alternatives to punishment, time-out, principles of aware parenting (quite long)
Shannon Nicoletta Manns
Corallyn and all,
Please, please, please read Aletha Solter's work of 'Aware Parenting'. Her
web site is www.awareparenting.com.
Personally I cringe every time someone talks about how they think there is a
place for spanking.
Following are some samples of Aletha's work. I am sorry, if this is too long
for some of you, but I feel so passionate about this. I just can't help
myself; I have to get this information out there.
Please don't hit children! I may be overstepping some boundaries here, but I
happen to believe that all children are all adults' responsibility, not just
the parents'; now more so than ever, because since the decline of villages
and the extended family, couples are pretty much raising children in
isolation, even if they have some sort of "village" around them. I believe
one of the purposes for having a village for raising a child is to prevent
abuse, such as spanking, by giving parents the option for taking a break
when things get too intense and overwhelming.
That's just me and my personal opinion. Take it or leave it.
Nicoletta
TWENTY ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT
1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS. ex: Give your child something to play with
while waiting in line.
2. GIVE INFORMATION & REASONS. ex: If your child colours on the wall,
explain why we colour on paper only.
3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS. Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings.
ex: If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to express his anger
and jealousy in harmless ways.
4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. This is sometimes easier than trying to change
the child. ex: If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen
cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES, and redirect your child's behaviour. ex: If
you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, don't just
say no. Tell her where she can build one.
6. DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BEHAVE. ex. If your child pulls a
cat's tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words alone.
7. GIVE CHOICES RATHER THAN COMMANDS. Decision-making empowers children;
commands invite a power struggle. ex: 'Would you like to brush your teeth
before or after putting your pyjamas on?"
8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS. ex: "I'll let you skip brushing your teeth
tonight because you are so tired.'
9. PROVIDE FOR A PERIOD OF PREPARATION. ex: If you are counting on company
for dinner, tell your child how you expect him to behave. Be specific.
Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult situations.
10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate). Don't rescue too
much. ex: A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find
them still wet the next day.
11. USE ACTIONS WHEN NECESSARY. If your child insists on running across
streets on your walks together, hold his hand tightly (while explaining the
dangers).
12. GIVE 'I-MESSAGES'. ex: "I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the
living room.'
13. HOLD YOUR CHILD. This expression of love enables children who are acting
aggressively or obnoxiously to channel their pent-up feelings into healing
tears.
14. REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THE SITUATION, AND STAY WITH HER until she is
ready to act appropriately. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings,
and moving toward conflict- resolution.
15. BE PLAYFUL. Turn the situation into a game. ex: 'Let's pretend we're the
seven dwarfs while we clean up.'
16. DO IT TOGETHER. ex: If your child refuses to take a bath, offer to take
one with her.
17. MAKE A DEAL, NEGOTIATE. ex: If you're ready to leave the playground and
your child is having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may
go down the slide before leaving.
18. DEFUSE THE SITUATION WITH LAUGHTER. ex: If your child is mad at you,
invite him to express his anger in a playful pillow fight with you. Play
your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and
feelings of powerlessness.
19. REVISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Young children are naturally loud, curious,
messy, wilful, impatient, demanding, forgetful, fearful, self-centred, and
full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.
20. TAKE A PARENTAL TIME-OUT. Leave the room, and do whatever is needed to
regain your sense of composure and good judgement (ex: cry, call a friend,
meditate, take a shower, ad a poem).
1992 by Aletha Solter. Reprinted with permission from Modum* magazine, Vol.
65, 1992 (with minor changes)
The Disadvantages of Time-Out
by
Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
For more information about alternatives to time-out, please see Aletha
Solter's books:The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, and Tears
and Tantrums
Copyright © 1992, 2000 by Aletha Solter. No part of this article may be
reproduced, electronically or mechanically, without written permission from
the author. This article was originally published in Mothering magazine in
the Fall issue of 1992. It was revised and updated in 2000.
As concerned parents and educators have become aware of the dangers of
physical punishment, time-out has emerged as a popular disciplinary tool.
Misbehaving children are told to sit quietly on a chair or go to their rooms
to calm down and think about what they did. After a period of time, they are
allowed to come back to the group or join the family, provided that they act
"appropriately." The designated period of time is usually one minute per
year of age, and children who leave the chair or room before their time is
up are told to return for the full allotment once again. Some books
recommend an added rule of silence, and suggest that the timing be repeated
if the silence is broken. In either case, parents who use this method are
promised quick and easy results.
