tamlvee

Hi, my name is Tammy. I live in Washington state with my husband and
two children. Daughter is 7 and son is 9 (10 in August). We started
homeschooling a few weeks ago. My daughter came home first, in
march, then son in April. My daughter is all ready to do activities
and meet new people. She really liked school (the friends part)
except she was frequently bored. My son was over challenged and I
feel it will be a long time before he willingly engages in any
activities. He is frequently bored and all seems to want to do is
watch T.V. We are not a big T.V. family ( we only have one!) so its
never been something that is a regular part of the day. I don't know
if I should let him watch as much as he wants or stick with my hard
held view of minimal T.V.

My main concern, however, is the amount of fighting my lovely
children are doing. I'm really at my wits end. Has anyone else had
these issues? I've done a lot of reading and I know (at least hope)
that this too shall pass, but what do I do in the meantime? It's
easy to say it will get better, but that's no help in the heat of the
moment. I want them to learn how to work it out, but I don't think
they even like each other now.

Please help.

Tammy
Des Moines, WA

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/8/02 2:21:26 PM, stvan3@... writes:

<< I've done a lot of reading and I know (at least hope)
that this too shall pass, but what do I do in the meantime? >>

Get them out and about? If they don't do out and about well together, take
them separately.

Cheap movies, zoo, restaurants, museums, construction sites, malls, parks,
hiking places, dog/frisbee places (if you have a dog).... but SOMEwhere. Or
take one of them to the store with you and let them pick stuff out, or make a
picnic and take them both to a place where they can play on playground
equipment or climb rocks or something physical, Kind-of together, and kind of
apart.

After school and the coming and going, they're probably feeling a little
stifled and crowded. My kids really like to be home, but they like it
better in the big house we have now than they did in the little house we had
until Kirby was ten or eleven.

<<I want them to learn how to work it out, but I don't think
they even like each other now.>>

I wouldn't leave them to learn how to work it out without ideas. Kids need
to be safe from their siblings (physically and verbally and emotionally).
Too many parents act like it's THEIR life and they can work it out, but they
were brought into a family and are stuck in a house, and the parents should
try to make it a safe and peaceful environment. That's MY opinion on it,
which won't match everyone else's, I know already.

And I'd let him watch TV lots, if it were me.

Sandra

Fetteroll

on 5/8/02 4:16 PM, tamlvee at stvan3@... wrote:

> I don't know
> if I should let him watch as much as he wants or stick with my hard
> held view of minimal T.V.
>
> My main concern, however, is the amount of fighting my lovely
> children are doing.

If you see the TV watching and fighting as symptoms of other things, then
it's really the other things that need fixed, not the symptoms.

He may be watching TV as a way of decompressing from school. I watched a lot
of TV after school and I can remember specifically one summer college break
watching HBO pretty much continuously. I just needed to shut down.

He may be watching TV because school has tainted everything as "educational"
and therefore boring. He doesn't trust that his interests are really
interesting if they even remotely resemble school.

As Sandra suggested, get out and do things just for fun. Don't worry about
learning. Just explore *life*.

The fighting, too, may be a symptom of the stress of the enormous change
that's happened in their lives. (Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?)

How about if you talk to them about their expectations. Things they'd like
to do. Dreams they have. Plans for the future, or next week. Talk about and
share their favorite things (even if it's a cartoon you can't imagine
there's anything of redeeming value in ;-).

Joyce

rumpleteasermom

Hi Tammy,

I thought Des Moines was in Iowa! I didn't know there were two of
them. Cool.

My girls ised to fight a lot. They stopped and I'm not sure what
helped. They claim it is because I had Wyndham. You know, the enemy
of my enemy is my friend sort of thing. I think it is because they
were away from school and figured out they were allowed to hang
together despite the age difference. Now my problem is Rachel and
Wyndham I can't leave them alone together. Mostly I solve the
problem by not leaving them alone together. The fact that yours are
younger makes that more difficult. Are you part of group that can
take your dd out while you stay home with ds? Do they have common
interests you can help them explore? What is the root source of the
conflict?

