Toddler troubles
Amanda
I have been searching all the past post and got tired of looking. So if this is out there already please feel free to give me a link or what have you. Thank you in advance.
I have 3 children. 9, almost 8 and 2. The boys who are older seem a lot easier to unschool then my 2 year old. Although, I do have a few questions. First, I am very comfortable with unschooling their school. But I struggle with the Radical unschooling. I so bad want that happy, relaxed, free home. I have done away with chores but I do ask for help every now and then. But since they know they don't have to, they either just don't answer or tell me no straight up. How do I handle this, do I just keep smiling and do it my self? The other question about the boys come to play and sharing. My boys are very rude to each other. They always fight and always call names. What do I do about this. I have done my best to change activities and move on but that isn't working. There is a ton of name calling and it bothers me. I use to yell at them that it isn't nice but I know that is not the way. It is so hard when you have been this way for years. I am a work in progress. I am working on my own temper and my own actions. Maybe once I correct myself the boys will follow?
On to the toddler. Do you allow your toddler to eat what ever, when ever? I have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wants choc, animal crackers and goldfish. Do I allow her to continue eating this way in hopes that it will get old and she will move on? Yes, we are new and before unschooling there was lots of control, now I see that was wrong. I am sure a lot of issues will get better with time and as I correct and change my own mind and self. I am just unsure how. I have lifted restrictions on sleep. I ask if she wants to nap or not. and she just tells me when she wants to go to bed at night. She does come to me at night and tell me she wants her playpen. She sleeps in my room by my bed. I was trying to move her to her room but I now see that is not wise so I leave her in my room. She does come in my bed some time in the night/ early morning hours.
The big thing I am wondering about is potty training. She was completely trained, day and night for a good 3 months. Well, bout 3 weeks ago I started watching my nephew who is 4 weeks old. Well, now she won't touch a potty and pees all over the house and in her pants. She likes to be nude and I have no issues with it so I allow. Well, got to go. Thank you for your help with these.
Amanda
I have 3 children. 9, almost 8 and 2. The boys who are older seem a lot easier to unschool then my 2 year old. Although, I do have a few questions. First, I am very comfortable with unschooling their school. But I struggle with the Radical unschooling. I so bad want that happy, relaxed, free home. I have done away with chores but I do ask for help every now and then. But since they know they don't have to, they either just don't answer or tell me no straight up. How do I handle this, do I just keep smiling and do it my self? The other question about the boys come to play and sharing. My boys are very rude to each other. They always fight and always call names. What do I do about this. I have done my best to change activities and move on but that isn't working. There is a ton of name calling and it bothers me. I use to yell at them that it isn't nice but I know that is not the way. It is so hard when you have been this way for years. I am a work in progress. I am working on my own temper and my own actions. Maybe once I correct myself the boys will follow?
On to the toddler. Do you allow your toddler to eat what ever, when ever? I have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wants choc, animal crackers and goldfish. Do I allow her to continue eating this way in hopes that it will get old and she will move on? Yes, we are new and before unschooling there was lots of control, now I see that was wrong. I am sure a lot of issues will get better with time and as I correct and change my own mind and self. I am just unsure how. I have lifted restrictions on sleep. I ask if she wants to nap or not. and she just tells me when she wants to go to bed at night. She does come to me at night and tell me she wants her playpen. She sleeps in my room by my bed. I was trying to move her to her room but I now see that is not wise so I leave her in my room. She does come in my bed some time in the night/ early morning hours.
The big thing I am wondering about is potty training. She was completely trained, day and night for a good 3 months. Well, bout 3 weeks ago I started watching my nephew who is 4 weeks old. Well, now she won't touch a potty and pees all over the house and in her pants. She likes to be nude and I have no issues with it so I allow. Well, got to go. Thank you for your help with these.
Amanda
[email protected]
--- In [email protected], "Amanda" <amanda_mendenhall@...> wrote:
If they aren't playing that kind of tension is an indicator that they need more parental involvement. You need to be more present and be more aware of when tensions are mounting. You need to make sure they aren't lacking in any basic needs like food or drink or sleep. If they are getting on each other's last nerve you need to find, earlier, quicker ways to get them moving away from each other and toward doing something else.
