child centered parenting...
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/4/99 7:02:45 PM, faithb@... writes:
<< I myself had never heard
any controvery on this issue other than from child-centered parents >>
faith,
could you explain the phrase child-centered parents: where you learned it
from and what it means? this may be inherent to the controversy... i am
truly curious as to what this means from an ezzo method standpoint!!!
erin
<< I myself had never heard
any controvery on this issue other than from child-centered parents >>
faith,
could you explain the phrase child-centered parents: where you learned it
from and what it means? this may be inherent to the controversy... i am
truly curious as to what this means from an ezzo method standpoint!!!
erin
faith buckley
A lot of this, if not all, will mean nothing to the non-Christian. It's based
on scripture and God. To those of you who are going to read this, please
don't take offense and think I am saying you have to follow this. Erin asked
me a question of what I have learned and the reasons to the way I believe. I
am simply answering her question.
God intended our priorities to be:
1. God
2. husband/wife
3. children
When we get away from that and put children before our husband/wife
relationship and sometimes even before God we are getting into child-centered
parenting. Putting the child's feelings before anything, including their
behavior. Always making the child 'feel' happy instead of making him
responsible for his actions. When the child leads what the family does
instead of mom and dad. Basically making the child the center of our
existence. Now don't get me wrong. I love my children and they mean
everything to me and my husband, but we know that our relationship with God
and each other is more important. Let me explain why before you label me an
uncaring monster!
God made Adam, saw he was lonely and created Eve. Then he said "it was very
good" (Gen. 1:27-31) and rested. If you notice children were not present when
he said this. After woman was created God authoritatively declared that His
creation was very good. If children were necessary to complete man and woman
God would have created children, then said it was good. The marriage
relationship lacks nothing. Woman alone completes man and visa vera. So, the
husband and wife form the nucleus of the family unit. Children do not
complete the family: they expand it. A healthy husband/wife relationship is
necessary to the emotional wellbeing of a child. When they see that mom & dad
love each other more than anything, their world is secure. They don't worry
or even think that they aren't loved, they know they are. They don't need to
be made the center of the family to feel love.
In GKGW they suggest daily "couch time". It's a time taken 10-15
min.everyday, in front of the kids (meaning you don't go into a back room
somewhere or wait til they go to bed) and you two talk with the understanding
the kids are not to interrupt. It provides your kids with a visual sense of
your togetherness. They also suggest each parent set up a certain time each
week to spend one-on-one time with each child, and family things to do
together.
I'll stop now, sorry so long. Like I said this is how I believe. I don't
condemn anyone who lives or believes differently.
Living for Him, (and trying my best) :-)
Faith
on scripture and God. To those of you who are going to read this, please
don't take offense and think I am saying you have to follow this. Erin asked
me a question of what I have learned and the reasons to the way I believe. I
am simply answering her question.
God intended our priorities to be:
1. God
2. husband/wife
3. children
When we get away from that and put children before our husband/wife
relationship and sometimes even before God we are getting into child-centered
parenting. Putting the child's feelings before anything, including their
behavior. Always making the child 'feel' happy instead of making him
responsible for his actions. When the child leads what the family does
instead of mom and dad. Basically making the child the center of our
existence. Now don't get me wrong. I love my children and they mean
everything to me and my husband, but we know that our relationship with God
and each other is more important. Let me explain why before you label me an
uncaring monster!
God made Adam, saw he was lonely and created Eve. Then he said "it was very
good" (Gen. 1:27-31) and rested. If you notice children were not present when
he said this. After woman was created God authoritatively declared that His
creation was very good. If children were necessary to complete man and woman
God would have created children, then said it was good. The marriage
relationship lacks nothing. Woman alone completes man and visa vera. So, the
husband and wife form the nucleus of the family unit. Children do not
complete the family: they expand it. A healthy husband/wife relationship is
necessary to the emotional wellbeing of a child. When they see that mom & dad
love each other more than anything, their world is secure. They don't worry
or even think that they aren't loved, they know they are. They don't need to
be made the center of the family to feel love.
In GKGW they suggest daily "couch time". It's a time taken 10-15
min.everyday, in front of the kids (meaning you don't go into a back room
somewhere or wait til they go to bed) and you two talk with the understanding
the kids are not to interrupt. It provides your kids with a visual sense of
your togetherness. They also suggest each parent set up a certain time each
week to spend one-on-one time with each child, and family things to do
together.
I'll stop now, sorry so long. Like I said this is how I believe. I don't
condemn anyone who lives or believes differently.