Bridget

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "tamlvee" <stvan3@a...> wrote:

> My main concern, however, is the amount of fighting my lovely
> children are doing. I'm really at my wits end. Has anyone else had
> these issues? I've done a lot of reading and I know (at least hope)
> that this too shall pass, but what do I do in the meantime? It's
> easy to say it will get better, but that's no help in the heat of
the
> moment. I want them to learn how to work it out, but I don't think
> they even like each other now.
>
> Please help.
>
> Tammy
> Des Moines, WA

tamlvee

Thank you for the great advice. My dd loves to go out on the town,
while right now ds wants to hang out at home. Sometimes friends take
dd out which helps a lot. My deep down insticts tell me to let my ds
watch as much T.V. as he wants but my darn brain keeps getting in the
way.

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 5/8/02 2:21:26 PM, stvan3@a... writes:
>
> << I've done a lot of reading and I know (at least hope)
> that this too shall pass, but what do I do in the meantime? >>
>
> Get them out and about? If they don't do out and about well
together, take
> them separately.
>
> Cheap movies, zoo, restaurants, museums, construction sites, malls,
parks,
> hiking places, dog/frisbee places (if you have a dog).... but
SOMEwhere. Or
> take one of them to the store with you and let them pick stuff out,
or make a
> picnic and take them both to a place where they can play on
playground
> equipment or climb rocks or something physical, Kind-of together,
and kind of
> apart.
>
> After school and the coming and going, they're probably feeling a
little
> stifled and crowded. My kids really like to be home, but they
like it
> better in the big house we have now than they did in the little
house we had
> until Kirby was ten or eleven.
>
> <<I want them to learn how to work it out, but I don't think
> they even like each other now.>>
>
> I wouldn't leave them to learn how to work it out without ideas.
Kids need
> to be safe from their siblings (physically and verbally and
emotionally).
> Too many parents act like it's THEIR life and they can work it out,
but they
> were brought into a family and are stuck in a house, and the
parents should
> try to make it a safe and peaceful environment. That's MY opinion
on it,
> which won't match everyone else's, I know already.
>
> And I'd let him watch TV lots, if it were me.
>
> Sandra

rumpleteasermom

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "tamlvee" <stvan3@a...> wrote:
> My deep down insticts tell me to let my ds
> watch as much T.V. as he wants but my darn brain keeps getting in
the
> way.

I have to say, follow your instincts. As much trouble as I have with
Wyndham and TV, I know it can be a problem. But I also know that for
most it isn't. I think as the mom, your instincts will tell you
whether it is or isn't a problem better than anything any of us say or
anything you may read or hear from other sources.

Bridget

tamlvee

> --- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "tamlvee" <stvan3@a...> wrote:
>
> > My main concern, however, is the amount of fighting my lovely
> > children are doing. I'm really at my wits end. Has anyone else
had
> > these issues?

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "rumpleteasermom"
<rumpleteasermom@j...> wrote:
> Hi Tammy,
>
> I thought Des Moines was in Iowa! I didn't know there were two of
> them. Cool.
>
> My girls ised to fight a lot.



Hi Bridget

Yeah, we are the other Des Moines, nice, small, waterfront town with
great restaurants, a marina and a movie theater that shows one
movie. Yet it is only about 25 minutes away from downtown Seattle.

I think time away from school will help and being that my son has
only been home for three weeks and dd has been home for 2 months
probably has a little to do with it. Their major conflicts arise
because they both have to be right and they both have to have the
last word. So a very minor disagreement escalates to a huge
screaming match. Also ds had some bad influences at school and has
learned how to talk very rudely, not just to his sister but to all of
us. Major attitude. My two children are very different from each
other so its hard to find mutual interests. When one wants to play
one game the other doesn't or if they agree and things don't turn out
the way dd thinks they should we all suffer. They even eat opposite
foods. Polar opposites. FUN.

