Re: Mary's support group problem
deedeanne
Hi Mary,
I just wanted to say that Sandra's idea of a written apology and a
letter to the group about trying to avoid future situations are
great ideas.
Calling the police was an extreme response, and the comment that
conselors have been involved, indicate that there may be more going
on with this mother and son than meets the eye.
We have a neighbor that called the police after her son gave the
finger to my son and his friends riding by on their bikes. They gave
it back. I was sitting in the driveway with my little ones and saw
it all. A few minutes later, the mom came out yelling, "This
harrassment has got to stop, or I'm gonna call the cops." She
proceeded to tell me how the boys had given her son the finger "for
no reason." She couldn't see from her window that her son did it
first. Anyway, I set her straight, and she didn't like that. About
15 minutes later, the police were at her house taking her complaint.
This mother has called the police at least 6 times in the last year
on various children in the neighborhood. Her son is unable to get
along with anyone in the neighborhood, and her way of working it out
has been to make him a victim, and look to the police to "solve" the
problem.
I have no idea if your situation is the same, but talking to other
group members, and working to improve the dynamics of the group can
only help. Maybe other group members have had similar experiences
with this child/parent, or concerns about playground sharing that
they want to address too. Also, having a written apology on file is
good for legal purposes. (The police call scared us alot. We called
our brother who is a lawyer and he told us to just keep a written
record of everything. That would be the best thing to do. That, and
of course, stay away from the kid, which I already emphasized!)
Most importantly, I agree with others who suggest maybe skipping the
park days if your child is not enjoying it. But talk about it first.
Find out if there were more guidelines about sharing, if parents
jumped in more to help resolve conflicts sooner, if he would enjoy
it more. If there is anything that would make it better for your
child, find out what it is. If not, maybe it's time to take a break.
Best of luck to you!
Deanne
I just wanted to say that Sandra's idea of a written apology and a
letter to the group about trying to avoid future situations are
great ideas.
Calling the police was an extreme response, and the comment that
conselors have been involved, indicate that there may be more going
on with this mother and son than meets the eye.
We have a neighbor that called the police after her son gave the
finger to my son and his friends riding by on their bikes. They gave
it back. I was sitting in the driveway with my little ones and saw
it all. A few minutes later, the mom came out yelling, "This
harrassment has got to stop, or I'm gonna call the cops." She
proceeded to tell me how the boys had given her son the finger "for
no reason." She couldn't see from her window that her son did it
first. Anyway, I set her straight, and she didn't like that. About
15 minutes later, the police were at her house taking her complaint.
This mother has called the police at least 6 times in the last year
on various children in the neighborhood. Her son is unable to get
along with anyone in the neighborhood, and her way of working it out
has been to make him a victim, and look to the police to "solve" the
problem.
I have no idea if your situation is the same, but talking to other
group members, and working to improve the dynamics of the group can
only help. Maybe other group members have had similar experiences
with this child/parent, or concerns about playground sharing that
they want to address too. Also, having a written apology on file is
good for legal purposes. (The police call scared us alot. We called
our brother who is a lawyer and he told us to just keep a written
record of everything. That would be the best thing to do. That, and
of course, stay away from the kid, which I already emphasized!)
Most importantly, I agree with others who suggest maybe skipping the
park days if your child is not enjoying it. But talk about it first.
Find out if there were more guidelines about sharing, if parents
jumped in more to help resolve conflicts sooner, if he would enjoy
it more. If there is anything that would make it better for your
child, find out what it is. If not, maybe it's time to take a break.
Best of luck to you!
Deanne
[email protected]
Sandra, your idea ia exactly what I have been searching for. A way to apologize and move past the fight and also let the group know what has happened. I do have a sample of a letter I think I will send to the mom, would you add more to it,
Dear Sabrina and Leo,
I would like to apologize for Riley�s involvement in the conflict between Riley and Leo which took place Thursday afternoon, Dec. 16th. I am very sorry you and Leo left the park before the boys had a chance to talk through what had happened. I hope in the future when conflict arises we will be able to handle these situations in the moment and part confident that each of us is helping our children learn to live together.
