Unlimited video games for six year old--my reply
Karen James
First of all, thanks again to everyone for their sincere and thoughtful
replies. I just got to my computer tonight and have 13 or so replies and
thought it might be easier to respond with a new post.
One comment I read a couple times was a suggestion that I participate with
Ethan as he plays. Both my husband and I (or one or the other) are eager to
do so almost all of the time. We both enjoy video games and the ones that
Ethan has been playing (World of Goo, Zoombinis, Crazy Machines) are a ton
of fun for us all. I always set us up with some snacks and drinks, and we
sit in cozy places anywhere around the house. We play on our laptops.
From the beginning, we been very attached parents. We still sleep with
Ethan many nights, although now he has his own room. Part of my need to
have dinner as a family is simply because we have always enjoyed that time
together. It is not a strict,
sit-with-your-back-straight-hold-your-fork-in-your-right-hand-don't-interrupt-the-adults-or-talk-with-your-mouth-full
kind of meal. We laugh, play music, talk about our days--just reconnect.
To feel like I am losing that time together saddens me, especially at such a
young age.
I don't feel like I was belittling his passion for playing games. I like
games too. They are fun. As I said, we play with him most of the time. We
cheer--get excited about the next level, or doing a level over more
effectively. Yet, I feel concern about the lack of interest in other
activities that once really captivated his imagination. I also feel like he
lacks the motivation to do some of the simpler things that he once seemed to
really enjoy, and I wonder if that isn't because it doesn't provide him with
a clear reward like the games do. We used to fold socks together. He would
bound on the bed and we would make a game of it, often ending up throwing
them at each other. Now he shows no interest. Socks--I can see the eyes
rolling ;) But, there are so many little things like this that we did
together that came to an abrupt halt once he started playing the games. I
can totally understand the captivation. I can also get my mind around how
playing games is much more fun that folding socks with mom. But my heart
skips a beat to think that we have left *the simple* too fast.
It is not just socks though. It is looking at a waterfall. It is listening
to the wind. It is hearing the chickadees. It is hearing the quiet after a
snowfall. It is tasting lemons, baking cookies, drawing, painting,
building, dancing, friends. All of these things seem to have lost their
appeal. He would rather play games on the computer. I would not say that
any one of the previous things I listed are "better" than video games. But
to substitute the diversity of the world around him for this one activity
doesn't seem balanced or healthy to my mind. I worry that the empty spaces
in his mind are being filled with this surreal experience, distancing him
from not only the world that he was just becoming familiar with, but also
keeping him from fully discovering himself.
We do have a lot around the house for him to do at all times. There are
several instruments, including djambe drums, a piano, my husband's prized
electric guitar, and more--all of which he has unlimited access to. He did
like to play. Now he has lost interest. He was playing by ear too, which
was fun. The first song he played was the theme song for "Wallace and
Gromit." He was delighted when he was able to find that on the piano. We
have stuff to make messes, we have toys. we have books, we have puzzles, we
have art supplies--he has his own, or he can use mine--I am an artist. He
has used a saw to cut down small trees, a hammer to build a structure out of
what we cut up, a dremel tool to make patterns in wood, and a shovel to dig
our grass up when he thought he wanted to dig a tunnel under our house (he
thought that would be a fun hideout). I think we do well, facilitating his
need to satisfy fabulous curiosity. Yet, lately he expresses very little
desire to embark on some new adventure he has thought up--unless, of course,
it is on the computer.
Finally, just to clarify, I spoke of changing our plan to unlimited playing
"recently." I would say that this has been in place for at least four
months, possibly six.
I will read on with an open mind and grateful heart for all that will surely
be shared.
Sincerely,
Karen James and family.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
replies. I just got to my computer tonight and have 13 or so replies and
thought it might be easier to respond with a new post.
One comment I read a couple times was a suggestion that I participate with
Ethan as he plays. Both my husband and I (or one or the other) are eager to
do so almost all of the time. We both enjoy video games and the ones that
Ethan has been playing (World of Goo, Zoombinis, Crazy Machines) are a ton
of fun for us all. I always set us up with some snacks and drinks, and we
sit in cozy places anywhere around the house. We play on our laptops.
