[email protected]

My nephew started homeschool after second grade. He was the class
clown and kept getting notes from the teacher. His dad was furious
because he would get a couple each week. When he started homeschool
he was upset that he wouldn't be with his friends. So mom pointed
out that (1) He and his friends never got together after school to
play anyway. They only saw each other during school (and he was
getting in trouble). (2) He kept getting in trouble! Your son isn't
going to miss those friends for long. When he realizes he can
complete school work in a couple of hours that will take his friends
seven hours, he will see it differently.

Molly

Nicki Clark

<<When he realizes he can
complete school work in a couple of hours that will take his friends
seven hours, he will see it differently.>>

Well, I have tried to logic him out of it and it's just something he's going
to have to go through before he can fully feel that it'll be alright. Yes,
he's gone 7 hours a day. But he does not spend that amount of time doing
anything remotely like what he'll do at home. And he DOES have recess twice
a day plus lunch recess and PE twice a week - he and his friends organized
their own soccer games with teams and rules and he absolutely loves it.
These are not things I can recreate at home. Sure he can spend ALL day
outside if he wants when he homeschools but he can't spend it doing the
things he really loves - playing with all his friends. He NEVER gets in
trouble and he's (finally) made tons of really great friends. When we go to
school functions it is SO hard for me not to second-guess my decision
because I see the social interactions going on and they are all extremely
positive and not something I can recreate at home.

SO - that being said - I do sort of have my own answer. I KNOW that he will
not have this interaction all summer, as is true with his other friends. And
he can't "blame" that on homeschooling. Over the summer, we are going to try
hard to keep busy in the neighborhood (he has two close friends he can ride
his bike over to) and try to further establish friendships in homeschooling
groups, church, etc. He's going to play soccer (yikes, I really hate this,
he lives in the real soccer haven in our area and everyone is
soccer-obsessed) through the summer and into the fall. They do teams by
neighborhood so that will be good. He will surely know all the kids from
school already. And then my husband has agreed to be "social coordinator"
for awhile (I am really introverted and shy - I'd be happy to NEVER pick up
a phone) and arrange play dates and keep the friendships alive that he had
at school. No reason why he can't still have them from home, right? So
anyway - that's our plan. It won't be soccer three times a day, but
hopefully he'll have changed his priorities by fall and forgotten about all
that and won't resent homeschooling. Right now he resents the very mention
of it.

Nicki

Jon and Rue Kream

My daughter went to kindergarten and has kept up her friendship with her
best friend. It can be done with some effort from the parents. Are you
keeping him in school through the end of the year because he wants to stay
there? I would be very concerned about the fact that he feels this adult
has the right to tell him what he's allowed to do and capable of doing.
Maybe the best message you could give him to show that she does not have
that power is to take him out now? Every day he spends there is another
day to undo later, and if you're feeling that she has more power in your
home than you do, I'd consider that a serious negative affect of being in
school. I'm not trying to second guess you - obviously you know the
situation best. My gut reaction is just get him out of there :). ~Rue

-----Original Message-----
From: Nicki Clark [mailto:nicki@...]
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2001 9:01 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [Unschooling-dotcom] He won't miss his friends


<<When he realizes he can
complete school work in a couple of hours that will take his friends
seven hours, he will see it differently.>>

Well, I have tried to logic him out of it and it's just something he's going
to have to go through before he can fully feel that it'll be alright. Yes,
he's gone 7 hours a day. But he does not spend that amount of time doing
anything remotely like what he'll do at home. And he DOES have recess twice
a day plus lunch recess and PE twice a week - he and his friends organized
their own soccer games with teams and rules and he absolutely loves it.
These are not things I can recreate at home. Sure he can spend ALL day
outside if he wants when he homeschools but he can't spend it doing the
things he really loves - playing with all his friends. He NEVER gets in
trouble and he's (finally) made tons of really great friends. When we go to
school functions it is SO hard for me not to second-guess my decision
because I see the social interactions going on and they are all extremely
positive and not something I can recreate at home.

