Highly sensitive children
riverkatie
Does anyone have one of these?
DS13 is Highly Sensitive. In practical terms this means (for him, obviously all sensitive people are different!)
Oral sensitivity. Cannot eat certain foods eg cooked vegetables, or things in sauce, or jelly.
Noise sensitivity, cannot go to a movie theatre, Museum ultra sonic alarms mean we have to leave. A shame as he loves museums. We are going to try again with ear plugs!
Physical sensitivity, a pat feels like a blow, can only wear certain clothing items, socks seem to be a form of torture.
Emotional sensitivity. Lots here, no TV in this house (ds is only child left at home) the news is devastating, programmes that humiliate people, or abandon them on Islands, or where people are not nice to each other upset him for days. He prefers not to go there. He also doesn't want to know what is going on in the world, social studies type lessons when he was at school are devastating.
He cannot play computer games involving violence etc. We do watch carefully selected DVDs on the computer. They have a lovely feature where we can preview scenes and work out if it is likely to be OK for ds.
Needs lots of time alone. As we were a family of 5 living in a 4 room house, this was a real problem, until he and dh built a tree house for him, now so long as the weather is OK he can escape. He is 'safe' up there. No-one is allowed to climb the tree if he is in it. (is this controlling? Reading it now, it reads as controlling but he needs this for his mental health) Things are generally better now the older children have left home and he has a bedroom to himself, and a door he can shut (he had a curtain before)
Cannot cope with team sports or competitive games. He surfs and sails.
Fear of the dark. Many other fears rational only to him
Difficulty with transitions from one sate to another, eg sleep to waking, waking to sleep.
I'll stop here, I'm sure you get the idea!
The problem comes with other people, and now even family, this Christmas even his older sibling have been on his case. "How long are you going to pander to him? He's 13 years old!"
"He's going to have to get a grip, how is he going to cope in the real world?"
"Its what comes of homeschooling! Send him to school!" (He came out because at the age of 8 he was still screaming and clinging to me and doorways in an attempt not to go to school. He learnt nothing there, could not read, spell, add up, it was too noisy, people were too unkind etc etc. he was incapacitated.)
He's fine actually, as long as we respect his need for quiet space, but he is lonely. All the kids we know his age have mobile phones (he cannot tolerate them) play computer games and watch TV. He is a gifted artist, who loves to read, lego, and ironically, research history as long as nobody expects him to look at the 20th century.
The big thing is he wants really badly to be in a play. There is one coming up but it means auditions (some people will be upset) and, if he gets in, noisy rehearsals, and lots of people. The show will include bright lights and amplified sound. Would you let him do this? What about the other people in the play if he gets in and later cannot cope?
Too long, sorry. And thank you if you managed to read this far! Any advice on sensitive teenagers, plays and auditions and interfering relatives gratefully accepted!
Katie.
DS13 is Highly Sensitive. In practical terms this means (for him, obviously all sensitive people are different!)
Oral sensitivity. Cannot eat certain foods eg cooked vegetables, or things in sauce, or jelly.
Noise sensitivity, cannot go to a movie theatre, Museum ultra sonic alarms mean we have to leave. A shame as he loves museums. We are going to try again with ear plugs!
Physical sensitivity, a pat feels like a blow, can only wear certain clothing items, socks seem to be a form of torture.
Emotional sensitivity. Lots here, no TV in this house (ds is only child left at home) the news is devastating, programmes that humiliate people, or abandon them on Islands, or where people are not nice to each other upset him for days. He prefers not to go there. He also doesn't want to know what is going on in the world, social studies type lessons when he was at school are devastating.
He cannot play computer games involving violence etc. We do watch carefully selected DVDs on the computer. They have a lovely feature where we can preview scenes and work out if it is likely to be OK for ds.
Needs lots of time alone. As we were a family of 5 living in a 4 room house, this was a real problem, until he and dh built a tree house for him, now so long as the weather is OK he can escape. He is 'safe' up there. No-one is allowed to climb the tree if he is in it. (is this controlling? Reading it now, it reads as controlling but he needs this for his mental health) Things are generally better now the older children have left home and he has a bedroom to himself, and a door he can shut (he had a curtain before)
Cannot cope with team sports or competitive games. He surfs and sails.
