Joel Hawthorne

Nanci,


This is such a big topic and I am a little rushed for time. This fellow Gordon
Neufeld whose seminar I am taking is certainly influencing my thinking though
almost entirely in directions which I have already moved in. Our experience in
his course is probably 90% confirmation of our existing practices and beliefs.
The 10% difference for me is very important though.

He is vehemently opposed to time-outs as a method of discipline. He believe it
works because it stimulates separation anxiety which works in the short term
but damages the attachment. I think in the example of a child playing with the
cord while someone is vacuuming is primarily a question of using distraction,
rearranging the vacuuming so it is not an issue, questioning what the dangers
really are.

Getting "obedience" from a 1.5 year old is not really in the cards. Of course
you stop a child from dangerous things but getting them to internalize such
behaviour at that age is not going to happen at least not every time. You just
have to stop them from doing the thing one way or the other without resorting
to using the attachment stuff as a weapon to force compliance.

Especially with sensitive children (most are) using the attachment in a fear
engendering fashion results in children armouring themselves which then makes
the discipline process that much more difficult especially when the chickens
all come home to roost in adolescence.

Also I personally do not believe in eliciting apologies from children. If they
are sorry they can be helped to express it but if they are not it is an
exercise in crazy-making. "You tell your sister you are sorry." is a lie if you
aren't sorry at all and wish that your sister (at that moment) had never been
born.

Also it is a challenge having a big for their age kid because everyone keeps
expecting behaviour that is not age appropriate because we all confuse size
with age. I feel for these kids because sometime people are so unfair in their
expectations of them.

Anyway the now christened (by me) Neufeld method emphasizing moving closer when
disciplining and minimizing separation. When there is trouble get close.

I would like to go on longer but gotta go.

This whole subject is fascinating to me and helps me clarify what I believe
which increases the likelihood that I will behave that way.


Thomas and Nanci Kuykendall wrote:

> From: Thomas and Nanci Kuykendall <tn-k4of5@...>
>
> >The power we have as parents is enormous but to use it to manipulate
> children is
> >the epitome of penny wise pound foolish.
>
> Hey Joel,
>
> Could you elaborate a bit as to the harmful ways in which we manipulate our
> children? I am in the throws of developing discipline practices that are
> successful for my toddler boys (20 months and 35 months) and will soon need
> to start all over again when our older adopted girl(or girls) come home, as
> I am positive they will be dealing with attachment, trust and abandonment
> issues, at the least.
>
> I generally use time outs in his bedroom (2-5 min) for my almost three year
> old about once a day (on average, some days less some days more) for series
> problems like purposefully hurting his brother and refusing to apoloize,
> tantrums, refusing to desist in an activity despite numerous warnings, etc.
> This usually has fairly good results, and is always followed up by a quiet
> lap conversation about the offending behavior and what he should have done,
> and often an apology to anyone who was hurt by his behavior (like brother,
> or me or Daddy.) Usually he is raring to go and wants to run off and play
> afterward, but occassionally he needs calming after a tantrum and so I will
> cuddle with him and pet him and give him lots of reassurance for a while,
> until he is ready to get down and play. I never strike my boys.
>
> The Baby (1.5 yr. old) has only ever had three time outs, for about a
> minute each, for purposefully pushing and disobeying in a dangerous
> situation after numerous warnings (like playing with the electrical cord
> while Daddy is vacuming) but he is generally really easy. I try not to
> even raise my voice with him, as he is so sensastive that it usually makes
> him cry if I look or sound cross. I try to make things into a game and use
> humor to teach him, as he does not get upset and is much more receptive to
> that. He has a very gentle personality and does not respond well to
> agression, and also cries when his brother gets too rough in play (a
> frequent problem, with my rough and tumble, sports loving older boy!) We
> refer to our "little" guy as our gentle giant, because he is so very
> gentle, and quiet but he is the same size as his brother and both wear size
> 2 or 3 clothes.
>
> On a side note, he has a really interesting personality. Even though he is
> shy, people are attracted to him in an irresistable way. My older son is a
> BIG flirt and has a magnetic personality, dimples, red hair and blue eyes
> with long thick lashes. I KNOW why people are drawn to him, he is cute and
> talks incessently to everyone and is not the least bit shy. His brother,
> however, is shy and hides from strangers (although he has recently started
> waving and saying "Hi" to people) but he has the most amazing affect on
> people. Everyone he meets wants to hold him and kiss him and he has this
> incredible calming effect on them. People have described feeling washed
> over with peace when they hold him. When he was an infant, everyone who
> held him fell asleep! It makes me wonder about him, his purpose, or since
> I believe in reincarnation, I wonder if he has previously been some kind of
> a healer. I look forward to seeing who he will grow to be.
>
> Nanci K. in Idaho
>
> > Check it out!
> http://www.unschooling.com

--
best wishes
Joel

For a wonderful gift possibility and to support a great cause check out:
http://www.naturalchild.com/calendar_pictures.html

All children behave as well as they are treated. The Natural Child
Project http://naturalchild.com/home/