Dalene and Andy

I have a five year old and a two year old. They play well together from time to time and usually when they have friends over they all play well together. But everyone now and then another child would come to play - and it usually is on specific child - and then the two eldest ones would push my little one out and won't play with her. My first instinct was they have to include her, but now I'm second guessing myself and wondering if my eldest might actually have the right to choose not include his little sister?? Even if it is only when specific children are around??

Looking forward to hear your ideas.

Dalene


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

kayb85

When this friend comes over, could you also invite a friend over to
play with the younger one?
Sheila

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "Dalene and Andy" <mactier@x> wrote:
> I have a five year old and a two year old. They play well together
from time to time and usually when they have friends over they all
play well together. But everyone now and then another child would
come to play - and it usually is on specific child - and then the two
eldest ones would push my little one out and won't play with her. My
first instinct was they have to include her, but now I'm second
guessing myself and wondering if my eldest might actually have the
right to choose not include his little sister?? Even if it is only
when specific children are around??
>
> Looking forward to hear your ideas.
>
> Dalene
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/9/02 7:28:31 PM, mactier@... writes:

<< My first instinct was they have to include her, but now I'm second
guessing myself and wondering if my eldest might actually have the right to
choose not include his little sister?? Even if it is only when specific
children are around?? >>

It's been the hard mom job here when I needed to entertain or distract the
youngest. Still happens sometimes (Holly, two weeks ago).

I ask the older ones to try to find something, at some point in the session,
that they can do with the younger. Knowing they don't have to play with them
the whole time seems to make them more willing to include them on something
or other, at least for a little while.

Cases of kids being forced to watch or include a younger kid rarely turn out
well for the younger kid, or the rest.

I remind the youngest that it was cool that they did include him, that some
kids would never want to play with younger kids.

Simple rules don't seem to work for us. Diligence is kind of in order. And
I try to pace any play session with some snacks and drinks and offers to do
something for/with them, especially if it seems at all tense or rough. Even
when it's just one of my kids with no competition or jealousness.

As they've gotten older, here, they're more likely to include others.

Sandra

Mary Bianco

I've had to deal with this situation in our house. It started out with just
my own kids and now has not been a problem when others come over. First of
all, I don't believe in making a child play with another if they don't want
to, whether it's a sibling or not. Just as much as I don't think kids should
have to share their things.

My three younger ones are soon to be 2, 7 and 8. The 7 (Sierra) and 8
(Joseph) year olds have always been close. (no kidding!) They had to share a
room up until about 2 years ago. But even then I always made sure they each
had a place to go to get away from each other when they wanted

Making sure they each were allowed their own time and a safe place to go
made it work for them. Not having to play with the other made an impact too.
When the baby came along, it changed. She was walking at 9 months but not
really into the other kids until around a year. By then, the kids each had
their own room and were able to go to each other's rooms to play as long as
the other one agreed. If one wanted to be alone, the other had to respect
that. We also have a fairly large playroom so there were a few different
alternatives. The only thing was to make the kids aware of the small things
they had needed to stay out of the playroom, where everyone was welcome.
Little dangerous toys had to stay in their rooms. One trip to the ER with a
gagging baby was enough!!! The baby was okay with not going in their rooms
until about 3 months ago. Then she started to notice they would leave her
out of what they were doing. At first it was easy to keep Alyssa busy while
they had their together time without her. They also did play with her in the
playroom on their own. When Alyssa started to get upset about being left
out, I spoke with both Joseph and Sierra and explained how the baby must
feel when they play without her. In a round about way, they learned about
restrictions. How the more they kept her out of their rooms, the more she
wanted in. Gradually Joseph on his own, would allow Alyssa in to his room.
Mostly she just wanted to look around. When he realized her attention span
was so short, he had no problem with her playing with his stuff. It was all
baby steps and it was easy for him to see what a difference this all made to
her and to him. He started to explain it to Sierra, and they both ended up
including Alyssa in a lot of play time. Not all of it, but that was okay
too. For all the kids.

Now Alyssa gathers up her people and goes and knocks on Joseph's door and
when he lets her in, she thinks who she is. They all 3 play so well together
and Alyssa doesn't mind when she's kept out because she's also included a
lot. When other friends come to play, it works the same way. Joseph and
Sierra are so use to having her play with them that their friends are okay
with it too. And they know that they don't HAVE to play with her if they
chose not to. If they had to play with her all the time, even if they played
well, I could understand wanting a friend all to themselves when one was
around.

I know this has gotten way too long but I've worked real hard on this as
I've seen so many siblings at each other's throats a lot. And I must say I
am very proud of the way they are all handling their relationships with each
other.

Mary B




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Lanora is 12 and Jonathan is 4 (almost 5) and this issue comes up a lot.
One of the things Lanora and I have discussed is the idea of
"investment". I've expressed my empathy with how frustrating it can be
to deal with him at times but I always remind her of the future. I know
it's hard for her to see who he is going to become but I share what I can
see and that the patience she shows now is an investment in their FUTURE
relationship.

Someday she will be grateful for the devotion and unconditional love of
her brother and the investment she makes now will come back with HUGE
interest then. It helps for those times that he just HAS to be with her
and her friends because he thinks they are the coolest people EVER.

She get lots of time alone with her friends and I help by finding ways to
engage him in something myself but I think it's good for kids to adapt
their play a bit to include a younger sibling. I don't force it but when
I explain things she is much more happy to share some time with him.

Kris

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