Fear of the dark. Many other fears rational only to him
Difficulty with transitions from one sate to another, eg sleep to waking, waking to sleep.
I'll stop here, I'm sure you get the idea!
The problem comes with other people, and now even family, this Christmas even his older sibling have been on his case. "How long are you going to pander to him? He's 13 years old!"
"He's going to have to get a grip, how is he going to cope in the real world?"
"Its what comes of homeschooling! Send him to school!" (He came out because at the age of 8 he was still screaming and clinging to me and doorways in an attempt not to go to school. He learnt nothing there, could not read, spell, add up, it was too noisy, people were too unkind etc etc. he was incapacitated.)
He's fine actually, as long as we respect his need for quiet space, but he is lonely. All the kids we know his age have mobile phones (he cannot tolerate them) play computer games and watch TV. He is a gifted artist, who loves to read, lego, and ironically, research history as long as nobody expects him to look at the 20th century.
The big thing is he wants really badly to be in a play. There is one coming up but it means auditions (some people will be upset) and, if he gets in, noisy rehearsals, and lots of people. The show will include bright lights and amplified sound. Would you let him do this? What about the other people in the play if he gets in and later cannot cope?
Too long, sorry. And thank you if you managed to read this far! Any advice on sensitive teenagers, plays and auditions and interfering relatives gratefully accepted!
Katie.
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "riverkatie" <riverkatie@...> wrote:
Morgan is similar and we learned early to avoid any of that kind of programming around her. Happily, no-one else in our family really likes that kind of thing, so it wasn't a big deal, and she never had to deal with school. We did learn early on not to offer any "live action" movies without pre-screening for emotional violence, but then we also gave her the option of watching things if she wanted. She was able to develop some strategies of her own for dealing with the glop to get to the good stuff, as it were.
It may be that your guy's strategy is simply avoidance. Is he okay with that for now? Does he have opportunities to make other choices, develop other strategies? or do you simply censor based on his known triggers? You might be able to help him expand that, if he wants, set him up for more choices. Its just as possible, though, that he really really knows his limits and avoidance is his best bet.
Something else I wonder is that, with others in the house, did he have to make an effort to avoid things he didn't want to see in the past? That might have been stressful enough that he didn't get a chance to develop other strategies. It may be, now that he has time without other family members around, that he'll start to expand his options naturally. That's something I've seen my 16yo do in other areas, not sensitivty per se.
Do you use any lables to describe him, beyond "Highly sensitive"? Sometimes it can be useful to have something like that to get people off your back. If he were in a wheelchair, no-one would question the ramp to your front door! I mostly rely on humor and deflection, personally. My favorite (and I'm careful where I use it) is to say "oh, she just doesn't like humans". In the right crowd, its met with humorous commiseration "oh, yeah, me neither, LOL."
Does he want friends his own age? Ray doesn't - he wants adult friends. He has very little in common with other teenagers unless they're unschoolers. Both my kids meet people through their interests more than by age. Some of Mo's interests are still "age based" in the sense that kids are more likely to be into Bakugan and Spongebob video games than adults, but its still a matter of interest. She sometimes says she'd like more girl friends, for instance, but has little in common with local girls (unschoolers are a different matter) so most of her local friends are boys.
Does he want a cell phone? to play video games? to watch more tv? If he does, look for more strategies and options that allow him to do that, or something close. But if he's just looking to connect, help him find more ways to connect via the things he enjoys already. Look into lego clubs and leagues, book clubs, SCA, sailing clubs, groups for surfers. In the real world, outside the hothouse of school, people meet by means of interests - your peers are the people who do and like the things you do and like. So help him make friends the way adults make friends, by connecting with his real peers, not his age-peers.
Have you talked to him about all of this? What kinds of strategies does he think will help him cope? That's an important question. In between "wanting to" and "being able to" are the strategies. He's going to need some in order to function in that kind of environment. Help him work out some ideas and then, if he's still interested, take him to the audition! If there's time before then, take him to some rehearsals of other shows, or ask for a tour of the theater - any theater that will accomodate you, doesn't have to be the same one - and chat with the technical staff. Maybe set up a practice stage at home with lights and speakers so he can experience those aspects and develop strategies for dealing with them.
