have been trying to
put up boundaries for 3 years now. My mother is just refusing to give up the
controls. Every time I get two steps ahead, she pulls me one step back. She
also lays guilt trips on me, as far as my leaving her control. She
alternates between yelling at me, to crying and saying that my pulling away
hurts her feelings. The tension between us is very tough to handle. There
would have been many times that I would have given in to her tears (never her
anger, but her tears always get to me) and allowed her to control me once
again if she would just stop crying.
If it wasn't for my husband, I would be back at step one. My husband is
very laid back, and he just doesn't ever seem to let anyone get on his
nerves, so when he tells me that what my parents are doing is wrong, then I
know I can believe him. He cannot believe, how hard they are clinging on for
control of us, when we are trying to make our own decisions. They just won't
accept it! Every confrontation brings either anger or tears from them, then
they pull away for a few weeks, then they slowly start right back to trying
to control us!
I don't know your own parents, of course, so it may not be so hard for
you. I hope it is not, as it can be emotionally draining. I feel for you,
and I wish you the best of luck. I am here if you want to talk, as I know
how much it has helped me to be able to talk about the problem with my
parents. Good luck!
Tami IN
kellylyn@... writes:
<< It really makes me mad that she is trying to control my children's
education this way. I guess I need to set some boundaries with her.
THis won't be easy, I know. I will have to think about it long and hard
first.
The funny thing is, my son is an excellent reader. He can read
anything he wants to, basically. He just started reading one day when
he was 6, and right away was easily reading at 3rd or 4th grade level.
just like the way he learned to talk when he was a baby. He started
talking very early(baby), and started off with 2 word phrased("big
tractor" was his favorite)and practically speaking in sentences. He
does not need to be pushed(not that any child does)! So, why does she
keep doing this? >>
Kelly,
Your mother sounds exactly like mine! I know how you are feeling right
now, I felt the same way when I first discovered how much I allowed my mother
to "control" my life a few years ago. She is also a "control freak" and
loves to tell everyone what, where, when, and how to do something.
You are right when you say that it won't be easy. I have been trying to
put up boundaries for 3 years now. My mother is just refusing to give up the
controls. Every time I get two steps ahead, she pulls me one step back. She
also lays guilt trips on me, as far as my leaving her control. She
alternates between yelling at me, to crying and saying that my pulling away
hurts her feelings. The tension between us is very tough to handle. There
would have been many times that I would have given in to her tears (never her
anger, but her tears always get to me) and allowed her to control me once
again if she would just stop crying.
If it wasn't for my husband, I would be back at step one. My husband is
very laid back, and he just doesn't ever seem to let anyone get on his
nerves, so when he tells me that what my parents are doing is wrong, then I
know I can believe him. He cannot believe, how hard they are clinging on for
control of us, when we are trying to make our own decisions. They just won't
accept it! Every confrontation brings either anger or tears from them, then
they pull away for a few weeks, then they slowly start right back to trying
to control us!
I don't know your own parents, of course, so it may not be so hard for
you. I hope it is not, as it can be emotionally draining. I feel for you,
and I wish you the best of luck. I am here if you want to talk, as I know
how much it has helped me to be able to talk about the problem with my
parents. Good luck!
Tami IN
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/99 11:17:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Hsmotgo@...
writes:
<<
<< I never thought my mom and I would come to terms with her control over
me. She was a real tough one. Maybe age mellowed her, maybe I mellowed
her, maybe I just grew up!! Good luck. >>
Mary,
Are we twins??? LOL, sounds just like my mom and me!
Teresa ; > >>
I'll join this club as well -- it's been a year and a half since I've spoken
to my parents, and I'm still waiting for that "mellowing"...I honestly don't
think it's ever going to happen with them, though - their way is the only
right way, and we're just plain weird....
Linda in FL :)
writes:
<<
<< I never thought my mom and I would come to terms with her control over
me. She was a real tough one. Maybe age mellowed her, maybe I mellowed
her, maybe I just grew up!! Good luck. >>
Mary,
Are we twins??? LOL, sounds just like my mom and me!
Teresa ; > >>
I'll join this club as well -- it's been a year and a half since I've spoken
to my parents, and I'm still waiting for that "mellowing"...I honestly don't
think it's ever going to happen with them, though - their way is the only
right way, and we're just plain weird....
Linda in FL :)
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/5/99 9:31:38 PM EST, Mamalin21@... writes:
<< nd I'm still waiting for that "mellowing"...I honestly don't
think it's ever going to happen with them, though - their way is the only
right way, and we're just plain weird.... >>
Oh man...... That is hard, see, the problem here is, you guys just waited to
long to show your stuff!!!! I stuck it to my parents when I was a teenager
and got married a month after graduation instead of going to Emery University
to become an RN. I just went my own way like it or not. I did get my RN, on
my own, 10 years later, after my daughter died. I went thru that one my own
way too. So they (my parents) knew I meant business when I say back off or
go away. The last four years of my mothers life we were the closest we had
ever been in our lives, and it was brought about by the man I married that my
mom didn't approve of in the beginning.
So, hang in there and stick to your guns!!
Teresa ; >
<< nd I'm still waiting for that "mellowing"...I honestly don't
think it's ever going to happen with them, though - their way is the only
right way, and we're just plain weird.... >>
Oh man...... That is hard, see, the problem here is, you guys just waited to
long to show your stuff!!!! I stuck it to my parents when I was a teenager
and got married a month after graduation instead of going to Emery University
to become an RN. I just went my own way like it or not. I did get my RN, on
my own, 10 years later, after my daughter died. I went thru that one my own
way too. So they (my parents) knew I meant business when I say back off or
go away. The last four years of my mothers life we were the closest we had
ever been in our lives, and it was brought about by the man I married that my
mom didn't approve of in the beginning.
So, hang in there and stick to your guns!!
Teresa ; >
[email protected]
Linda in FL wrote:
<<I'll join this club as well -- it's been a year and a half since I've
spoken to my parents, and I'm still waiting for that "mellowing"...I
honestly don't think it's ever going to happen with them, though - their
way is the only right way, and we're just plain weird.... >>
Sounds like we should start a whole new club of our own!!!
A 12 step program to wean us of our parents.
Mary in FL
<<I'll join this club as well -- it's been a year and a half since I've
spoken to my parents, and I'm still waiting for that "mellowing"...I
honestly don't think it's ever going to happen with them, though - their
way is the only right way, and we're just plain weird.... >>
Sounds like we should start a whole new club of our own!!!
A 12 step program to wean us of our parents.
Mary in FL