Unschooling/Personal Relations
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My personal impression of my role as an unschooling parent is to provide
opportunities for as many fun and interesting things I can, to provide
unconditional love, encouragement, support and safety and stability. To bite
my lip when I want to tell my son he's doing it wrong or going the wrong
direction. To stop my hand when I want to put it in his project to shape it
to what I 'know' is better. To offer any and all truth, information and
knowledge to him when he asks for it. This, to me, is based on the basic
belief that if a person is given the room, opportunity and support to grow
and learn, he/she will naturally want to grow, learn and change to improve
and further his/her life. If I, as an adult, personally trust in myself, I
can get life-changing ideas from experts, amateurs, ants, sesame street, etc.
Learning is endless. But if I feel like someone or something outside of
myself has all the 'right' answers, my growth may depend on that source.
To me, allowing this freedom is to respect my son in his own growth and
process. I would like to extend that respect to everyone that I interact
with. I think the philosophy that someone may not know if it I don't tell
them is arrogant and flawed. If I have a truth, and someone wants it, it's
wrong imo to withhold it. But if I have a truth, and I want someone else to
have it when they didn't ask, it's arrogant and controlling. And it's
assuming that without the great wise and powerful 'me', they wouldn't get it.
I think the 'tell it like it is' philosophy is great, when someone is asking
for it. When I want someone to tell me straight out, I ask straight out.
I'm just spouting some thoughts here. I just don't understand why we respect
our kids to do the right thing for themselves if we encourage them to trust
themselves and provide access to everything, but in relating to other adults,
we need to tell someone who didn't ask that they're doing it wrong because
otherwise they might never know.
I think there is a balance between sickly sweet and cold hard truth. I also
think that just because someone knows a lot about a certain topic, such as
unschooling, doesn't mean that they know the best way to convey new ideas to
people. Or the best way to introduce wholly different lifestyles to someone
without insulting their ability to think for themselves or trust themselves.
I've learned a lot about the human body, massage, movement and nutrition.
But it took me awhile (and I'm still learning) to realize that just pushing
this truth onto everyone isn't always effective. And many counselors I've
talked to have told me that there is a definite process to self change, and
to rush that process is damaging. To just walk up and tell someone that
they're repeating a self defeating habit and here's what they need to do
different, when they didn't ask and most likely aren't ready, can be more
harmful than good. It can cause defensiveness and loss of self trust and may
even cause them cling even stronger to the self defeating behavior.
I think it was Rumi who said 'Follow people who are searching for the truth,
run from those who have found it."
Brenda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
opportunities for as many fun and interesting things I can, to provide
unconditional love, encouragement, support and safety and stability. To bite
my lip when I want to tell my son he's doing it wrong or going the wrong
direction. To stop my hand when I want to put it in his project to shape it
to what I 'know' is better. To offer any and all truth, information and
knowledge to him when he asks for it. This, to me, is based on the basic
belief that if a person is given the room, opportunity and support to grow
and learn, he/she will naturally want to grow, learn and change to improve
and further his/her life. If I, as an adult, personally trust in myself, I
can get life-changing ideas from experts, amateurs, ants, sesame street, etc.
Learning is endless. But if I feel like someone or something outside of
myself has all the 'right' answers, my growth may depend on that source.
To me, allowing this freedom is to respect my son in his own growth and
process. I would like to extend that respect to everyone that I interact
with. I think the philosophy that someone may not know if it I don't tell
them is arrogant and flawed. If I have a truth, and someone wants it, it's
wrong imo to withhold it. But if I have a truth, and I want someone else to
have it when they didn't ask, it's arrogant and controlling. And it's
assuming that without the great wise and powerful 'me', they wouldn't get it.
I think the 'tell it like it is' philosophy is great, when someone is asking
for it. When I want someone to tell me straight out, I ask straight out.
I'm just spouting some thoughts here. I just don't understand why we respect
our kids to do the right thing for themselves if we encourage them to trust
themselves and provide access to everything, but in relating to other adults,
we need to tell someone who didn't ask that they're doing it wrong because
otherwise they might never know.
I think there is a balance between sickly sweet and cold hard truth. I also
think that just because someone knows a lot about a certain topic, such as
unschooling, doesn't mean that they know the best way to convey new ideas to
people. Or the best way to introduce wholly different lifestyles to someone
without insulting their ability to think for themselves or trust themselves.
I've learned a lot about the human body, massage, movement and nutrition.
But it took me awhile (and I'm still learning) to realize that just pushing
this truth onto everyone isn't always effective. And many counselors I've
talked to have told me that there is a definite process to self change, and
to rush that process is damaging. To just walk up and tell someone that
they're repeating a self defeating habit and here's what they need to do
different, when they didn't ask and most likely aren't ready, can be more
harmful than good. It can cause defensiveness and loss of self trust and may
even cause them cling even stronger to the self defeating behavior.
