Ren Allen

"I don't want murderers and sexual deviants to be soothed by the idea
that everything is perfect in their moments."

I was talking to a Mom that is seeking a better way. Recognizing the
perfection of this very moment is the only way to "get there" and let
go of the agonizing.
One can recognize the perfection of this very moment and still be
growing...it's not contradictory. Seeing that there are things you
want to change, that there are parts of your life not serving you well
and still being content as the growth and shifts happen is a good thing!!
It's not saying that there IS perfection...it's choosing how we view
even the not-so-fun stuff.

If murderers and sexual deviants had a lot more peace and joy as
children, they might not be so harmful today. And recognizing the
beauty and perfection of right now, is not ALSO saying "go ahead and
do whatever you want to anyone, because it's all good"....not at all.

It's about pausing. It's about being good to yourself WHILE you're
making changes (how can you BE somewhere you're NOT?).

There's obviously a lot more to mindfulness than simply seeing that
truth resides within, but that's a good start. Harming others is not
being mindful at all, but that doesn't negate the parts of mindfulness
I just shared.

It's sorta like the blind men with the elephant. If mindfulness is
being IN the moment, seeing the moment as perfect, that's ONE part of
the picture. That's not everything about mindfulness, but that doesn't
negate the truth of being in the moment either.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 27, 2006, at 9:29 AM, Ren Allen wrote:

> It's about pausing. It's about being good to yourself WHILE you're
> making changes (how can you BE somewhere you're NOT?).


================

That's good info.

It seems to be the nature of humans to be discontent, to want to do
better, to think they'll be more comfortable if they tweak this or
that in their environments. That's not a bad thing. It's why people
clean their yards, and get new clothes, and make birthday cakes.

It's why moms want to be better moms. And it all does happen
inside. And it happens right where people are. Just like learning,
because it is learning. Kids have all their lives to learn 6x9, but
moms only have a little while to become better moms, or their kids
will be grown. That's why there's more urgency when a mom wants to
learn how to be a better mom.

http://www.sandradodd.com/peace/becoming.html
Pam Sorooshian answered a question on this list a while back. The
question was
> How do you go from a very verbally reactive person
> to one who takes a few moments to calm down before she speaks or
> acts? How do you change for good, and not just for days or
> moments? Practice, I guess? Any ideas?

Pam wrote:
Stop thinking about changing "for good and not just for days or
moments." That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't
need that!

Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.

Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative" -
something that helps build your relationship with them. Fix them a
little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they
are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing
else, just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say,
"I was just thinking about how much I love you."

Okay - so that is one good, positive interaction.

Again - just change the next interaction you have with the kids.
Focus on making the next interaction another one that builds up your
relationship. If the next one is because the kids are fighting, STILL
keep in mind that you want this interaction to do something positive
for your relationship with the kids and stretch your thinking as to
how you can make that happen. In other words, you kind of think from
their point of view about yourself. Consider what thoughts you want
going through their head. Do you want them thinking: "She never takes
time to even find out what the problem is?" Or, "She always blames
me?" Or, "She's such a hypocrite, doesn't want to hear us yelling,
but then she yells at us." "She hates me." And so on.
What do you want them to be thinking - what words (articulated or
not) do want tumbling around inside their head? Maybe, "She
understands how I feel." Or, "She really cares about helping us solve
our problems." Or, "She is trying hard to be fair." Or, "She's calm
even when I'm not." Or, "Mom is the best listener in the world." "Mom
loves me even when I'm causing problems."

And, eventually, you want them to think like this?

"Mom will help us find a solution." "I can stay calm like mommy does
even when I'm mad." "I can listen carefully like mommy does when
there is a conflict." "I can recognize feelings, like mommy." "I can
come up with new ideas, like mommy does when we have trouble."

There is no substitute for being authentically "there" for them � for
genuinely trying to help them resolve problems. For putting your
relationship with them at the forefront of every interaction, whether
it is playing together or working together.

None of us are perfect � we'll all have some regrets. But with my
kids 19, 16, and 13, I can now say that I will never say anything
like, "I wish I'd let them fight it out more," or "I wish I'd
punished them more," or "I wish I'd yelled at them more." I will only
ever say that I wish I'd been more patient, more attentive, more calm
and accepting of the normal stresses of having young children.

One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a
relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that,
until IT becomes "the next one."
-pam




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

cookwoodpress

> One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a
> relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that,
> until IT becomes "the next one."

Thank you Pam for writing this and Sandra for printing it out again.

It reminds me of advice given to writers... the only way to write a
book is to sit down and write it. You can't read books about it or
think about it or anything else, you have to just *do* it. And it
doesn't alway come out perfectly and you might get writer's block, but
actually sitting there in the chair writing is the only way to write.

Liz

Ren Allen

"Just change the next interaction you have with the kids."

The best part, is that all those individual better moments lead up to
better reactions in general.

Three of my kids were just out building with Lincoln Logs in the
living room while I was reading online. They had several buildings and
showed me all the details happily, then wandered off to other activities.
The temptation was too much for Jalen and he smashed Sierras elaborate
set-up, making her really angry.

She was telling me how upset she was, while standing on Jalen's
scooter. He came along and pushed his way onto it, stepping on her
foot and making her even MORE angry. At this point, with her high
pitched protest, and his noticably unpleasant methods, I was starting
to feel that angry ball in the pit of my belly.

"Why does he have to be so damn MEAN???" I'm thinking in my head as
I'm reaching towards him to get him away from her.

I reached over and scooped him up, and suddenly the anger was GONE.
Just like that. All of my gentle parenting practices (small moments
over many years) just kicked in and as I walked away with him in my
arms I talked calmly and explained why she was mad, hugged him and
listened to him.
He calmed down very fast and yelled "sorry Sierra" towards the back room.

I think it's really cool when that happens...the old tape kicks on,
and then off just as quickly. Phew.


Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Betsy Hill

**Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative" -
something that helps build your relationship with them. Fix them a
little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they
are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing else,
just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say, "I was
just thinking about how much I love you."**

My husband had just come home today, so I ended up aiming my brief outpouring of kindness at him. I turned the heat up, put a soft pretzel in the toaster and went into his lair and asked for a kiss. I got a big payoff for a 30 second investment -- he told me he loved me (twice!).

(I think he must have been relieved that I wasn't popping in for the purpose of giving him new chores or reminding him about old chores.)

A valuable lesson.

Betsy

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 27, 2006, at 11:55 AM, Ren Allen wrote:

> -=-I think it's really cool when that happens...the old tape kicks on,
> and then off just as quickly. Phew.-=-

YES. I love those moments.
They used to be big and noticeable, and now I only notice them
sometimes, such as when we're having a discussion like this online
and I notice good examples in my everyday life. <g>


I notice in the past year or two that Keith is really good at letting
irritations float on by. He's never been a very expressive kind of
guy, but could be quietly cruel, with a word or phrase or physical
gesture (hard to describe, but just the way he would sit down or turn
away or shut a door could show that he thought someone sucked).
Lately there have been many times when he might have at least said
something cutting about one of the kids behind his/her back, to me,
but instead he says something sympatetic, understanding, or downright
sweet!

Keith grew up in a family that preferred not talking to talking, and
spoke somewhat in scripted ways when they did speak. He's been with
me now longer than he was in his family of origin, and for many years
their ways won out, but lately it's shifted.

So even when someone isn't consciously working at being more mindful,
being around others who are working at it helps

So a mom trying to be aware, and analytical, and mindful (not the
same thing, but at first it can help) will probably find it rubbing
off on others in the family in a good kind of contagious way.