From the beginning, we been very attached parents. We still sleep with
Ethan many nights, although now he has his own room. Part of my need to
have dinner as a family is simply because we have always enjoyed that time
together. It is not a strict,
sit-with-your-back-straight-hold-your-fork-in-your-right-hand-don't-interrupt-the-adults-or-talk-with-your-mouth-full
kind of meal. We laugh, play music, talk about our days--just reconnect.
To feel like I am losing that time together saddens me, especially at such a
young age.
I don't feel like I was belittling his passion for playing games. I like
games too. They are fun. As I said, we play with him most of the time. We
cheer--get excited about the next level, or doing a level over more
effectively. Yet, I feel concern about the lack of interest in other
activities that once really captivated his imagination. I also feel like he
lacks the motivation to do some of the simpler things that he once seemed to
really enjoy, and I wonder if that isn't because it doesn't provide him with
a clear reward like the games do. We used to fold socks together. He would
bound on the bed and we would make a game of it, often ending up throwing
them at each other. Now he shows no interest. Socks--I can see the eyes
rolling ;) But, there are so many little things like this that we did
together that came to an abrupt halt once he started playing the games. I
can totally understand the captivation. I can also get my mind around how
playing games is much more fun that folding socks with mom. But my heart
skips a beat to think that we have left *the simple* too fast.
It is not just socks though. It is looking at a waterfall. It is listening
to the wind. It is hearing the chickadees. It is hearing the quiet after a
snowfall. It is tasting lemons, baking cookies, drawing, painting,
building, dancing, friends. All of these things seem to have lost their
appeal. He would rather play games on the computer. I would not say that
any one of the previous things I listed are "better" than video games. But
to substitute the diversity of the world around him for this one activity
doesn't seem balanced or healthy to my mind. I worry that the empty spaces
in his mind are being filled with this surreal experience, distancing him
from not only the world that he was just becoming familiar with, but also
keeping him from fully discovering himself.
We do have a lot around the house for him to do at all times. There are
several instruments, including djambe drums, a piano, my husband's prized
electric guitar, and more--all of which he has unlimited access to. He did
like to play. Now he has lost interest. He was playing by ear too, which
was fun. The first song he played was the theme song for "Wallace and
Gromit." He was delighted when he was able to find that on the piano. We
have stuff to make messes, we have toys. we have books, we have puzzles, we
have art supplies--he has his own, or he can use mine--I am an artist. He
has used a saw to cut down small trees, a hammer to build a structure out of
what we cut up, a dremel tool to make patterns in wood, and a shovel to dig
our grass up when he thought he wanted to dig a tunnel under our house (he
thought that would be a fun hideout). I think we do well, facilitating his
need to satisfy fabulous curiosity. Yet, lately he expresses very little
desire to embark on some new adventure he has thought up--unless, of course,
it is on the computer.
Finally, just to clarify, I spoke of changing our plan to unlimited playing
"recently." I would say that this has been in place for at least four
months, possibly six.
I will read on with an open mind and grateful heart for all that will surely
be shared.
Sincerely,
Karen James and family.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
4 months ago, possibly 6, what changed your mind? Why, given your families enjoyment of games, were you, prior to 4-6 months ago, limiting your son's game time to 1 day a week? You don't have to answer. But maybe it will help you to think about what your attitude was such that you felt the games needed to be given a special day and how much your attitude has changed since opening up his access to video games. Was he doing socks games and baking and watching waterfalls with you because it was better than anything else that he was allowed to do and now there is something that he finds more engaging? Is it your loss and not his that you are worried about?
My daughter loved pink when she was little. Absolutely adored the color. She didn't much like to wear anything but pink, she wanted toys that were pink, she liked pink things. Because of her love of pink I began to really like pink. Really like pink. I'd never liked pink that much before. It was too girly. But Linnaea's love of pink really brought me round to pink. And one day she was done. Pink just didn't do it for her. She'd occasionally wear it for me, or do a twirl in one of the many beautiful pink dresses she had, but she just didn't like pink. Or, at least, she didn't like it enough to want to wear it all the time anymore. She'd moved out of that part of her life. And I was sad to see that go. But that sorrow was all about me and my little girl who loved pink. It wasn't about Linnaea, it was about the story of the all pink wearing little girl I had, not the right now little girl that she was. Being sad about that change didn't help me to enjoy
being with her or hanging out with her or playing with her or enjoying the new clothes she was choicing. I still have some of those pink clothes tucked in a box somewhere and I have pictures and right now there is a 9 year old girl lying on the floor in a black shirt with a mortocycle riding woman named Betty Bitch! on the back and that's really cool too.
