Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Generously Understanding
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-=-I feel that we have done so much and it is so often unappreciated. Maybe looking for any appreciation is the thing I am doing wrong.-=-
I talk to my kids sometimes about why they should be nice to others even if the others aren't nice to them. When they're nice, that makes them nicer. When they're patient, they're more patient people right then and there, without anyone else's confirmation or praise or acknowledgement.
I have sometimes (every couple of months, any more, but more frequently years ago) feel unappreciated and sometimes I blow and say something (usually to Kirby), but it rarely-to-never helps. I might induce guilt, and it might feel better to say that while I'm talking, but it doesn't make him really love me more, I'm sure. It makes me a crazier person in his memories. He WILL have memories of me blowing my cool and saying something intended to cut his feelings. And sometimes others will do that to me too, or each other, but because we're all pretty good at apologizing and then trying to make amends, it doesn't build up too much.
When I'm patient, I'm a more patient person.
When I give to my kids, I'm a better mom than I would be if I said "FINE, if they won't help, dinner will be late," or "If they don't put this away, I'll just leave it out to be ruined" or those negative messages so many moms give to themselves in "that'll show 'em" fashion.
It helped me to decide to do what I'm doing because I want to, because it's better to do it than not to do it. That has to do with laundry and dishes and cleaning out the car and cleaning toilets. I want the toilet to be cleaner just because I'm a little happier when it's cleaner. On days when something else has priority over housework, I don't feel bad. My floor is dirty, but my kids are happy.
Sandra
Sandra
I talk to my kids sometimes about why they should be nice to others even if the others aren't nice to them. When they're nice, that makes them nicer. When they're patient, they're more patient people right then and there, without anyone else's confirmation or praise or acknowledgement.
I have sometimes (every couple of months, any more, but more frequently years ago) feel unappreciated and sometimes I blow and say something (usually to Kirby), but it rarely-to-never helps. I might induce guilt, and it might feel better to say that while I'm talking, but it doesn't make him really love me more, I'm sure. It makes me a crazier person in his memories. He WILL have memories of me blowing my cool and saying something intended to cut his feelings. And sometimes others will do that to me too, or each other, but because we're all pretty good at apologizing and then trying to make amends, it doesn't build up too much.
When I'm patient, I'm a more patient person.
When I give to my kids, I'm a better mom than I would be if I said "FINE, if they won't help, dinner will be late," or "If they don't put this away, I'll just leave it out to be ruined" or those negative messages so many moms give to themselves in "that'll show 'em" fashion.
It helped me to decide to do what I'm doing because I want to, because it's better to do it than not to do it. That has to do with laundry and dishes and cleaning out the car and cleaning toilets. I want the toilet to be cleaner just because I'm a little happier when it's cleaner. On days when something else has priority over housework, I don't feel bad. My floor is dirty, but my kids are happy.
Sandra
Sandra
nellebelle
>>>>My floor is dirty, but my kids are happy.>>>>Last night I said a dumb thing but got an awesome response. I was washing dishes and pondering in my brain that no matter how often I wash dishes there are always more dishes to wash. I'm feeling some pressure from dh about the house being messy and have some other things going on and was feeling overwhelmed. It seems that so much of keeping a house is only noticed when it isn't done. Out loud I said, "How can people tell if a house is well kept?"
Jackie (9) said, "When the people are happy."
That made me feel very good and I told her so.
Another thing I noticed lately is my reaction when my husband points out something that needs to be done. I periodically haul the recycling stuff to be recycled. In between times it piles up in a corner of the garage. The piles have gotten pretty big due to holidays and cold weather. Several times in the last month he has made a comment about the recycling needing to be done. I've simply said, "yes, it does." Never mind that he is capable of doing it if it bothers him that much. His pointing it out did NOT result in my rushing to do it asap. And, it made me feel bad! I certainly can see with my own eyes that it needs to be done. I've just been busy with other things and don't see it as a highest priority item.
It really gave me an aha moment of how my kids must feel if I make comments about their stuff. Surely they know when there are more clothes on the floor than in their drawers or toys scattered all over. It is much better if I can simply help pick it up when it gets to be too much for them.
Mary Ellen
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Barbara Chase
>Sometimes, when I feel like I am giving generously, they are simply takingI try to be generous because I *want* to be generous, not because I expect
>and not getting the idea that this is the way I would like them to treat
>one another.
anything as a result.
Barbara
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Heather Woodward
"When parents are generously understanding with children, children can become generously understanding with siblings and parents."