When I was little there was the "joke" (not a funny joke, and not a
joke) about the mom being mean to the oldest kid, who's mean to the
younger, who's mean to the youngest, and the youngest kicks the
dog. But if the mom is kind and considerate to the oldest kid...
maybe the baby will be nicer to the dog. <g>

Sandra

[email protected]

It helps to read that things were not always so "easy" for you all with more experience.

Sometimes I get discouraged because it sounds as if this all comes naturally to all of you, but having read all of this, it is very encouraging to know that I can do this too, with a lot of practice.

Kristsen

-------------- Original message --------------
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>

On Jan 27, 2006, at 11:55 AM, Ren Allen wrote:

> -=-I think it's really cool when that happens...the old tape kicks on,
> and then off just as quickly. Phew.-=-

YES. I love those moments.
They used to be big and noticeable, and now I only notice them
sometimes, such as when we're having a discussion like this online
and I notice good examples in my everyday life. <g>


I notice in the past year or two that Keith is really good at letting
irritations float on by. He's never been a very expressive kind of
guy, but could be quietly cruel, with a word or phrase or physical
gesture (hard to describe, but just the way he would sit down or turn
away or shut a door could show that he thought someone sucked).
Lately there have been many times when he might have at least said
something cutting about one of the kids behind his/her back, to me,
but instead he says something sympatetic, understanding, or downright
sweet!

Keith grew up in a family that preferred not talking to talking, and
spoke somewhat in scripted ways when they did speak. He's been with
me now longer than he was in his family of origin, and for many years
their ways won out, but lately it's shifted.

So even when someone isn't consciously working at being more mindful,
being around others who are working at it helps

So a mom trying to be aware, and analytical, and mindful (not the
same thing, but at first it can help) will probably find it rubbing
off on others in the family in a good kind of contagious way.

When I was little there was the "joke" (not a funny joke, and not a
joke) about the mom being mean to the oldest kid, who's mean to the
younger, who's mean to the youngest, and the youngest kicks the
dog. But if the mom is kind and considerate to the oldest kid...
maybe the baby will be nicer to the dog. <g>

Sandra



"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.

Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: <http://www.unschooling.info>



SPONSORED LINKS Graduate school education High school education Home school education
Middle school education New york school education School education in california



YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

Visit your group "UnschoolingDiscussion" on the web.

To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tracey Inman

Sang Wrote:

>>(I want it so badly, why can I not seem to *get* there?)<<

I was just looking through Ren's website when I came across a really neat
link. It is from a talk Sandra and Ren had. Thought it was worth sharing.
I hope this helps.

http://sandradodd.com/rentalk

~Tracey - Still on the journey to learning to let go and enjoy...

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/27/2006 5:39:24 PM Eastern Standard Time,
litlrooh@... writes:

> Sometimes I get discouraged because it sounds as if this all comes
> naturally to all of you,

Exactly!

PEace,
Sang


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

Wow. So much to consider, mull, work into practice!! Thank you to everyone
for all your words. I know I'll be better for it when I finish my "digesting"...
not exactly sure "where" I'll be, but it will be closer.

Peace,
Sang


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 28, 2006, at 5:42 AM, Sanguinegirl83@... wrote:

> I know I'll be better for it when I finish my "digesting"...
> not exactly sure "where" I'll be, but it will be closer.

If you think of it as something you will digest and finish... too
much like a project, a unit, a finite "chore."


You'll be gathering and sorting and thinking forever. It's not a
thing to finish.

Sandra

Ren Allen

" An idea just hit me-maybe part of the problem is
not trusting MYSELF."

That is huge. I believe that is a huge part of the healing, and
something Sandra and I talk about in that article mentioned...the
focus was about the healing aspects of unschooling.

Unschooling, in a very real sense, IS a mindfulness practice.:)
Being in the moment with our children, trusting the flow of life,
seeing our connections to them and to all of the universe etc...

I think my greatest breakthrough moment (or paradiagm shift) was about
acceptance. In Zen practice, the idea is to simply notice things,
without all the judgement and preferences attached to the noticing.
Sort of like a reflecting pool.
If you can see the mess around you, feel some angst welling up and
instead of reacting to those initial feelings, you just NOTICE the
angst. You NOTICE your anger, your emotions. Kind of like a visitor
standing off to the side and watching.
If you stay with the feeling, just noticing that you are having these
strong emotions, pretty soon you'll find that the emotion subside
quite a bit and you're able to think more clearly about what action
would make sense in the moment.

I'm using chaotic mess as an example, because that's a trigger for me
sometimes..... what I've found is that whatever I'm reacting to, is
not really what I'm reacting to. Clear as mud?
Mess is not what makes me angry, it's feelings of being ignored,
undervalued etc...when I really examine it (how can they just trash
the kitchen when I just cleaned it up? Don't they care?)

There's always some underlying thing that is the trigger for the
emotion when I examine it more carefully. So letting the emotion
arise (don't fight it, don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel it,
that's trying to hard to CONTROL again) noticing it and just staying
with the feeling for a while.

I think in previous times, I was always fighting myself to try and
change. That doesn't work so well. Mindfulness DOES change what you
react to, but it happens so quietly and naturally you hardly realize
it. A moment happens that is so drastically different than how you
WOULD have reacted in the past and it's almost like a slap (a good
slap) and you're thinking "WOW".

So accepting your emotions, feeling them, and staying with them until
some clarity swirls up is much better than trying to stop yourself
from feeling anger (or whatever emotion wells up).

I will always remember something Richard Prystowsky said about being a
peaceful parent on the tape from he and Sandra's talk a few years
back; something about the way to BECOME a peaceful parent was to BE
peaceful. There was no path, you just had to BE peaceful.

It's really that simple. Slow down and make room for peace amongst all
the mess and fun and tasks and STUFF. All of that daily stuff IS your
practice, so make it peaceful and happy and there ya go!

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Ren Allen

Some of the very BEST books that gave me paradiagm shifts about
mindfulness are:

~Anger by Thich Nhat Han
~Wherever You Go, THere You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
~Zen it's history and teachings by Osho (Very biased to Zen...might
not be great for everyone, but it spoke to me at a very deep level)

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Have a Nice Day!

So accepting your emotions, feeling them, and staying with them until
some clarity swirls up is much better than trying to stop yourself
from feeling anger (or whatever emotion wells up).

************************************

I think this is really important for those of us who are struggling with mindful parenting. It is affirming to know that we can have these emotions, and it helps to know *how* to move through them and past them.

Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: Ren Allen
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2006 10:58 AM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mindfulness


" An idea just hit me-maybe part of the problem is
not trusting MYSELF."

That is huge. I believe that is a huge part of the healing, and
something Sandra and I talk about in that article mentioned...the
focus was about the healing aspects of unschooling.

Unschooling, in a very real sense, IS a mindfulness practice.:)
Being in the moment with our children, trusting the flow of life,
seeing our connections to them and to all of the universe etc...

I think my greatest breakthrough moment (or paradiagm shift) was about
acceptance. In Zen practice, the idea is to simply notice things,
without all the judgement and preferences attached to the noticing.
Sort of like a reflecting pool.
If you can see the mess around you, feel some angst welling up and
instead of reacting to those initial feelings, you just NOTICE the
angst. You NOTICE your anger, your emotions. Kind of like a visitor
standing off to the side and watching.
If you stay with the feeling, just noticing that you are having these
strong emotions, pretty soon you'll find that the emotion subside
quite a bit and you're able to think more clearly about what action
would make sense in the moment.

I'm using chaotic mess as an example, because that's a trigger for me
sometimes..... what I've found is that whatever I'm reacting to, is
not really what I'm reacting to. Clear as mud?
Mess is not what makes me angry, it's feelings of being ignored,
undervalued etc...when I really examine it (how can they just trash
the kitchen when I just cleaned it up? Don't they care?)

