Changing attitude
sarajoturtle
I am starting to understand that most of the things that I'm getting irritated with and things I want to fix, just have to do with me changing my attitude about it. Problem is I don't know how to do that, how do I stop being grumpy about cleaning, our picking up after them? I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
Meredith
"sarajoturtle" <sarajoturtle@...> wrote:
I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
***************
Keep in mind that you're learning! So you're not going to "get it right" all the time right from the start. You're going to fall back on what's familiar sometimes, and learn from that experience. The catch is to decide what you're going to learn.
That might sound odd, but right now, you're teetering on the edge of learning that you can't do it, that you're failing. You can use the same experiences remind you of why you don't want to be that person - the grumpy, irritable mom who's always at odds with her kids. Use those icky feelings as information - a reason to make different choices next time.
It might help to dig down into the reasons why you're grumpy in the first place, analyze them and pull them apart so that when you notice yourself falling into a grump you can talk yourself out of it. If you're having trouble with that, lay the reasons out here, and others can offer up ideas that they've found helpful.
Depending on your personality maybe rather than talk yourself out of it spend some time being okay with being grumpy . Sometimes I know I'm going to clean and be grumpy about it, and I'm okay with that. I'm going to wallow a little in feeling under-appreciated, rail against the patriarchy for a while, and then I'll finish cleaning and get over that. Maybe it's the "getting over that" you're struggling with - in which case I don't recommend wallowing!
If you're feeling unappreciated, then it's all the more important to dig down into Why. Do you think that others are Supposed to appreciate your hard work? Whether they actually value it or not? Do you expect other people to "pitch in" and are resenting when they don't? Do you equate caretaking with love and feel unloved because no-one is taking care of you? Are you resenting the fact that even though it's "your turn" to be the boss, you've given that up? None of those thoughts make you a bad person - they're all pretty natural if you've been raised to expect moms to require housework from kids. But it can take some time and effort to start to move past all of that, to go from resenting the fact that you've missed your turn to celebrating it.
Sometimes I'll focus on the fact that - hey! I have a house to clean! This summer, when it got so very, very dry and there were wildfires in other parts of the country I was thinking about the fact that I might not have a house - and what then? So having a house to clean is a good thing.
In the winter, I like to wash dishes when I'm chilled - we don't have a dishwasher, so washing dishes is old fashioned hands in the sink work, here. When my hands are cold, that's bliss. This summer, I tried a different tactic. I got a new dish soap with a smell I really like and put an audio book on when I wanted to wash. I got a lot more dishes done! It's harder to do audio books for general tidying-up, but they're good for cleaning one small area, like the bathroom, or for organizing shelves (or plastic lids... what is it with plastic containers and lids that don't match?).
Okay, and here's an odd thing... sometimes it helps to wear a dust mask.
---Meredith
I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
***************
Keep in mind that you're learning! So you're not going to "get it right" all the time right from the start. You're going to fall back on what's familiar sometimes, and learn from that experience. The catch is to decide what you're going to learn.
That might sound odd, but right now, you're teetering on the edge of learning that you can't do it, that you're failing. You can use the same experiences remind you of why you don't want to be that person - the grumpy, irritable mom who's always at odds with her kids. Use those icky feelings as information - a reason to make different choices next time.
>>how do I stop being grumpy about cleaning, our picking up after them?To some extent, that depends on your personality.
It might help to dig down into the reasons why you're grumpy in the first place, analyze them and pull them apart so that when you notice yourself falling into a grump you can talk yourself out of it. If you're having trouble with that, lay the reasons out here, and others can offer up ideas that they've found helpful.
Depending on your personality maybe rather than talk yourself out of it spend some time being okay with being grumpy . Sometimes I know I'm going to clean and be grumpy about it, and I'm okay with that. I'm going to wallow a little in feeling under-appreciated, rail against the patriarchy for a while, and then I'll finish cleaning and get over that. Maybe it's the "getting over that" you're struggling with - in which case I don't recommend wallowing!