SO - that being said - I do sort of have my own answer. I KNOW that he will
not have this interaction all summer, as is true with his other friends. And
he can't "blame" that on homeschooling. Over the summer, we are going to try
hard to keep busy in the neighborhood (he has two close friends he can ride
his bike over to) and try to further establish friendships in homeschooling
groups, church, etc. He's going to play soccer (yikes, I really hate this,
he lives in the real soccer haven in our area and everyone is
soccer-obsessed) through the summer and into the fall. They do teams by
neighborhood so that will be good. He will surely know all the kids from
school already. And then my husband has agreed to be "social coordinator"
for awhile (I am really introverted and shy - I'd be happy to NEVER pick up
a phone) and arrange play dates and keep the friendships alive that he had
at school. No reason why he can't still have them from home, right? So
anyway - that's our plan. It won't be soccer three times a day, but
hopefully he'll have changed his priorities by fall and forgotten about all
that and won't resent homeschooling. Right now he resents the very mention
of it.

Nicki


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Nicki Clark

<< Are you
keeping him in school through the end of the year because he wants to stay
there? >>

Well, if I were doing what *he* wants to do I'd be keeping him there
forever. So, no, not really. I'm keeping him there because I feel we have a
way better chance at a happier, less resentful transition into unschooling
if he leaves school with the rest of his classmates and just does not return
after break. I do respect the need for "closure" and the end of the year is
far less "academic" and structured and that is when ALL the "fun" stuff goes
on (Field Day, parties, etc). So I'm ok leaving him in there if it means a
smoother transition later.

This is a little boy who has been through TREMENDOUS change almost
constantly in life. He witnessed much emotional abuse for the first four
years of his life, then lost his father, was put into a charter Kindergarten
and then pulled out a few months later (JUST as he'd started making
friends), then lost mama to the workforce, had a new man move into his life
and home, stayed with one caregiver, moved to a new city for the first time
in his life (had to lose all his life-long neighborhood pals), then went to
daycare (saying goodbye to his old caregiver) and had to leave when I lost
my job (and was completely tormented with grief that he lost all his daycare
friends and family), now I'm home again and he's in school. My family has
made my comments about his lack of emotional stability - that I am
constantly uprooting him. I feel so guilty about all of this. Every time I
make a change he is more and more devastated. Things are FINALLY stable in
my life. But I am *so* cautious about making any changes in his life. I
*could* have homeschooled him last year and avoided all this mess but I lost
my job just a few weeks before school started and he already knew he was to
start and I had NO confidence that my unemployment status would be anything
but temporary. I still have days when I am in total fear that something will
happen that will require me to have to put my kids back in school/daycare
and those days are what make the jump to homeschooling so scary for me. But
the thoughts that I am consciously choosing an action that I KNOW will
absolutely devastate my child, emotionally, is a really HARD thing to do. I
am keeping to my convictions that homeschooling is for the greater good and
that my life IS stable and will continue to be stable but I am treading very
lightly because of the implications of uprooting this child from a place he
loves and feels safe yet again in his short six years of life.

Nicki

Lynda

Well, Nicki, you and your little guy need some hugs!!!!

Just a thought. Do you think that just possibly that he can be "reading"
some of the fear and guilt you feel and that is making all this harder for
him? They have pretty good antennas at that age. I mean, you are tense
because of feeling guilty and that tension may be affecting him.

All the disruptions that have occured would have been big creators of
tension and he may "read" any tension as an automatic negative and
immediately go on the defensive.

Maybe you can spend the summer setting up a network of friends for him to
stay close to when school starts. Let him know what unschooling is all
about, how he gets to be in control. Being in control may help him feel
safer and more secure.