There's always some underlying thing that is the trigger for the
emotion when I examine it more carefully. So letting the emotion
arise (don't fight it, don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel it,
that's trying to hard to CONTROL again) noticing it and just staying
with the feeling for a while.

I think in previous times, I was always fighting myself to try and
change. That doesn't work so well. Mindfulness DOES change what you
react to, but it happens so quietly and naturally you hardly realize
it. A moment happens that is so drastically different than how you
WOULD have reacted in the past and it's almost like a slap (a good
slap) and you're thinking "WOW".

So accepting your emotions, feeling them, and staying with them until
some clarity swirls up is much better than trying to stop yourself
from feeling anger (or whatever emotion wells up).

I will always remember something Richard Prystowsky said about being a
peaceful parent on the tape from he and Sandra's talk a few years
back; something about the way to BECOME a peaceful parent was to BE
peaceful. There was no path, you just had to BE peaceful.

It's really that simple. Slow down and make room for peace amongst all
the mess and fun and tasks and STUFF. All of that daily stuff IS your
practice, so make it peaceful and happy and there ya go!

Ren
learninginfreedom.com






"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.

Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: <http://www.unschooling.info>



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

a.. Visit your group "UnschoolingDiscussion" on the web.

b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------




------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.23/243 - Release Date: 1/27/2006


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 28, 2006, at 10:17 AM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:

> So accepting your emotions, feeling them, and staying with them until
> some clarity swirls up is much better than trying to stop yourself
> from feeling anger (or whatever emotion wells up).


Language is a big problem sometimes.

"Accept your emotions" can cover a range of things.

If I feel embarrassed, I can feel that and think "Oh, I'm
embarrassed!" Then I can make it better or worse with my next thought.

I think Ren was recommending just acknowledge the embarrassment
internally, and then take a breath without making a deal one way or
the other about the embarrassment.

If you feel anger welling up, you can either stir it so it overflows
and you express it (subtly or overtly), or you can see it, leave it
still, and it will seep back down some.

Stopping yourself from acting on anger is different from stopping
yourself from feeling anger.

Eventually, anger won't be so quick to well up.

Sandra

Sarah

After having realized what it is that is causing big
emotions, being undervalued, for example, how do you
then respond to *that* emotion. Feeling undervalued
is huge. What do you with *that*? Do you then just
notice it? Or do you talk about it? Or...what?

Sarah


--- Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:

> Mess is not what makes me angry, it's feelings of
> being ignored,
> undervalued etc...when I really examine it (how can
> they just trash
> the kitchen when I just cleaned it up? Don't they
> care?)


__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

Betsy Hill

**Feeling undervalued
is huge. What do you with *that*? Do you then just
notice it? Or do you talk about it? Or...what?**

One can ask one's partner to offer more hugs, help or encouragement.
(Be as specific as possible.)

But what if a person feels undervalued because she's also one of the
people putting herself down all the time? It's a good idea for us to
put some effort into admiring and appreciating ourselves. If we are
really down on ourselves, that can make a hole that's too big for anyone
else to fill.

Betsy

queenjane555

> After having realized what it is that is causing big emotions,
>being undervalued, for example, how do you then respond to *that*
>emotion. Feeling undervalued is huge. What do you with *that*?
>Do you then just notice it? Or do you talk about it? Or...what?

What has helped for me it to notice how lucky i am. One time i was
in a traffic jam, and was starting to get really irritated...how
dare all these other cars keep me from being where i need to be??
But then i took a deep breath and thought "At least i have a running
car, a full tank of gas, a nice cold drink, music to listen to....it
could be worse!!"

My son's father (who lives in another state)irritates me more than
anyone else in my life. He has a way of phrasing things that tend to
make me want to throw things at him (we have pretty opposite
personalities)...what has helped tremendously for me is realize how
much worse it could be....some "ex's" cause ALOT of problems for
unschooling moms, and he doesnt. So i just breathe through most of
it, and realize the consequence for getting upset is much more
damaging than whatever little thing was irritating me at the time.

Can you change the way you look at whatever it is causing you to
feel "undervalued"? Is it that no one is helping around the house?
Maybe if you look at it as your priveledge to help, that it is
something GOOD you are doing for your kids/husband (like cooking
them decent meals or making sure they are warm enough or whatever),
and that it is a conscience CHOICE you are making to be there, you
won't feel so used or undervalued. Maybe looking at all the good you
have in your life (healthy kids, employed husband, a safe place to
live, the ability to stay home with your kids and
homeschool....whichever of these things apply to your life)and
just "owning" it as the life you choose to live everyday, would help?


Katherine

Pamela Sorooshian

On Jan 28, 2006, at 5:16 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:

>> I know I'll be better for it when I finish my "digesting"...
>> not exactly sure "where" I'll be, but it will be closer.
>
> If you think of it as something you will digest and finish... too
> much like a project, a unit, a finite "chore."

You'll find out it is like a flower that keeps blooming into a more
and more and more amazing flower - doesn't stop. Learning to parent
feels to me like a time-lapse photo of a flower blooming - you keep
thinking it is almost done but there is more. If you froze the frame
it would be a flower - but there is all this potential still "ungrown."

I was edgy and cranky and sharp with my kids several times yesterday.
Rosie called me on it - said, "Mom, why are you talking like that to
Roxana?" I really didn't even feel as cranky or sharp as it seems to
have sounded to them.

I had a distressing day - started early and included seeing someone
die in the street - someone in a wheelchair just suddenly careened
off the sidewalk into the street and collapsed. Several people jumped
out of cars to help - I was the next car back and didn't get out
because I could see they were unable to do anything for her and had
already called 911. I had my daughter and nephew with me and it was
pretty awful, just sitting there (we were blocked in). I also had
spent the morning at my nephew's private Christian school where they
clearly taught the kids that only Christians could really love their
country and that our freedom in this country is based on the Bible
and on and on. It was depressing and unsettling to sit there. Then I
ran around to look for pretty hair clips/barrettes for Rosie who is
going to a "winter formal" tonight and THAT was stressful because I
didn't understand what she wanted, it was last minute rushed, I've
already spent a lot more money on this dance than I'd realized it
would cost when she first accepted the invitation. And I've had a
cold, on top of all that. And I hurt my knee playing Dance Dance
Revolution last week and I'd thought it was getting better, but it
had started hurting a lot again and my whole leg was aching. I was
feeling pressured and unsettled and unhealthy. And I was ignoring all
that and just shoving it down all day while carrying on driving kids
here and there, taking my nephew out to lunch (it was "Grandparents
Day" at his school - so I was a stand-in since he has no living
grandparents).

So then, late last night, I was finally home and the house was a mess
and I was too tired to straighten up so I was sitting in the mess
feeling annoyed that other people had made such a big mess and not
cleaned up.

And Rosie was asking me to put her hair up in curlers but we couldn't
find the curlers - this was about midnight and I'd been up and on the
go since 7 am. Roxana thought the curlers were in her room - she
went to look after being asked several times - was in there about a
minute and came out saying she couldn't find them.

THAT is when I was sharp with her - I said, "Could you look harder?"
She said, "I DID look and I couldn't find them." I said, "You could
look harder - you were only in there about a minute and a half."

Rosie said, "MOM - why are you talking like that to Roxana?"

And 20 minutes later when we were in the other room, she said, again,
"You talked really mean to Roxana."

