Siblings of very different ages
griesellists
Again, just throwing our a question/dilemma to see what discussion comes of it.
My children are (almost) 9 (boy) and 3 (girl). Because of financial constraints, they are almost always together. My husband works days, and to make ends meet, I teach or tutor evenings and weekends.
One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and interests, and neither really wants to accommodate the other. Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play computer games. Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa). Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr. Seuss. Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?
Tamara
My children are (almost) 9 (boy) and 3 (girl). Because of financial constraints, they are almost always together. My husband works days, and to make ends meet, I teach or tutor evenings and weekends.
One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and interests, and neither really wants to accommodate the other. Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play computer games. Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa). Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr. Seuss. Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?
Tamara
Faith Void
My children are (almost) 9 (boy) and 3 (girl). Because of financial
constraints, they are almost always together. My husband works days, and to
make ends meet, I teach or tutor evenings and weekends.
***I have dd12, ds6 and dd1.5, so I have been there :-)
I understand that you feel like it is difficult to find separate time
together. Have you considered date nights? Each kid has one on one time with
each parent once a month. That's four nights a month. And it can be any
amount of time, we do 2 or so hours. We do things like $2 movies or buy tech
decks (ds needs about 2 hrs to select one- that doesn't work with the baby)
or a late park date or a walk or out for coffee.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and
interests, and neither really wants to accommodate the other.
***Of course they have different needs and interests. They would even if
they were closer in age. I think that it is your guidance that will help
them find out how to support each others interests. Through you they will
learn to accommodate each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play
computer games.
***Can ds bring a portable gaming system or a laptop our a portable DVD
player? Ds may be old enough to stay home for short bits, eventually leading
up to him staying home while you take dd to explore. Have you shown your
children how to problem solve? Have you asked them for solutions?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa).
***Does the sister have to come over? can you and the other mother swap
kids? Can DS stay in a closed room? Again, ask kids for ideas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr.
Seuss.
***Why do they have a bedtime? Is it the same? Can you read to whomever
needs it first? Do they have to be read to daily? Can they listen nicely to
each others story? Can they do something else while the other one is being
read yo?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop
out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
***That's not OK and she needs to be told and shown so. Can you have more
than one TV/DVD for watching. Freecycle and Craigslist have them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?
***My littlest ones trade. Eventually they learn that sharing feels good.
help them see that sharing doesn't mean that something is taken from you
that it means that you are gifting something to sometone. I never force my
kids to share. I think that helps. I try to make sure there is enough, If i
see the need for more I find ways to get more (of whatever). This can be
challenging with my middle child. Do you share well? I am not trying to be
rude just what kind of generous attitude or attitude of scarcity are you
showing them?
Faith
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
constraints, they are almost always together. My husband works days, and to
make ends meet, I teach or tutor evenings and weekends.
***I have dd12, ds6 and dd1.5, so I have been there :-)
I understand that you feel like it is difficult to find separate time
together. Have you considered date nights? Each kid has one on one time with
each parent once a month. That's four nights a month. And it can be any
amount of time, we do 2 or so hours. We do things like $2 movies or buy tech
decks (ds needs about 2 hrs to select one- that doesn't work with the baby)
or a late park date or a walk or out for coffee.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and
interests, and neither really wants to accommodate the other.
***Of course they have different needs and interests. They would even if
they were closer in age. I think that it is your guidance that will help
them find out how to support each others interests. Through you they will
learn to accommodate each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play
computer games.
***Can ds bring a portable gaming system or a laptop our a portable DVD
player? Ds may be old enough to stay home for short bits, eventually leading
up to him staying home while you take dd to explore. Have you shown your
children how to problem solve? Have you asked them for solutions?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa).
***Does the sister have to come over? can you and the other mother swap
kids? Can DS stay in a closed room? Again, ask kids for ideas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr.
Seuss.
***Why do they have a bedtime? Is it the same? Can you read to whomever
needs it first? Do they have to be read to daily? Can they listen nicely to
each others story? Can they do something else while the other one is being
read yo?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop
out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
***That's not OK and she needs to be told and shown so. Can you have more
than one TV/DVD for watching. Freecycle and Craigslist have them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?
***My littlest ones trade. Eventually they learn that sharing feels good.
help them see that sharing doesn't mean that something is taken from you
that it means that you are gifting something to sometone. I never force my
kids to share. I think that helps. I try to make sure there is enough, If i
see the need for more I find ways to get more (of whatever). This can be
challenging with my middle child. Do you share well? I am not trying to be
rude just what kind of generous attitude or attitude of scarcity are you
showing them?
Faith
--
http://faithvoid.blogspot.com/
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Lovejoy
-----Original Message-----
From: griesellists <griesellists@...>
My children are (almost) 9 (boy) and 3 (girl). Because of financial
constraints, they are almost always together. My husband works days, and to
make ends meet, I teach or tutor evenings and weekends.
One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and interests,
and neither really wants to accommodate the other.
-=-=-=-=-
I have two, eight years apart. Their interests have always been different. But I know families with twins whose interests and needs are *just* as diverse.
-=-=-=--=-
Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play computer games.
-=-=-=-=-
So many computer games are portable these days. I'd make sure he had an alternative if we needed to be out and about.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa).
-=-=-=-=-
Why can't the children stay at different friends' homes or have the friends over separately? Cameron often had friends over without their siblings and went to their houses frequently. Why do siblings have to be at the same place at the same time?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr. Seuss.