At this point I'm not sure where to go. I do what to keep this simple. I'll have to decide if I want to hand deliver this and possibly get involved in dialog with her or through the mail, what do you think? At this point I think she is pretty fired up towards me and I really do not want to have my kids around a mother with so much angst kicking. .
Thank you for the ideas, this is just what I wanted. I have yet to act on this and have not called her or seen her. I was the only eye witness parent, though some 5 year old kids were near by. I am so shocked she felt I didn't sound concerned. I think she wanted to see me yell and scold him in public and force him to say sorry when he was still really mad. I have learned to let my son cool off alone, he is that type and he knows when he is ready to come back and deal with what he created. I left him sitting under a tree collecting his thoughts. I also was busily gathering my stuff because I needed to pick up my older daughter and was now late.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Dear Sabrina and Leo,
I would like to apologize for Riley�s involvement in the conflict between Riley and Leo which took place Thursday afternoon, Dec. 16th. I am very sorry you and Leo left the park before the boys had a chance to talk through what had happened. I hope in the future when conflict arises we will be able to handle these situations in the moment and part confident that each of us is helping our children learn to live together.
At this point I'm not sure where to go. I do what to keep this simple. I'll have to decide if I want to hand deliver this and possibly get involved in dialog with her or through the mail, what do you think? At this point I think she is pretty fired up towards me and I really do not want to have my kids around a mother with so much angst kicking. .
Thank you for the ideas, this is just what I wanted. I have yet to act on this and have not called her or seen her. I was the only eye witness parent, though some 5 year old kids were near by. I am so shocked she felt I didn't sound concerned. I think she wanted to see me yell and scold him in public and force him to say sorry when he was still really mad. I have learned to let my son cool off alone, he is that type and he knows when he is ready to come back and deal with what he created. I left him sitting under a tree collecting his thoughts. I also was busily gathering my stuff because I needed to pick up my older daughter and was now late.
Mary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/28/04 11:12:02 AM, mfhickman@... writes:
<< At this point I'm not sure where to go. I do what to keep this simple.
I'll have to decide if I want to hand deliver this and possibly get involved in
dialog with her or through the mail, what do you think? >>
Mail.
And keep a paper copy with a note on the date it went into the actual mail.
Before you forget the details, too, w
Zte down exact place and time and maybe some witnesses, just in case.
Because IF it comes to something down the road, the person who says "I don't
remember when, exactly" pretty easily loses to the person who can say "1:45 on
December 17th."
And if you're going to write a companion letter to others in the group, maybe
that should go at the same time so she can't call and say "She wrote me and
blah blah" before they hear from you.
-=-I left him sitting under a tree collecting his thoughts. I also was busily
gathering my stuff because I needed to pick up my older daughter and was now
late.
-=-
So would it have seemed to her as though you were bailing out and not
intending to follow-through? Are any of those five year olds known well enough to
you that their opinions or accounts would help you?
Sandra
<< At this point I'm not sure where to go. I do what to keep this simple.
I'll have to decide if I want to hand deliver this and possibly get involved in
dialog with her or through the mail, what do you think? >>
Mail.
And keep a paper copy with a note on the date it went into the actual mail.
Before you forget the details, too, w
Zte down exact place and time and maybe some witnesses, just in case.
Because IF it comes to something down the road, the person who says "I don't
remember when, exactly" pretty easily loses to the person who can say "1:45 on
December 17th."
And if you're going to write a companion letter to others in the group, maybe
that should go at the same time so she can't call and say "She wrote me and
blah blah" before they hear from you.
-=-I left him sitting under a tree collecting his thoughts. I also was busily
gathering my stuff because I needed to pick up my older daughter and was now
late.
-=-
So would it have seemed to her as though you were bailing out and not
intending to follow-through? Are any of those five year olds known well enough to
you that their opinions or accounts would help you?
Sandra
mamaaj2000
--- In [email protected], mfhickman@c... wrote:
sorry when he was still really mad.
