Kathleen

Sometimes i find it very hard to believe in my daughter and the unschooling way of life. My daughter is 10. She is an only child. I am married AND I have to work. We set it up so that Hannah is with me or my husband. I work 20 hours per week. Sat (5), Sun (5), and Mon (10).

Basically, the past 7 weeks, we went through a very difficult eczema situation with my daughter. I chose to miss my regular AA meetings as I am 19 years sober. It felt right to be there for her because she asked me to. I plum wore myself out and stopped doing self care basics, so I am writing this from a very tired state of mind.

Moreover, I have never been one to watch TV, but my hubby and daughter love it. So, I have decompressed, relaxed and watched tons of, "The Office" with my daughter. We have done other things while watching besides laughing. I do want the best for my child.

With that said, my problem is: I think things should be different. Once I begin to enjoy life with her, I worry that I am a lazy parent, a parent who does nothing "of importance." I am ruining her future by not demanding that she read. She has no desire to read yet.

This is a pattern. MY pattern:
Usually, I would lose it inside and out. I put her on a schedule, give her the option of waldorf or a tutor. I DO NOT want to repeat my bad behavior so I am writing in for support. Also, I feel like I am stupid, and have a boring life where my daughter may be
stifled. I only write in when I am vulnerable, so please help me in the most gentle way
any of you mama's relate or see fit. I am a wounded little girl inside who has overcome so very much. The unschooling way of life comes natural to many of you, but I have had to work at it.

Love, Kathleen

Joyce Fetteroll

On Feb 14, 2011, at 3:32 PM, Kathleen wrote:

> The unschooling way of life comes natural to many of you, but I have
> had to work at it.

Confidence has a way of making it look as if someone finds something
easy! And it's not necessarily confidence in themselves but confidence
they want something better than what they have and they know they're
the only ones who can make it happen.

Are you confident you want the best for your daughter?

> This is a pattern. MY pattern:
> Usually, I would lose it inside and out. I put her on a schedule,
> give her the option of waldorf or a tutor. I DO NOT want to repeat
> my bad behavior so I am writing in for support. Also, I feel like I
> am stupid, and have a boring life where my daughter may be
> stifled.

It's a *huge* big helpful step that you see this as something that
could be fixed in you and not in your daughter!

> We have done other things while watching besides laughing. I do want
> the best for my child.

It might help you to look at why you felt you needed to say you did
other things beside laugh followed by you want the best for your child.

There's something there that made you see laughing as not important.
You want something better than happiness.

Why do you think so? Where's that coming from? Why wouldn't laughing
be enough?

I''m not asking as if the answers should be obvious. I'm asking
because there's some baggage there that's making you feel that
laughter and happiness aren't good enough. Are there some voices
whispering in your head shaming you?

> Once I begin to enjoy life with her, I worry that I am a lazy
> parent, a parent who does nothing "of importance."


Where are those voices coming from? Who convinced you of that?

> I am ruining her future by not demanding that she read. She has no
> desire to read yet.

How could she be a better 10 yo if she could read?

Stop right there and think about that. How would her right now self be
better if she were reading? Make a list :-)

And what would you pay from your relationship to get that?

Look at who she is right now. Focus there. What would nurture her
right now self or her interests?

Do you read at Sandra's site? It might help if you read a bit there
each day.

Or subscribe to her Just Add Light and Stir.

Also subscribe to Scott Noelle's Daily Groove:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

> I am ruining her future by not demanding that she read


Do you believe she could read if she tried?

Please do read:
http://sandradodd.com/reading

Ironically the quote at the top of that page is from me ;-):

"You can't make her read or write. But you can make her not want to."�
Joyce

It would be like saying of a 6 mo: "I am ruining her future by not
demanding that she walk." The truth is demanding reading of a non-
reader would work just as well as that.

Your daughter will read when she is developmentally ready and when she
finds something worth reading. In the mean time, if she enjoys
stories, read to her snuggled up together :-) Make popcorn or hot
chocolate. Listen to audiobooks in the car.

My daughter didn't read for pleasure until she was 12 maybe. It's when
she discovered a humorous adult series we'd listened to on audiobook.
After that point there was no way to tell she hadn't picked up a book
until 12. Before that I read to her. In fact at 19 I still read manga
to her while she eats breakfast in bed ;-)

Joyce








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Kathleen

Hi Joyce. I am crying and processing some of the questions you posed. I heard your tone as gentle and loving. Thank you. It is hard to sit with those voices from my childhood that denied any fun, that corrected me neurotically, and was always looking to "DO RATHER THAN BE." Who knew that after all the work I have done to heal from my childhood, the process of raising my daughter brings it all to light again and again (perhaps deeper).

You said:
It might help you to look at why you felt you needed to say you did
other things beside laugh followed by you want the best for your child.

There's something there that made you see laughing as not important.
You want something better than happiness.

Why do you think so? Where's that coming from? Why wouldn't laughing
be enough?