If he balks at the audition, look into the possibility of becomming part of the crew. That's a good way for him to learn, first hand, what all the possible trouble spots are. Its also a good way for him to meet people who share an interest! And theater people are wonderfully quirky and have a host of strategies for dealing with fears and sensitivities.
If he gets in, ask him how he'd like to deal with this, make a plan. It may mean talking to the director and making sure an understudy is ready to go at a moment's notice. It may mean re-casting him in a smaller role, or simply as a background character in a group scene. It may mean he switches to "crew" rather than "cast" for that show, to be sure he can handle the environment before actually being in the spotlight. It may mean giving him space to try his wings a little and hoping for the best!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
> Does anyone have one of these?Mo is sensitive in some of the same ways, foods, certain sounds she's very sensitive to. Certain kinds of clothes too - and don't even get me started with hair! I'm so glad other unschooling girls have "hair wads". And she's very much an introvert.
>
>>> Emotional sensitivity. Lots here, no TV in this house (ds is only child left at home) the news is devastating, programmes that humiliate people, or abandon them on Islands, or where people are not nice to each other upset him for days. He prefers not to go there. He also doesn't want to know what is going on in the world, social studies type lessons when he was at school are devastating.*****************
Morgan is similar and we learned early to avoid any of that kind of programming around her. Happily, no-one else in our family really likes that kind of thing, so it wasn't a big deal, and she never had to deal with school. We did learn early on not to offer any "live action" movies without pre-screening for emotional violence, but then we also gave her the option of watching things if she wanted. She was able to develop some strategies of her own for dealing with the glop to get to the good stuff, as it were.
It may be that your guy's strategy is simply avoidance. Is he okay with that for now? Does he have opportunities to make other choices, develop other strategies? or do you simply censor based on his known triggers? You might be able to help him expand that, if he wants, set him up for more choices. Its just as possible, though, that he really really knows his limits and avoidance is his best bet.
Something else I wonder is that, with others in the house, did he have to make an effort to avoid things he didn't want to see in the past? That might have been stressful enough that he didn't get a chance to develop other strategies. It may be, now that he has time without other family members around, that he'll start to expand his options naturally. That's something I've seen my 16yo do in other areas, not sensitivty per se.
> The problem comes with other people, and now even family, this Christmas even his older sibling have been on his case. "How long are you going to pander to him? He's 13 years old!"***************************
Do you use any lables to describe him, beyond "Highly sensitive"? Sometimes it can be useful to have something like that to get people off your back. If he were in a wheelchair, no-one would question the ramp to your front door! I mostly rely on humor and deflection, personally. My favorite (and I'm careful where I use it) is to say "oh, she just doesn't like humans". In the right crowd, its met with humorous commiseration "oh, yeah, me neither, LOL."
> "Its what comes of homeschooling! Send him to school!"I get that sometimes with Morgan. I'm very confident, though, when I tell people I've researched the matter thoroughly and am certain school would be the worst place for her. I have, and it would! And anyone who has gone to the trouble to research the benefits of home education for themselves is welcome to debate the matter with me.
> He's fine actually, as long as we respect his need for quiet space, but he is lonely. All the kids we know his age have mobile phones (he cannot tolerate them) play computer games and watch TV.*******************
Does he want friends his own age? Ray doesn't - he wants adult friends. He has very little in common with other teenagers unless they're unschoolers. Both my kids meet people through their interests more than by age. Some of Mo's interests are still "age based" in the sense that kids are more likely to be into Bakugan and Spongebob video games than adults, but its still a matter of interest. She sometimes says she'd like more girl friends, for instance, but has little in common with local girls (unschoolers are a different matter) so most of her local friends are boys.
Does he want a cell phone? to play video games? to watch more tv? If he does, look for more strategies and options that allow him to do that, or something close. But if he's just looking to connect, help him find more ways to connect via the things he enjoys already. Look into lego clubs and leagues, book clubs, SCA, sailing clubs, groups for surfers. In the real world, outside the hothouse of school, people meet by means of interests - your peers are the people who do and like the things you do and like. So help him make friends the way adults make friends, by connecting with his real peers, not his age-peers.