Living for Him, (and trying my best) :-)
Faith
The O'Donnells
At 11:17 AM 10/5/99 -0700, you wrote:
and am just catching up. I am not attempting to reopen a bucket of worms like
this but wanted to pass on a couple of things for you to consider. First, let
me say I am a Christian was raised by very authoritarian parents and started
out parenting similarly. I have changed. My dh comes right after God just as
you outlined but my kids are much more to me than I was taught children should
be considered. I can testify that being raised in an authoritarian
methodology
does in fact breed and cultivate unthinking obedience. It took me the better
part of 20 years to overcome the effects of an authoritarian upbringing,
and in
fact probably still suffer from it at times. So I know that comment to be
true
in the fullest form.
I thoroughly support this quote and would say it is now how I look at my
children:
<< I have noticed that there are not a lot of verses
about childraising in the bible and I believe that is because we should treat
our children like anyone else; with love, patience, respect, etc... Notice
that even God let's us have free will and we blow it often! So it should go
with our children. And that is my two cents. >>
In response to your sharing of scripture I only want to ask you to pull your
Bible back out and revisit a verse, Gen 1:28 where God told them to multiply
(i.e., children) and replenish the earth. It wasn't until verse 31 that God
said it was very good. A man can live alone with no wife and live a life God
views as very good in our day and time (I Corn. 7:8) and living married is
also
looked upon by God as very good in our day and time (I Corn. 7:2 and others.)
With or without children a marriage is a good thing and as you say lacks
nothing. Interestingly, in scripture, the number 3 represents completeness
- a
child actually makes a family; there is no family without children, only a
couple. So while God had not created children by verse 31 He did in fact
create the necessary means by which a child could be born.�And even instructed
Adam and Eve to multiply.
their world is secure.� >They don't worry or even think that they aren't
loved,
they know they are.� They don't need to >be made the center of the family to
feel love.
This is so true. They aren't to be the center of the family; but God should
be. And with God in His proper place, the family can function with
emphasis on
children or not on children. That is really left up to the parents. Children
should be treated with respect for their feelings on different subjects just
like adults. An adult can usually tell if their feelings are truly in need of
consideration or if they are throwing a temper tantrum, fit of jealousy, etc.
But we must be able to hear their side of things and weigh the situation
teaching them how to listen to their feelings but weigh them against what God
wants in any given situation. It is much easier to simply be authoritarian -
you don't have the judgement calls to make - it is just OBEY! God does not do
that to us thus I do not believe God would want us to do that to our
children.
Freedom of will is BIG with God! Christ obeyed God of his own free will unto
the death of the cross.
children? Don't the children see the parents just living life? I can't
imagine telling my dds to sit there and watch Mom and Dad be together - oh and
by the way, don't interrupt. Yikes!
believe in this country isn't it? My heart goes out to all children in
authoritarian homes though, I've been at the receiving end and the recovery
end
and it has become my decision to live with my children fostering free will,
individual thinking, questioning and openness. These make my life very
challenging at times but it is well worth it to me to know my kids won't have
to overcome the mental anguish authoritarianism creates.
Understand that my kids understand that there is appropriate authority in life
but they also know they can ask questions when they don't understand
(something
I was never allowed to do), they can choose to disagree with me (something
that
I was never allowed to do), and they get to live with the consequences of
their
actions (something I never got to do until I was free of someone else doing my
thinking for me - somewhere around age 21.) By the way my earthly father
still
cannot accept the fact that I don't opt to do things his way. Thus, even now,
to him my life is unacceptable. I even feel sorry for him and the loss he
suffers from his current attitude toward me and my family. My brother raises
his kids like my Dad did me. My step mother once told me she thought my kids
were much more peaceful and less angry than my brother's kids. Their only
option to the frustration they feel is to lash out (for which they get
punished.) My kids can ask questions (respectfully) and even disagree with
me. For their safety of course, Mom and Dad has the last say in anything that
might harm them. If it is something that will not physically harm them, we
will often let them spread their wings - I'd rather be there to pick up the
pieces now and help them see how to avoid these things in the future while
they
are still under my wing.
Doing my best as well,
In His Service,
Laraine
praxis@...
Subscribe to Our Prairie Primer Today Community at:
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/PrairiePrimerToday
>Hi and welcome to the list - I've had email on the back burner for a while now
> Faith,
and am just catching up. I am not attempting to reopen a bucket of worms like
this but wanted to pass on a couple of things for you to consider. First, let
me say I am a Christian was raised by very authoritarian parents and started
out parenting similarly. I have changed. My dh comes right after God just as
you outlined but my kids are much more to me than I was taught children should
be considered. I can testify that being raised in an authoritarian
methodology
does in fact breed and cultivate unthinking obedience. It took me the better
part of 20 years to overcome the effects of an authoritarian upbringing,
and in
fact probably still suffer from it at times. So I know that comment to be
true
in the fullest form.
