denise

This is what we used to do in regards to our 4 year old and bedtime:
1) watch for sleepy signs
2)then bring him up to his room (this would usually turn out to be around the same time
every night-between 7;10 and 7:30 p.m.)
3)read books, listen to tapes, sing songs, talk-his choice-until he fell asleep.

Normally he would fall asleep within 2 to 20 mins.
Not bad, probably. He had a *bedtime* but it wasn't arbitrary.

Regardless, he would *fight* sleeping almost every night.
Even when his eyes were closing he would fight it and say, "mom didn't you know? this is
how i sleep. with my eyes open" and "mom, i wasn't sleeping, i was just pretending." :)
There would also be lots of restlessness, and sometimes yelling.
Almost always he fell asleep quickly, but lately it had been taking 40 mins to an hour.

Two things happened for me
-I thought maybe I need to change the bedtime, that I was *missing* his sleepy signals,
and/or
-that maybe now was the time to *lift* a *bedtime* guided by us.

My husband and I decided it was time to lift the bedtime.
We recognized that Marley has a really difficult time accepting when he is tired, he
recognizes it but fights fights FIGHTS it, and we wanted to help him get to a place where
he felt comfortable and o.k. with being sleepy and could/would tell US when he was tired
and wanted to go to bed.

We have an older son, Sett, who is 10 1/2 who stays up till he decides he's ready for bed
and has been doing that for awhile now. (about 8 months, i think).
We don't feel comfortable with Mars being downstairs either alone or with his brother for
what could be long periods of time without us.
They get along really well but Sett is not ready (his determination which was also our
guess)to be alone with Mars on that level.
What we came up with was that Mars can stay downstairs as long as one of us (me or my
husband) are also down there.
After that, he has the choice of either coming up to our room with us where he can watch
t.v. or read or draw or whatever he wants that is on the quieter side of things till he falls
asleep
or
he can go to his room with one of us and do the same kinds of things till he falls asleep.

He can also tell us when he's sleepy and or fall asleep down with us and then we'd take
him up.

The first night Mars fell asleep watching t.v (12:30 a.m.). and my husband, Adam, took
him up sometime after.

The second night Mars said he was sleepy and ready to go up when Sett said he was ready
to go up(1:30 a.m.), but ended up fighting sleep once he was up there and saying he
wasn't ready so my husband brought him back down and he fell asleep playing mega man.

Last night my husband was ready to go up. (Adam and I had talked about being aware of
when it was about 20-30 mins before we were absolutely ready to go to bed so that we
could help Mars transition from being downstairs to being upstairs.)
At 12:30 a.m. he started giving Marley time to adjust saying things like "Mars, We're going
up in 30 mins, in 20 mins, in 10, in 5, in 3...". (This is what has worked best, transitions-
wise, for my guys in the past, giving time *warnings* so they know it's coming.)
Adam had been asking Marley what and where he would like to do/go-our room, his
room, books, gameboy, etc., but Mars was not interested in deciding.
So when the time came to go up, Mars freaked out and started screaming and yelling and
kicking and refused to go up.
I had been asleep but woke up when I heard him and came down. I sat with him on the
couch and held him and listened to him and he told me how he was feeling and I listened
and gave him hugs and kisses. After he was in a calmner space, i started talking wiht him
about what his options were-of either our room or his and which did he want but he got
really upset again. Eventually I told him I was bringing him up to his room. He was still
screaming and was pretty upset and I laid him in his bed and laid with him untill he fell
asleep about 5 minutes later. Even as he was falling asleep he was saying "mom, i'm so
annoyed with you" . (All of this, from when i came down to when he fell asleep, took about
20 mins.)

What do i do now??? What did I do wrong??? We are working on putting a t.v. in the boy's
room as soon as we can,
but other than that I don't know what else to do.
Am I starting this too early?
Is it that I've started this too late?
Help. Please :)

queenjane555

I think others will probably have more specific, helpful advice. But i
didnt want to comment that when my son was around that age, he always
got more intense, more wound-up, more "awake" RIGHT before he'd fall
asleep. If it seemed like he was "bouncing off the walls" or getting
super hyper sleep was sure to follow soon. It helped to do something
like lying in bed reading a book, or turning down the lights and
watching a video, because that would often induce sleep. Sometimes
though, if it seemed like we've read for awhile and he still wasnt
sleeping, it meant it was too soon, and we got back up again. But he
did "fight sleep" until the last possible moment.


Katherine

Sandra Dodd

On Dec 15, 2005, at 7:42 AM, denise wrote:

> What do i do now??? What did I do wrong??? We are working on
> putting a t.v. in the boy's
> room as soon as we can,
> but other than that I don't know what else to do.


I think it would have been wrong to train him to go to sleep without
protest by the clock. Maybe not "wrong" right now, but in the
longrun it would create in him the desire to be up, sneak to get up,
stay up until daylight, and being up would be seen as "mature" and
adult, and going to sleep would seem babyish. That's not healthy,
yet college kids everywhere show those symptoms.


Even without a TV, can you get a CD player or tape player and find
soothing stories or quiet music?

Can you rock him to sleep or let him fall asleep next to you on the
couch and leave him there, covered up? Maybe he would like to fall
asleep where people are and just stay there.

> Am I starting this too early?
> Is it that I've started this too late?

You already don't have "a bedtime" as in a time by the clock that he
"has to" go to bed, so when you say "started this" try to think
clearly of what "this" is, to you. And give it time. It will be
less new and he'll be less young every day.

Sandra