Klasina

My oldest in, almost 4, has beautiful curls and never had a haircut. Her curls hang in her face, i think its cute and she doesn't mind at all, in fact if i suggest a hairclip or a ponytail she refuses the offer; she wipes her hands trough the curls, out of her face and tell's me that works just fine. I love it, it's so who she is.

BUT....ah, the mother in law ;) She want's her to be a real girly-girl even though she's a tomboy. Every time she went over there she comes back with perfect girly hair; clips, pins, ponytails..... It's cute but so not her so to be honest it annoys me to bits. A couple of days she picked her up for a sleepover and my mother-in-law told me what to pack; that one girly dress (she doesn't like to wear) and a couple of hairpins. If i don't, she end's up buying new stuff like that every time she's there..

My question is; my girl doesn't like her hair brushed and i'm fine with that, the curls are cute anyway and it takes 3 days to mess them up, by then it's time to wash it again. No problem.
No pins, ponytails or girly-girl dresses if she doesn't want to. But how do i react to the pushing my MIL does? Now i just let her, thinking oh well, it's a grandma thing and my daughter knowsit. But it's quite stupid when i think about it, why should my daughter be a totally different kid when she is there, just because grandma likes to dress her up and show her off...?

Any thought or advices?


Klasina
Nova (march '07) Lou (march '10)
www.zoalspippi.wordpress.com

Schuyler

If your daughter doesn't mind I don't see why it is an issue. If she begins to
mind then you can explore other options with her.


Schuyler


-------------------------------------

My oldest in, almost 4, has beautiful curls and never had a haircut. Her curls
hang in her face, i think its cute and she doesn't mind at all, in fact if i
suggest a hairclip or a ponytail she refuses the offer; she wipes her hands
trough the curls, out of her face and tell's me that works just fine. I love it,
it's so who she is.


BUT....ah, the mother in law ;) She want's her to be a real girly-girl even
though she's a tomboy. Every time she went over there she comes back with
perfect girly hair; clips, pins, ponytails..... It's cute but so not her so to
be honest it annoys me to bits. A couple of days she picked her up for a
sleepover and my mother-in-law told me what to pack; that one girly dress (she
doesn't like to wear) and a couple of hairpins. If i don't, she end's up buying
new stuff like that every time she's there..

My question is; my girl doesn't like her hair brushed and i'm fine with that,
the curls are cute anyway and it takes 3 days to mess them up, by then it's time
to wash it again. No problem.
No pins, ponytails or girly-girl dresses if she doesn't want to. But how do i
react to the pushing my MIL does? Now i just let her, thinking oh well, it's a
grandma thing and my daughter knowsit. But it's quite stupid when i think about
it, why should my daughter be a totally different kid when she is there, just
because grandma likes to dress her up and show her off...?

Any thought or advices?

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

plaidpanties666

"Klasina" <klasina@...> wrote:
>It's cute but so not her so to be honest it annoys me to bits.

The important question is how does your daughter feel about it? It may be that she sees playing the girl game as a condition of spending time with grandma and is okay with that. Does she otherwise enjoy going over? Does she have the freedom to leave at any time, or to say "no I don't want to go" at the last minute? If she's not being pushed or guilted into spending time with her grandma, then their relationship is theirs, not for you to decide.

Its common for people to put on different roles in different situations, including different clothes and hairdos. In the alternative community of which I'm a part, we talk about that in terms of "drag" (think Drag Queen). Nature is naked, and everything else is drag, as the saying goes. So your girl can have home drag, grandma's house drag, going to the playground drag, going to church drag... Do you see what I mean? She can be a tomboy sometimes and a girly-girl at others without being less herself. I certainly am both those things at different times, and sometimes at the *same* time.

---Meredith

Kelly Lovejoy

Have you asked your daughter?


She may enjoy doing it with her grandmother---and no one else. It may be their "special time." It's amazing what we'll put up with to spend time with someone we love.


If my daughter hated it and didn't want to go, I would tell grandma that she won't be visiting again unless there will be no more dress up.


Does she come home crying and unhappy about the new do's?


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson



-----Original Message-----
From: Klasina <klasina@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Grandma is treating her as a different girl..?


My oldest in, almost 4, has beautiful curls and never had a haircut. Her curls
hang in her face, i think its cute and she doesn't mind at all, in fact if i
suggest a hairclip or a ponytail she refuses the offer; she wipes her hands
trough the curls, out of her face and tell's me that works just fine. I love it,
it's so who she is.

BUT....ah, the mother in law ;) She want's her to be a real girly-girl even
though she's a tomboy. Every time she went over there she comes back with
perfect girly hair; clips, pins, ponytails..... It's cute but so not her so to
be honest it annoys me to bits. A couple of days she picked her up for a
sleepover and my mother-in-law told me what to pack; that one girly dress (she
doesn't like to wear) and a couple of hairpins. If i don't, she end's up buying
new stuff like that every time she's there..