If you're feeling unappreciated, then it's all the more important to dig down into Why. Do you think that others are Supposed to appreciate your hard work? Whether they actually value it or not? Do you expect other people to "pitch in" and are resenting when they don't? Do you equate caretaking with love and feel unloved because no-one is taking care of you? Are you resenting the fact that even though it's "your turn" to be the boss, you've given that up? None of those thoughts make you a bad person - they're all pretty natural if you've been raised to expect moms to require housework from kids. But it can take some time and effort to start to move past all of that, to go from resenting the fact that you've missed your turn to celebrating it.
Sometimes I'll focus on the fact that - hey! I have a house to clean! This summer, when it got so very, very dry and there were wildfires in other parts of the country I was thinking about the fact that I might not have a house - and what then? So having a house to clean is a good thing.
In the winter, I like to wash dishes when I'm chilled - we don't have a dishwasher, so washing dishes is old fashioned hands in the sink work, here. When my hands are cold, that's bliss. This summer, I tried a different tactic. I got a new dish soap with a smell I really like and put an audio book on when I wanted to wash. I got a lot more dishes done! It's harder to do audio books for general tidying-up, but they're good for cleaning one small area, like the bathroom, or for organizing shelves (or plastic lids... what is it with plastic containers and lids that don't match?).
Okay, and here's an odd thing... sometimes it helps to wear a dust mask.
---Meredith
Melissa Corliss DeLorenzo
I understand completely how you feel. I used to get so upset and irritated
and feel put-upon until I decided to straighten up their clutter only every
few days. I keep the house sanitary (bathrooms and kitchen) but their
clutter/toys/markers/etc. I only clean up about every 3 days or so. No one
but me cares about it anyhow, so I decided to care less. I'm not sure how
old your kids are, but mine are 7 and 5 years and I ask them to help me.
Sometimes it works. I put on a song and say, "Let's see if we can clean
this before the song is over." Or "Let's surprise Daddy by cleaning
up"�this works for some reason! And if it doesn't, I just do it by myself.
At some point, they won't be so messy�as kids get bigger the messes get
smaller. I can't tell you the peace I have felt just by letting go. "This
too shall pass," as the saying goes. I think they will care about a clean
home because they grow up in one and eventually they will adopt the values.
That's how it happened for me, even though cleaning felt like an impossible
chore when I was a kid. Blessings to you!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and feel put-upon until I decided to straighten up their clutter only every
few days. I keep the house sanitary (bathrooms and kitchen) but their
clutter/toys/markers/etc. I only clean up about every 3 days or so. No one
but me cares about it anyhow, so I decided to care less. I'm not sure how
old your kids are, but mine are 7 and 5 years and I ask them to help me.
Sometimes it works. I put on a song and say, "Let's see if we can clean
this before the song is over." Or "Let's surprise Daddy by cleaning
up"�this works for some reason! And if it doesn't, I just do it by myself.
At some point, they won't be so messy�as kids get bigger the messes get
smaller. I can't tell you the peace I have felt just by letting go. "This
too shall pass," as the saying goes. I think they will care about a clean
home because they grow up in one and eventually they will adopt the values.
That's how it happened for me, even though cleaning felt like an impossible
chore when I was a kid. Blessings to you!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
http://sandradodd.com/chores/gift
It helps to see what you do as a gift and not as a chore. It helps to see that cleaning something up is about making it possible for something else to occur in that space. That you aren't working to be finished, that you aren't going to clean it up and it will stay clean, but, more that you are creating the possibility for something exciting and wonderful to occur in your newly scrubbed area.
Oh, http://sandradodd.com/chores/shift%c2%a0the third piece, by Dawn Adams. "We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!"
