Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: stepford mom
Bonni Sollars
Bridget,
Haha, stepford mom! I'm going to call myself that everytime I'm doing
things I don't feel like doing. Sometimes I need to remember that I'm
doing it because I want to, not to satisfy someone else's selfish ways.
I am learning that there are ways to ask my kids to do things without
actually asking and without threatening. If there is something to do, I
can just describe it. Usually, someone will volunteer. I learned this
from a book called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids
Will Talk. But the reason I read it was because my kids would not
cooperate with their chore charts. We still have charts as guidelines in
case they want some guidance, but not as a must. Also, walking them
through is another way to engage cooperation. I really have found that
if I ask the kids to do something without me they will try and avoid it.
If I say, "The recycles are on the back porch, I want them in the car."
to my two oldest, they will usually go and do it willingly. If I say,
"Go and do this," they often find excuses or make themselves scarce. If
I describe the situation and describe my feelings, and they still don't
do it, then I know they probably not only don't want to but may feel
overwhelmed by the job. So, I'll say, "It seems to me that you don't
want to do it?" And they will say, "Not now, I'm really interested in
this book" or something like that. Or they might say, "Can I do it
later?" Then we agree on another time and if they avoid it, I say, "We
have an agreement." Or, if it can't wait, I will say, "I really need
your help with this. I don't have much time and I'm worried I won't get
done in time." Then, instead of expecting them to do it alone, I do it
with them. Doing things with them is always more enjoyable than barking
orders at them and expecting them to do things on their own, or me doing
it alone. I used to hate it when my Dad, a rancher, would interrupt my
play for hard, "men's work". But I didn't mind as much when we were
working together, in fact, I looked forward to doing chores together with
him. I have learned a lot about boundaries since realizing I have
"codependency issues" a few years ago. That I am me and others are not
me. Part of this involves not demanding things of others, but part of it
also is self-respect, and expressing my desires and opinions. The fine
line between not being controlling and not being passive and overly
tolerant was interesting to find, and I am still finding it.
Bonni
Haha, stepford mom! I'm going to call myself that everytime I'm doing
things I don't feel like doing. Sometimes I need to remember that I'm
doing it because I want to, not to satisfy someone else's selfish ways.
I am learning that there are ways to ask my kids to do things without
actually asking and without threatening. If there is something to do, I
can just describe it. Usually, someone will volunteer. I learned this
from a book called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids
Will Talk. But the reason I read it was because my kids would not
cooperate with their chore charts. We still have charts as guidelines in
case they want some guidance, but not as a must. Also, walking them
through is another way to engage cooperation. I really have found that
if I ask the kids to do something without me they will try and avoid it.
If I say, "The recycles are on the back porch, I want them in the car."
to my two oldest, they will usually go and do it willingly. If I say,
"Go and do this," they often find excuses or make themselves scarce. If
I describe the situation and describe my feelings, and they still don't
do it, then I know they probably not only don't want to but may feel
overwhelmed by the job. So, I'll say, "It seems to me that you don't
want to do it?" And they will say, "Not now, I'm really interested in
this book" or something like that. Or they might say, "Can I do it
later?" Then we agree on another time and if they avoid it, I say, "We
have an agreement." Or, if it can't wait, I will say, "I really need
your help with this. I don't have much time and I'm worried I won't get
done in time." Then, instead of expecting them to do it alone, I do it
with them. Doing things with them is always more enjoyable than barking
orders at them and expecting them to do things on their own, or me doing
it alone. I used to hate it when my Dad, a rancher, would interrupt my
play for hard, "men's work". But I didn't mind as much when we were
working together, in fact, I looked forward to doing chores together with
him. I have learned a lot about boundaries since realizing I have
"codependency issues" a few years ago. That I am me and others are not
me. Part of this involves not demanding things of others, but part of it
also is self-respect, and expressing my desires and opinions. The fine
line between not being controlling and not being passive and overly
tolerant was interesting to find, and I am still finding it.
Bonni
rumpleteasermom
--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., Bonni Sollars <BSOLLARS@J...> wrote:
Perfect way to phrase it. I guess it's what I've been trying to say,
that some people here sound like they are a little too far down the
passive side of the scale.
And Bonni, your family sounds a lot like mine. Lots of stuff gets
done, with or without the job list, but without the job list, things
were just not flowing smoothly. Now, with it, they do because
everyone knows who's doing what and what still needs done, etc.
Bridget
> The fineEXACTLY!!!!!!!
> line between not being controlling and not being passive and overly
> tolerant was interesting to find, and I am still finding it.
> Bonni
Perfect way to phrase it. I guess it's what I've been trying to say,
that some people here sound like they are a little too far down the
passive side of the scale.
And Bonni, your family sounds a lot like mine. Lots of stuff gets
done, with or without the job list, but without the job list, things
were just not flowing smoothly. Now, with it, they do because
everyone knows who's doing what and what still needs done, etc.
Bridget