I really wasn't even aware of it, at the time. I was so tired. And
what I'd said was so much LESS than what I was thinking - I was
THINKING - "Sheesh - you sat here all day and played on your computer
and didn't even pick up the messes that were sitting right in front
of you. Could you at least put a little effort into helping find the
curlers?"

I was drained. I wanted to do all this stuff lovingly and sweetly,
but I was worn out. I woke up this morning STILL feeling tired and
drained.

I'm human AND I make mistakes and sometimes I get in over my head and
try to do too much. That's my weakness - it is my fault. It is my
problem.

My kids want to do a lot and they want me involved. I don't always
anticipate what the pacing is going to be like - things come up.
Sometimes the littlest thing is what really stresses me out - like
finding hair clips at the last minute, stores were closing, we had
only a small window of time and I didn't know what she really wanted
- I was on the cell phone in a store with her trying to explain it to
me. Frustration.

So--- I've written all that out because I don't want to come off
sounding like I think I'm perfect.

Here is what I'm doing about it. FIIRST - recognizing that this was
my problem. I am at fault in that I didn't schedule well. I could
tell myself that it wasn't my fault - I couldn't have anticipated
much of what stressed me out - couldn't have planned for sitting in
the car with two kids watching someone lie dead in the street,
obviously. Couldn't anticipate that the girl doing Rosie's hair would
suddenly need hair clips. I could blame LOTS of other people. But,
truth is, I KNOW myself - ONLY I know what I can handle. I am
responsible for building in enough time in my day for unexpected
things to happen and not leave us super rushed. I am responsible for
taking care of myself well enough that I can handle these kinds of
stresses. I am the only person who could have known that when I left
my nephew's school program that I was distressed over it. Nobody else
could have possibly known that what I really needed at that point was
to go home and straighten up the house and have a cup of tea and
maybe read this list a bit. I was the only person who could know what
I needed. So it makes no sense at all to blame anybody else or even
to blame circumstances. I know that It was ME - I got myself into too
much for one day. Recognizing and accepting that is a huge step.
Without that step, I'd make the same mistake over and over. Also, it
helps me to look back and realize how many choices there were,
throughout the day. I made some good ones and some bad ones. AND the
whole day wasn't awful - there were many good parts to it.

SECOND - today I will apologize for being cranky last night. I can't
undo it and will have regret that an apology won't wipe out, but
it'll help for the kids to know that I am sorry, that it isn't how I
want to be with them, and that it isn't THEM who brought it on.

THIRD - I recognize that I used to have days like yesterday FAR more
frequently. In fact, underneath the crankiness was anger at myself
because it felt like I'd regressed to a more stressful way of living
that I'd left behind quite a while ago. There were little hardly
conscious unformed thoughts like "Didn't you learn anything?" "How
could you have done this again?" Self-recrimination all day long, off
and on. But, the truth is, I hardly EVER have days like that anymore
- I learned a lot about myself over the years and know how to keep
far more centered and calm and happy. I know much more about what
kind of pacing works well in my family and our lives are GOOD. I'm
not falling back into old habits just because I had one day that had
a bunch of bad moments.

FOURTH - I know what I need to do and as soon as I finish this email,
the next thing I'll do will be a preemptive strike against one of the
things that can get me stressed. I'm going to wash the dishes. I'm
going to ENJOY getting the kitchen all cleaned up - anticipating
feeling that warm water flow over my hands and seeing the shiny sink
at the end. It'll feel good to DO it and it'll feel good to have it
done. Sounds trivial - wash the dishes - but I know myself and know
that that will be a head-clearing move for me - a good way to start
the day (yeah - it is almost 11 am and everybody else is still
asleep). I'm going to smile as each person wakes up - make tea for
Cyrus, make breakfast for the kids. I'm going to straighten up the
house.

FIFTH - I'm going to have a really low-key day - not going to do much
other than putter around the house, cleaning up, hanging out.
Recovery from yesterday might take a couple of days and I'm going to
GIVE myself that time - make sure i get it. I know it is important.

This was long. But I thought it might be useful for those just
starting out on this journey to know that those of us who sound like
we have all the answers, sometimes, also have struggles and how we
have learned to respond. T

here is a line in a song in a show Roxana is doing - so I've been
hearing this song frequently -

"Shoot the moon, shoot the moon. Life is hard and gone to soon."

It keeps going through my head.

It means:
Give it all you've got - get everything out of life that you can -
take risks, don't be timid, LIVE your life fully. Life WILL give you
some problems - things happen. But you don't have infinite time.

I think it is a good point. We don't have infinite time - we WILL
have to deal with problems in life - but all the MORE reason to let
GO of negative patterns that aren't working for us and take each
moment as important and make those minute-by-minute choices that will
give us a better life.

-pam








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

That was a huge help Pam.

Your day sounds like many of mine, at least last semester, while I was learning a new job. I almost decided not to do another semeseter, but at the last minute thought I'd try one more.

Well, this semester is going so much better. The paperwork is a lot lighter than last semester so I'm going to ask to do this course from now on (Nsg 206). Im feeling much more relaxed about work, enough so that I can actually sign up for a few extra hours/week as a bedside nurse which means we will have extra money to do some fun things. Next Friday I'm taking the kids to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia (thanks to whoever it was who posted the Happy Hollow membership information!!!).

Our family was in counseling (long story) and I must say, things got so much worse during counseling. The counselor really did not understand the unschooling mindset, often telling me my daughter needed more "structure" and that when she said she wanted a counselor who was more strict, he interpreted that to mean she wanted stricter parents. He also habitually would explain her behavior in terms of "thats how it is with teen girls" (which I dont' buy). In addition he would often make comments about the fact that she was not in school and how that was going to make his job harder because they usually have team meetings with school officials (I wouldn't want that going on even if she *were* in school!).

When he wanted more information about my kind of parenting I printed the article on unschooling.info about "principles vs rules" and I recommended he read "Parent Teen Breakthrough....". hen he told me he had never heard of the book, I knew we were in trouble because that book comes highly recommended by many family psychologists. If I'm better read than he is, how much help is he really going to be?

And then when he read it, he was trying to use it to conform us to HIS way of parenting instead of understanding the change in thinking that has to occur. In other words, he was using the book to manipulate me instead of changing his own mindset.

We ditched him after my mother told me that many family based intensive therapists really do not need any experience or real training (as was told to her by friends of hers who actually did the job for a living and was also evident when she was asked if *she* would like to do the job...her degree is in English and American Studies, not even remotely close to therapy).

We opted to go back to a psychologist friend that we know that seems a lot more helpful. It was a good thing we ditched the "family based" counselor because as it turns out he is very pushy, even suggesting that the psychologist could "supervise" but that he, the social worker, wanted to stay involved...this after I made it clear we were not interested. He even took the liberty of going to his superiors to ask if this was something he could do. Unbelievable, but not surprising. I'm so glad we aren't seeing them again. Whether or not we actually follow through with the psychologist remains to be seen. At this point, I think things are going much much better without any outside help.

And just so you know how much power these people have, I was told by the county MHMR (when they arranged the counseling) that if we ever wanted to quit, they *could* get a court order compelling us to continue, if they felt it was necessary, though they assured me they wouldn't ever do that (uh huh). When I called to cancel any further counseling with them the MHMR caseworker informed me that our counselor was "Very concerned about our family" and "felt it was necessary" the buzz phrase for possible court action. My guess is that since we stated we were going to a private psychologist, they decided we would be ok without them (sigh).