I thoroughly support this quote and would say it is now how I look at my
children:
<< I have noticed that there are not a lot of verses
about childraising in the bible and I believe that is because we should treat
our children like anyone else; with love, patience, respect, etc... Notice
that even God let's us have free will and we blow it often! So it should go
with our children. And that is my two cents. >>
In response to your sharing of scripture I only want to ask you to pull your
Bible back out and revisit a verse, Gen 1:28 where God told them to multiply
(i.e., children) and replenish the earth. It wasn't until verse 31 that God
said it was very good. A man can live alone with no wife and live a life God
views as very good in our day and time (I Corn. 7:8) and living married is
also
looked upon by God as very good in our day and time (I Corn. 7:2 and others.)
With or without children a marriage is a good thing and as you say lacks
nothing. Interestingly, in scripture, the number 3 represents completeness
- a
child actually makes a family; there is no family without children, only a
couple. So while God had not created children by verse 31 He did in fact
create the necessary means by which a child could be born.�And even instructed
Adam and Eve to multiply.
> A healthy husband/wife relationship is necessary to the emotional wellbeingof a child.� >When they see that mom & dad love each other more than anything,
their world is secure.� >They don't worry or even think that they aren't
loved,
they know they are.� They don't need to >be made the center of the family to
feel love.
This is so true. They aren't to be the center of the family; but God should
be. And with God in His proper place, the family can function with
emphasis on
children or not on children. That is really left up to the parents. Children
should be treated with respect for their feelings on different subjects just
like adults. An adult can usually tell if their feelings are truly in need of
consideration or if they are throwing a temper tantrum, fit of jealousy, etc.
But we must be able to hear their side of things and weigh the situation
teaching them how to listen to their feelings but weigh them against what God
wants in any given situation. It is much easier to simply be authoritarian -
you don't have the judgement calls to make - it is just OBEY! God does not do
that to us thus I do not believe God would want us to do that to our
children.
Freedom of will is BIG with God! Christ obeyed God of his own free will unto
the death of the cross.
>understanding
> In GKGW they suggest daily "couch time".� It's a time taken 10-15
> min.everyday, in front of the kids (meaning you don't go into a back room
> somewhere or wait til they go to bed) and you two talk with the
> the kids are not to interrupt.� It provides your kids with a visual sense ofThis amazes me. Don't most parents spend time together in front of their
> your togetherness.� They also suggest each parent set up a certain time each
> week to spend one-on-one time with each child, and family things to do
> together.
children? Don't the children see the parents just living life? I can't
imagine telling my dds to sit there and watch Mom and Dad be together - oh and
by the way, don't interrupt. Yikes!
>Nor do I condemn you Faith. It is wonderful to be able to speak what you
>
>
> I'll stop now, sorry so long.� Like I said this is how I believe. I don't
> condemn anyone who lives or believes differently.
believe in this country isn't it? My heart goes out to all children in
authoritarian homes though, I've been at the receiving end and the recovery
end
and it has become my decision to live with my children fostering free will,
individual thinking, questioning and openness. These make my life very
challenging at times but it is well worth it to me to know my kids won't have
to overcome the mental anguish authoritarianism creates.
Understand that my kids understand that there is appropriate authority in life
but they also know they can ask questions when they don't understand
(something
I was never allowed to do), they can choose to disagree with me (something
that
I was never allowed to do), and they get to live with the consequences of
their
actions (something I never got to do until I was free of someone else doing my
thinking for me - somewhere around age 21.) By the way my earthly father
still
cannot accept the fact that I don't opt to do things his way. Thus, even now,
to him my life is unacceptable. I even feel sorry for him and the loss he
suffers from his current attitude toward me and my family. My brother raises
his kids like my Dad did me. My step mother once told me she thought my kids
were much more peaceful and less angry than my brother's kids. Their only
option to the frustration they feel is to lash out (for which they get
punished.) My kids can ask questions (respectfully) and even disagree with
me. For their safety of course, Mom and Dad has the last say in anything that
might harm them. If it is something that will not physically harm them, we
will often let them spread their wings - I'd rather be there to pick up the
pieces now and help them see how to avoid these things in the future while
they
are still under my wing.
Doing my best as well,
In His Service,
Laraine
praxis@...
Subscribe to Our Prairie Primer Today Community at:
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/PrairiePrimerToday