Re: [Unschooling-dotcom]hitting/spanking
[email protected]
Okay, I have been lurking on this thread for since the beginning....because I
did not want to be the one starting a flaming war...however, now that it is
in progress, I will jump right in too....THESE ARE MY OPINIONS!
Carollyn,
I am not saying you are abusing your child. What a terrify situation for
you! In that moment, I would of had to really restrain myself from using
spanking/hitting to show how very dangerous that situation was.....
Having said that, I feel that children do not think like adults in many ways.
As healthy well adjusted big people, if someone hits us then we feel we have
been wronged. Even if it was because we did something that put ourselves in
danger. I would feel there were more appropiate ways to express the severity
of the situation. I have the knowledge of life to think this way.
Unfortuately, children do not have that advantage of experience, yet.
As children, parents are the "almighty". Parents, are who children want to
become like....if my parents hit then hitting is okay (doesn't matter the
logic behind it), if my parents swear then swearing is okay (no matter what
the situation is), if my parent explain very scary situations (using the
flood of emotions that we parents feel, (like anger, fear, relief accompanied
with tears of fear and strong severe tone of voice) when our children do
these things ) then that is appropiate too. I don't feel they like they say
"oooh, I must have DONE something very bad because Mommy hit/spanked me" The
way children turn things around (because of their lack of life experiences)
they say "I am very bad because I wanted to do _______. Mommy saids so. So
I deserve to be hit" No matter how many times, I explain after the facts
that led up to the hitting/spanking, this is still what children believe,
even though this is not the case....the seed is still planted for later in
life incidents...
Has my daughter been hit/spanked? sadly yes....does that make it
right?.....NO WAY, no matter what the situtions were.....my dh and I are
working towards new parenting tools to use (ecspecially in these type of
scary and important situations that require severity of some sort) We
explain to Ali that "NO one has the right to hurt your body, and that
includes mommy spanking/hitting. Please forgive me." then we go on to talk
about the situation leading to the spanking/hitting and more appropiate ways
to express our feelings and really let the emotions flow, including me saying
"I feel so angry, I want to hit you. I need to be away from you for awhile."
I have seen my dd(3) tell her little brother and daddy, these very words. I
have also heard her tell Matthew (1), "you don't have the right to hurt my
body. I am going away from you"
One way that children react like adults is they get angry and focus on the
hitting rather than the situation that lead up to it....
anyway, hope this helps. This is what works in our family...
Julie
did not want to be the one starting a flaming war...however, now that it is
in progress, I will jump right in too....THESE ARE MY OPINIONS!
Carollyn,
I am not saying you are abusing your child. What a terrify situation for
you! In that moment, I would of had to really restrain myself from using
spanking/hitting to show how very dangerous that situation was.....
Having said that, I feel that children do not think like adults in many ways.
As healthy well adjusted big people, if someone hits us then we feel we have
been wronged. Even if it was because we did something that put ourselves in
danger. I would feel there were more appropiate ways to express the severity
of the situation. I have the knowledge of life to think this way.
Unfortuately, children do not have that advantage of experience, yet.
As children, parents are the "almighty". Parents, are who children want to
become like....if my parents hit then hitting is okay (doesn't matter the
logic behind it), if my parents swear then swearing is okay (no matter what
the situation is), if my parent explain very scary situations (using the
flood of emotions that we parents feel, (like anger, fear, relief accompanied
with tears of fear and strong severe tone of voice) when our children do
these things ) then that is appropiate too. I don't feel they like they say
"oooh, I must have DONE something very bad because Mommy hit/spanked me" The
way children turn things around (because of their lack of life experiences)
they say "I am very bad because I wanted to do _______. Mommy saids so. So
I deserve to be hit" No matter how many times, I explain after the facts
that led up to the hitting/spanking, this is still what children believe,
even though this is not the case....the seed is still planted for later in
life incidents...
Has my daughter been hit/spanked? sadly yes....does that make it
right?.....NO WAY, no matter what the situtions were.....my dh and I are
working towards new parenting tools to use (ecspecially in these type of
scary and important situations that require severity of some sort) We
explain to Ali that "NO one has the right to hurt your body, and that
includes mommy spanking/hitting. Please forgive me." then we go on to talk
about the situation leading to the spanking/hitting and more appropiate ways
to express our feelings and really let the emotions flow, including me saying
"I feel so angry, I want to hit you. I need to be away from you for awhile."
I have seen my dd(3) tell her little brother and daddy, these very words. I
have also heard her tell Matthew (1), "you don't have the right to hurt my
body. I am going away from you"
One way that children react like adults is they get angry and focus on the
hitting rather than the situation that lead up to it....
anyway, hope this helps. This is what works in our family...
Julie
Corallyn
Julie, thank you for your open and honest opinion. I can understand
your veiwpoint and on some levels I agree. There were a million
different ways that I could have handled the situation and this is
the way I chose to handle it. Due to the place I was in at that of my
life and what I knew of my child at that time this is the way I felt
he would best understand the importance of the situation. I am not
saying that every person needs to handle this situation the same.