Sharing isn't really sharing if there aren't options. It's more tolerated theft. Protect each boys right to what they are doing by having fewer requirements that they do it together. Linnaea was a burden that I placed on Simon when David and I chose to have a second child. She was my and David's choice, not his. So I've done lots to protect his sovereignty in his own home as well as hers. Helping them to not have to play together has been one of those things.
But toddlers are doing intensive brain growth as well as bone and muscle growth. Their dietary needs are actually quite different from an adult human. Sugar and fats are brilliant for that kind of development. Offer her lots of things that you think she'll like. Cake is good. Finger foods are good. Beans or edamame or apple slices with cinnamon and sugar on them. Simon and Linnaea both still like apple as it would be for pie filling, so with flour and sugar and cinnamon mixed on top.
She will get older and move on in some ways. But I still quite like chocolate and bread sticks and animal crackers.
Schuyler
>>I have done away with chores but I do ask for help every now and then. But since they know they don't have to, they either just don't answer or tell me no straight up. How do I handle this, do I just keep smiling and do it my self? <<Yes, you just keep smiling and you do it yourself. Anytime you ask, it was a question, a request instead of a demand. You are just starting down this path. It may take a while before they even think about helping you. Ask infrequently and be prepared for no and surprised by any yes that my come along. The longer you give them of being fine with their no the more likely they will be to say yes.
>>The other question about the boys come to play and sharing. My boys are very rude to each other. They always fight and always call names. What do I do about this. I have done my best to change activities and move on but that isn't working. There is a ton of name calling and it bothers me. <<Does it bother them? Are they playing? Simon and Linnaea call each other names occasionally and often they are joking with each other. There isn't any real meanness in it, and if it goes across the line and one or the other perceives it as being meant horrible, I step in and talk about teasing and harassment and how it isn't a game when only one person is playing.
If they aren't playing that kind of tension is an indicator that they need more parental involvement. You need to be more present and be more aware of when tensions are mounting. You need to make sure they aren't lacking in any basic needs like food or drink or sleep. If they are getting on each other's last nerve you need to find, earlier, quicker ways to get them moving away from each other and toward doing something else.
Sharing isn't really sharing if there aren't options. It's more tolerated theft. Protect each boys right to what they are doing by having fewer requirements that they do it together. Linnaea was a burden that I placed on Simon when David and I chose to have a second child. She was my and David's choice, not his. So I've done lots to protect his sovereignty in his own home as well as hers. Helping them to not have to play together has been one of those things.
>>I use to yell at them that it isn't nice but I know that is not the way. It is so hard when you have been this way for years. I am a work in progress. I am working on my own temper and my own actions.<<That's really good. It's really good to figure out other ways to get peace in your home than by making the tension greater. It took me a while to figure out how to be calm in the face of distrubance. And I still have to work on it.
>>Maybe once I correct myself the boys will follow?<<It will certainly play a role. But better to help them to be more peaceful by engaging them more and by making sure that they have food and drink regularly. Those things make a world of difference.
>> On to the toddler. Do you allow your toddler to eat what ever, when ever? I have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wants choc, animal crackers and goldfish. Do I allow her to continue eating this way in hopes that it will get old and she will move on? <<With toddler Linnaea and toddler Simon we did let them eat what they wanted. We offered lots of things that they might not have known were options as well. Simon loved lemon slices. He would suck on those as he walked around the kitchen.
But toddlers are doing intensive brain growth as well as bone and muscle growth. Their dietary needs are actually quite different from an adult human. Sugar and fats are brilliant for that kind of development. Offer her lots of things that you think she'll like. Cake is good. Finger foods are good. Beans or edamame or apple slices with cinnamon and sugar on them. Simon and Linnaea both still like apple as it would be for pie filling, so with flour and sugar and cinnamon mixed on top.
She will get older and move on in some ways. But I still quite like chocolate and bread sticks and animal crackers.