> The big thing is he wants really badly to be in a play. There is one coming up but it means auditions (some people will be upset) and, if he gets in, noisy rehearsals, and lots of people. The show will include bright lights and amplified sound. Would you let him do this?***********************
Have you talked to him about all of this? What kinds of strategies does he think will help him cope? That's an important question. In between "wanting to" and "being able to" are the strategies. He's going to need some in order to function in that kind of environment. Help him work out some ideas and then, if he's still interested, take him to the audition! If there's time before then, take him to some rehearsals of other shows, or ask for a tour of the theater - any theater that will accomodate you, doesn't have to be the same one - and chat with the technical staff. Maybe set up a practice stage at home with lights and speakers so he can experience those aspects and develop strategies for dealing with them.
If he balks at the audition, look into the possibility of becomming part of the crew. That's a good way for him to learn, first hand, what all the possible trouble spots are. Its also a good way for him to meet people who share an interest! And theater people are wonderfully quirky and have a host of strategies for dealing with fears and sensitivities.
>>What about the other people in the play if he gets in and later cannot cope?********************
If he gets in, ask him how he'd like to deal with this, make a plan. It may mean talking to the director and making sure an understudy is ready to go at a moment's notice. It may mean re-casting him in a smaller role, or simply as a background character in a group scene. It may mean he switches to "crew" rather than "cast" for that show, to be sure he can handle the environment before actually being in the spotlight. It may mean giving him space to try his wings a little and hoping for the best!
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
Ulrike Haupt
Dear Katie
What can I say? Extraodinary Sensitivity is something that is built in with
some people. And it is life saving, even if the rest of the world does not
recognise it yet. Many other people try to cope with allergies (food and
chemicals), all kinds of symptoms (migraine from emf) and other stuff by
going the allopathic way of looking for a chemical 'answer'. Maybe the
answer is not to be found where history has brought us. Maybe the answer is
already staring us in the face with what is presented by our children.
The pollution in our lives is all encompassing. And our sensitive children
show/tell us where and how we have to change towards a more livable and
healthy way.
Food - natural, raw, organic
Noise - silence is golden
Touch - respect my boundaries
Emotions - when we don't know that we are in control they seem devastating
Fears - so many are conditioned already - It is difficult to know what is a
real survival fear and what is not
The grip on the real world - this is where you caught me full time. What is
the real world? For the 'insensitive' people it is so cut and dried. For our
sensitive companions the 'real world' is very complex and ever changing and
VERY difficult to come to terms with.
I don't want to say that being sensitive is like being sick but to request
from a terminally ill persoin to 'shape up and come to grips with reality'
is the same as asking a highly sensitive person to 'get real'. They are more
attuned to 'reality' than the rest of the insensitive people. And, just to
make matters worse for us 'insensitive' people - the highly sensitive are
growing in numbers and it is not going to take many more years before they
are the majority.
Just today my 6 year old granddaughter said matter of factly, "Mommy said X
but she thought Y."I answered with, "Mommy surely meant what she said." And
she replied, "I know what she thought. I know her thoughts." Well I don't
know what my daughter thought. But M. knows what her little sister thinks,
too and interprets for her all the time. Which is one reason why A. is
taking her own time in learning to talk.
OK, I am also understanding this whole concept better since I learned about
Human Design. My daughter and A. have certain features 'defined' while M.
and I are open to the energies in this regard. I have always 'known' when
something was 'not quite right'. But I have been 'conditioned' to not trust
my 'instincts'. :) M. is a powerful personality who will not stand down and
bow to outside authorities. And like M. are so many of the children who have
come forth in recent years. If something is 'wrong' they won't tolerate it
but speak up or express their intolerance in some way to make us change our
'evil ways.