Today my dd is starting a clay for kids class that runs for a few
weeks, then she will start another class about the time that one
ends. That will help. I know dd needs to make some friends.

Anymore advice will be accepted.

Tammy

tamlvee

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "rumpleteasermom"
<rumpleteasermom@j...> wrote:
> --- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "tamlvee" <stvan3@a...> wrote:
> > My deep down insticts tell me to let my ds
> > watch as much T.V. as he wants but my darn brain keeps getting in
> the
> > way.
>
> I have to say, follow your instincts. As much trouble as I have
with
> Wyndham and TV, I know it can be a problem. But I also know that
for
> most it isn't. I think as the mom, your instincts will tell you
> whether it is or isn't a problem better than anything any of us say
or
> anything you may read or hear from other sources.
>
> Bridget

Thank you for the the TV reassurance. This is such a new journey for
me. It helps so much to talk with other people who have been there.
I've joined a local hs group but haven't connected with anyone yet.
I'm kind of a free spirit compared to the people in the group, who
seem to be very religious and most of them know each other from
church. I will continue to attend meetings because I feel that even
one bit of useful information is helpful.

Tammy

rumpleteasermom

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "tamlvee" <stvan3@a...> wrote:
> Their major conflicts arise
> because they both have to be right and they both have to have the
> last word. So a very minor disagreement escalates to a huge
> screaming match.


Man does that sound familiar!

Soemtimes, I'm able to step between mine and get them to explain the
disagreement and compromise. That takes great care and diplomacy and
you have to be able to maintain your own calm for it to work.
Occassionally, just explaining hte problem results in them seeing away
around it, other times I suggest a compromise and they are okay with
it. On some occassions though, the only answer has been to get them
away from each other for a while.

Bridget

Hazy_lilly

Im free spirited too! I let my boys watch TV as much
as they want( they go through spurts). I did notice
for a while my ds was watching tv alot. I asked him
why and he said he was afraid they were going to take
the shows off. I had to intoduce him to the TV guide.
LOL he backed off afterwards, when he saw all the
repeats throughout the week. My ds was 5, I am not
sure how old your son is.

Hazel
--- tamlvee <stvan3@...> wrote:
> --- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "rumpleteasermom"
> <rumpleteasermom@j...> wrote:
> > --- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "tamlvee"
> <stvan3@a...> wrote:
> > > My deep down insticts tell me to let my ds
> > > watch as much T.V. as he wants but my darn brain
> keeps getting in
> > the
> > > way.
> >
> > I have to say, follow your instincts. As much
> trouble as I have
> with
> > Wyndham and TV, I know it can be a problem. But I
> also know that
> for
> > most it isn't. I think as the mom, your instincts
> will tell you
> > whether it is or isn't a problem better than
> anything any of us say
> or
> > anything you may read or hear from other sources.
> >
> > Bridget
>
> Thank you for the the TV reassurance. This is such
> a new journey for
> me. It helps so much to talk with other people who
> have been there.
> I've joined a local hs group but haven't connected
> with anyone yet.
> I'm kind of a free spirit compared to the people in
> the group, who
> seem to be very religious and most of them know each
> other from
> church. I will continue to attend meetings because
> I feel that even
> one bit of useful information is helpful.
>
> Tammy
>
>


=====
"When we make a choice we change the future" Deepak Chopra

__________________________________________________
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Tia Leschke

>
>Thank you for the the TV reassurance. This is such a new journey for
>me. It helps so much to talk with other people who have been there.
>I've joined a local hs group but haven't connected with anyone yet.
>I'm kind of a free spirit compared to the people in the group, who
>seem to be very religious and most of them know each other from
>church. I will continue to attend meetings because I feel that even
>one bit of useful information is helpful.

