DiamondAir

I haven't read "Protecting the Gift" yet, but I've heard so many good things
about it, it's on my "must read" list. As a child in a small semi-rural
Oregon town (<2000 people), we had pretty much unlimited freedom. Sometimes
I'm surprised that we didn't really get hurt - not by kidnappers or child
molesters but just because we were in dangerous places with no adult
supervision - old mine shafts, old wells, etc. were all over the places that
we played. One of the mine shafts that we played in collapsed (fortunately
not while anyone was in it). But I digress.... one of our goals for moving
here was to be in a community where we will eventually feel safe with our
children having freedom. Living here, we often see kids walking or riding
their bicycles alone or in groups, and I like seeing that. Our own
neighborhood is very community-like and people know and watch out for
others.

The things we do that I think will help our children out the most to keep
them safe...

1) We respect our own boundaries, so we teach respect. Even with my (18
m.o.) daughter, I will politely say "I don't want you to touch me there,
that's private, that makes me uncomfortable". Or if DH and I are argueing
and it gets a little too heated, I will say "I don't like the way you're
talking to me, I don't want to be around that right now" and I'll walk into
another room. Showing our kids how to have self-respect, and politely but
firmly deal with others crossing our boundaries is a good first step

2) We respect our children and their bodies. If they don't want to be
hugged, kissed, tickled, rough-housed, we don't do it. We respect their "no"
and we are advocates for them with others until they're old enough to do it
themselves. Even with our own relatives, we have had to occasionally say
"Mom, Mackenzie is saying he doesn't want to be kissed and I'd like you to
respect that". My son is naturally very protective of his body. Even when he
was 2, and I was going to the YMCA, the nursery workers there got a bit
peeved that he wouldn't let them change his diaper. I just told them
"Respect his wishes, you can call me at anytime to change him if it's
necessary. I don't mind at all". Personally, I'm glad that even at such a
young age, he was adamant about his body limits. My daughter on the other
hand would probably walk off contentedly hand-in-hand with a stranger and
only miss me when it was "nummy" time :-).

3) We always let them know that they can tell us anything, and they will not
be blamed, shamed, or punished. This is something a child can only learn
after years of consistent behavior from the parents.

4) We are with them, or people we trust are with them at all times. This
means that they're never left alone with even many of our close family
members. They do go to the nursery at our gym, but it has glass windows and
I can observe them anytime I wish during my workout.

So they know from example and verbalizing that they can respect their
bodies, that we will respect their bodies, that they can tell others to
respect their bodies, and that we will be advocates for them to others about
their own limits. As far as trusting us, we have always given them the
message that they can trust us implicitly. I've thought a lot about what
someone posted this week about telling their kids to go to someone else if
they felt their own parents weren't treating them right. That was great food
for thought and discussion. I think for us, that wouldn't be the right thing
to do (though I respect that it may be for others). We put in a lot of work
preparing to be parents (not that you're ever fully prepared, LOL) and both
my husband and I feel that if didn't trust ourselves to always do the right
thing for our kids (to the best of our knowledge) then we would not have
made the decision to have kids. In fact, for years I didn't want to have
kids because I wasn't in that place in my head where I thought I would be a
good parent. So we came to parenthood later than some (though earlier than
many, esp. these days), but fully trusting in ourselves to be good and just
parents. If we ever knew that we were hurting our kids, we would seek help
ourselves, I know this. I feel strongly that the initial parent-child
attachment is the bond of safety from which all other good relationships
spring. I don't want them to lose the magic of being able to totally rely on
that bond without question. At some point in their lives they will have to
have more complex and questioning relationships (with us as well as with
others), but the ultimate innocence, trust, and intimacy that they bring to
this initial one is unique, I feel I don't want to change that.

Blue Skies!
-Robin-
Mom to Mackenzie (8/28/96) "Asa is running her voice out"
and Asa (10/5/99) Who sings "the alien song"
http://www.geocities.com/the_clevengers Flying Clevenger Family