[email protected]

my children are 15dd and 7ds. We are new to unschooling and I have had this
situation a lot and am not sure how to deal with it without telling them both
to just stop. I constantly hear he hit me, she is picking on me. And yes
they do hit and pick on each other for no apparent reason. My son I think
will do it to his older sister because he would like her attention, she does
it.... I don't really know why yet. Do I just leave them to deal with it? I
have tried asking them how else they could handle it and other things on that
road. My daughter thinks I am an alien so I am trying to work on that.
Help......

I would like to thank everyone for their help with my other questions, I hope
you don't mind I am green with all this and may be asking a million questions
while I am reading a million things at the same time.

Thank you again.

Heidi

Mica

Unfortunately I have not developed confidence with such situations
myself yet - I have been reading "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele
Faber & Elaine Mazlish and am hoping to be able to develop the skills
and techniques they suggest. Have you read it?

Mica
ghal9720@...
Stawell, Victoria, Australia


> -----Original Message-----
> From: hmsclmyboy@... [mailto:hmsclmyboy@...]
> Sent: Monday, 21 October 2002 4:07 PM
> To: [email protected]
> Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] how do you handle this
>
> my children are 15dd and 7ds. We are new to unschooling and I have
had
> this
> situation a lot and am not sure how to deal with it without telling
them
> both
> to just stop. I constantly hear he hit me, she is picking on me. And
yes
> they do hit and pick on each other for no apparent reason. My son I
think
> will do it to his older sister because he would like her attention,
she
> does
> it.... I don't really know why yet. Do I just leave them to deal with
it?
> I
> have tried asking them how else they could handle it and other things
on
> that
> road. My daughter thinks I am an alien so I am trying to work on
that.
> Help......
>
> I would like to thank everyone for their help with my other questions,
I
> hope
> you don't mind I am green with all this and may be asking a million
> questions
> while I am reading a million things at the same time.
>
> Thank you again.
>
> Heidi
>
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>

Rachel Ann

Well,

I've tried to sell them to the banshees but that didn't work :-(. The banshees gave them back. Really, it was the biggest hassle! Never make a deal with banshees; not only do they renege, but they don't give you your money back.

<sigh> yes the kids fight. Sometimes worse then others. But they also love each other like crazy. I don't know if it is the ideal, but I do think it is fairly the norm for children, especially when they are together frequently, to get into fights, and I'm begining to wonder if it isn't our fear of anger that makes us want to end it now, quickly, and have them *play nice* or act nice with each other that doesn't actually cause the big fights in the first place.

On the other hand, telling them to sort it out on their own, especially when there is a large gap in age, or abilities (verbal or physical) isn't exactly right either.

So I sympathise, but haven't quite found the solution yet...

be well,
Rachel Ann


From: hmsclmyboy@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, October 21, 2002 2:07 AM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] how do you handle this


my children are 15dd and 7ds. We are new to unschooling and I have had this
situation a lot and am not sure how to deal with it without telling them both
to just stop. I constantly hear he hit me, she is picking on me. And yes
they do hit and pick on each other for no apparent reason. My son I think
will do it to his older sister because he would like her attention, she does
it.... I don't really know why yet. Do I just leave them to deal with it? I
have tried asking them how else they could handle it and other things on that
road. My daughter thinks I am an alien so I am trying to work on that.
Help......

I would like to thank everyone for their help with my other questions, I hope
you don't mind I am green with all this and may be asking a million questions
while I am reading a million things at the same time.

Thank you again.

Heidi

Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
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To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an email to:
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Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

Well my kids are 16,7,6 and 2. The 16 and 2 year olds don't fight with
anyone. The 6 and 7 year olds only fight amongst themselves. So I guess
we're not too bad!My oldest daughter has a friend who has a brother who is a
little over 3. She fights with him and my daughter is amazed how a 16 year
old can fight with a 3 year old. Not sure if it's how things are handled or
just the kids.

I was wondering if you two spend any time with each other just hanging out
and having fun? I know my daughter takes plenty of time during the course of
a month (it's sporadicx with her schedule) to play with the kids. She can
get just as silly as they can and they love it. She also spends time with
them or just allows them to hang out in her room, even when her friends are
over or her boyfriend is here. When she does want time alone with her
friends or just herself, they are very willing to leave. I'm thinking maybe
if she wouldn't involve them in her life so much, they would be more likely
to pester her for the attention and she more likely to resent them intruding
on her time and space.

I know if some time has gone by and the kids are asking her to play with
them and she doesn't have the time, I'll just remind her how important it is
for them and she will then find time in the next day or so to do something
with them.

Maybe just trying to explain to your oldest how a 7 year old works and what
he would like from a big sister. Just do it when she's not mad at him. I
know my oldest likes the idea that she can be a good influence on her
younger siblings. Of course she has a big sister too, so she knows how it
feels when you get that kind of attention.

Mary B

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Barb Eaton

Heidi,
Welcome to unschooling. :-) One thing I'd like to say is all that time
your kids were in school they could avoid facing and working out fights.
They could walk out the door and it wold be over. When they got home
well...it was buried
Sibling Rivalry by Faber & Mazlish was really good for me. It helped me
find words to use and actions to take to help. Please don't think your 15yo
should know how or do better or understand more than you7yo. She may but
conflict is brushed over until explosion in schools. Let alone at home were
we are shuffling from one activity to another, homework, dinner, & bedtime.
My three are 4 and almost 5 yrs apart in age. Very different kids. They
work out their problems most of the time without me now but we've been home
now for 7yrs. I really love the one of "he looked at me". LOL! Humor can be
a helping hand at times too.
I'm sure you will get some great tips and pointer here. I know I have
over the years. Oh and get that book from your library. How To Talk.. is
another one from these authors. Similar to Sibling but I enjoyed and learned
ideas from both. :-) I still work at it and I re-read them every so often.
Good luck to you and yours.

Barb E
on 10/21/02 2:07 AM, hmsclmyboy@... at hmsclmyboy@... wrote:

> my children are 15dd and 7ds. We are new to unschooling and I have had this
> situation a lot and am not sure how to deal with it without telling them both
> to just stop. I constantly hear he hit me, she is picking on me. And yes
> they do hit and pick on each other for no apparent reason.
> Heidi

the_clevengers

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "Mica" <ghal9720@b...> wrote:
> > -----Original Message-----
> my children are 15dd and 7ds. We are new to unschooling and I have
> had
> this
> situation a lot and am not sure how to deal with it without telling
them
> both
> to just stop. I constantly hear he hit me, she is picking on me.


I've found it is helpful to offer them alternatives so that they have
other models to choose from in the future. So if I come upstairs and
my son is saying "She hit me", I might say to my daughter "It looks
like maybe you wanted to get M.'s attention. You can tell him 'I'd
like to play with you' or 'Can we do something together?'"

I remember reading somewhere (maybe the excellent book "Easy to Love,
Difficult to Discipline") that if you just tell kids to stop
something or change something without telling them how, it's like a
boss going to an employee and saying "This report is all wrong.
Rewrite it tomorrow and make it right!". If the employee has no idea
what about it is wrong, they can never make it right. Likewise, if
kids don't have conflict resolution skills, or don't know how to get
a sibling's attention in a positive way, then telling them not to hit
each other isn't going to help anything.

Sometimes I get funny with my kids and say "Let's rewind this and try
over" and we do a funny rewind thing where we walk and talk backward,
then they try it again using the new skills. They think this is
funny, but then again they're much younger than yours (mine are 3 and
6). But still, giving them the opportunity to try again and change
their approach might work.

Blue Skies,

-Robin-