Don't feel too bad when you screw up. Apologise and keep working at gaining enough experience being happy that you can do it more and more each time. It's little steps. It's a big change. And it's incremental.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: sarajoturtle <sarajoturtle@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 5 October 2012, 4:19
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Changing attitude
I am starting to understand that most of the things that I'm getting irritated with and things I want to fix, just have to do with me changing my attitude about it. Problem is I don't know how to do that, how do I stop being grumpy about cleaning, our picking up after them? I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It helps to see what you do as a gift and not as a chore. It helps to see that cleaning something up is about making it possible for something else to occur in that space. That you aren't working to be finished, that you aren't going to clean it up and it will stay clean, but, more that you are creating the possibility for something exciting and wonderful to occur in your newly scrubbed area.
Oh, http://sandradodd.com/chores/shift%c2%a0the third piece, by Dawn Adams. "We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!"
>>I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...<<Try and see it as two steps forward and one step back. The more you use new techniques the better you will get at using them. It isn't immediate. It isn't the Karate Kid: http://www.cracked.com/article_18544_how-the-karate-kid-ruined-modern-world.html. It takes time and experience to get good at not moving going for grumpy and irritable at someone else's needs. It also helps, as Meredith pointed out, to figure out ways to enjoy what you are doing: http://sandradodd.com/dishes%c2%a0is about different folks approach to doing dishes.
Don't feel too bad when you screw up. Apologise and keep working at gaining enough experience being happy that you can do it more and more each time. It's little steps. It's a big change. And it's incremental.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: sarajoturtle <sarajoturtle@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, 5 October 2012, 4:19
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Changing attitude
I am starting to understand that most of the things that I'm getting irritated with and things I want to fix, just have to do with me changing my attitude about it. Problem is I don't know how to do that, how do I stop being grumpy about cleaning, our picking up after them? I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sarajoturtle
You all are so very helpful, I really appreciate it! My kids are 3,6, and 9. I also babysit a 10, 8,7, and 6 yr old after school. It just seems like sometimes the messes get out.of.control...i am by no stretch of the imagination a neat freak, so generally I leave the playroom, and bedrooms alone. But sometimes it gets to the point where it needs to be vacuumed, because there is food or trash all over the floor, and there has been occasions where I find apple cores/banana peels that have probably been there weeks...mostly from my 3 yr old....i just get frustrated that it gets THAT messy...and when there is stuff all over the living room it kinda drives me bonkers...i try to let it go but its hard and I get embarrassed if people come over...and it really bothers my husband too and he tends to get grouchy or complain about it... Idk I think I've been burnt out for a long time and I just need to somehow get my happy back!
Joyce Fetteroll
On Oct 4, 2012, at 9:25 PM, sarajoturtle wrote:
Take one at a time. Don't try to fix it all at once!
What are the worst 2 or 3? If you post here, people might have ideas.
Lots of people have used big storage bins as a way to clean up quickly.
Some have a bin for each person's room so things can get thrown in there quickly and the whole bin taken to the room.
A 3 yo wandering off with fruit doesn't seem a good idea. They're not going to be mindful of where they leave them. They can't yet. Though lots more trash cans would help.
Try the "Let's see how much we can clean up for Daddy during this song," idea. Often times doing it as a gift for someone is energizing when doing it because mom's grumpy makes people want to run away ;-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> It just seems like sometimes the messes get out.of.control...Can you analyze some of these messes? How can some of them be prevented?
Take one at a time. Don't try to fix it all at once!
What are the worst 2 or 3? If you post here, people might have ideas.
Lots of people have used big storage bins as a way to clean up quickly.
Some have a bin for each person's room so things can get thrown in there quickly and the whole bin taken to the room.
> there has been occasions where I find apple cores/bananaCan you keep food in the kitchen? Or be with them as they eat, taking away the leftovers when they're done?
> peels that have probably been there weeks...mostly from my 3 yr old
A 3 yo wandering off with fruit doesn't seem a good idea. They're not going to be mindful of where they leave them. They can't yet. Though lots more trash cans would help.
> .and it really bothers my husband too and he tends to get grouchy or complain about it.Then it really should be taken care of. He goes to work so you can stay home and unschool. Home should feel like a welcoming sanctuary for him. It doesn't need to be pristine, just not something he doesn't look forward to coming home to.