Time-out stems from the behaviorist movement based on the work of
psychologist B.F. Skinner. His theory of operant conditioning asserts that
children will behave in certain ways if they receive rewards for doing so
("positive reinforcement"), and that undesirable behavior can be diminished
by withholding the rewards or by invoking pain (both of which are termed
"punishment"). Skinner himself believed that all forms of punishment were
unsuitable means of controlling children's behavior [1]. Even so, while
spanking is on the wane in the United States, the withholding of love and
attention has persisted as an acceptable means of control.
Beneath the Surface
Using time-out appears less injurious than hitting, spanking, or yelling,
because it does not involve physical or verbal abuse. It is therefore
thought to represent some degree of progress in our continual striving to
make this world a better place for children. According to many educators and
psychologists, however, time-out is not as innocent as it seems and is,
moreover, an emotionally harmful way to discipline children. In fact, the
National Association for the Education of Young Children includes the use of
time-out in a list of harmful disciplinary measures, along with physical
punishment, criticizing, blaming, and shaming [2].
Beneath the surface, time-out is an authoritarian approach and, as such, can
work only among children trained to comply with the power and authority of
adults. Children trained to conform to such measures know that the
consequences of disobeying are worse than adhering to the injunctions.
Children who have not been brought up in an authoritarian environment will
most likely refuse to go to another room or sit in a chair.
How does a child learn about the consequences of disobedience? Proponents of
time-out advise parents to remove all privileges such as TV, toys, music,
and so forth until compliance has been achieved. Always there is the threat
of deprivation or further penalty. In some families there may even be an
unspoken threat of violence. Although the method seems innocent enough, it
requires a past history of punitive authoritarianism to produce children
docile enough to obey.
Proponents claim that time-out is not a form of punishment. They use terms
such as "consequence," "renewal time," or "down time" to make the approach
sound benign. The term "time-out" itself has pleasant connotations of a
sports team taking a well-deserved break. Regrettably, this non-threatening
terminology has deluded parents into thinking that the approach is harmless.
From a child's point of view, time-out is definitely experienced as
punishment. Who wants to be isolated from the group and totally ignored? It
is quite likely that children view this form of isolation as abandonment and
loss of love. And while parents are often careful to provide reassurances of
their love and to distinguish between the child and the unruly behavior ("I
love you, but you need to go to your room for five minutes because what you
did is not acceptable"), their actions speak much louder than their words.
Children under the age of seven simply do not have the capability to process
words in the same way that adults do [3]. Concrete experience and
perceptions of reality impact more strongly than language. Being isolated
and ignored is interpreted as "Nobody wants to be with me right now.
Therefore I must be bad and unlovable," and no loving words, however well
intended, can override this feeling of rejection.
Nothing is more frightening for a child than the withdrawal of love. Along
with the fear come insecurity, anxiety, confusion, anger, resentment, and
low self-esteem. Time-out can also cause embarrassment and humiliation,
especially when used in the presence of other children. In the child's realm
of experience, time-out is nothing short of punitive.
Painful feelings are one consideration; the information conveyed about human
relationships is another. What message are we giving our children in
demonstrating that love and attention are commodities to be doled out or
withheld for purposes of controlling others? Is this a conflict-resolution
skill that will be useful to them? How will it influence their ability to
interact with friends, and some day with a spouse and coworkers? Wouldn't it
be better to teach children useful conflict-resolution skills right from the
start, rather than convey the message that the only way to solve conflicts
is to cut off communication?
Although the trouble with time-out is in large part invisible, one aspect is
glaringly obvious: at some point it stops working. Proponents of the
approach admit that it is effective only up until the age of about nine. Can
you imagine telling your teenager, who may be taller than you, to sit in a
chair while you ignore him? Teens who have any sense of their own self-worth
will laugh at such a command. The adolescent version of time-out is the
practice of "grounding" teenagers by not allowing them to go out on the
weekends or in the evenings. But this method only leads to resentment,
resistance, and sometimes even lying.