This really made me think. I have been having issues with my guys really being mean, unkind or manipulative with one another. Yelling at one another, or name calling, really irks me. I feel liek I have talked and talked about this with them - and nothing changes. I know my husband and I are not name calling and such. I find that I am called upon to be the referee at times between squabbles. Perhaps it is not the absence of meaness from me - but rather the lack of pure genorosity. In fact often I feel that we have done so much and it is so often unappreciated. Maybe looking for any appreciation is the thing I am doing wrong.
My younger daughter got a gift card for her birthday(she's 6) and we all went to Walmart. My older daughter and son had their own money and only my son brought his. So my daughter wanted a candy and then realized she forgot her money. The younger one quickly said "Oh, I'll buy it for you." I said that was really nice and maybe B could pay her back when we got home. So my younger one says "No that she would just buy it". Not 5 minutes after we are home - my older one is shrieking at the little one to get out of her room. Apparently, Lexi brought in some of her new games to play and then argued about who would be which piece, which developed into an argument, etc. I just don't get it. I used to think that these were sibling issues, and of course children have many issues that we as adults have, just haven't figured out a more acceptable way of dealing with them,
I just hope I am doing this right - and modeling the proper behaviors. Sometimes, when I feel like I am giving generously, they are simply taking and not getting the idea that this is the way I would like them to treat one another.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This really made me think. I have been having issues with my guys really being mean, unkind or manipulative with one another. Yelling at one another, or name calling, really irks me. I feel liek I have talked and talked about this with them - and nothing changes. I know my husband and I are not name calling and such. I find that I am called upon to be the referee at times between squabbles. Perhaps it is not the absence of meaness from me - but rather the lack of pure genorosity. In fact often I feel that we have done so much and it is so often unappreciated. Maybe looking for any appreciation is the thing I am doing wrong.
My younger daughter got a gift card for her birthday(she's 6) and we all went to Walmart. My older daughter and son had their own money and only my son brought his. So my daughter wanted a candy and then realized she forgot her money. The younger one quickly said "Oh, I'll buy it for you." I said that was really nice and maybe B could pay her back when we got home. So my younger one says "No that she would just buy it". Not 5 minutes after we are home - my older one is shrieking at the little one to get out of her room. Apparently, Lexi brought in some of her new games to play and then argued about who would be which piece, which developed into an argument, etc. I just don't get it. I used to think that these were sibling issues, and of course children have many issues that we as adults have, just haven't figured out a more acceptable way of dealing with them,
I just hope I am doing this right - and modeling the proper behaviors. Sometimes, when I feel like I am giving generously, they are simply taking and not getting the idea that this is the way I would like them to treat one another.
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diana jenner
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In the _Conversations with God_ books, the "God-voice" asserts we humans
have the whole concept of life backwards: We want to have patience
first, then we'll be able to act patiently, and after that process, we
will BE patient people. We're *supposed to* BE patient, DO patient
things and we will HAVE patience, the having part comes after we are
already in practice. When I'm feeling un/underappreciated, I work to BE
appreciative, SHOW my appreciation and suddenly I HAVE appreciation
[sustitute any important word: understanding, peaceful, calm, loving,
free]. It's even the banner on my cell phone: BE, DO, HAVE.
A great line from Hayden's latest poem:
When I am kind, I will know Love :)
I think of all the times I've reminded him (and the rest of us) how
important it is to model kindness for those who are unkind or without
kindness in their lives -- it has become a real thing for him. Be kind
to have Kindness in your life, love to have Love...
:) diana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>-=-I feel that we have done so much and it is so often unappreciated. Maybe looking for any appreciation is the thing I am doing wrong.-=-Chiming in late...
>
>
>I talk to my kids sometimes about why they should be nice to others even if the others aren't nice to them. When they're nice, that makes them nicer. When they're patient, they're more patient people right then and there, without anyone else's confirmation or praise or acknowledgement.
>...
>When I'm patient, I'm a more patient person.
>When I give to my kids, I'm a better mom than I would be if I said "FINE, if they won't help, dinner will be late," or "If they don't put this away, I'll just leave it out to be ruined" or those negative messages so many moms give to themselves in "that'll show 'em" fashion.
>
In the _Conversations with God_ books, the "God-voice" asserts we humans
have the whole concept of life backwards: We want to have patience
first, then we'll be able to act patiently, and after that process, we
will BE patient people. We're *supposed to* BE patient, DO patient
things and we will HAVE patience, the having part comes after we are
already in practice. When I'm feeling un/underappreciated, I work to BE
appreciative, SHOW my appreciation and suddenly I HAVE appreciation
[sustitute any important word: understanding, peaceful, calm, loving,
free]. It's even the banner on my cell phone: BE, DO, HAVE.
A great line from Hayden's latest poem:
When I am kind, I will know Love :)
I think of all the times I've reminded him (and the rest of us) how
important it is to model kindness for those who are unkind or without
kindness in their lives -- it has become a real thing for him. Be kind
to have Kindness in your life, love to have Love...