Yep. I had a run-in with a nut a couple years ago and it wasn't
enough that I picked my son up when he hit her son (they were two),
it wasn't enough that I said it looked liked we would have to leave
because he was just not in control, etc. The only thing that would
have been enough in her eyes was me hitting him and of course the
reason he was misbehaving was because I didn't hit him. She was
shocked and horrified that her child had been hit...and of course her
kids were hitting all the other kids a few minutes after we did
leave...just nuts.
The really weird thing? She called me a few days later to
apologize...but for some weird little part of what she'd said and
done. Then she listed all the things she still felt she was
completely right about.
I ended up not hanging out with a few other people because they kept
inviting her to playgroups because they felt sorry for her. I felt
bad for her kids, but not bad enough to expose my kids to her...
--aj
> I am so shocked she felt I didn't sound concerned. I think shewanted to see me yell and scold him in public and force him to say
sorry when he was still really mad.
Yep. I had a run-in with a nut a couple years ago and it wasn't
enough that I picked my son up when he hit her son (they were two),
it wasn't enough that I said it looked liked we would have to leave
because he was just not in control, etc. The only thing that would
have been enough in her eyes was me hitting him and of course the
reason he was misbehaving was because I didn't hit him. She was
shocked and horrified that her child had been hit...and of course her
kids were hitting all the other kids a few minutes after we did
leave...just nuts.
The really weird thing? She called me a few days later to
apologize...but for some weird little part of what she'd said and
done. Then she listed all the things she still felt she was
completely right about.
I ended up not hanging out with a few other people because they kept
inviting her to playgroups because they felt sorry for her. I felt
bad for her kids, but not bad enough to expose my kids to her...
--aj
pam sorooshian
On Dec 28, 2004, at 10:10 AM, mfhickman@... wrote:
cool off before we could "deal with" anything! Other parents several
times demanded that I make her try to resolve a problem right then and
felt I was unconcerned because I left her alone. I've NEVER been
"unconcerned" when it comes to my kids - but I have often "acted" a bit
nonchalant in order to help her cool down enough to be ABLE to work
things out. ME getting all upset and tense never helps HER be able to
be calmer.
-pam
> I am so shocked she felt I didn't sound concerned. I think she wantedI've been there, Mary. My middle daughter always needed time alone to
> to see me yell and scold him in public and force him to say sorry when
> he was still really mad. I have learned to let my son cool off alone,
> he is that type and he knows when he is ready to come back and deal
> with what he created. I left him sitting under a tree collecting his
> thoughts. I also was busily gathering my stuff because I needed to
> pick up my older daughter and was now late.
cool off before we could "deal with" anything! Other parents several
times demanded that I make her try to resolve a problem right then and
felt I was unconcerned because I left her alone. I've NEVER been
"unconcerned" when it comes to my kids - but I have often "acted" a bit
nonchalant in order to help her cool down enough to be ABLE to work
things out. ME getting all upset and tense never helps HER be able to
be calmer.
-pam
Cerridwen Lorelei
Maybe you could send it via registered mail where she has to sign for it so you *know* she got it? Thus avoiding a further scene?
Jennie
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In a message dated 12/28/04 2:14:50 PM, cerridwenlorelei13@... writes:
<< Maybe you could send it via registered mail where she has to sign for it
so you *know* she got it? Thus avoiding a further scene? >>
She might have to drive to the post office for that, though. It would piss
me off if someone sent me something like that.
Maybe you could take it when you know she's not home, or really late at night
and tape it (well) to the door (if there's no mail slot or other
safe-by-the-door receptable) so it can't blow away.
Sad situation all the way around, and I'm sorry you've had to experience any
of it.
Sandra
<< Maybe you could send it via registered mail where she has to sign for it
so you *know* she got it? Thus avoiding a further scene? >>
She might have to drive to the post office for that, though. It would piss
me off if someone sent me something like that.
Maybe you could take it when you know she's not home, or really late at night
and tape it (well) to the door (if there's no mail slot or other
safe-by-the-door receptable) so it can't blow away.
Sad situation all the way around, and I'm sorry you've had to experience any
of it.