I think it was Rumi who said 'Follow people who are searching for the truth,
run from those who have found it."
Brenda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sharon Rudd
--- brendaclaspell@... wrote:
anybody who's "found it"! Don't even know anyone who
has claimed to!!
After one has recognized a bad physical habit, what do
recommend to get rid of it? I have some habits that I
would be better off without....and I prefer not to
describe them. it. Don't want to replace the
behaviour with anything either. Just wanna stop. Not
the end of the world or anything, but irritating
sometimes. Just wondering what you would recommend. I
broke the fingernail biting habit years ago on my own.
(pat on back)
Thanks, Sharon
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> I think it was Rumi who said 'Follow people who areThat's a good quote. Aren't we lucky we don't know
> searching for the truth,
> run from those who have found it."
>
> Brenda
anybody who's "found it"! Don't even know anyone who
has claimed to!!
After one has recognized a bad physical habit, what do
recommend to get rid of it? I have some habits that I
would be better off without....and I prefer not to
describe them. it. Don't want to replace the
behaviour with anything either. Just wanna stop. Not
the end of the world or anything, but irritating
sometimes. Just wondering what you would recommend. I
broke the fingernail biting habit years ago on my own.
(pat on back)
Thanks, Sharon
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[email protected]
In a message dated 9/30/01 3:09:09 PM US Eastern Standard Time,
bearspawprint@... writes:
and sharing any points found along the way with any who come to want them,
and coming to a plateau to stand at and dispense truth from that place,
seeming to be disconnected from the journey that got them there and lacking
understanding and compassion for those still getting to that plateau and
beyond.
belief patterns. I have smoked, drank, bit my nails, picked at scabs, bit my
lips, etc. For me they are nervous 'self-picking' habits I acquired from
childhood. I grew up in a very critical environment, not knowing where the
next criticism might come from, and never feeling safe to just relax and be
myself and know that all would be well. When I do these things now, I'm
feeling tense, unsure of myself, not liking myself, not trusting or loving
myself, and sometimes from having been around others who are judging and
criticizing me. For me, the cure isn't to just force myself to stop (which
btw usually sends me to just redirect it into another habit), but to change
at a deeper level. This is why I believe that telling someone, 'you're doing
this, it's causing this and you need to stop' is ineffective. I know that
picking at my nails til they bleed is wrong and hurts me, but finding out
'why' I do it and trying to comfort the need to do it is more effective.
Brenda
P.s. Sharon, thanks so much for the shoe patterns. My computer was weird but
I was finally able to download them. Thanks for taking the time to send that
out.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bearspawprint@... writes:
> That's a good quote. Aren't we lucky we don't knowGood point. There is also a difference between being on a learning journey
> anybody who's "found it"! Don't even know anyone whohas claimed to!!
and sharing any points found along the way with any who come to want them,
and coming to a plateau to stand at and dispense truth from that place,
seeming to be disconnected from the journey that got them there and lacking
understanding and compassion for those still getting to that plateau and
beyond.
>My opinion and experience is that most physical habits are extensions of
> After one has recognized a bad physical habit, what do
> recommend to get rid of it? I have some habits that I
> would be better off without....and I prefer not to
> describe them. it. Don't want to replace the
> behaviour with anything either. Just wanna stop. Not
> the end of the world or anything, but irritating
> sometimes. Just wondering what you would recommend. I
> broke the fingernail biting habit years ago on my own.
> (pat on back)
>
belief patterns. I have smoked, drank, bit my nails, picked at scabs, bit my
lips, etc. For me they are nervous 'self-picking' habits I acquired from
childhood. I grew up in a very critical environment, not knowing where the
next criticism might come from, and never feeling safe to just relax and be
myself and know that all would be well. When I do these things now, I'm
feeling tense, unsure of myself, not liking myself, not trusting or loving
myself, and sometimes from having been around others who are judging and
criticizing me. For me, the cure isn't to just force myself to stop (which
btw usually sends me to just redirect it into another habit), but to change
at a deeper level. This is why I believe that telling someone, 'you're doing
this, it's causing this and you need to stop' is ineffective. I know that
picking at my nails til they bleed is wrong and hurts me, but finding out
'why' I do it and trying to comfort the need to do it is more effective.
Brenda
P.s. Sharon, thanks so much for the shoe patterns. My computer was weird but
I was finally able to download them. Thanks for taking the time to send that
out.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sharon Rudd
Hey, that was pretty good! Thanks
Sharon
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Sharon
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