Give it time. Give it time for him to stop feeling so in love with what he's doing that he isn't interested in anything else. Give it time for him to trust that you aren't going And while you are giving him the time to love his games you could read about Julie Persons experience with her son. It was when she stopped waiting for him to change and started loving what he was doing right than that he was able to expand out and embrace more in his life. http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/0702/JanFeb07.pdf page 12.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Karen James <semajrak@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 2:36:20 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Unlimited video games for six year old--my reply
First of all, thanks again to everyone for their sincere and thoughtful
replies. I just got to my computer tonight and have 13 or so replies and
thought it might be easier to respond with a new post.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My daughter loved pink when she was little. Absolutely adored the color. She didn't much like to wear anything but pink, she wanted toys that were pink, she liked pink things. Because of her love of pink I began to really like pink. Really like pink. I'd never liked pink that much before. It was too girly. But Linnaea's love of pink really brought me round to pink. And one day she was done. Pink just didn't do it for her. She'd occasionally wear it for me, or do a twirl in one of the many beautiful pink dresses she had, but she just didn't like pink. Or, at least, she didn't like it enough to want to wear it all the time anymore. She'd moved out of that part of her life. And I was sad to see that go. But that sorrow was all about me and my little girl who loved pink. It wasn't about Linnaea, it was about the story of the all pink wearing little girl I had, not the right now little girl that she was. Being sad about that change didn't help me to enjoy
being with her or hanging out with her or playing with her or enjoying the new clothes she was choicing. I still have some of those pink clothes tucked in a box somewhere and I have pictures and right now there is a 9 year old girl lying on the floor in a black shirt with a mortocycle riding woman named Betty Bitch! on the back and that's really cool too.
Give it time. Give it time for him to stop feeling so in love with what he's doing that he isn't interested in anything else. Give it time for him to trust that you aren't going And while you are giving him the time to love his games you could read about Julie Persons experience with her son. It was when she stopped waiting for him to change and started loving what he was doing right than that he was able to expand out and embrace more in his life. http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/0702/JanFeb07.pdf page 12.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Karen James <semajrak@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 2:36:20 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Unlimited video games for six year old--my reply
First of all, thanks again to everyone for their sincere and thoughtful
replies. I just got to my computer tonight and have 13 or so replies and
thought it might be easier to respond with a new post.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen James
4 months ago, possibly 6, what changed your mind? Why, given your families
dimensional tactile world, not a 2d one, so I believed I was giving room for
full, uncluttered interaction in that world, so that he may know it
intimately within those first few short years of his life. We "limited"
games because that seemed to work for us. We all saw it as a fun day to
look forward to. We opened it up because of what we had read and learned
through the discussions within the unschooling community. While everything
else in our house is unlimited, we considered this would naturally follow.
Since that time we have noticed certain changes in his moods and motivations
that have concerned us. We wondered if it was too much, too soon.
question, I don't think so. It was our life. We all seemed to enjoy it.
He was "allowed to do" all that we were allowed to do. The house and
everything outside of it was, and is, his to discover and explore. My
husband and I didn't play video games while he sat in the corner sorting
socks. The activity of sock sorting was not what was engaging, I felt. It
was our interaction that made it fun--the physical, touch and talk
interaction. My concern is that he is young, and these activities that I
listed were still meaningful enough for him to light up, and bound around
with innocent enjoyment of those simple activities. I didn't hear "I'm
bored" until we opened up the access of the games to him.
hold my son back to satisfy my need to preserve some unnatural state in our
relationship. What I fear is his changing moods. What I am saddened by is
his quickly-diminishing, early lack of enthusiasm for the world he once
embraced so enthusiastically.
My daughter loved pink when she was little. Absolutely adored the color. She
didn't have a favourite colour early on when he and his friends would ask,
but then I began to love blue because he did. Now he loves red. I still
love blue, and hold close the relationship that I remember that revolved
around that colour. But the colour change didn't change his moods. That is
what I am concerned about--the effect, not the change.