Things are so much better without these people in our lives. I had a gut feeling that what my daughter really needed was for me to back off, not get even more in her face. Having followed through on my gut, my daughter actually went to town cleaning the house the last two days without my asking her to. I was overwhelmingly greatful for all that she did because I worked a lot this week and I really needed the help. ANd I thanked her up and down and gave her a kiss for it, as well as some money she wanted to do something fun with her friends. She also took the time to write down all her friends' phone numbers where she could be reached since she ran up the cell phone minutes to the point where there aren't any free minutes left for anyone in the family now. I thought that was very thoughtful. I asked her if she could please just call me to let me know where she is, and she doesn't seem to think that will work, but at least I have phone numbers now where I can reach her.

Anyway now that we've detoxed our lives from these idiots (and I can't say enough about how awful it was...and it was even worse than I first thought, now looking back), we've been able to get back to living and it is much less stressful. And your post really helped because I can start to pinpoint where *I* get stressed, and where *I* can intervene to destress before I become angry. I'm hoping that will also help the kids to learn how to do that for themselves.

Some of what stresses me out is that my husband doesn't talk much and so he lets things irritate him and build up over time and then he's just plain mean and mutters and complains loud enough for all to hear, which makes me feel awful and guilty (which is his intention, as he's told me). Very often what he's complaining about at that point has nothing to do with what he's actually upset about.

So we've started talking almost every night about the day and if there was anything bothering him on that particular day and anything I can do to make it better in the future. And I made it clear to him that his bottling things up and then letting off a long, sustained steam release has to stop because I can't live that way. So we are both making a real effort to have a more pleasant life together. I really appreciate his effort. It makes me feel like he really does care about *me*. And that helps to replenish me when I need it.

Kristen






----- Original Message -----
From: Pamela Sorooshian
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2006 2:09 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mindfulness



On Jan 28, 2006, at 5:16 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:

>> I know I'll be better for it when I finish my "digesting"...
>> not exactly sure "where" I'll be, but it will be closer.
>
> If you think of it as something you will digest and finish... too
> much like a project, a unit, a finite "chore."

You'll find out it is like a flower that keeps blooming into a more
and more and more amazing flower - doesn't stop. Learning to parent
feels to me like a time-lapse photo of a flower blooming - you keep
thinking it is almost done but there is more. If you froze the frame
it would be a flower - but there is all this potential still "ungrown."

I was edgy and cranky and sharp with my kids several times yesterday.
Rosie called me on it - said, "Mom, why are you talking like that to
Roxana?" I really didn't even feel as cranky or sharp as it seems to
have sounded to them.

I had a distressing day - started early and included seeing someone
die in the street - someone in a wheelchair just suddenly careened
off the sidewalk into the street and collapsed. Several people jumped
out of cars to help - I was the next car back and didn't get out
because I could see they were unable to do anything for her and had
already called 911. I had my daughter and nephew with me and it was
pretty awful, just sitting there (we were blocked in). I also had
spent the morning at my nephew's private Christian school where they
clearly taught the kids that only Christians could really love their
country and that our freedom in this country is based on the Bible
and on and on. It was depressing and unsettling to sit there. Then I
ran around to look for pretty hair clips/barrettes for Rosie who is
going to a "winter formal" tonight and THAT was stressful because I
didn't understand what she wanted, it was last minute rushed, I've
already spent a lot more money on this dance than I'd realized it
would cost when she first accepted the invitation. And I've had a
cold, on top of all that. And I hurt my knee playing Dance Dance
Revolution last week and I'd thought it was getting better, but it
had started hurting a lot again and my whole leg was aching. I was
feeling pressured and unsettled and unhealthy. And I was ignoring all
that and just shoving it down all day while carrying on driving kids
here and there, taking my nephew out to lunch (it was "Grandparents
Day" at his school - so I was a stand-in since he has no living
grandparents).

So then, late last night, I was finally home and the house was a mess
and I was too tired to straighten up so I was sitting in the mess
feeling annoyed that other people had made such a big mess and not
cleaned up.

And Rosie was asking me to put her hair up in curlers but we couldn't
find the curlers - this was about midnight and I'd been up and on the
go since 7 am. Roxana thought the curlers were in her room - she
went to look after being asked several times - was in there about a
minute and came out saying she couldn't find them.

THAT is when I was sharp with her - I said, "Could you look harder?"
She said, "I DID look and I couldn't find them." I said, "You could
look harder - you were only in there about a minute and a half."

Rosie said, "MOM - why are you talking like that to Roxana?"

And 20 minutes later when we were in the other room, she said, again,
"You talked really mean to Roxana."

I really wasn't even aware of it, at the time. I was so tired. And
what I'd said was so much LESS than what I was thinking - I was
THINKING - "Sheesh - you sat here all day and played on your computer
and didn't even pick up the messes that were sitting right in front
of you. Could you at least put a little effort into helping find the
curlers?"

I was drained. I wanted to do all this stuff lovingly and sweetly,
but I was worn out. I woke up this morning STILL feeling tired and
drained.

I'm human AND I make mistakes and sometimes I get in over my head and
try to do too much. That's my weakness - it is my fault. It is my
problem.

My kids want to do a lot and they want me involved. I don't always
anticipate what the pacing is going to be like - things come up.
Sometimes the littlest thing is what really stresses me out - like
finding hair clips at the last minute, stores were closing, we had
only a small window of time and I didn't know what she really wanted
- I was on the cell phone in a store with her trying to explain it to
me. Frustration.

So--- I've written all that out because I don't want to come off
sounding like I think I'm perfect.

Here is what I'm doing about it. FIIRST - recognizing that this was
my problem. I am at fault in that I didn't schedule well. I could
tell myself that it wasn't my fault - I couldn't have anticipated
much of what stressed me out - couldn't have planned for sitting in
the car with two kids watching someone lie dead in the street,
obviously. Couldn't anticipate that the girl doing Rosie's hair would
suddenly need hair clips. I could blame LOTS of other people. But,
truth is, I KNOW myself - ONLY I know what I can handle. I am
responsible for building in enough time in my day for unexpected
things to happen and not leave us super rushed. I am responsible for
taking care of myself well enough that I can handle these kinds of
stresses. I am the only person who could have known that when I left
my nephew's school program that I was distressed over it. Nobody else
could have possibly known that what I really needed at that point was
to go home and straighten up the house and have a cup of tea and
maybe read this list a bit. I was the only person who could know what
I needed. So it makes no sense at all to blame anybody else or even
to blame circumstances. I know that It was ME - I got myself into too
much for one day. Recognizing and accepting that is a huge step.
Without that step, I'd make the same mistake over and over. Also, it
helps me to look back and realize how many choices there were,
throughout the day. I made some good ones and some bad ones. AND the
whole day wasn't awful - there were many good parts to it.

SECOND - today I will apologize for being cranky last night. I can't
undo it and will have regret that an apology won't wipe out, but
it'll help for the kids to know that I am sorry, that it isn't how I
want to be with them, and that it isn't THEM who brought it on.

THIRD - I recognize that I used to have days like yesterday FAR more
frequently. In fact, underneath the crankiness was anger at myself
because it felt like I'd regressed to a more stressful way of living
that I'd left behind quite a while ago. There were little hardly
conscious unformed thoughts like "Didn't you learn anything?" "How
could you have done this again?" Self-recrimination all day long, off
and on. But, the truth is, I hardly EVER have days like that anymore
- I learned a lot about myself over the years and know how to keep
far more centered and calm and happy. I know much more about what
kind of pacing works well in my family and our lives are GOOD. I'm
not falling back into old habits just because I had one day that had
a bunch of bad moments.