Enough
Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa
What can I say? Extraodinary Sensitivity is something that is built in with
some people. And it is life saving, even if the rest of the world does not
recognise it yet. Many other people try to cope with allergies (food and
chemicals), all kinds of symptoms (migraine from emf) and other stuff by
going the allopathic way of looking for a chemical 'answer'. Maybe the
answer is not to be found where history has brought us. Maybe the answer is
already staring us in the face with what is presented by our children.
The pollution in our lives is all encompassing. And our sensitive children
show/tell us where and how we have to change towards a more livable and
healthy way.
Food - natural, raw, organic
Noise - silence is golden
Touch - respect my boundaries
Emotions - when we don't know that we are in control they seem devastating
Fears - so many are conditioned already - It is difficult to know what is a
real survival fear and what is not
The grip on the real world - this is where you caught me full time. What is
the real world? For the 'insensitive' people it is so cut and dried. For our
sensitive companions the 'real world' is very complex and ever changing and
VERY difficult to come to terms with.
I don't want to say that being sensitive is like being sick but to request
from a terminally ill persoin to 'shape up and come to grips with reality'
is the same as asking a highly sensitive person to 'get real'. They are more
attuned to 'reality' than the rest of the insensitive people. And, just to
make matters worse for us 'insensitive' people - the highly sensitive are
growing in numbers and it is not going to take many more years before they
are the majority.
Just today my 6 year old granddaughter said matter of factly, "Mommy said X
but she thought Y."I answered with, "Mommy surely meant what she said." And
she replied, "I know what she thought. I know her thoughts." Well I don't
know what my daughter thought. But M. knows what her little sister thinks,
too and interprets for her all the time. Which is one reason why A. is
taking her own time in learning to talk.
OK, I am also understanding this whole concept better since I learned about
Human Design. My daughter and A. have certain features 'defined' while M.
and I are open to the energies in this regard. I have always 'known' when
something was 'not quite right'. But I have been 'conditioned' to not trust
my 'instincts'. :) M. is a powerful personality who will not stand down and
bow to outside authorities. And like M. are so many of the children who have
come forth in recent years. If something is 'wrong' they won't tolerate it
but speak up or express their intolerance in some way to make us change our
'evil ways.
Enough
Blissings
Ulrike
from Namibia - somewhere in Africa
zurro
great topic - reminiscent of one we were talking about in the shine with unschooling group. I am curious to see what others who have been unschooling longer have to say since we also have a HSC although she doesn't share all of the traits of your son. We do believe she is empathatic though as well as of course most children are - but she is more sensitive than most. She also is affected by lots of people, sounds, lights, smell is kicking in now too, and as she gets older I am able to redo the HSC "quizzes" and see more and more traits of that as well as more in myself and my husband - actually we just need to look in the mirror :)
I hear you too about the family stuff. I just recently had to listen to my older brother who is in his 50's and with grown children, tell me how I should just get real and go put her in preschool that she'd learn "to deal" just like we did. That we're "isolating" her and she won't be able to deal with life. *sigh* I just love family...
So, while I can't contribute I can certainly say you're not alone!
Hang in there.
Laura Z
I hear you too about the family stuff. I just recently had to listen to my older brother who is in his 50's and with grown children, tell me how I should just get real and go put her in preschool that she'd learn "to deal" just like we did. That we're "isolating" her and she won't be able to deal with life. *sigh* I just love family...
So, while I can't contribute I can certainly say you're not alone!
Hang in there.
Laura Z
riverkatie
Thank you meredith, lots of helpful stuff here.
riverkatie
Thank you for this Ulrike.
Thank you for your insights.
Katie.
> What can I say? Extraordinary Sensitivity is something that is built in withI found this fascinating. Ds will not eat cooked vegetables, but only raw and straight from the garden. Needless to say we took up organic gardening some time ago!
> some people. And it is life saving, even if the rest of the world does not
> recognise it yet.
>
> The pollution in our lives is all encompassing. And our sensitive children
> show/tell us where and how we have to change towards a more livable and
> healthy way.