Your questions give me time to pause and consider what my concerns are and
where they are coming from. I believe so whole-heatedly in supporting my
son as the person he is. He is undeniably the most gentle and full of life
person I have had the great pleasure of knowing. I will read the article
you have recommended and think about what you have said, and my family and I
will talk with each other to find the path that works best for all of us.
Gratefully,
Karen.
> enjoyment of games, were you, prior to 4-6 months ago, limiting your son'sI believe that, evolutionarily speaking, our senses have developed in a 3
> game time to 1 day a week?
>
dimensional tactile world, not a 2d one, so I believed I was giving room for
full, uncluttered interaction in that world, so that he may know it
intimately within those first few short years of his life. We "limited"
games because that seemed to work for us. We all saw it as a fun day to
look forward to. We opened it up because of what we had read and learned
through the discussions within the unschooling community. While everything
else in our house is unlimited, we considered this would naturally follow.
Since that time we have noticed certain changes in his moods and motivations
that have concerned us. We wondered if it was too much, too soon.
> Was he doing socks games and baking and watching waterfalls with youI find this a little cynical and condescending, but, to answer your
> because it was better than anything else that he was allowed to do and now
> there is something that he finds more engaging?
>
question, I don't think so. It was our life. We all seemed to enjoy it.
He was "allowed to do" all that we were allowed to do. The house and
everything outside of it was, and is, his to discover and explore. My
husband and I didn't play video games while he sat in the corner sorting
socks. The activity of sock sorting was not what was engaging, I felt. It
was our interaction that made it fun--the physical, touch and talk
interaction. My concern is that he is young, and these activities that I
listed were still meaningful enough for him to light up, and bound around
with innocent enjoyment of those simple activities. I didn't hear "I'm
bored" until we opened up the access of the games to him.
> Is it your loss and not his that you are worried about?I am sure it is a bit of both. However, I don't feel that I would try to
>
hold my son back to satisfy my need to preserve some unnatural state in our
relationship. What I fear is his changing moods. What I am saddened by is
his quickly-diminishing, early lack of enthusiasm for the world he once
embraced so enthusiastically.
My daughter loved pink when she was little. Absolutely adored the color. She
> didn't much like to wear anything but pink, she wanted toys that were pink,Ethan loved blue. I did the same thing as you. I used to answer that I
> she liked pink things. Because of her love of pink I began to really like
> pink. Really like pink. I'd never liked pink that much before. It was too
> girly. But Linnaea's love of pink really brought me round to pink. And one
> day she was done. Pink just didn't do it for her. She'd occasionally wear it
> for me, or do a twirl in one of the many beautiful pink dresses she had, but
> she just didn't like pink. Or, at least, she didn't like it enough to want
> to wear it all the time anymore. She'd moved out of that part of her life.
> And I was sad to see that go. But that sorrow was all about me and my little
> girl who loved pink. It wasn't about Linnaea, it was about the story of the
> all pink wearing little girl I had, not the right now little girl that she
> was. Being sad about that change didn't help me to enjoy
> being with her or hanging out with her or playing with her or enjoying the
> new clothes she was choicing. I still have some of those pink clothes tucked
> in a box somewhere and I have pictures and right now there is a 9 year old
> girl lying on the floor in a black shirt with a mortocycle riding woman
> named Betty Bitch! on the back and that's really cool too.
>
didn't have a favourite colour early on when he and his friends would ask,
but then I began to love blue because he did. Now he loves red. I still
love blue, and hold close the relationship that I remember that revolved
around that colour. But the colour change didn't change his moods. That is
what I am concerned about--the effect, not the change.
>I do appreciate all the time you are taking to help me work through this.
> Give it time. Give it time for him to stop feeling so in love with what
> he's doing that he isn't interested in anything else. Give it time for him
> to trust that you aren't going And while you are giving him the time to love
> his games you could read about Julie Persons experience with her son. It was
> when she stopped waiting for him to change and started loving what he was
> doing right than that he was able to expand out and embrace more in his
> life. http://www.lifelearningmagazine.com/0702/JanFeb07.pdf page 12.
>
Your questions give me time to pause and consider what my concerns are and
where they are coming from. I believe so whole-heatedly in supporting my
son as the person he is. He is undeniably the most gentle and full of life
person I have had the great pleasure of knowing. I will read the article
you have recommended and think about what you have said, and my family and I
will talk with each other to find the path that works best for all of us.
Gratefully,
Karen.
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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