DiamondAir

> From: "Nicoletta Manns" <snmanns@...>
> Aletha Solter says that even young babies experience stress, toddlers
> even more so. I don't think we can argue that point. She goes on to
> say, however, and this is where some people cringe, that
> babies/toddlers/children need to be allowed to cry and rage to
> release these stresses from their bodies. She says that babies who
> have not released stress may use nursing as a "control pattern" to
> suppress their upset feelings and that it can lead to further control
> pattern later in life, in other words: addictive behaviours like
> smoking, drinking, over eating, watching too much TV, being on the
> computer too much :-) etc....


I do agree that as people in our culture we seem to be very concerned with
keeping kids quiet and not allowing them to express their feelings. I really
like the "How to talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk"
series of books for this reason, they talk about naming the child's feelings
without judging and I've found that works really well for my kids (even my
baby). If they are upset I will help them to understand what is happening
without putting a judgement on it, e.g. "You sound very angry", or "that
made you sad and made you feel like really crying". OTOH, we also do set
limits on where/when this is acceptable. It is not acceptable to rage/cry in
a movie theatre for instance where others are trying to hear the movie.

OTOH, I think that nursing is a fine comfort and that babies/toddlers/kids
will take exactly as much of it as they personally need. My son is a big
comfort nurser and that's how he tends to want to resolve things, nurse and
snuggle. My daughter is not, she would rather rage or bang her head against
a wall to show me how mad she is. Only when she's truly over the rage or
sadness will she nurse or even let me touch her. They each know what they
need in order to deal with overwhelming emotions, I just need to trust in
that. I don't believe that nursing leads to addictive behavior, indeed I
feel the opposite. A need unmet shows up over and over in life. My
generation (born in the 60's) is probably the least-breastfed generation of
Americans ever, and we have huge problems with addictive behavior. Only 20%
of us were breastfed at all, most of them for only a few weeks, yet as a
generation we seem to have overhwhelming addictions to alcohol, cigarettes,
gambling, drugs, shopping, watching TV, etc.. If Solter's theory were
correct, I would think you would find the opposite. My own anecdotal
evidence suggests that Solter's theory is backwards. My husband and one of
his brothers were the only ones breastfed out of 7 children, and the only
ones without any addictions (the others are alcoholic, obese, addicted to
gambling, etc.). I was breastfed for over a year and suffer no addictions
that I know of. I only know a few adults who were nursed for longer than a
year or two, but all of them seem to be remarkably well-adjusted
individuals. So, although I know this is purely anecdotal, I find it hard to
believe these theories, especially coupled with the societal evidence I
mentioned before.

I find that following your baby's lead with how they need to resolve things
(whether that is a need for nursing, holding, cuddling, or just standing
there in loving silence while they get it all out) is probably a better
guide than anything, and that leads directly into following your child's
lead with learning, and them being able to follow their own lead with
regards to life.


Blue Skies!
-Robin-
Mom to Mackenzie (8/28/96) "What if there was no gravity, but we all held on
to something really tight??"
and Asa (10/5/99) who says "Odwalla!" (her favorite treat at the store)
http://www.geocities.com/the_clevengers Flying Clevenger Family

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In a message dated 12/20/00 4:52:13 PM Pacific Standard Time,
diamondair@... writes:

<< If Solter's theory were
correct, I would think you would find the opposite. My own anecdotal
evidence suggests that Solter's theory is backwards. >>

I find that each approach has it's merits and perhaps all of them go a
bit too far with their theories. Ultimately we need to be authentic with our
children and tune in to each unique child and each situation. I too am needy
and have addictive tendencies. I know that part of the reason is not having
been nursed or nurtured enough as a baby. On the other hand I found Solter's
approach to be useful when my son was an older baby. I also do my best to
communicate clearly and learned a lot from "How to Talk...."
As for expressing anger there's a time and a necessity for self
expression and release of emotion. There's also a need to learn self
containment. A lot of this is, I think, developmental. We focused a lot on
learning about feelings and their expression when the kids were little. As
they got older we found we needed to learn more about self containment. Still
it's all pretty much out in the open around here;>)