Sandra
Cerridwen Lorelei
I would be annoyed to but if this mother called the police ( and I am guessing she neglected to mention that her child tackled Mary's ..) **I* personally would want proof of that letter being delivered if things end up going to court. That way at least it shows that I "tried' kwim?
But to each his own ..
Jennie
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 12/28/04 2:14:50 PM, cerridwenlorelei13@... writes:
<< Maybe you could send it via registered mail where she has to sign for it
so you *know* she got it? Thus avoiding a further scene? >>
She might have to drive to the post office for that, though. It would piss
me off if someone sent me something like that.
Maybe you could take it when you know she's not home, or really late at night
and tape it (well) to the door (if there's no mail slot or other
safe-by-the-door receptable) so it can't blow away.
Sad situation all the way around, and I'm sorry you've had to experience any
of it.
Sandra
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But to each his own ..
Jennie
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 12/28/04 2:14:50 PM, cerridwenlorelei13@... writes:
<< Maybe you could send it via registered mail where she has to sign for it
so you *know* she got it? Thus avoiding a further scene? >>
She might have to drive to the post office for that, though. It would piss
me off if someone sent me something like that.
Maybe you could take it when you know she's not home, or really late at night
and tape it (well) to the door (if there's no mail slot or other
safe-by-the-door receptable) so it can't blow away.
Sad situation all the way around, and I'm sorry you've had to experience any
of it.
Sandra
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
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Robyn Coburn
<<<<She might have to drive to the post office for that, though.>>>>>
Would she? They bring Registered mail to the door where I live, and try
again if they miss you.
There is a "delivere"d receipt that the sender can request (and pay some
small amount for). I've seen the form at the post office.
Robyn L. Coburn
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Would she? They bring Registered mail to the door where I live, and try
again if they miss you.
There is a "delivere"d receipt that the sender can request (and pay some
small amount for). I've seen the form at the post office.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.822 / Virus Database: 560 - Release Date: 12/22/2004
Rodney and Rebecca Atherton
>Dear Sabrina and Leo,Did someone already suggest sending a copy to the police too? Just to show
that you are the one who doesn't chose to call the police, but to resolve
matters on your own, like an adult? I would also apologize to the police on
her behalf, I'm sure they have better things to do than to manage playground
fights between SEVEN year olds. Maybe they are already familiar with her
and roll their eyes when she calls.
I like how you said that it is important to model conflict resolution to
children, instead of avoiding conflict. Conflict is a part of life and the
conflict itself is not bad, but how you handle it can be.
R
Cerridwen Lorelei
still have to go to the po though
Delivery confirmation I think is what you are thinking of ?
Robyn Coburn <dezigna@...> wrote:
<<<>>>>
Would she? They bring Registered mail to the door where I live, and try
again if they miss you.
There is a "delivere"d receipt that the sender can request (and pay some
small amount for). I've seen the form at the post office.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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Delivery confirmation I think is what you are thinking of ?
Robyn Coburn <dezigna@...> wrote:
<<<>>>>
Would she? They bring Registered mail to the door where I live, and try
again if they miss you.
There is a "delivere"d receipt that the sender can request (and pay some
small amount for). I've seen the form at the post office.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.822 / Virus Database: 560 - Release Date: 12/22/2004
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jimpetersonl
They deliver to the door here, too.
Though having a bit of inconvenience might be a good thing in this
case (I'm sure it wasn't convenient for Mary to have cops on her
doorstep), to demonstrate her willingness to treat it seriously, as
well as the added assurance that it actually arrived.
(The serious from Mary's side might also jolt the other mother back to
sanity).
~Sue
Though having a bit of inconvenience might be a good thing in this
case (I'm sure it wasn't convenient for Mary to have cops on her
doorstep), to demonstrate her willingness to treat it seriously, as
well as the added assurance that it actually arrived.
(The serious from Mary's side might also jolt the other mother back to
sanity).
~Sue
> still have to go to the po thoughtry> again if they miss you.
> Delivery confirmation I think is what you are thinking of ?
> Would she? They bring Registered mail to the door where I live, and
>some> small amount for). I've seen the form at the post office.
> There is a "delivere"d receipt that the sender can request (and pay
>
> Robyn L. Coburn