>>Yes, we are new and before unschooling there was lots of control, now I see that was wrong. I am sure a lot of issues will get better with time and as I correct and change my own mind and self. I am just unsure how.<<It helps a lot to just say yes more rather than telling the family that you are radically changing your approach to parenting. If you go gently into unschooling there is less or a taut spring response. If you've already made a public announcement, just be aware that there will be a period of intense readjustment. And hang on, and breathe and do all that you can to ride it out. It will get smoother, like ripples on a pond.
Schuyler
Schuyler
>> On to the toddler. Do you allow your toddler to eat what ever, when ever? IIt's helpful to remember that toddlers need to eat less big meals much more
>>have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wants choc, animal
>>crackers and goldfish. Do I allow her to continue eating this way in hopes that
>>it will get old and she will move on? <<
frequently. Snacks are really an important part of eating when you are little
and have a little stomach and a fairly fast metabolism. Be active in putting
together little things for your daughter to eat throughout the day. Lots and
lots of little snack platters. It may also help your older two deal with hungry
more readily if you put out monkey platters:
http://sandradodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter has images and suggestions linked
from it.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 17, 2011, at 6:54 PM, Amanda wrote:
any thoughts of cleaning for quite a while after you stop forcing.
Once they've recovered, once they feel their buckets are back to being
full, do invite them to be with you and do meaningful help. Draw them
into the process as valuable partners. Ask them to do small, specific
pieces to help you. If they balk, they're still not recovered and back
off for a bit.
Have you read this:
http://sandradodd.com/chores/relationship
names affect them negatively or are you projecting your feelings onto
them?
Are you there when this happens? Can you see the build up and redirect?
Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?
http://tinyurl.com/6ykmxye
You may be inadvertently feeding the rivalry. (If that's what it is.
If it's not just rougher exuberance than you're used to.)
Kids tend to eat snacky foods because they're large calories in small
packages which suits their high energy needs and small stomaches. They
also tend to want to spend as little time as possible with the
annoying eating thing ;-) They want their food easy to get and easy to
eat.
It will help to have more nutritionally dense food that's even easier
to grab than than the snacky foods. You can either put the snacky
foods out of sight so she asks only when that's exactly what she wants
or add it to the monkey platters. See what works for her.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I have done away with chores but I do ask for help every now andThey're still recovering. They will still feel the forced cleaning in
> then. But since they know they don't have to, they either just don't
> answer or tell me no straight up. How do I handle this, do I just
> keep smiling and do it my self?
any thoughts of cleaning for quite a while after you stop forcing.
Once they've recovered, once they feel their buckets are back to being
full, do invite them to be with you and do meaningful help. Draw them
into the process as valuable partners. Ask them to do small, specific
pieces to help you. If they balk, they're still not recovered and back
off for a bit.
Have you read this:
http://sandradodd.com/chores/relationship
> They always fight and always call names. What do I do about this. IWhy are they fighting? Why are they calling each other names? Do the
> have done my best to change activities and move on but that isn't
> working. There is a ton of name calling and it bothers me. I use to
> yell at them that it isn't nice but I know that is not the way. It
> is so hard when you have been this way for years. I am a work in
> progress. I am working on my own temper and my own actions. Maybe
> once I correct myself the boys will follow?
names affect them negatively or are you projecting your feelings onto
them?
Are you there when this happens? Can you see the build up and redirect?
Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?
http://tinyurl.com/6ykmxye
You may be inadvertently feeding the rivalry. (If that's what it is.
If it's not just rougher exuberance than you're used to.)
> I have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wantsHow is she getting these? Does she need to ask?
> choc, animal crackers and goldfish. Do I allow her to continue
> eating this way in hopes that it will get old and she will move on
Kids tend to eat snacky foods because they're large calories in small
packages which suits their high energy needs and small stomaches. They
also tend to want to spend as little time as possible with the
annoying eating thing ;-) They want their food easy to get and easy to
eat.