Lynda
----- Original Message -----
From: "Nicki Clark" <nicki@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2001 6:37 AM
Subject: RE: [Unschooling-dotcom] He won't miss his friends


> << Are you
> keeping him in school through the end of the year because he wants to stay
> there? >>
>
> Well, if I were doing what *he* wants to do I'd be keeping him there
> forever. So, no, not really. I'm keeping him there because I feel we have
a
> way better chance at a happier, less resentful transition into unschooling
> if he leaves school with the rest of his classmates and just does not
return
> after break. I do respect the need for "closure" and the end of the year
is
> far less "academic" and structured and that is when ALL the "fun" stuff
goes
> on (Field Day, parties, etc). So I'm ok leaving him in there if it means a
> smoother transition later.
>
> This is a little boy who has been through TREMENDOUS change almost
> constantly in life. He witnessed much emotional abuse for the first four
> years of his life, then lost his father, was put into a charter
Kindergarten
> and then pulled out a few months later (JUST as he'd started making
> friends), then lost mama to the workforce, had a new man move into his
life
> and home, stayed with one caregiver, moved to a new city for the first
time
> in his life (had to lose all his life-long neighborhood pals), then went
to
> daycare (saying goodbye to his old caregiver) and had to leave when I lost
> my job (and was completely tormented with grief that he lost all his
daycare
> friends and family), now I'm home again and he's in school. My family has
> made my comments about his lack of emotional stability - that I am
> constantly uprooting him. I feel so guilty about all of this. Every time I
> make a change he is more and more devastated. Things are FINALLY stable in
> my life. But I am *so* cautious about making any changes in his life. I
> *could* have homeschooled him last year and avoided all this mess but I
lost
> my job just a few weeks before school started and he already knew he was
to
> start and I had NO confidence that my unemployment status would be
anything
> but temporary. I still have days when I am in total fear that something
will
> happen that will require me to have to put my kids back in school/daycare
> and those days are what make the jump to homeschooling so scary for me.
But
> the thoughts that I am consciously choosing an action that I KNOW will
> absolutely devastate my child, emotionally, is a really HARD thing to do.
I
> am keeping to my convictions that homeschooling is for the greater good
and
> that my life IS stable and will continue to be stable but I am treading
very
> lightly because of the implications of uprooting this child from a place
he
> loves and feels safe yet again in his short six years of life.
>
> Nicki
>
>
> Message boards, timely articles, a free newsletter and more!
> Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com
>
> To unsubscribe, set preferences, or read archives:
> http://www.egroups.com/group/Unschooling-dotcom
>
> Another great list sponsored by Home Education Magazine!
> http://www.home-ed-magazine.com
>
>
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/28/01 7:50:22 PM, elmamahnke@... writes:

<< When he realizes he can
complete school work in a couple of hours that will take his friends
seven hours, he will see it differently. >>

This isn't an unschooler's response. It's a homeschooler's response, but ANY
hours a day spent doing a day's worth of schoolwork is a school-based answer.

<<hopefully he'll have changed his priorities by fall and forgotten about all
that and won't resent homeschooling. Right now he resents the very mention
of it.>>

This is not a signpost on the road to success and family happiness.

<<Well, if I were doing what *he* wants to do I'd be keeping him there
forever. >>

That means you won't be doing what he wants by homeschooling either, and any
lack of success shouldn't be blamed on the homeschooling.

He might miss his friends. Deciding in advance that parents can prevent the
missing of friends (or more likely missing the circumstances of seeing the
kids daily in a neutral place (not his home, not their home) might be
indicative of a lack of understanding of what he's liking about these friends
and that school.

Some of the problems of school have to do with the powerlessness of the kids.
Sometimes homeschooled kids are put in a situation where they are powerless
too, and parents just can't understand why the problems continue. The
powerlessness remained.

Homeschooling works best when parents and children all WANT it.
School will work best when a child really wants it.

Sandra

Nicki Clark

<< Deciding in advance that parents can prevent the
missing of friends (or more likely missing the circumstances of seeing the
kids daily in a neutral place (not his home, not their home) might be
indicative of a lack of understanding of what he's liking about these
friends
and that school.>>

I *think* I understand. He misses playing soccer three times a day. That is
what he says. That is what he claims to like best about school.