FOURTH - I know what I need to do and as soon as I finish this email,
the next thing I'll do will be a preemptive strike against one of the
things that can get me stressed. I'm going to wash the dishes. I'm
going to ENJOY getting the kitchen all cleaned up - anticipating
feeling that warm water flow over my hands and seeing the shiny sink
at the end. It'll feel good to DO it and it'll feel good to have it
done. Sounds trivial - wash the dishes - but I know myself and know
that that will be a head-clearing move for me - a good way to start
the day (yeah - it is almost 11 am and everybody else is still
asleep). I'm going to smile as each person wakes up - make tea for
Cyrus, make breakfast for the kids. I'm going to straighten up the
house.

FIFTH - I'm going to have a really low-key day - not going to do much
other than putter around the house, cleaning up, hanging out.
Recovery from yesterday might take a couple of days and I'm going to
GIVE myself that time - make sure i get it. I know it is important.

This was long. But I thought it might be useful for those just
starting out on this journey to know that those of us who sound like
we have all the answers, sometimes, also have struggles and how we
have learned to respond. T

here is a line in a song in a show Roxana is doing - so I've been
hearing this song frequently -

"Shoot the moon, shoot the moon. Life is hard and gone to soon."

It keeps going through my head.

It means:
Give it all you've got - get everything out of life that you can -
take risks, don't be timid, LIVE your life fully. Life WILL give you
some problems - things happen. But you don't have infinite time.

I think it is a good point. We don't have infinite time - we WILL
have to deal with problems in life - but all the MORE reason to let
GO of negative patterns that aren't working for us and take each
moment as important and make those minute-by-minute choices that will
give us a better life.

-pam








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.

Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: <http://www.unschooling.info>



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

a.. Visit your group "UnschoolingDiscussion" on the web.

b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------




------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.23/243 - Release Date: 1/27/2006


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

In addition he would often make comments about the fact that she was not in school and how that was going to make his job harder because they usually have team meetings with school officials (I wouldn't want that going on even if she *were* in school!).

**********************

What I meant by this is that I felt as if he was disappointed that he couldn't bring school officials in so that they could all "gang up" on us, the countercultural parents.

Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: Have a Nice Day!
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2006 3:48 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mindfulness


That was a huge help Pam.

Your day sounds like many of mine, at least last semester, while I was learning a new job. I almost decided not to do another semeseter, but at the last minute thought I'd try one more.

Well, this semester is going so much better. The paperwork is a lot lighter than last semester so I'm going to ask to do this course from now on (Nsg 206). Im feeling much more relaxed about work, enough so that I can actually sign up for a few extra hours/week as a bedside nurse which means we will have extra money to do some fun things. Next Friday I'm taking the kids to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia (thanks to whoever it was who posted the Happy Hollow membership information!!!).

Our family was in counseling (long story) and I must say, things got so much worse during counseling. The counselor really did not understand the unschooling mindset, often telling me my daughter needed more "structure" and that when she said she wanted a counselor who was more strict, he interpreted that to mean she wanted stricter parents. He also habitually would explain her behavior in terms of "thats how it is with teen girls" (which I dont' buy). In addition he would often make comments about the fact that she was not in school and how that was going to make his job harder because they usually have team meetings with school officials (I wouldn't want that going on even if she *were* in school!).

When he wanted more information about my kind of parenting I printed the article on unschooling.info about "principles vs rules" and I recommended he read "Parent Teen Breakthrough....". hen he told me he had never heard of the book, I knew we were in trouble because that book comes highly recommended by many family psychologists. If I'm better read than he is, how much help is he really going to be?

And then when he read it, he was trying to use it to conform us to HIS way of parenting instead of understanding the change in thinking that has to occur. In other words, he was using the book to manipulate me instead of changing his own mindset.

We ditched him after my mother told me that many family based intensive therapists really do not need any experience or real training (as was told to her by friends of hers who actually did the job for a living and was also evident when she was asked if *she* would like to do the job...her degree is in English and American Studies, not even remotely close to therapy).

We opted to go back to a psychologist friend that we know that seems a lot more helpful. It was a good thing we ditched the "family based" counselor because as it turns out he is very pushy, even suggesting that the psychologist could "supervise" but that he, the social worker, wanted to stay involved...this after I made it clear we were not interested. He even took the liberty of going to his superiors to ask if this was something he could do. Unbelievable, but not surprising. I'm so glad we aren't seeing them again. Whether or not we actually follow through with the psychologist remains to be seen. At this point, I think things are going much much better without any outside help.

And just so you know how much power these people have, I was told by the county MHMR (when they arranged the counseling) that if we ever wanted to quit, they *could* get a court order compelling us to continue, if they felt it was necessary, though they assured me they wouldn't ever do that (uh huh). When I called to cancel any further counseling with them the MHMR caseworker informed me that our counselor was "Very concerned about our family" and "felt it was necessary" the buzz phrase for possible court action. My guess is that since we stated we were going to a private psychologist, they decided we would be ok without them (sigh).

Things are so much better without these people in our lives. I had a gut feeling that what my daughter really needed was for me to back off, not get even more in her face. Having followed through on my gut, my daughter actually went to town cleaning the house the last two days without my asking her to. I was overwhelmingly greatful for all that she did because I worked a lot this week and I really needed the help. ANd I thanked her up and down and gave her a kiss for it, as well as some money she wanted to do something fun with her friends. She also took the time to write down all her friends' phone numbers where she could be reached since she ran up the cell phone minutes to the point where there aren't any free minutes left for anyone in the family now. I thought that was very thoughtful. I asked her if she could please just call me to let me know where she is, and she doesn't seem to think that will work, but at least I have phone numbers now where I can reach her.

Anyway now that we've detoxed our lives from these idiots (and I can't say enough about how awful it was...and it was even worse than I first thought, now looking back), we've been able to get back to living and it is much less stressful. And your post really helped because I can start to pinpoint where *I* get stressed, and where *I* can intervene to destress before I become angry. I'm hoping that will also help the kids to learn how to do that for themselves.

Some of what stresses me out is that my husband doesn't talk much and so he lets things irritate him and build up over time and then he's just plain mean and mutters and complains loud enough for all to hear, which makes me feel awful and guilty (which is his intention, as he's told me). Very often what he's complaining about at that point has nothing to do with what he's actually upset about.

So we've started talking almost every night about the day and if there was anything bothering him on that particular day and anything I can do to make it better in the future. And I made it clear to him that his bottling things up and then letting off a long, sustained steam release has to stop because I can't live that way. So we are both making a real effort to have a more pleasant life together. I really appreciate his effort. It makes me feel like he really does care about *me*. And that helps to replenish me when I need it.

Kristen






----- Original Message -----
From: Pamela Sorooshian
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2006 2:09 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Mindfulness



On Jan 28, 2006, at 5:16 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:

>> I know I'll be better for it when I finish my "digesting"...
>> not exactly sure "where" I'll be, but it will be closer.
>
> If you think of it as something you will digest and finish... too
> much like a project, a unit, a finite "chore."

You'll find out it is like a flower that keeps blooming into a more
and more and more amazing flower - doesn't stop. Learning to parent
feels to me like a time-lapse photo of a flower blooming - you keep
thinking it is almost done but there is more. If you froze the frame
it would be a flower - but there is all this potential still "ungrown."

I was edgy and cranky and sharp with my kids several times yesterday.
Rosie called me on it - said, "Mom, why are you talking like that to
Roxana?" I really didn't even feel as cranky or sharp as it seems to
have sounded to them.