It will help to have more nutritionally dense food that's even easier
to grab than than the snacky foods. You can either put the snacky
foods out of sight so she asks only when that's exactly what she wants
or add it to the monkey platters. See what works for her.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"Amanda" <amanda_mendenhall@...> wrote:
Go further than that! Notice when they Are being helpful, from their perspective. My 9yo is terribly helpful, but not always in ways that are convenient from an adult perspective. She's great at reminding adults what needs to be done - how thoughtful of her! But it's important that I remind myself that she's being thoughtful, now and then, or I can become very irritated that she's "just" telling me and not doing it herself.
Now and then I'll say "help me pick this up before so-and-so comes over so there's a place to play/sit down/eat" - not a question, but not an order, either. I'd say the same thing to a friend or a co-worker "give me a hand with this". If your kids resist that kind of thing, that's a sign to back waaaaaay off on "asking" for any kind of help and let them get comfortable with the idea of helping out on their own terms - and try to see things from their perspective so you notice!
What do they think? Should you do anything at all? Maybe you didn't have a brother just a year apart from you in age to know this, but boys tend to play on the rough side. It doesn't really matter if that's "natural" or cultural, its normal, if you see what I mean. Have you ever listened to Car Talk or watched some show that involved a close relationship between brothers? If they're just trading insults (as opposed to, say, punches) then it may be totally fine. They're working out the parameters of their relationship.
I remember that stage ;) I made a point to get the best quality animals crackers, goldfish and beverages I could find. Really - if she'll eat the whole-grain, less sugar and salt stuff you'll feel better and that will let you step back and bit a little more objective. Does she drink juice? That's vitamins and fiber. Does she drink milk? You've got your proteins and fats. Is that *all* she eats or is there more? Mo went through a stage where that was *all* - no hyperbole - but most of the time kids actually do eat more than that, it just falls through convenient cracks in parental memory ;) But be reassured that even if its *all* she eats, its not a crisis. If you really panic, you can offer vitamins, too but its muuuuuuch better not to start power struggles over food. Those do a lot more damage in the long run than animal crackers.
Even though this isn't a new sibling, she could very well be going through some of the same emotional issues as if you'd had a baby - or adopted one. She's been replaced! She was the baby! Offer her more chances to be babied.
Also, realize that 2 is still pretty little for consistent independent pottying. She may need a break from so much hard, grown-up attention to detail. Don't stress it and look for ways to make clean up easier.
---Meredith
>I have done away with chores but I do ask for help every now and then. But since they know they don't have to, they either just don't answer or tell me no straight up. How do I handle this, do I just keep smiling and do it my self?*****************
Go further than that! Notice when they Are being helpful, from their perspective. My 9yo is terribly helpful, but not always in ways that are convenient from an adult perspective. She's great at reminding adults what needs to be done - how thoughtful of her! But it's important that I remind myself that she's being thoughtful, now and then, or I can become very irritated that she's "just" telling me and not doing it herself.
Now and then I'll say "help me pick this up before so-and-so comes over so there's a place to play/sit down/eat" - not a question, but not an order, either. I'd say the same thing to a friend or a co-worker "give me a hand with this". If your kids resist that kind of thing, that's a sign to back waaaaaay off on "asking" for any kind of help and let them get comfortable with the idea of helping out on their own terms - and try to see things from their perspective so you notice!
>My boys are very rude to each other. They always fight and always call names. What do I do about this.***************
What do they think? Should you do anything at all? Maybe you didn't have a brother just a year apart from you in age to know this, but boys tend to play on the rough side. It doesn't really matter if that's "natural" or cultural, its normal, if you see what I mean. Have you ever listened to Car Talk or watched some show that involved a close relationship between brothers? If they're just trading insults (as opposed to, say, punches) then it may be totally fine. They're working out the parameters of their relationship.
>>> On to the toddler. Do you allow your toddler to eat what ever, when ever? I have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wants choc, animal crackers and goldfish.*****************
I remember that stage ;) I made a point to get the best quality animals crackers, goldfish and beverages I could find. Really - if she'll eat the whole-grain, less sugar and salt stuff you'll feel better and that will let you step back and bit a little more objective. Does she drink juice? That's vitamins and fiber. Does she drink milk? You've got your proteins and fats. Is that *all* she eats or is there more? Mo went through a stage where that was *all* - no hyperbole - but most of the time kids actually do eat more than that, it just falls through convenient cracks in parental memory ;) But be reassured that even if its *all* she eats, its not a crisis. If you really panic, you can offer vitamins, too but its muuuuuuch better not to start power struggles over food. Those do a lot more damage in the long run than animal crackers.