Try the "Let's see how much we can clean up for Daddy during this song," idea. Often times doing it as a gift for someone is energizing when doing it because mom's grumpy makes people want to run away ;-)
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jo kirby
I haven't read all the other replies yet so apologies if someone's already suggested something similar to this:
Can you find a calm quite time when you can sit and really examine the question "Why does it bother me so much to do the cleaning up", or maybe the question is "why does it bother me so much that they don't do their own cleaning up"? Keep following it on with question after question, and challenge everything. For example, if you get to something like "I feel taken for granted", next ask "why does that bother me?, does it really matter if I'm taken for granted?, what's my fear with this?". If there is something deeper going on here for you, and if you can work out what that Really is - sometimes your body breathes a sigh of relief and it goes away, or at least lessens hugely, because it's been acknowledged. You can literally feel it happening, it's SO freeing. Afterwards you might be in a better place to stay calmer and let things go a bit more the next time - which will add to everyone's peace.
Years ago I read a book called Focusing by Eugene T Gendlin, and from vague memory that's where I got this practice from, if anyone wants to explore further.
It's one of the most useful tools in my kitbag!
All the best,
Jo
________________________________
From: sarajoturtle <sarajoturtle@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 4 October 2012, 19:19
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Changing attitude
I am starting to understand that most of the things that I'm getting irritated with and things I want to fix, just have to do with me changing my attitude about it. Problem is I don't know how to do that, how do I stop being grumpy about cleaning, our picking up after them? I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Can you find a calm quite time when you can sit and really examine the question "Why does it bother me so much to do the cleaning up", or maybe the question is "why does it bother me so much that they don't do their own cleaning up"? Keep following it on with question after question, and challenge everything. For example, if you get to something like "I feel taken for granted", next ask "why does that bother me?, does it really matter if I'm taken for granted?, what's my fear with this?". If there is something deeper going on here for you, and if you can work out what that Really is - sometimes your body breathes a sigh of relief and it goes away, or at least lessens hugely, because it's been acknowledged. You can literally feel it happening, it's SO freeing. Afterwards you might be in a better place to stay calmer and let things go a bit more the next time - which will add to everyone's peace.
Years ago I read a book called Focusing by Eugene T Gendlin, and from vague memory that's where I got this practice from, if anyone wants to explore further.
It's one of the most useful tools in my kitbag!
All the best,
Jo
________________________________
From: sarajoturtle <sarajoturtle@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, 4 October 2012, 19:19
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Changing attitude
I am starting to understand that most of the things that I'm getting irritated with and things I want to fix, just have to do with me changing my attitude about it. Problem is I don't know how to do that, how do I stop being grumpy about cleaning, our picking up after them? I'm so mad and irritated all the time, but I don't know how to fix that because when I try, it works for a bit and then I fall back into my old techniques, like yelling and demanding etc etc...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Krissy Dawson
Wow!!! This post just really spoke to my heart and is what I am dealing with as well. Reading these suggestions and encouragement "to keep it up, you're not failing" kinda words, really helps me to not beat myself up when I fail at my goal of not being angry and flippin' out all the time. I can ask for forgiveness and try again. Isn't that what I am teaching my son as well??? So I'm going to teach it to myself! Thank you, everyone for this post and comments.
Krissy
Sent from my iPad
Krissy
Sent from my iPad
Kathy Lowney
Would it help you to reframe cleaning and picking up as part of the bigger job of making the home a peaceful place? Maybe your kids can't stand picking up, but are contributing to peace in the family in other ways, ways that they thought of and are important to them?
My son's main contributions are hugging me when he sees I'm getting frazzled and being willing (most of the time) to go along on his big sister's activities, to make it possible for her to do the many things she really wants and needs to do, even though he really wishes he could just stay home. He also graciously accepted that his big sister would be homeschooling too, and he would lose a lot of alone time with Mom, and need to compromise a lot. That's a biggie. I can leave his monopoly game out on a card table for a month, then pick it up myself when he's good and tired of it.
