[email protected]

In a message dated 09/07/2001 11:14:37 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:


> Yeah, I see your point. I was just quoting a story I heard at second
> step. The teacher made the mistake of saying, "Throw that in the garbage
> right now!" and the child went ballistic, throwing chairs around and
> everything. She said she wishes she had requested, then given choices if
> he refused to cooperate, to have been more respectful. I have given my
> children choices between a positive or negative behavior, and they will
> pause, and say, "Okay,I choose this." I have only done it a few times
> when to have not done it meant not respecting my child. I would never
> say it to my older children, because they already know it is their
> choice. I just wanted them to know that they did not have to only have
> the choice of throwing a fit. I think the clue is in your motive. Do
> you want to control them, then they'll see through it. Do you want to
>

Okay, I have to start out with the disclaimer that I have a really easy kid,
who has never responded to a simple request by refusing or throwing a fit.
But I have hung out in various other contexts with a wide variety of
personalities of kids. So keep in mind that I may be totally missing
something.

It strikes me that if you have a kid who refuses to fulfill a simple,
reasonable request ("Please throw the apple core into the garbage."), you
already have a problem pattern going on. It's one thing if the kid says, "I'm
going to as soon as I finish this life on the Playstation game," which is a
reasonable response. (We owe it to our kids, I think, to try to function
WITHOUT sticks up our butts. And not agreeing to that reasonable delay WOULD
imply "control issues.")

I think respect for our kids is VERY important. I also think that respect for
parents is. By that I do not mean immediate, blind obedience. I THINK (again,
remembering that I have an easy kid) that Julian responds positively, and
usually in a timely manner, to requests we make of him because history has
proven that we generally make reasonable requests.

(Another disclaimer: I would love passionately to believe that Julian's
general positive attitude and "obedience" (if you want to call it that--I
think of it as cooperation) is because of our superior parenting skills. And
having just one child I could probably blissfully assume that that is the
case---but I really don't think so. I think he's just like that.)

Kathryn


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