Indeed, any method based on power and authoritarianism must eventually be
abandoned, simply because parents run out of power [4]. Parents of teens
face an entirely new set of difficulties when their tried-and-true methods
of control prove utterly ineffective. Parents who adopt non-authoritarian
methods right from the start, on the other hand, are able to prevent the
power struggles, as well as the discipline problems, that so often come with
adolescence.
Hidden Consequences
The use of time-out leads to a host of hidden problems. For one, when we
enforce a time-out for children who are crying or raging, they get the
message that we do not want to be around them when they are upset. Certain
that we will not listen, they may soon stop bringing their problems to us.
Furthermore, such children may learn to suppress their feelings, especially
if we insist on time-out in silence. Have we forgotten that crying and
raging are healthy tension-release mechanisms that help relieve sadness and
frustration? [5,6,7] Have we ignored the research showing that stress
hormones are excreted through tears, thereby possibly reducing the effects
of stress and restoring the body's chemical balance? [8]. In teaching our
children to suppress their tears, we may actually be increasing their
susceptibility to a variety of emotional and physical imbalances. Swiss
psychotherapist Dr. Alice Miller states that one of the most devastating
things we do to children is deny them the freedom to express their anger and
suffering [9].
An additional problem is that the use of time-out does not address the
underlying cause of the "inappropriate behavior." Children act in specific
ways for good reasons, even though the youngsters themselves may not be
aware of them. Most undesirable behavior can be explained by one of three
factors: the child is attempting to fulfill a legitimate need, the child
lacks information or is too young to understand, or the child is feeling
upset (frustrated, sad, scared, confused, jealous, or insecure) [10]. When
we try to change a behavior without addressing these feelings and needs, we
do not help our children very much at all. Why? Because the underlying
problem will still be there. Teaching children to conform to our wishes does
not resolve the deeper issues.
For example, siblings who are repeatedly separated and sent to their rooms
when they fight may eventually learn to stop fighting in front of their
parents. Their unresolved feelings of jealousy and hatred, however, may come
to expression in more devious ways, or they may carry their resentments into
adulthood. Curtailing the symptoms of a problem does not solve the problem.
Parents have been led to believe that children will use time-out to think
about what they did and regain some modicum of self-control. In reality,
when children act in inappropriate, aggressive, or obnoxious ways, they are
often harboring such strong pent-up feelings that they are unable to think
clearly about their actions. Far more helpful than isolation is an attentive
listener who can encourage the expression of honest feelings. The healthy
release provided by talking, crying, or raging may even prevent the
recurrence of unwanted behavior.
Holding children who hit or bite is much more effective than isolating them.
Firm but loving holding creates safety and warmth while protecting other
children from getting hurt. It also invites the expression of genuine
feelings (through crying and raging) while reassuring the child of the
indestructible parent-child bond. [10]. It is paradoxical, yet true:
children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving
of it. Telling a violent child to sit quietly rarely accomplishes anything
constructive and only further contributes to the child's pent-up anger and
feelings of alienation.
It is not necessary to isolate children and withdraw our love to teach them
how to "behave". In fact, it is entirely possible to help children learn to
be cooperative and decent members of society without ever issuing
punishments, rewards, or artificial consequences of any kind. No quick and
easy method will solve every conflict. Instead, we need to treat each
situation as the unique challenge that it is, and try to be flexible and
creative, all the while giving our children the love and respect they
deserve.
Notes
1. Robert D. Nye, "B.F. Skinner and Radical Behaviorism," Three Views of Man
(Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc., 1975), p. 51
2. "Avoiding 'Me Against You' Discipline," Young Children, Vol. 44, No. 1.
(Washington DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children,
November 1988), p. 27.
3. Jerome S. Bruner, "The Course of Cognitive Growth," American Psychologist
19 (1964), pp. 1-15.
4. Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training (New American Library,
1975), pp. 170-171.
5. Aletha J. Solter, The Aware Baby (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press, 1984),
pp. 40-41.
6. Aletha J. Solter, Helping Young Children Flourish (Goleta, CA: Shining
Star Press, 1989), pp. 5-9.
7. Aletha J. Solter, Tears and Tantrums (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press,
1998), pp. 13-32.
8. William H. Frey II, & Muriel Langseth, Crying: the Mystery of Tears
(Minneapolis: Winston Press, 1985), pp. 45-58.
9. Alice Miller, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the
Roots of Violence, (New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux), pp. 106, 259.