You might want to also keep your ears open for another group. Even if you
have to go to Seattle, it would be worth it to find kindred spirits, and
I'm sure there are kindred spirits in that area. Wasn't there someone on
the list who recently moved from Seattle to Sequim? She would probably
have some ideas for you.
Tia

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island

[email protected]

Hi Tammy

<<I don't know
if I should let him watch as much as he wants or stick with my hard
held view of minimal T.V.>>

Yes, I think you should let him watch as much as he wants. Unschooling
doesn't work as well as it can unless the child is TRULY setting the
pace. Your son is decompressing from school and it will go much faster
without pressure to do anything but what he feels like doing. He's still
learning, learning can't be stopped, it happens no matter what. If
nothing else, he is learning that you're serious about unschooling.

<<My main concern, however, is the amount of fighting my lovely
children are doing. I'm really at my wits end. Has anyone else had
these issues? I've done a lot of reading and I know (at least hope)
that this too shall pass, but what do I do in the meantime? It's
easy to say it will get better, but that's no help in the heat of the
moment. I want them to learn how to work it out, but I don't think
they even like each other now.>>

I think outside pressure has a huge impact on how siblings relate. Mine
are 11 and 4 but I see a HUGE difference in their closeness when they
have too much of the wrong kind of socialization. If Lanora is out with
her public schooled friends for too long her attitude towards Jonathan
becomes impatient and haughty.

Physical and emotional attacks are not tolerated so I use a balance of
intervention and letting them work it out. Knowing that whining won't
get a response from me helps to stop it before it starts. Usually I give
comfort to the one who feels wronged and give advice if it's asked for.
I try to not "rescue", it's okay to say no to sharing, this teaches them
to be cooperative cuz if you want to use someone's stuff it's best to
keep them friendly towards you. If it comes to being physical or unkind
I step in.

Kris

________________________________________________________________
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tamlvee

Hi Kris,

Thank you for the encouraging words. I agree with the outside
pressure issue. My son had some bad influences in public school.
Boys in his class, especially the ones with older sibilings, were not
very kind to him; lots of teasing and making fun of. So I understand
where his hostility is coming from. It's so hard for me to let go of
the only education I know, which is public school. That's why it's
so hard for me to give up the tv thing. I'm working on it though.
Talking to everyone here helps too.

Tammy

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., louisam1@j... wrote:
> Hi Tammy
>
> <<I don't know
> if I should let him watch as much as he wants or stick with my hard
> held view of minimal T.V.>>
>
> Yes, I think you should let him watch as much as he wants.
Unschooling
> doesn't work as well as it can unless the child is TRULY setting the
> pace. Your son is decompressing from school and it will go much
faster
> without pressure to do anything but what he feels like doing. He's
still
> learning, learning can't be stopped, it happens no matter what. If
> nothing else, he is learning that you're serious about unschooling.
>
> <<My main concern, however, is the amount of fighting my lovely
> children are doing. I'm really at my wits end. Has anyone else
had
> these issues? I've done a lot of reading and I know (at least
hope)
> that this too shall pass, but what do I do in the meantime? It's
> easy to say it will get better, but that's no help in the heat of
the
> moment. I want them to learn how to work it out, but I don't think
> they even like each other now.>>
>
> I think outside pressure has a huge impact on how siblings relate.
Mine
> are 11 and 4 but I see a HUGE difference in their closeness when
they
> have too much of the wrong kind of socialization. If Lanora is out
with
> her public schooled friends for too long her attitude towards
Jonathan
> becomes impatient and haughty.
>
> Physical and emotional attacks are not tolerated so I use a balance
of
> intervention and letting them work it out. Knowing that whining
won't
> get a response from me helps to stop it before it starts. Usually
I give
> comfort to the one who feels wronged and give advice if it's asked
for.
> I try to not "rescue", it's okay to say no to sharing, this teaches
them
> to be cooperative cuz if you want to use someone's stuff it's best
to
> keep them friendly towards you. If it comes to being physical or
unkind
> I step in.
>
> Kris
>
> ________________________________________________________________
> GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO!
> Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less!
> Join Juno today! For your FREE software, visit:
> http://dl.www.juno.com/get/web/.