>>> The big thing I am wondering about is potty training. She was completely trained, day and night for a good 3 months. Well, bout 3 weeks ago I started watching my nephew who is 4 weeks old. Well, now she won't touch a potty and pees all over the house and in her pants.***************
Even though this isn't a new sibling, she could very well be going through some of the same emotional issues as if you'd had a baby - or adopted one. She's been replaced! She was the baby! Offer her more chances to be babied.
Also, realize that 2 is still pretty little for consistent independent pottying. She may need a break from so much hard, grown-up attention to detail. Don't stress it and look for ways to make clean up easier.
---Meredith
julesmiel
Hey, unschooling mom to two here, ages 5 & 2. I joined this list because I felt like getting back in to unschooling discussion and thought I might have reassuring snippets to share. Also, writing helps me learn and put things into perspective for myself.
--- In [email protected], "Amanda" <amanda_mendenhall@...> wrote:
> But I struggle with the Radical unschooling. I so bad want that
> happy, relaxed, free home. I have done away with chores but I do ask > for help every now and then. But since they know they don't have to, > they either just don't answer or tell me no straight up. How do I
> handle this, do I just keep smiling and do it my self?
Ideally, yes. I have moments of resentment sometimes when I ask from something simple, like, "Could you hand me a tissue?" when the tissue box is right next to my son and I'm across the room nursing his sister, and he says, "Um, no." I just deal as best I can until I come back into balance, and I always do.
I remember how many times he helps me out easily. I don't ask him to do anything he hasn't expressed an interest in doing. Or actually, I will offer new activities to him when inspired, but I generally don't ask him (5yo) to help out with household tasks.
> My boys are very rude to each other.
Maybe a rephrase? They're really frustrated, and they let it out. You get really frustrated at times, too, and there's a way or ways that you let it out, some of them okay with you, some of them not.
> Maybe once I correct myself the boys will follow?
Seems like our experience here is that we all learn together, so yeah. When there appears to be a stuck place between Dmitri (5) and Sue (2), I generally get close to them, talk then when there's a space to talk, physically intervene as gently as possible if there's physical hurt happening, and generally share confidence that this is not a big deal and and we'll work it out. I don't have to share that through words if both of them are busy being loud. I can have my chance at words later when it calms down.
I still get irritable. I still project that and make the situation messier at times. But generally, being there and having overall confidence that we can get through it are what dissolves conflict.
> On to the toddler. Do you allow your toddler to eat what ever, when > ever?
Yup.
> I have tried removing restrictions but...it seems she just wants
> choc, animal crackers and goldfish.
No problem. Put out foods that you think are good, and provide whatever she requests. Her body is so smart, so smart that she won't really need an elaborate, drawn out process to figure out what to eat, unless that's fun.
It might help to think of nutrition in really broad terms, making food a little part of it. Nutrition is sunlight, air, rest, play, love, fun, connection, variety, security, and food.
Julie
Joyce Fetteroll
> > Maybe once I correct myself the boys will follow?Maybe a clearer image to work toward is you being at the core of a
peaceful atmosphere. *Be* the peace you want to be in your family. Not
the modeler of peace. Not the enforcer of peace. But the peaceful
core. Be the peaceful light that's shining when chaos is reigning.
Which was the idea I was trying to get at when I brought up being what
I call "an earth mother" a few weeks ago.
When all is chaos, do you turn for help to the one who is caught up in
the emotional chaos and seems just as out of control as you feel or to
someone who is calm and certain that a peaceful solution can be found?
It seems like a tall order! But don't try to be perfect. Each time,
give yourself two choices and choose the more peaceful one.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Amanda Mendenhall
Thank you everyone for suggestions.