I should also point out, for clarity, that he doesn't NOT like being at
home. He has NEVER complained about the days that I keep him home to attend
various homeschooling functions. He has, on many occasions, feigned illness
and later said that he just wanted to stay home. The further into the school
year, the more often he is doing this. It's pretty obvious that he wants to
"have his cake and eat it too" and I am trying to find the best way to make
that possible. Or, I guess I should say, I am trying to find the best way to
homeschool and make that possible.

My desire to keep him home over the summer in the hopes that he will shift
needs is based on instinct - not necessarily some derived logic. I feel he
is "on the fence" and the best way to make the leap is to try it. He does
not like the *idea* of homeschooling but has enjoyed making his own
schedule - staying home when he wants, going when he wants, joining the
homeschooling group but still playing soccer three times a day. I would love
to try to simulate what he likes most at home over the summer and hopefully
he will just want to continue that.

<< The
powerlessness remained.>>

I totally get that. I, myself, am very much on the fence however about what
areas he should have some say in and what areas are just adult decisions.
There are things I simply won't let him do (and I realize others are ok
letting their children experiment) and I haven't yet decided if choosing his
educational route at the age of 6 is one of those things. At one point it
felt appropriate to include him in the decision. Some days it seems like the
biggest mistake of my life...like maybe he needs me to just take control and
be the adult and make the choices and take a load off his back. I don't want
him to feel powerless but I also don't want to overwhelm him with options
that he can't possibly grasp the meaning of (long AND short term).

Nicki

Jenni Dreams

--- SandraDodd@... wrote:
He might miss his friends. Deciding in advance that
parents can prevent the
missing of friends (or more likely missing the
circumstances of seeing the
kids daily in a neutral place (not his home, not their
home) might be
indicative of a lack of understanding of what he's
liking about these friends
and that school.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Exactly. We've just 'experienced' my unschooled girls
being with cousins who are in public school. While my
kids want and know how to play with other kids of
various ages and interests, the public schooled kids
are happy for the time that nobody is telling them
what to do and they prefer to veg out in front of the
tube rather than enjoy the company of what I consider
"real" friends (as opposed to a same-aged person
sitting next to them all day but not socializing!).
When you think about it, school isn't a social
gathering place where one can get to know other kids
very well. Social skills learned there are extremely
limited and controlled. I'd much prefer the
unschooling way of having time to get to know yourself
as well as times (albeit less of it) getting together
with friends.


=====
JenniD.

Jeanmarie Shingleton

> From: "Nicki Clark" <nicki@...>
>
>I *think* I understand. He misses playing soccer three times a day. That is
>what he says. That is what he claims to like best about school.
>
>It's pretty obvious that he wants to "have his cake and eat it too" and I
>am trying to find the best way to make that possible. Or, I guess I should
>say, I am trying to find the best way to homeschool and make that
>possible.<<

Nicki,

One option we have here in Utah is called dual-enrollment. Mostly this is
used in the high-school level for those children who want to take upper
level math and science courses or want to get in on the optional classes of
art and drama, etc. However, I do know of some parents with children in
elementary school who work with the teachers and their child goes 1-3 days a
week - afternoons only (that's the time of day the art, science and "fun"
classes are taught). This might be one way to let him have his cake and eat
it too!

Just a suggestion,
Jeanmarie
_________________________________________________________________
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Tracy Oldfield

Nicki,

One option we have here in Utah is called dual-
enrollment. Mostly this is 
used in the high-school level for those children who
want to take upper 
level math and science courses or want to get in on the
optional classes of 
art and drama, etc. However, I do know of some parents
with children in 
elementary school who work with the teachers and their
child goes 1-3 days a 
week - afternoons only (that's the time of day the art,
science and "fun" 
classes are taught). This might be one way to let him
have his cake and eat 
it too!

Just a suggestion,
Jeanmarie

Over here some children 'flexi-school' (which, like
playgroup means something slightly different over here
to there, I think!) It's at the discretion of the
teachers, 'authorised absence' is the official term. I
know of two families around here who've used it. The
amount of time a child spends in school is negotiated,
but the child registered with a state school has to
stay up-to-date with the National Curriculum (though
this isn't as hard as it sounds.)

Tracy