I had a distressing day - started early and included seeing someone
die in the street - someone in a wheelchair just suddenly careened
off the sidewalk into the street and collapsed. Several people jumped
out of cars to help - I was the next car back and didn't get out
because I could see they were unable to do anything for her and had
already called 911. I had my daughter and nephew with me and it was
pretty awful, just sitting there (we were blocked in). I also had
spent the morning at my nephew's private Christian school where they
clearly taught the kids that only Christians could really love their
country and that our freedom in this country is based on the Bible
and on and on. It was depressing and unsettling to sit there. Then I
ran around to look for pretty hair clips/barrettes for Rosie who is
going to a "winter formal" tonight and THAT was stressful because I
didn't understand what she wanted, it was last minute rushed, I've
already spent a lot more money on this dance than I'd realized it
would cost when she first accepted the invitation. And I've had a
cold, on top of all that. And I hurt my knee playing Dance Dance
Revolution last week and I'd thought it was getting better, but it
had started hurting a lot again and my whole leg was aching. I was
feeling pressured and unsettled and unhealthy. And I was ignoring all
that and just shoving it down all day while carrying on driving kids
here and there, taking my nephew out to lunch (it was "Grandparents
Day" at his school - so I was a stand-in since he has no living
grandparents).

So then, late last night, I was finally home and the house was a mess
and I was too tired to straighten up so I was sitting in the mess
feeling annoyed that other people had made such a big mess and not
cleaned up.

And Rosie was asking me to put her hair up in curlers but we couldn't
find the curlers - this was about midnight and I'd been up and on the
go since 7 am. Roxana thought the curlers were in her room - she
went to look after being asked several times - was in there about a
minute and came out saying she couldn't find them.

THAT is when I was sharp with her - I said, "Could you look harder?"
She said, "I DID look and I couldn't find them." I said, "You could
look harder - you were only in there about a minute and a half."

Rosie said, "MOM - why are you talking like that to Roxana?"

And 20 minutes later when we were in the other room, she said, again,
"You talked really mean to Roxana."

I really wasn't even aware of it, at the time. I was so tired. And
what I'd said was so much LESS than what I was thinking - I was
THINKING - "Sheesh - you sat here all day and played on your computer
and didn't even pick up the messes that were sitting right in front
of you. Could you at least put a little effort into helping find the
curlers?"

I was drained. I wanted to do all this stuff lovingly and sweetly,
but I was worn out. I woke up this morning STILL feeling tired and
drained.

I'm human AND I make mistakes and sometimes I get in over my head and
try to do too much. That's my weakness - it is my fault. It is my
problem.

My kids want to do a lot and they want me involved. I don't always
anticipate what the pacing is going to be like - things come up.
Sometimes the littlest thing is what really stresses me out - like
finding hair clips at the last minute, stores were closing, we had
only a small window of time and I didn't know what she really wanted
- I was on the cell phone in a store with her trying to explain it to
me. Frustration.

So--- I've written all that out because I don't want to come off
sounding like I think I'm perfect.

Here is what I'm doing about it. FIIRST - recognizing that this was
my problem. I am at fault in that I didn't schedule well. I could
tell myself that it wasn't my fault - I couldn't have anticipated
much of what stressed me out - couldn't have planned for sitting in
the car with two kids watching someone lie dead in the street,
obviously. Couldn't anticipate that the girl doing Rosie's hair would
suddenly need hair clips. I could blame LOTS of other people. But,
truth is, I KNOW myself - ONLY I know what I can handle. I am
responsible for building in enough time in my day for unexpected
things to happen and not leave us super rushed. I am responsible for
taking care of myself well enough that I can handle these kinds of
stresses. I am the only person who could have known that when I left
my nephew's school program that I was distressed over it. Nobody else
could have possibly known that what I really needed at that point was
to go home and straighten up the house and have a cup of tea and
maybe read this list a bit. I was the only person who could know what
I needed. So it makes no sense at all to blame anybody else or even
to blame circumstances. I know that It was ME - I got myself into too
much for one day. Recognizing and accepting that is a huge step.
Without that step, I'd make the same mistake over and over. Also, it
helps me to look back and realize how many choices there were,
throughout the day. I made some good ones and some bad ones. AND the
whole day wasn't awful - there were many good parts to it.

SECOND - today I will apologize for being cranky last night. I can't
undo it and will have regret that an apology won't wipe out, but
it'll help for the kids to know that I am sorry, that it isn't how I
want to be with them, and that it isn't THEM who brought it on.

THIRD - I recognize that I used to have days like yesterday FAR more
frequently. In fact, underneath the crankiness was anger at myself
because it felt like I'd regressed to a more stressful way of living
that I'd left behind quite a while ago. There were little hardly
conscious unformed thoughts like "Didn't you learn anything?" "How
could you have done this again?" Self-recrimination all day long, off
and on. But, the truth is, I hardly EVER have days like that anymore
- I learned a lot about myself over the years and know how to keep
far more centered and calm and happy. I know much more about what
kind of pacing works well in my family and our lives are GOOD. I'm
not falling back into old habits just because I had one day that had
a bunch of bad moments.

FOURTH - I know what I need to do and as soon as I finish this email,
the next thing I'll do will be a preemptive strike against one of the
things that can get me stressed. I'm going to wash the dishes. I'm
going to ENJOY getting the kitchen all cleaned up - anticipating
feeling that warm water flow over my hands and seeing the shiny sink
at the end. It'll feel good to DO it and it'll feel good to have it
done. Sounds trivial - wash the dishes - but I know myself and know
that that will be a head-clearing move for me - a good way to start
the day (yeah - it is almost 11 am and everybody else is still
asleep). I'm going to smile as each person wakes up - make tea for
Cyrus, make breakfast for the kids. I'm going to straighten up the
house.

FIFTH - I'm going to have a really low-key day - not going to do much
other than putter around the house, cleaning up, hanging out.
Recovery from yesterday might take a couple of days and I'm going to
GIVE myself that time - make sure i get it. I know it is important.

This was long. But I thought it might be useful for those just
starting out on this journey to know that those of us who sound like
we have all the answers, sometimes, also have struggles and how we
have learned to respond. T

here is a line in a song in a show Roxana is doing - so I've been
hearing this song frequently -

"Shoot the moon, shoot the moon. Life is hard and gone to soon."

It keeps going through my head.

It means:
Give it all you've got - get everything out of life that you can -
take risks, don't be timid, LIVE your life fully. Life WILL give you
some problems - things happen. But you don't have infinite time.

I think it is a good point. We don't have infinite time - we WILL
have to deal with problems in life - but all the MORE reason to let
GO of negative patterns that aren't working for us and take each
moment as important and make those minute-by-minute choices that will
give us a better life.

-pam








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.

Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: <http://www.unschooling.info>



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

a.. Visit your group "UnschoolingDiscussion" on the web.

b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------




------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.23/243 - Release Date: 1/27/2006


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.

Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: <http://www.unschooling.info>



SPONSORED LINKS Graduate school education High school education Home school education
Middle school education New york school education School education in california


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

a.. Visit your group "UnschoolingDiscussion" on the web.

b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------




------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.14.23/243 - Release Date: 1/27/2006


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Betsy Hill

**I also had
spent the morning at my nephew's private Christian school where they
clearly taught the kids that only Christians could really love their
country and that our freedom in this country is based on the Bible
and on and on. It was depressing and unsettling to sit there.**

I was just wondering if it has been exceptionally hard to be a
non-Christian recently? Particularly there seems to be quite a bit of
thoughtless anti-Islamic sentiment floating around that one could
randomly bump into that must be dreadful. Is that kind of ugliness
something that you see in real life, or in the media, that creates extra
grief for you?

I was just thinking that sometimes our little grinchinesses have a more
profound unhappiness underneath.

Betsy

Betsy Hill

** What has helped for me it to notice how lucky i am. One time i was
in a traffic jam, and was starting to get really irritated...how
dare all these other cars keep me from being where i need to be??
But then i took a deep breath and thought "At least i have a running
car, a full tank of gas, a nice cold drink, music to listen to....it
could be worse!!"**

Yes.