As for the boys and the name calling. I am going to read that link one of
you provide, havent gotten there yet but wanting to soon. Their fighting
tends to be over something that one has and the other dont or invasion of
space. J loves attention and will get in your face all the time. He does
this to T and T dont like it one bit. He is more of a loner and needs quit
time to do what he wants without his brother interrupting or getting in his
face. I need to find a way to make time and space for T to meet that need.
Maybe taking J outside or in another room and doing something with him. A
game or want not. I hate hearing be rude but maybe you all are right maybe
they are finding their own relationship. I had a brother a year apart but I
also had another brother a year older than him . so they were the ones
fighting all the time and the way my family dealt with it may be why I feel
the way I do when my boys go at it. Now they are outside more it helps . J
has a ton of energy and needs to get it out. So hard to find things to get
all that out of him. I need to open my mind to other ways to help him meet
that need.
As for E, (toddler) I try to find ways to baby her, but I think I need to
do better. She is my baby and always will be but I am sure she doesnt
understand that and I am sure she feels replaced. Any ideas on how to help
her through this? I now only have him Mon, Thur, and Fr. And some Tue and
Wed. depending Grandma cant keep him for whatever reason. I am thankful
that she loves him and wants to help with his care. She is always wanting to
hold him and feed him and if he cries she tells me right away. So I guess I
thought she was handling it well.
She asks for food or she goes to the pantry and get what she wants out, then
asks for help to open. She loves walking around with a baggie of food
(crackers, fruit snacks, goldfish) she loves hotdogs and will sometimes eat
what I make for dinner. Hubby wants to stick with a family meal at night so
I makes sure the kids are present for this meal. But E wants up pretty quick
so she either sits on my lap or I let her go play. But when we are done then
she gets hungry and wants to snack. I always had the rule nothing after
dinner unless they ate dinner. So maybe I am still holding on that to some
degree. I dont get why I offered her food she wont eat but then wants
something else within min. I am getting there slowly. Maybe a family meal
for her is to much to expect. Maybe I can let her bring an activity to the
table and at least join us as hubby wants us all together. I dont mind if
they want to play. But we also had the no toys at meal time so we have a lot
to work through. I so wish I found unschooling before now! I got so much to
work through myself .my childhood was on the extreme of abusive (hitting,
punching, kicking, chocking, verbal abuse) While have truly forgiven them I
still find myself scared to death of being that way with my own. I want so
bad for my kids to have what I didnt. I want them to be happy and
confident. T did tell me the other day that all the kids he talks to cant
wait to get away from their parents but T and J love it here and dont want
to ever leave. He couldnt understand why they wanted to get away from them.
So I guess we must be doing something ½ right! J
Hubby and I are not on the same page sometimes when It comes to unschooling
but he is reading Sandra Dodds site and is coming around.
Thank you again for your help on this wonderful path!
Amanda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
As for the boys and the name calling. I am going to read that link one of
you provide, havent gotten there yet but wanting to soon. Their fighting
tends to be over something that one has and the other dont or invasion of
space. J loves attention and will get in your face all the time. He does
this to T and T dont like it one bit. He is more of a loner and needs quit
time to do what he wants without his brother interrupting or getting in his
face. I need to find a way to make time and space for T to meet that need.
Maybe taking J outside or in another room and doing something with him. A
game or want not. I hate hearing be rude but maybe you all are right maybe
they are finding their own relationship. I had a brother a year apart but I
also had another brother a year older than him . so they were the ones
fighting all the time and the way my family dealt with it may be why I feel
the way I do when my boys go at it. Now they are outside more it helps . J
has a ton of energy and needs to get it out. So hard to find things to get
all that out of him. I need to open my mind to other ways to help him meet
that need.
As for E, (toddler) I try to find ways to baby her, but I think I need to
do better. She is my baby and always will be but I am sure she doesnt
understand that and I am sure she feels replaced. Any ideas on how to help
her through this? I now only have him Mon, Thur, and Fr. And some Tue and
Wed. depending Grandma cant keep him for whatever reason. I am thankful
that she loves him and wants to help with his care. She is always wanting to
hold him and feed him and if he cries she tells me right away. So I guess I
thought she was handling it well.