:) diana
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Angela S
<<< When I'm feeling un/underappreciated, I work to BE
appreciative, SHOW my appreciation and suddenly I HAVE appreciation
[sustitute any important word: understanding, peaceful, calm, loving,
free]. It's even the banner on my cell phone: BE, DO, HAVE. >>>
This was a timely reminder for me. I've been frustrated with my older
daughter today and I need to be kinder if for no other reason (although
there are a lot of other reasons) than to be able to feel like a kind
person. Thanks for the reminder.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
appreciative, SHOW my appreciation and suddenly I HAVE appreciation
[sustitute any important word: understanding, peaceful, calm, loving,
free]. It's even the banner on my cell phone: BE, DO, HAVE. >>>
This was a timely reminder for me. I've been frustrated with my older
daughter today and I need to be kinder if for no other reason (although
there are a lot of other reasons) than to be able to feel like a kind
person. Thanks for the reminder.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Laurel Santiago
My two girls are so loving and wonderful, that I feel guilty for the times that we tried to homeschool. I was so punitive and controlling. Now that we are more relaxed, my youngest wants to sit in my lap and give me kisses while I read to her, and my nine year old wants to take care of me when I'm sick or down. My girls have been sick for the last three days, and my five year old commented on how baggy my eyes looked. I told her that I had not been sleeping much since she had been sick. All of a sudden she put her hands over my eyes. I asked why she was covering my eyes, and she said sweetly, "Why, so you can go to sleep!" I though that was really a special moment. I think that children appreciate a lot more than we think they do.
Angela S <game-enthusiast@...> wrote:
<<< When I'm feeling un/underappreciated, I work to BE
appreciative, SHOW my appreciation and suddenly I HAVE appreciation
[sustitute any important word: understanding, peaceful, calm, loving,
free]. It's even the banner on my cell phone: BE, DO, HAVE. >>>
This was a timely reminder for me. I've been frustrated with my older
daughter today and I need to be kinder if for no other reason (although
there are a lot of other reasons) than to be able to feel like a kind
person. Thanks for the reminder.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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Angela S <game-enthusiast@...> wrote:
<<< When I'm feeling un/underappreciated, I work to BE
appreciative, SHOW my appreciation and suddenly I HAVE appreciation
[sustitute any important word: understanding, peaceful, calm, loving,
free]. It's even the banner on my cell phone: BE, DO, HAVE. >>>
This was a timely reminder for me. I've been frustrated with my older
daughter today and I need to be kinder if for no other reason (although
there are a lot of other reasons) than to be able to feel like a kind
person. Thanks for the reminder.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
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[email protected]
In a message dated 3/7/2005 4:58:41 PM Mountain Standard Time,
game-enthusiast@... writes:
This was a timely reminder for me. I've been frustrated with my older
daughter today and I need to be kinder if for no other reason (although
there are a lot of other reasons) than to be able to feel like a kind
person. Thanks for the reminder.
------------------------
Rather than contort it out to say be kind in order to be able to feel like a
kind person,
think of it as being kind TO BE KIND.
You're kind when you're kind.
If you're not REALLY being kind, but faking it, that's not being kind.
When it's sincere, you are kind RIGHT THEN, not when you think you're able
to feel it.
The biggest trap for me is that if I'm kind, really kind, but I find I was
secretly hoping that others would then immediately be just as kind to me, it
wasn't as pure a motive as I'd hoped.
I was resentful of Kirby a few weeks back and squawked at him a few times
about being nicer to his sister and to me. I would do it differently if I
could go back, but what I DID do, when I felt bad, was to begin to make up for it
(inside myself, not telling him so) by being more generous and more patient
and more supportive of him. It helped.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
game-enthusiast@... writes:
This was a timely reminder for me. I've been frustrated with my older
daughter today and I need to be kinder if for no other reason (although
there are a lot of other reasons) than to be able to feel like a kind
person. Thanks for the reminder.
------------------------
Rather than contort it out to say be kind in order to be able to feel like a
kind person,
think of it as being kind TO BE KIND.
You're kind when you're kind.
If you're not REALLY being kind, but faking it, that's not being kind.
When it's sincere, you are kind RIGHT THEN, not when you think you're able
to feel it.
The biggest trap for me is that if I'm kind, really kind, but I find I was
secretly hoping that others would then immediately be just as kind to me, it
wasn't as pure a motive as I'd hoped.
I was resentful of Kirby a few weeks back and squawked at him a few times
about being nicer to his sister and to me. I would do it differently if I
could go back, but what I DID do, when I felt bad, was to begin to make up for it
(inside myself, not telling him so) by being more generous and more patient
and more supportive of him. It helped.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]