10. Martha G. Welch, Holding Time (New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1988),
pp. 42-43
PRINCIPLES OF AWARE PARENTING
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
1. Aware parents fill their children's needs for physical contact (holding,
cuddling, etc.). They do not worry about "spoiling' their children.
2. Aware parents accept the entire range of emotions and listen
non-judgmentally to children's expressions of feelings. They realize that
they cannot prevent all sadness, anger, or frustration, and they do not
attempt to stop children from releasing painful feelings through crying or
raging.
3. Aware parents offer age-appropriate stimulation, and trust children to
learn at their own rate and in their own way. They do not try to hurry
children on to new stages of development.
4. Aware parents offer encouragement for learning new skills, but do not
judge children's performance with either criticism or evaluative praise.
5. Aware parents spend time each day giving full attention to their
children. During this special, quality time, they observe, listen, respond,
and join in their children's play (if invited to do so), but they do not
direct the children's activities.
6. Aware parents protect children from danger, but they do not attempt to
prevent all of their children's mistakes, problems, or conflicts.
7. Aware parents encourage children to be autonomous problem-solvers and
help only when needed. They do not solve their children's problems for them.
8. Aware parents set reasonable boundaries and limits, gently guide children
towards acceptable behavior, and consider everyone's needs when solving
conflicts. They do not control children with bribes, rewards, threats, or
punishments of any kind.
9. Aware parents take care of themselves and are honest about their own
needs and feelings. They do not sacrifice themselves to the point of
becoming resentful.
10. Aware parents strive to be aware of the ways in which their own
childhood pain interferes with their ability to be good parents, and they
make conscious efforts to avoid passing on their own hurts to their
children.
This philosophy is further developed in Aletha Solter's books, The Aware
Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, and Tears and Tantrums (available
from Shining Star Press, P.O. Box 206, Goleta, CA 93116, U.S.A.). Copyright
0 1994 by Aletha Solter
Please, please, please read Aletha Solter's work of 'Aware Parenting'. Her
web site is www.awareparenting.com.
Personally I cringe every time someone talks about how they think there is a
place for spanking.
Following are some samples of Aletha's work. I am sorry, if this is too long
for some of you, but I feel so passionate about this. I just can't help
myself; I have to get this information out there.
Please don't hit children! I may be overstepping some boundaries here, but I
happen to believe that all children are all adults' responsibility, not just
the parents'; now more so than ever, because since the decline of villages
and the extended family, couples are pretty much raising children in
isolation, even if they have some sort of "village" around them. I believe
one of the purposes for having a village for raising a child is to prevent
abuse, such as spanking, by giving parents the option for taking a break
when things get too intense and overwhelming.
That's just me and my personal opinion. Take it or leave it.
Nicoletta
TWENTY ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT
1. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS. ex: Give your child something to play with
while waiting in line.
2. GIVE INFORMATION & REASONS. ex: If your child colours on the wall,
explain why we colour on paper only.
3. LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS. Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings.
ex: If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to express his anger
and jealousy in harmless ways.
4. CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. This is sometimes easier than trying to change
the child. ex: If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen
cupboards, put a childproof lock on them.
5. FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES, and redirect your child's behaviour. ex: If
you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, don't just
say no. Tell her where she can build one.
6. DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BEHAVE. ex. If your child pulls a
cat's tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words alone.
7. GIVE CHOICES RATHER THAN COMMANDS. Decision-making empowers children;
commands invite a power struggle. ex: 'Would you like to brush your teeth
before or after putting your pyjamas on?"
8. MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS. ex: "I'll let you skip brushing your teeth
tonight because you are so tired.'
9. PROVIDE FOR A PERIOD OF PREPARATION. ex: If you are counting on company
for dinner, tell your child how you expect him to behave. Be specific.
Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult situations.
10. LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate). Don't rescue too
much. ex: A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find
them still wet the next day.
11. USE ACTIONS WHEN NECESSARY. If your child insists on running across
streets on your walks together, hold his hand tightly (while explaining the
dangers).
12. GIVE 'I-MESSAGES'. ex: "I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the
living room.'
13. HOLD YOUR CHILD. This expression of love enables children who are acting
aggressively or obnoxiously to channel their pent-up feelings into healing
tears.
14. REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THE SITUATION, AND STAY WITH HER until she is
ready to act appropriately. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings,
and moving toward conflict- resolution.
15. BE PLAYFUL. Turn the situation into a game. ex: 'Let's pretend we're the
seven dwarfs while we clean up.'
16. DO IT TOGETHER. ex: If your child refuses to take a bath, offer to take
one with her.
17. MAKE A DEAL, NEGOTIATE. ex: If you're ready to leave the playground and
your child is having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may
go down the slide before leaving.
18. DEFUSE THE SITUATION WITH LAUGHTER. ex: If your child is mad at you,
invite him to express his anger in a playful pillow fight with you. Play
your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and
feelings of powerlessness.
19. REVISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Young children are naturally loud, curious,
messy, wilful, impatient, demanding, forgetful, fearful, self-centred, and
full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.
20. TAKE A PARENTAL TIME-OUT. Leave the room, and do whatever is needed to
regain your sense of composure and good judgement (ex: cry, call a friend,
meditate, take a shower, ad a poem).
1992 by Aletha Solter. Reprinted with permission from Modum* magazine, Vol.
65, 1992 (with minor changes)
The Disadvantages of Time-Out
by
Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
For more information about alternatives to time-out, please see Aletha
Solter's books:The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, and Tears
and Tantrums
Copyright © 1992, 2000 by Aletha Solter. No part of this article may be
reproduced, electronically or mechanically, without written permission from
the author. This article was originally published in Mothering magazine in
the Fall issue of 1992. It was revised and updated in 2000.
As concerned parents and educators have become aware of the dangers of
physical punishment, time-out has emerged as a popular disciplinary tool.
Misbehaving children are told to sit quietly on a chair or go to their rooms
to calm down and think about what they did. After a period of time, they are
allowed to come back to the group or join the family, provided that they act
"appropriately." The designated period of time is usually one minute per
year of age, and children who leave the chair or room before their time is
up are told to return for the full allotment once again. Some books
recommend an added rule of silence, and suggest that the timing be repeated
if the silence is broken. In either case, parents who use this method are
promised quick and easy results.
Time-out stems from the behaviorist movement based on the work of
psychologist B.F. Skinner. His theory of operant conditioning asserts that
children will behave in certain ways if they receive rewards for doing so
("positive reinforcement"), and that undesirable behavior can be diminished
by withholding the rewards or by invoking pain (both of which are termed
"punishment"). Skinner himself believed that all forms of punishment were
unsuitable means of controlling children's behavior [1]. Even so, while
spanking is on the wane in the United States, the withholding of love and
attention has persisted as an acceptable means of control.
Beneath the Surface
Using time-out appears less injurious than hitting, spanking, or yelling,
because it does not involve physical or verbal abuse. It is therefore
thought to represent some degree of progress in our continual striving to
make this world a better place for children. According to many educators and
psychologists, however, time-out is not as innocent as it seems and is,
moreover, an emotionally harmful way to discipline children. In fact, the
National Association for the Education of Young Children includes the use of
time-out in a list of harmful disciplinary measures, along with physical
punishment, criticizing, blaming, and shaming [2].
Beneath the surface, time-out is an authoritarian approach and, as such, can
work only among children trained to comply with the power and authority of
adults. Children trained to conform to such measures know that the
consequences of disobeying are worse than adhering to the injunctions.
Children who have not been brought up in an authoritarian environment will
most likely refuse to go to another room or sit in a chair.
How does a child learn about the consequences of disobedience? Proponents of
time-out advise parents to remove all privileges such as TV, toys, music,
and so forth until compliance has been achieved. Always there is the threat
of deprivation or further penalty. In some families there may even be an
unspoken threat of violence. Although the method seems innocent enough, it
requires a past history of punitive authoritarianism to produce children
docile enough to obey.
Proponents claim that time-out is not a form of punishment. They use terms
such as "consequence," "renewal time," or "down time" to make the approach
sound benign. The term "time-out" itself has pleasant connotations of a
sports team taking a well-deserved break. Regrettably, this non-threatening
terminology has deluded parents into thinking that the approach is harmless.