She asks for food or she goes to the pantry and get what she wants out, then
asks for help to open. She loves walking around with a baggie of food
(crackers, fruit snacks, goldfish) she loves hotdogs and will sometimes eat
what I make for dinner. Hubby wants to stick with a family meal at night so
I makes sure the kids are present for this meal. But E wants up pretty quick
so she either sits on my lap or I let her go play. But when we are done then
she gets hungry and wants to snack. I always had the rule nothing after
dinner unless they ate dinner. So maybe I am still holding on that to some
degree. I dont get why I offered her food she wont eat but then wants
something else within min. I am getting there slowly. Maybe a family meal
for her is to much to expect. Maybe I can let her bring an activity to the
table and at least join us as hubby wants us all together. I dont mind if
they want to play. But we also had the no toys at meal time so we have a lot
to work through. I so wish I found unschooling before now! I got so much to
work through myself .my childhood was on the extreme of abusive (hitting,
punching, kicking, chocking, verbal abuse) While have truly forgiven them I
still find myself scared to death of being that way with my own. I want so
bad for my kids to have what I didnt. I want them to be happy and
confident. T did tell me the other day that all the kids he talks to cant
wait to get away from their parents but T and J love it here and dont want
to ever leave. He couldnt understand why they wanted to get away from them.
So I guess we must be doing something ½ right! J
Hubby and I are not on the same page sometimes when It comes to unschooling
but he is reading Sandra Dodds site and is coming around.
Thank you again for your help on this wonderful path!
Amanda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
julesmiel
--- In [email protected], "Amanda Mendenhall" <amanda_mendenhall@...> wrote:
Julie
> Maybe a family meal for her is to much to expect.2yo here--a family meal is definitely too much most of the time. Sometimes it's nice for her to sit at the table and eat, but she often wanders. I just leave snack platters on low tables.
Julie
Schuyler
>>As for the boys and the name calling. I am going to read that link one ofyou provide, haven’t gotten there yet but wanting to soon. Their fighting
tends to be over something that one has and the other don’t or invasion of
space.>>
That suggests that you need to be more present. If they are fighting over access
to goods and space you need to step up your involvement in their moment to
moment lives.
>>J loves attention and will get in your face all the time. <<Give him more attention then. Don't expect someone else to pick up his attention
needs. You do it, you be his engagement, his go to person for attention.
>>He does this to T and T don’t like it one bit. <<Don't let it get to the point where J is going to T for attention. Be way, way
more involved. Figure out what J wants to do and have it going on much more of
the time than you have been.
Parental time is really, really important in unschooling. You have to step up
how much care and attention you are giving to your children. Figure out ways to
engage with them and to protect their needs for quiet time and privacy. Don't
assume that it will get better, make it better.
Schuyler
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Feb 19, 2011, at 12:20 PM, Amanda Mendenhall wrote:
more observant. Ask them when you're alone with one. If one is being
bullied or feels unsafe in his home, you need to make sure he feels
safe.
Being more present should help a lot.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> ANo one here can know, just make suggestions of what it might be. Be
> game or want not. I hate hearing be rude but maybe you all are right
> maybe
> they are finding their own relationship.
more observant. Ask them when you're alone with one. If one is being
bullied or feels unsafe in his home, you need to make sure he feels
safe.
Being more present should help a lot.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"Amanda Mendenhall" <amanda_mendenhall@...> wrote:
Another thought is to invite a friend over more often. It may be that you're relying on the boys to play together too much, and it could help to break up that dynamic with another kid or two.
---Meredith
>J loves attention and will get in your face all the time. He doesLook for ways to give J more attention, too - and suggest to his brother that if he can find ways to give J some attention proactively he's more likely to get a break, later. Its something he can experiment with, anyway.
> this to T and T don't like it one bit. He is more of a loner and needs quit
> time to do what he wants without his brother interrupting or getting in his
> face. I need to find a way to make time and space for T to meet that need.
Another thought is to invite a friend over more often. It may be that you're relying on the boys to play together too much, and it could help to break up that dynamic with another kid or two.