When I get stuck in traffic, I sometimes focus on being grateful that I
remembered to pee before I left the house!

Other times, I repeat inspirational statements, sometimes
semi-humorously. (It's okay if you can't always keep a straight face.)

It's gonna sound dopey, but I quote Clarence the angel (from the famous
Xmas movie) and I tell myself "You see, George, you really had a
wonderful life."

(This may work better if your name is really George.) <g>

Betsy

**He has a way of phrasing things that tend to
make me want to throw things at him (we have pretty opposite
personalities)...what has helped tremendously for me is realize how
much worse it could be....some "ex's" cause ALOT of problems for
unschooling moms, and he doesnt. So i just breathe through most of
it...**

And the same technique works with our mother's and m-i-l-s and even nosy
neighbors. It's a great coping mechanism.

Cally Brown

Dear Pam.....

>So--- I've written all that out because I don't want to come off
>sounding like I think I'm perfect.
>

Another blessing for your children - they won't be lumbered with the
thought in future years that "Mom was perfect, SHE never got cranky -
why can't I be perfect like her?" Nobody is perfect of course, but there
are plenty of mothers who pretend they are, who don't apologise for
anything, always make the problem out to be their kid's fault. I know
all about that - I had a mother who absolutely NEVER apologised for
anything.

We all need to aspire to be the best we can, but most of all we need to
be real. I has taken me many decades to even get close to deciphering
the reality of me from the labels and blame my mother put on me, thus
distorting my self image.

Give me an imperfect mother who owns up to and apologises for her
imperfections any day, over one who pretends (to her self as well as to
her children) that she's perfect and that it's the kids at fault.

Cally

Ren Allen

"Stopping yourself from acting on anger is different from stopping
yourself from feeling anger.

Eventually, anger won't be so quick to well up."

Yes, exactly.

I think that simply NOTICING emotions, allowing them to be felt and
staying with them for a while causes them to subside...at least the
initial strong emotion.
After you stay with it for a while and simply notice it, there is some
space built in for "right action".

When I tried to stop myself from feeling certain things, it seemed I
was constantly at war with myself and feeling guilty for NOT being
able to control it all. So I quit trying to control myself and just
started NOTICING. That noticing, or pausing is what bought me a moment
to breathe, or to think more clearly and NOT react instantly.

Then slowly, the anger doesn't come as quickly and you're starting to
truly FEEL more calmness.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Ren Allen

"Feeling undervalued
is huge. What do you with *that*? Do you then just
notice it? Or do you talk about it? Or...what?"

Ah, good one.

Well, I have a lot of internal dialogues with myself!:)
The answer is; it depends. Most of the time, the feeling of being
undervalued or unappreciated is MY issue. After the initial angst
subsides, I evaluate.
Are people truly treating me poorly? Did my child or spouse act
truly disrespectfully to me (because that IS worth addressing at some
point, when you aren't angry). Is something from my past surfacing?
Or maybe, it was all completely innocent and I'm letting a LOT of
filtering happen to reality.

Here's the reality about most of this stuff (for me)...
my children are happily pursuing what matters most to them at the
moment, not concerned with anything beyond the activity they are
involved in. What a lovely way to live!

So when I start to react internally (let's use mess as an example,
since it's MY issue:) I begin to look around, see all that mess as a
bunch of healthy, happy people pursuing LIFE and realize that it has
NOTHING to do with me.
They aren't making mess to bother anyone, they aren't leaving stuff
about to try and cause angst or because they don't care....it's
because they live in the moment.
My dh doesn't put something in the wrong place, or treat it
differently than I would because he wants to aggravate me...people
don't do that in healthy relationships! People inadvertently do
things that might annoy someone else, seeing it as innocent and
unintended helps me own the experience and not blame.

If something is painfully obvious, I will point it out.."HEY, those
wrappers belong in the garbage, not on my floor" but as I'm saying it,
I'm also picking them up. They get it over time, and as they get older.

Markus noticed dishes that were sitting on the table today, after kids
were off doing other things. I started cleaning up and he says "are
they helping?"
I said "often and happily, but not this mess right now"
"Well, I know, I just want to make sure they aren't leaving it all to you"
My honest answer was: "you know what? I would much rather clean up the
parts they don't care for and have the cheerful, sweet help coming
from true desire that I'm getting all the time"

He got it. He's really getting so much better about the clean up
issues...something that has taken a lot longer than all his other shifts.

So yeah, sometimes I ask for help, sometimes I get annoyed, but I'm
owning those feelings more and more and blaming others for them less
and less. That's a huge part of mindfulness for me.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Betsy Hill

**and I recommended he read "Parent Teen Breakthrough....". hen he told
me he had never heard of the book...**

We watched the movie Ice Princess today. While we watched, I wanted to
take that book [Parent Teen Breakthrough] and whap the mom character
(played by Joan Cusack) upside the head with it, because she didn't want
to allow her daughter to experiment w. developing her own identity.

(Now I need to read an inspiring book about mastering my violent
impulses. <g>)

Betsy

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 28, 2006, at 11:35 AM, Betsy Hill wrote:

> But what if a person feels undervalued because she's also one of the
> people putting herself down all the time? It's a good idea for us to
> put some effort into admiring and appreciating ourselves. If we are
> really down on ourselves, that can make a hole that's too big for
> anyone
> else to fill.

==============

And make sure you're being loveable, too, not just 'valuable,'
because moms and wives risk falling into that trap people get into
where they say "they don't pay me enough to do a good job," at which
point they're being paid too much and should be fired. If a person
feels undervalued and so is sabotaging things and leaving things
undone so people will notice that they weren't the ones doing it but
someone else was (like a little unannounced strike), or if someone is
subtly (maybe even unconsciously) being mean because she feels
unappreciated, it will be harder for others to appreciate her.
They'll be stung by the meanness.

I feel like I'm rambling and it reminds me I should go and make
dinner!! <g>

I just got back from taking Holly to a thrift store for a cowboy
shirt and before that I helped Kirby make a cake. He wanted to make
a cake from scratch but had never done it. And he needed to make two
batches because he wanted different layers. And I'm really really
tired, but if I don't feed them they'll just know they're hungry.

I'm not accusing anyone but me of failing to do the right thing
concerning underappreciation.

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 28, 2006, at 4:19 PM, Ren Allen wrote:

> Markus noticed dishes that were sitting on the table today, after kids
> were off doing other things. I started cleaning up and he says "are
> they helping?"

=========================

I hope Markus was really busy that day, so busy he couldn't get up
and help you clean.
I wish he'd been so busy he didn't have time to ask if the kids were
helping. <g>

But I'm not there and I don't even know the guy... just if *I* were
writing the sitcom I'd've given you some good comeback lines.

Luckily it wasn't a sitcom, though, and you said a good thing and he
got it. <g>

Sandra

Ren Allen

"I wish he'd been so busy he didn't have time to ask if the kids were
helping. <g>"

Yeah, he kinda has been otherwise occupied lately. I think that's
actually part of the ticket though...he feels a twinge of guilt for
not helping more (when he's not busy, he does most of the cleaning)
and instead of saying that, he asks if I'm getting help! Kinda silly,
but I think he feels better if he knows someone is helping me.

The more I smile and say something vaguely sweet, the more he gets it.
Clean up is the last hold out, the ONE thing he's had a harder time
wrapping his mind around.

Thankfully, he says it to ME and not the kids. I can deflect, deflect,
deflect...

And more and more, he just jumps in and cleans, rather than saying
anything. I can't even remember the last time he fussed at a kid. So
this is huge improvement.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com