From a child's point of view, time-out is definitely experienced as
punishment. Who wants to be isolated from the group and totally ignored? It
is quite likely that children view this form of isolation as abandonment and
loss of love. And while parents are often careful to provide reassurances of
their love and to distinguish between the child and the unruly behavior ("I
love you, but you need to go to your room for five minutes because what you
did is not acceptable"), their actions speak much louder than their words.
Children under the age of seven simply do not have the capability to process
words in the same way that adults do [3]. Concrete experience and
perceptions of reality impact more strongly than language. Being isolated
and ignored is interpreted as "Nobody wants to be with me right now.
Therefore I must be bad and unlovable," and no loving words, however well
intended, can override this feeling of rejection.
Nothing is more frightening for a child than the withdrawal of love. Along
with the fear come insecurity, anxiety, confusion, anger, resentment, and
low self-esteem. Time-out can also cause embarrassment and humiliation,
especially when used in the presence of other children. In the child's realm
of experience, time-out is nothing short of punitive.
Painful feelings are one consideration; the information conveyed about human
relationships is another. What message are we giving our children in
demonstrating that love and attention are commodities to be doled out or
withheld for purposes of controlling others? Is this a conflict-resolution
skill that will be useful to them? How will it influence their ability to
interact with friends, and some day with a spouse and coworkers? Wouldn't it
be better to teach children useful conflict-resolution skills right from the
start, rather than convey the message that the only way to solve conflicts
is to cut off communication?
Although the trouble with time-out is in large part invisible, one aspect is
glaringly obvious: at some point it stops working. Proponents of the
approach admit that it is effective only up until the age of about nine. Can
you imagine telling your teenager, who may be taller than you, to sit in a
chair while you ignore him? Teens who have any sense of their own self-worth
will laugh at such a command. The adolescent version of time-out is the
practice of "grounding" teenagers by not allowing them to go out on the
weekends or in the evenings. But this method only leads to resentment,
resistance, and sometimes even lying.
Indeed, any method based on power and authoritarianism must eventually be
abandoned, simply because parents run out of power [4]. Parents of teens
face an entirely new set of difficulties when their tried-and-true methods
of control prove utterly ineffective. Parents who adopt non-authoritarian
methods right from the start, on the other hand, are able to prevent the
power struggles, as well as the discipline problems, that so often come with
adolescence.
Hidden Consequences
The use of time-out leads to a host of hidden problems. For one, when we
enforce a time-out for children who are crying or raging, they get the
message that we do not want to be around them when they are upset. Certain
that we will not listen, they may soon stop bringing their problems to us.
Furthermore, such children may learn to suppress their feelings, especially
if we insist on time-out in silence. Have we forgotten that crying and
raging are healthy tension-release mechanisms that help relieve sadness and
frustration? [5,6,7] Have we ignored the research showing that stress
hormones are excreted through tears, thereby possibly reducing the effects
of stress and restoring the body's chemical balance? [8]. In teaching our
children to suppress their tears, we may actually be increasing their
susceptibility to a variety of emotional and physical imbalances. Swiss
psychotherapist Dr. Alice Miller states that one of the most devastating
things we do to children is deny them the freedom to express their anger and
suffering [9].
An additional problem is that the use of time-out does not address the
underlying cause of the "inappropriate behavior." Children act in specific
ways for good reasons, even though the youngsters themselves may not be
aware of them. Most undesirable behavior can be explained by one of three
factors: the child is attempting to fulfill a legitimate need, the child
lacks information or is too young to understand, or the child is feeling
upset (frustrated, sad, scared, confused, jealous, or insecure) [10]. When
we try to change a behavior without addressing these feelings and needs, we
do not help our children very much at all. Why? Because the underlying
problem will still be there. Teaching children to conform to our wishes does
not resolve the deeper issues.
For example, siblings who are repeatedly separated and sent to their rooms
when they fight may eventually learn to stop fighting in front of their
parents. Their unresolved feelings of jealousy and hatred, however, may come
to expression in more devious ways, or they may carry their resentments into
adulthood. Curtailing the symptoms of a problem does not solve the problem.
Parents have been led to believe that children will use time-out to think
about what they did and regain some modicum of self-control. In reality,
when children act in inappropriate, aggressive, or obnoxious ways, they are
often harboring such strong pent-up feelings that they are unable to think
clearly about their actions. Far more helpful than isolation is an attentive
listener who can encourage the expression of honest feelings. The healthy
release provided by talking, crying, or raging may even prevent the
recurrence of unwanted behavior.