Every parent has the right to decide what is best for thier child. To
be honest if I were in the same exact situation knowing what I knew
then I would make the same decission again. However, every child is
different and thus every situation is different and people's
knowledge changes over time. Put in the situation today I might
handle it differently. I can't really say. We don't spend much time
in the mall these days due to the inconvenience not the scare of him
running off. It isn't as big a concern of mine now knowing that my
children know not to run off and are pretty well behaved and
extremely helpful when it comes to doing the shopping. And when I say
they don't runn off I mean that they don't disappear for almost 30
mins in a packed store with no thought as to where their mother is.
They do tend to wander on down the isle of Walmart and look at the
merchandise. This is completely different from what he did in the
mall that day. Anyway, like I said before the problem I have with
replies to my inicial post is the accuations that seem to be implied
not the opinions themselves. Corallyn
your veiwpoint and on some levels I agree. There were a million
different ways that I could have handled the situation and this is
the way I chose to handle it. Due to the place I was in at that of my
life and what I knew of my child at that time this is the way I felt
he would best understand the importance of the situation. I am not
saying that every person needs to handle this situation the same.
Every parent has the right to decide what is best for thier child. To
be honest if I were in the same exact situation knowing what I knew
then I would make the same decission again. However, every child is
different and thus every situation is different and people's
knowledge changes over time. Put in the situation today I might
handle it differently. I can't really say. We don't spend much time
in the mall these days due to the inconvenience not the scare of him
running off. It isn't as big a concern of mine now knowing that my
children know not to run off and are pretty well behaved and
extremely helpful when it comes to doing the shopping. And when I say
they don't runn off I mean that they don't disappear for almost 30
mins in a packed store with no thought as to where their mother is.
They do tend to wander on down the isle of Walmart and look at the
merchandise. This is completely different from what he did in the
mall that day. Anyway, like I said before the problem I have with
replies to my inicial post is the accuations that seem to be implied
not the opinions themselves. Corallyn
--- In [email protected], Jaam1224@c... wrote:
> Okay, I have been lurking on this thread for since the
beginning....because I did not want to be the one starting a flaming
war...however, now that it is in progress, I will jump right in
too....THESE ARE MY OPINIONS!
>
> Carollyn,
> I am not saying you are abusing your child. What a terrify
situation for you! In that moment, I would of had to really restrain
myself from using spanking/hitting to show how very dangerous that
situation was..... Having said that, I feel that children do not
think like adults in many ways. As healthy well adjusted big people,
if someone hits us then we feel we have been wronged. Even if it was
because we did something that put ourselves in danger. I would feel
there were more appropiate ways to express the severity of the
situation. I have the knowledge of life to think this way.
Unfortuately, children do not have that advantage of experience, yet.
As children, parents are the "almighty". Parents, are who children
want to become like....if my parents hit then hitting is okay
(doesn't matter the logic behind it), if my parents swear then
swearing is okay (no matter what the situation is), if my parent
explain very scary situations (using the flood of emotions that we
parents feel, (like anger, fear, relief accompanied with tears of
fear and strong severe tone of voice) when our children do these
things ) then that is appropiate too. I don't feel they like they
say "oooh, I must have DONE something very bad because Mommy
hit/spanked me" The way children turn things around (because of
their lack of life experiences) they say "I am very bad because I
wanted to do _______. Mommy saids so. So I deserve to be hit" No
matter how many times, I explain after the facts that led up to the
hitting/spanking, this is still what children believe, even though
this is not the case....the seed is still planted for later in life
incidents... Has my daughter been hit/spanked? sadly yes....does that
make it right?.....NO WAY, no matter what the situtions were.....my
dh and I are working towards new parenting tools to use (ecspecially
in these type of scary and important situations that require severity
of some sort) We explain to Ali that "NO one has the right to hurt
your body, and that includes mommy spanking/hitting. Please forgive
me." then we go on to talk about the situation leading to the
spanking/hitting and more appropiate ways to express our feelings and
really let the emotions flow, including me saying "I feel so angry, I
want to hit you. I need to be away from you for awhile." I have
seen my dd(3) tell her little brother and daddy, these very words. I
have also heard her tell Matthew (1), "you don't have the right to
hurt my body. I am going away from you" One way that children react
like adults is they get angry and focus on the hitting rather than
the situation that lead up to it....anyway, hope this helps. This is
what works in our family...
> Julie
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/3/2000 2:39:39 PM, hape2day@... writes:
<<Anyway, like I said before the problem I have with
replies to my inicial post is the accuations that seem to be implied
not the opinions themselves.>>
For the record, every spanking debate I have ever seen includes people
criticizing spanking as a method and people who spank (even occasionally)
feeling upset, as if they were personally reviled. In the heat of the
moment, it's hard to be aware of subtleties, like the actual pronouns used in
a sentence.
(And sometimes people do say "You spank? That's terrible". But I don't
think THIS debate has dipped down to that personal level yet. I can't speak
for any private flames that might have been mailed.)
Betsy
<<Anyway, like I said before the problem I have with
replies to my inicial post is the accuations that seem to be implied
not the opinions themselves.>>
For the record, every spanking debate I have ever seen includes people
criticizing spanking as a method and people who spank (even occasionally)
feeling upset, as if they were personally reviled. In the heat of the
moment, it's hard to be aware of subtleties, like the actual pronouns used in
a sentence.
(And sometimes people do say "You spank? That's terrible". But I don't
think THIS debate has dipped down to that personal level yet. I can't speak
for any private flames that might have been mailed.)
Betsy