My question is; my girl doesn't like her hair brushed and i'm fine with that,
the curls are cute anyway and it takes 3 days to mess them up, by then it's time
to wash it again. No problem.
No pins, ponytails or girly-girl dresses if she doesn't want to. But how do i
react to the pushing my MIL does? Now i just let her, thinking oh well, it's a
grandma thing and my daughter knowsit. But it's quite stupid when i think about
it, why should my daughter be a totally different kid when she is there, just
because grandma likes to dress her up and show her off...?

Any thought or advices?






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Klasina

She doesn't seems to mind so although i don't realy like it, i never make a point ouf it. I just tell her how pretty she is when she comes home with the hairpins and stuff. And she is so that's not difficult to do.

I do see it as a grandmathingy, she had 2 boys herself so i understand she likes it. And it's not like she's overdoing it either, it's all within proportion. BUT sometimes i do wonder if it isn't sending the message to my girl like she's only a pretty girl when her hair is all done and stuff. Then again, it's my job to insure her it has nothing really to do with that i guess...

I don't think it's a huge problem but sometimes it just makes me think... Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it. She's coming home in a bit, i wonder if she has new hairpins because i forgot to pack them ;)

JJ

Yes, it probably will if this is the only time you send that message. Easy fix -- compliment her other times, too!

--- In [email protected], "Klasina" <klasina@...> wrote:
>
> I just tell her how pretty she is when she comes home with the hairpins and stuff. And she is, so that's not difficult to do.
>
BUT sometimes i do wonder if it isn't sending the message to my girl like she's only a pretty girl when her hair is all done and stuff.

Kelly Lovejoy

If it's *your* problem, get over it.


Your child isn't you.


She might really enjoy this time with her grandmother.


If you find that she *doesn't*, THEN you can do something about it.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson



-----Original Message-----
From: Klasina <klasina@...>
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Grandma is treating her as a different girl..?


She doesn't seems to mind so although i don't realy like it, i never make a
point ouf it. I just tell her how pretty she is when she comes home with the
hairpins and stuff. And she is so that's not difficult to do.

I do see it as a grandmathingy, she had 2 boys herself so i understand she likes
it. And it's not like she's overdoing it either, it's all within proportion. BUT
sometimes i do wonder if it isn't sending the message to my girl like she's only
a pretty girl when her hair is all done and stuff. Then again, it's my job to
insure her it has nothing really to do with that i guess...

I don't think it's a huge problem but sometimes it just makes me think... Thanks
for sharing your thoughts about it. She's coming home in a bit, i wonder if she
has new hairpins because i forgot to pack them ;)






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

plaidpanties666

"Klasina" <klasina@...> wrote:
>BUT sometimes i do wonder if it isn't sending the message to my girl like she's only a pretty girl when her hair is all done and stuff.
***********

There are certainly plenty of messages to that point in the world, but as her mom, you have a lot of power in that regard, too. Do You only tell her she's pretty when her hair is done and she's wearing a dress or at other times? Do you Only say "pretty" about her dos and dresses or do you say "looks like you had fun" or some other "neutral" comment, like... "Ooooh, glitter!"?

---Meredith

Schuyler

"although i don't realy like it" is all about you. Even at 4 it is important to
recognise that this is her relationship with her grandmother, your mother in law
(with whom there may be other issues), and not yours.

Linnaea and Simon will both be kinder and more engaged by their grandmother
without having to work at it like I do. They are able to listen and chat with
her when I would find myself struggling. It isn't their lack or her lack, it is
mine.


Your daughter going over and playing dress up with her grandmother is really
sweet. As long as she's enjoying it, as long as it is pleasure and good and fun
and the twirling gets her happy and the time is wonderful. Think of the memories
she is making. Think of the sweetness she'll feel when she thinks of playing
with her grandmother when she was a little girl. Those are hers, too.


Schuyler




________________________________
From: Klasina <klasina@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 26 January, 2011 16:58:03
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Grandma is treating her as a different girl..?

She doesn't seems to mind so although i don't realy like it, i never make a
point ouf it. I just tell her how pretty she is when she comes home with the
hairpins and stuff. And she is so that's not difficult to do.


I do see it as a grandmathingy, she had 2 boys herself so i understand she likes
it. And it's not like she's overdoing it either, it's all within proportion. BUT
sometimes i do wonder if it isn't sending the message to my girl like she's only
a pretty girl when her hair is all done and stuff. Then again, it's my job to
insure her it has nothing really to do with that i guess...

I don't think it's a huge problem but sometimes it just makes me think... Thanks
for sharing your thoughts about it. She's coming home in a bit, i wonder if she
has new hairpins because i forgot to pack them ;)



------------------------------------

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Klasina

When I ask her if she wants a hairclip she says no because she doesn't like the feeling. So i guess that's why I don't really like it if her grandmother just puts them in without asking her. But that's my MY problem as pointed out, i think that's true because n the other hand, she really seems to understand it's a thing grandma does, just like eating fishfingers; loves them there, hates them at home.

I always giving her compliments, lots and lots of them. She is beautiful no matter what, if she's wearing what she picked herself or if it's a more grandmothery outfit. I just don't care about that stuff in a girly manor so may be it's even a nice thing for her to have a grandparent who does :)

Thanks!