> Food - natural, raw, organic
> Noise - silence is golden
> Touch - respect my boundaries
> Emotions - when we don't know that we are in control they seem devastating
> Fears - so many are conditioned already - It is difficult to know what is a
> real survival fear and what is not
> she replied, "I know what she thought. I know her thoughts." Well I don'tI have never heard of "Human Design", but will look it up. The whole knowing your thoughts thing is interesting. Ds used to play a game when he was tiny, He would ask us to sing a song in our heads and then he would guess it. He got it right every time. He would get so frustrated when we could not guess what he was singing in his head! He doesn't do that kind of thing so much now.
> know what my daughter thought. But M. knows what her little sister thinks,
> too and interprets for her all the time. Which is one reason why A. is
> taking her own time in learning to talk.
>
> OK, I am also understanding this whole concept better since I learned about
> Human Design. My daughter and A. have certain features 'defined' while M.
> and I are open to the energies in this regard. I have always 'known' when
> something was 'not quite right'. But I have been 'conditioned' to not trust
> my 'instincts'. :)
Thank you for your insights.
Katie.
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "Ulrike Haupt" <rica@...> wrote:
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
>> Food - natural, raw, organicIts important, from an unschooling standpoint, but also from a physical health standpoint, to be careful with theories like this and really observe the individual needs of individual people. Raw foods, in particular, are very stressful for some people. My food-sensitive kid avoids raw foods for the most part - many people who are very conservative about their food choices avoid raw, in fact, and find that their health is better when they do that than when they "force themselves" to eat things that they're so often told are "good for them". There's a huge amount of variation in human needs, and while what's healthy for mom and dad *may* be healthy for kids, its not guaranteed - less so if you have an ethnically mixed heritage.
---Meredith (Mo 8, Ray 16)
gruvystarchild
~~
The pollution in our lives is all encompassing. And our sensitive children
show/tell us where and how we have to change towards a more livable and
healthy way.
Food - natural, raw, organic
Noise - silence is golden
Touch - respect my boundaries
Emotions - when we don't know that we are in control they seem devastating
Fears - so many are conditioned already - It is difficult to know what is a
real survival fear and what is not~~
I think it's really important to not lump all "highly sensitive" or any other type of personality traits into any generalized description like the above. "silence is golden" does NOT apply to my very intense little man. In fact, he does not thrive where quiet is encouraged. He would despise a raw/natural diet and science does not back up the claims that raw diets are best.
Please remember that every person is unique and what helps one person is actually not helpful for another.
I wrote an article recently for Unerzogen about "atypical" children. It's posted at my blog for those who don't read German. ;)
I have found that trusting my child's natural unfolding is the best "tool" (same as with all of my children) in this journey and that a lot of "atypical" behaviors are a child that is on a very different developmental timeline than most people. Challenges seem to fade with growth and time and nurture.
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
The pollution in our lives is all encompassing. And our sensitive children
show/tell us where and how we have to change towards a more livable and
healthy way.
Food - natural, raw, organic
Noise - silence is golden
Touch - respect my boundaries
Emotions - when we don't know that we are in control they seem devastating
Fears - so many are conditioned already - It is difficult to know what is a
real survival fear and what is not~~
I think it's really important to not lump all "highly sensitive" or any other type of personality traits into any generalized description like the above. "silence is golden" does NOT apply to my very intense little man. In fact, he does not thrive where quiet is encouraged. He would despise a raw/natural diet and science does not back up the claims that raw diets are best.
Please remember that every person is unique and what helps one person is actually not helpful for another.
I wrote an article recently for Unerzogen about "atypical" children. It's posted at my blog for those who don't read German. ;)
I have found that trusting my child's natural unfolding is the best "tool" (same as with all of my children) in this journey and that a lot of "atypical" behaviors are a child that is on a very different developmental timeline than most people. Challenges seem to fade with growth and time and nurture.
Ren
radicalunschooling.blogspot.com
Krisula Moyer
>>>Noise sensitivity, cannot go to a movie theatre, Museum ultra sonic alarms mean we have to leave. A shame as he loves museums. We are going to try again with ear plugs!<<<This may be from left field but would he be interested in learning sign language? The ability to communicate with deaf members of your community might open up social contacts with a host of interesting people with whom he might be friends or even do theater (if there is deaf theater in your area). It just occurred to me that he might enjoy that.
Krisula Moyer
The Seer, the novel
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