Holding children who hit or bite is much more effective than isolating them.
Firm but loving holding creates safety and warmth while protecting other
children from getting hurt. It also invites the expression of genuine
feelings (through crying and raging) while reassuring the child of the
indestructible parent-child bond. [10]. It is paradoxical, yet true:
children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving
of it. Telling a violent child to sit quietly rarely accomplishes anything
constructive and only further contributes to the child's pent-up anger and
feelings of alienation.
It is not necessary to isolate children and withdraw our love to teach them
how to "behave". In fact, it is entirely possible to help children learn to
be cooperative and decent members of society without ever issuing
punishments, rewards, or artificial consequences of any kind. No quick and
easy method will solve every conflict. Instead, we need to treat each
situation as the unique challenge that it is, and try to be flexible and
creative, all the while giving our children the love and respect they
deserve.
Notes
1. Robert D. Nye, "B.F. Skinner and Radical Behaviorism," Three Views of Man
(Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing Company, Inc., 1975), p. 51
2. "Avoiding 'Me Against You' Discipline," Young Children, Vol. 44, No. 1.
(Washington DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children,
November 1988), p. 27.
3. Jerome S. Bruner, "The Course of Cognitive Growth," American Psychologist
19 (1964), pp. 1-15.
4. Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training (New American Library,
1975), pp. 170-171.
5. Aletha J. Solter, The Aware Baby (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press, 1984),
pp. 40-41.
6. Aletha J. Solter, Helping Young Children Flourish (Goleta, CA: Shining
Star Press, 1989), pp. 5-9.
7. Aletha J. Solter, Tears and Tantrums (Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press,
1998), pp. 13-32.
8. William H. Frey II, & Muriel Langseth, Crying: the Mystery of Tears
(Minneapolis: Winston Press, 1985), pp. 45-58.
9. Alice Miller, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the
Roots of Violence, (New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux), pp. 106, 259.
10. Martha G. Welch, Holding Time (New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1988),
pp. 42-43
PRINCIPLES OF AWARE PARENTING
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
1. Aware parents fill their children's needs for physical contact (holding,
cuddling, etc.). They do not worry about "spoiling' their children.
2. Aware parents accept the entire range of emotions and listen
non-judgmentally to children's expressions of feelings. They realize that
they cannot prevent all sadness, anger, or frustration, and they do not
attempt to stop children from releasing painful feelings through crying or
raging.
3. Aware parents offer age-appropriate stimulation, and trust children to
learn at their own rate and in their own way. They do not try to hurry
children on to new stages of development.
4. Aware parents offer encouragement for learning new skills, but do not
judge children's performance with either criticism or evaluative praise.
5. Aware parents spend time each day giving full attention to their
children. During this special, quality time, they observe, listen, respond,
and join in their children's play (if invited to do so), but they do not
direct the children's activities.
6. Aware parents protect children from danger, but they do not attempt to
prevent all of their children's mistakes, problems, or conflicts.
7. Aware parents encourage children to be autonomous problem-solvers and
help only when needed. They do not solve their children's problems for them.
8. Aware parents set reasonable boundaries and limits, gently guide children
towards acceptable behavior, and consider everyone's needs when solving
conflicts. They do not control children with bribes, rewards, threats, or
punishments of any kind.
9. Aware parents take care of themselves and are honest about their own
needs and feelings. They do not sacrifice themselves to the point of
becoming resentful.
10. Aware parents strive to be aware of the ways in which their own
childhood pain interferes with their ability to be good parents, and they
make conscious efforts to avoid passing on their own hurts to their
children.
This philosophy is further developed in Aletha Solter's books, The Aware
Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, and Tears and Tantrums (available
from Shining Star Press, P.O. Box 206, Goleta, CA 93116, U.S.A.). Copyright
0 1994 by Aletha Solter
Susan (mother to 5 in Fla)
I started unschooling last year in Jan after my dd (7) fried out just
before Christmas using ABeka. We have much more fun now. Are there any
unschool groups in the Orlando, FL area or is anyone on the group living in
this area? I'd like to find others that are using this method.
before Christmas using ABeka. We have much more fun now. Are there any
unschool groups in the Orlando, FL area or is anyone on the group living in
this area? I'd like to find others that are using this method.