I still have an unworthiness quietly inside that makes me feel really sad and when you asked those questions, I cried from that place. I will be looking for awhile. I realize they are rhetorical and meant for my contemplation. I drank and did drugs from the age of 8 until I was 20 years old. I have a really harsh young story from which I have gotten to heal and help others. Please don't hear this as "poor me," it is just a fact of my existence. After I got sober, however, in my early 20's, I used to ask people why they laughed at certain things because I was so wounded, I didn't understand humor. My husband and daughter are both very funny people (THANK GOD/GODDESS) and they get things more than I do. I do laugh now, and have since found what makes me laugh.

As for the reading question,
How could she be a better 10 yo if she could read?

This is a great question. She wouldn't BE any better of a human. She is compassionate, connected, conscious, kind, and opinionated, strong, and silly, dorky, and funny! She can read when she wants to, already. What happened that triggered it was my mom made a comment. I then chose to worry again. I did, however, send my mom sandra's link and told my mom that I have no room for doubting my unschooling choice. I told her that I cannot make her feel comfortable with my unschooling method. I shared with her that when I feel worried, I read www.sandradodd.com. Then, I went ahead and fancied the fears. They are still in me or she would not trigger me. I am not blaming my mom, I am owning that I still have work to do.

Through this process, I am seeing how attached I have become to the outcome. I have ulterior motives when unschooling. I am constantly reporting that she did a schooly thing because I left her alone. I am seeing how weird I can be about achievement and outcome. Besides my attachments to the way life "should" look.

Many things that you posed are hard to sit with, yet worth it. I am truly being unschooled and decompressing myself. School was a safe place for me. I loved school when I was a little girl. I was raped in 7th grade before going to high school and the rapist was not supposed to go to the high school I went to, but he walked past me the first day of school. I was terrified, and moved schools. In high school, I dropped out and did private study at my own pace. I read my first book a year after I got sober at age 21.

For the second day in a row, I have actually turned on the TV before my daughter has gotten up. After I write this, I am going to enjoy a cooking show. Thank you again Joyce.

Kathleen




--- In [email protected], Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:

> On Feb 14, 2011, at 3:32 PM, Kathleen wrote:
>
> > The unschooling way of life comes natural to many of you, but I have
> > had to work at it.
>
> Confidence has a way of making it look as if someone finds something
> easy! And it's not necessarily confidence in themselves but confidence
> they want something better than what they have and they know they're
> the only ones who can make it happen.
>
> Are you confident you want the best for your daughter?
>
> > This is a pattern. MY pattern:
> > Usually, I would lose it inside and out. I put her on a schedule,
> > give her the option of waldorf or a tutor. I DO NOT want to repeat
> > my bad behavior so I am writing in for support. Also, I feel like I
> > am stupid, and have a boring life where my daughter may be
> > stifled.
>
> It's a *huge* big helpful step that you see this as something that
> could be fixed in you and not in your daughter!
>
> > We have done other things while watching besides laughing. I do want
> > the best for my child.
>
> It might help you to look at why you felt you needed to say you did
> other things beside laugh followed by you want the best for your child.
>
> There's something there that made you see laughing as not important.
> You want something better than happiness.
>
> Why do you think so? Where's that coming from? Why wouldn't laughing
> be enough?
>
> I''m not asking as if the answers should be obvious. I'm asking
> because there's some baggage there that's making you feel that
> laughter and happiness aren't good enough. Are there some voices
> whispering in your head shaming you?
>
> > Once I begin to enjoy life with her, I worry that I am a lazy
> > parent, a parent who does nothing "of importance."
>
>
> Where are those voices coming from? Who convinced you of that?
>
> > I am ruining her future by not demanding that she read. She has no
> > desire to read yet.
>
> How could she be a better 10 yo if she could read?
>
> Stop right there and think about that. How would her right now self be
> better if she were reading? Make a list :-)
>
> And what would you pay from your relationship to get that?
>
> Look at who she is right now. Focus there. What would nurture her
> right now self or her interests?
>
> Do you read at Sandra's site? It might help if you read a bit there
> each day.
>
> Or subscribe to her Just Add Light and Stir.
>
> Also subscribe to Scott Noelle's Daily Groove:
> http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove
>
> > I am ruining her future by not demanding that she read
>
>
> Do you believe she could read if she tried?
>
> Please do read:
> http://sandradodd.com/reading
>
> Ironically the quote at the top of that page is from me ;-):
>
> "You can't make her read or write. But you can make her not want to."—
> Joyce
>
> It would be like saying of a 6 mo: "I am ruining her future by not
> demanding that she walk." The truth is demanding reading of a non-
> reader would work just as well as that.
>
> Your daughter will read when she is developmentally ready and when she
> finds something worth reading. In the mean time, if she enjoys
> stories, read to her snuggled up together :-) Make popcorn or hot
> chocolate. Listen to audiobooks in the car.
>
> My daughter didn't read for pleasure until she was 12 maybe. It's when
> she discovered a humorous adult series we'd listened to on audiobook.
> After that point there was no way to tell she hadn't picked up a book
> until 12. Before that I read to her. In fact at 19 I still read manga
> to her while she eats breakfast in bed ;-)
>
> Joyce
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>