My daughter's main contribution is feeding her brother, who is generally too interested in what he's doing to want to be bothered with food. She notices when he might be getting hungry, helps him figure out what he might want, makes it for him and gently (more gently than I could) reminds him to eat it. I don't have to pester him to eat his [breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack] any more, or deal with the cranky kid if I don't get him to eat on time. She's on top of it. It don't mind picking up a few dirty socks for that.
My son's main contributions are hugging me when he sees I'm getting frazzled and being willing (most of the time) to go along on his big sister's activities, to make it possible for her to do the many things she really wants and needs to do, even though he really wishes he could just stay home. He also graciously accepted that his big sister would be homeschooling too, and he would lose a lot of alone time with Mom, and need to compromise a lot. That's a biggie. I can leave his monopoly game out on a card table for a month, then pick it up myself when he's good and tired of it.
My daughter's main contribution is feeding her brother, who is generally too interested in what he's doing to want to be bothered with food. She notices when he might be getting hungry, helps him figure out what he might want, makes it for him and gently (more gently than I could) reminds him to eat it. I don't have to pester him to eat his [breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack] any more, or deal with the cranky kid if I don't get him to eat on time. She's on top of it. It don't mind picking up a few dirty socks for that.
Amylouise 'Lou'
Thank you! If I had ink in my printer, I would print that out at put it somewhere. Thank you.
Hugs,
Lou
Hugs,
Lou
--- In [email protected], jo kirby <jokirby2004@...> wrote:
>
> I haven't read all the other replies yet so apologies if someone's already suggested something similar to this:
>
> Can you find a calm quite time when you can sit and really examine the question "Why does it bother me so much to do the cleaning up", or maybe the question is "why does it bother me so much that they don't do their own cleaning up"? Keep following it on with question after question, and challenge everything. For example, if you get to something like "I feel taken for granted", next ask "why does that bother me?, does it really matter if I'm taken for granted?, what's my fear with this?". If there is something deeper going on here for you, and if you can work out what that Really is - sometimes your body breathes a sigh of relief and it goes away, or at least lessens hugely, because it's been acknowledged. You can literally feel it happening, it's SO freeing. Afterwards you might be in a better place to stay calmer and let things go a bit more the next time - which will add to everyone's peace.
>
> Years ago I read a book called Focusing by Eugene T Gendlin, and from vague memory that's where I got this practice from, if anyone wants to explore further.
>
> It's one of the most useful tools in my kitbag!
>
> All the best,
> Jo
>
alma
Jo's description of asking questions reminded me of Byron Katie, who wrote "Loving What Is" and also has some wonderful to watch videos on Youtube. She also asks a series of questions to go deeper into an issue.
Alison
DS1(10) and DS2(7)
Alison
DS1(10) and DS2(7)
--- In [email protected], "Amylouise 'Lou'" <mama2boys@...> wrote:
>
> Thank you! If I had ink in my printer, I would print that out at put it somewhere. Thank you.
>
> Hugs,
> Lou
>
> --- In [email protected], jo kirby <jokirby2004@> wrote:
> >
> > I haven't read all the other replies yet so apologies if someone's already suggested something similar to this:
> >
> > Can you find a calm quite time when you can sit and really examine the question "Why does it bother me so much to do the cleaning up", or maybe the question is "why does it bother me so much that they don't do their own cleaning up"? Keep following it on with question after question, and challenge everything. For example, if you get to something like "I feel taken for granted", next ask "why does that bother me?, does it really matter if I'm taken for granted?, what's my fear with this?". If there is something deeper going on here for you, and if you can work out what that Really is - sometimes your body breathes a sigh of relief and it goes away, or at least lessens hugely, because it's been acknowledged. You can literally feel it happening, it's SO freeing. Afterwards you might be in a better place to stay calmer and let things go a bit more the next time - which will add to everyone's peace.
> >
> > Years ago I read a book called Focusing by Eugene T Gendlin, and from vague memory that's where I got this practice from, if anyone wants to explore further.
> >
> > It's one of the most useful tools in my kitbag!
> >
> > All the best,
> > Jo
> >
>