>>She is my baby and always will be but I am sure she doesn'tOffer to hold and cuddle her as though she were younger. Let her have a turn being the baby in that sense so she knows she's appreciated for herself, not just for being a "big girl helper".
> understand that and I am sure she feels replaced. Any ideas on how to help
> her through this?
>I don't get why I offered her food she won't eat but then wantsBecause she's That little - she really can't see beyond the exact current moment. Leaving out plates of snacks can help with that. Little kids do well with "grazing" for the most part, and it ends up being less work to keep up with snacks than make things she won't want to eat ;)
> something else within min.
>Maybe a family mealIt can help to really think hard about what a "family meal" is for. Its a chance to connect with one another. The connection is more important than the details, though. Without that connection, sitting at the dinner table together is no better than sitting at a desk or waiting in line.
> for her is to much to expect. Maybe I can let her bring an activity to the
> table and at least join us as hubby wants us all together. I don't mind if
> they want to play. But we also had the no toys at meal time so we have a lot
> to work through.
---Meredith
Bun
--- In [email protected], "julesmiel" <julesmiel@...> wrote:
I used to hold Kanoa on my lap (or dh would hold him on his lap) while we ate, but as he got older he prefered to stand and eat by the little table. I think standing makes it easier for him to leave to play for a bit and then come back for another bite. As long as he is safe and happy, I can eat my dinner. If he moves to a place where I can't see him, I take a bite and check on him or bring my plate to where he is (or dh does).
Sometimes dh and I take turns eating as our little guy might need to move about or play and this way one of us can hang out with him while the other eats. This gives one of us a chance to eat and the other to have nice one on one time with him. After dinner is over and cleaned up we can all hang out together. It won't always be like this, this is what we feel works best for our family while we have a youngster.
When Kanoa is interested in a dvd though (whether in the living room or on a portable dvd on the little sized table), dh and I and the rest of the family (if they are interested) can eat at the same time. If he's in the living room and we eat in there, then we'll offer him food while we're eating or set him up with his little table in there. Or I'll hold his food and give him bites between my own eating. (Soon our family can have picnics on the floor again. Right now this doesn't work with an active toddler, but this will soon again be a fun way to eat and enjoy a movie).
We leave Kanoa's food out even after we've cleaned up in case he gets hungry a little later. And if I sense he didn't like what we had, I'll offer something I think he might like such as yogurt or a smoothie or a roll or fruit.
Laurie
>> 2yo here--a family meal is definitely too much most of the time. Sometimes it's nice for her to sit at the table and eat, but she often wanders. I just leave snack platters on low tables.We have a child sized table near our dining room table. I can sit between both tables to be close to everyone or at the little table with Kanoa so I can easily help him with his needs and still talk to whoever else is eating at the bigger table. I can take even more part in a conversation and have more connection with others when I am closer to meet my youngest's needs more easily.
>
I used to hold Kanoa on my lap (or dh would hold him on his lap) while we ate, but as he got older he prefered to stand and eat by the little table. I think standing makes it easier for him to leave to play for a bit and then come back for another bite. As long as he is safe and happy, I can eat my dinner. If he moves to a place where I can't see him, I take a bite and check on him or bring my plate to where he is (or dh does).
Sometimes dh and I take turns eating as our little guy might need to move about or play and this way one of us can hang out with him while the other eats. This gives one of us a chance to eat and the other to have nice one on one time with him. After dinner is over and cleaned up we can all hang out together. It won't always be like this, this is what we feel works best for our family while we have a youngster.
When Kanoa is interested in a dvd though (whether in the living room or on a portable dvd on the little sized table), dh and I and the rest of the family (if they are interested) can eat at the same time. If he's in the living room and we eat in there, then we'll offer him food while we're eating or set him up with his little table in there. Or I'll hold his food and give him bites between my own eating. (Soon our family can have picnics on the floor again. Right now this doesn't work with an active toddler, but this will soon again be a fun way to eat and enjoy a movie).
We leave Kanoa's food out even after we've cleaned up in case he gets hungry a little later. And if I sense he didn't like what we had, I'll offer something I think he might like such as yogurt or a smoothie or a roll or fruit.
Laurie