-=-=-=-=-
Do you have to read to them at the same time? Why can't you read twice? Give them *each* time.
-=-=-=-=-=
Andrew will be20watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop out his program and
put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
-=-=-=-=-=-
That's just unacceptable. Have you considered getting anther TV and DVD? Or having one watch on the computer?
-=-=-=-=-=-
What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?
-=-=-=-=-=-
What do they need to take turns doing?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: griesellists <griesellists@...>
My children are (almost) 9 (boy) and 3 (girl). Because of financial
constraints, they are almost always together. My husband works days, and to
make ends meet, I teach or tutor evenings and weekends.
One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and interests,
and neither really wants to accommodate the other.
-=-=-=-=-
I have two, eight years apart. Their interests have always been different. But I know families with twins whose interests and needs are *just* as diverse.
-=-=-=--=-
Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play computer games.
-=-=-=-=-
So many computer games are portable these days. I'd make sure he had an alternative if we needed to be out and about.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa).
-=-=-=-=-
Why can't the children stay at different friends' homes or have the friends over separately? Cameron often had friends over without their siblings and went to their houses frequently. Why do siblings have to be at the same place at the same time?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr. Seuss.
-=-=-=-=-
Do you have to read to them at the same time? Why can't you read twice? Give them *each* time.
-=-=-=-=-=
Andrew will be20watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop out his program and
put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
-=-=-=-=-=-
That's just unacceptable. Have you considered getting anther TV and DVD? Or having one watch on the computer?
-=-=-=-=-=-
What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?
-=-=-=-=-=-
What do they need to take turns doing?
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tamara Griesel
I understand that you feel like it is difficult to find separate time
together. Have you considered date nights? Each kid has one on one time with
each parent once a month. That's four nights a month. And it can be any
amount of time, we do 2 or so hours. We do things like $2 movies or buy tech
decks (ds needs about 2 hrs to select one- that doesn't work with the baby)
or a late park date or a walk or out for coffee.
We have considered and occasionally get to do date nights, or at least little moments. Rosalie also, lately, gets up a bit earlier than Drew, and sometimes sleeps in the early evening. Andrew will accompany me to the grocery store (Our neighborhod store is Bloom, and he likes to work the little scanner wand they have. Very cool, BTW, if you have a store that does it. You scan your groceries as you go yourself, bag them in the cart (they way you like them bagged), and get a running total on the scanner).
Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr.
Seuss.
***Why do they have a bedtime? Is it the same? Can you read to whomever
needs it first? Do they have to be read to daily? Can they listen nicely to
each others story? Can they do something else while the other one is being
read to?
They don't have a bedtime, as such, but they have bedtime stories, because they like them. Things have to settle a bit at midnight so Dad can get some sleep (small apartment, kids share the one bedroom), but Andrew can play games on his laptop up in bed or in the back room.
You know, the more I think about it, I think there are really two issues to solve. One is finding more independent time for each child, even in our small place and with our work schedules. The other is a residual from the time Andrew spent in school. He left school in late October with a lot of hostility, and he has always found managing his temper to be a struggle at the best of times. He still has a lot of anger and some bad habits from school (he was bullied and cruelly teased by teachers as well as other students). He tends to pick on her (insulting songs, teasing, and deciding he wants something they have to share just because she wants it.) She retaliates in kind, and sometimes it's hard to tell whether a particular conflict is over a shared resource or is for the sake of conflict.
Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop
out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
***That's not OK and she needs to be told and shown so. Can you have more
than one TV/DVD for watching. Freecycle and Craigslist have them.
We do have more than one, but one is more comfy than the other. She has been told and removed briefly from the room, numerous times. (This is an issue she has with everyone in the house, especially Daddy, because she doesn't always leave the DVDs she removes in safe places even when the player is free. At least now she has learned DVDs must be placed in the player one at a time.)
Eventually they learn that sharing feels good.
I'm probably being impatient. We only just started changing our style. They are improving. And it's not heck on earth here or anything. They do often enjoy each other's company. I need to practice consulting them for solutions when they're getting along.
Tamara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
together. Have you considered date nights? Each kid has one on one time with
each parent once a month. That's four nights a month. And it can be any
amount of time, we do 2 or so hours. We do things like $2 movies or buy tech
decks (ds needs about 2 hrs to select one- that doesn't work with the baby)
or a late park date or a walk or out for coffee.
We have considered and occasionally get to do date nights, or at least little moments. Rosalie also, lately, gets up a bit earlier than Drew, and sometimes sleeps in the early evening. Andrew will accompany me to the grocery store (Our neighborhod store is Bloom, and he likes to work the little scanner wand they have. Very cool, BTW, if you have a store that does it. You scan your groceries as you go yourself, bag them in the cart (they way you like them bagged), and get a running total on the scanner).
Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr.
Seuss.
***Why do they have a bedtime? Is it the same? Can you read to whomever
needs it first? Do they have to be read to daily? Can they listen nicely to
each others story? Can they do something else while the other one is being
read to?
They don't have a bedtime, as such, but they have bedtime stories, because they like them. Things have to settle a bit at midnight so Dad can get some sleep (small apartment, kids share the one bedroom), but Andrew can play games on his laptop up in bed or in the back room.
You know, the more I think about it, I think there are really two issues to solve. One is finding more independent time for each child, even in our small place and with our work schedules. The other is a residual from the time Andrew spent in school. He left school in late October with a lot of hostility, and he has always found managing his temper to be a struggle at the best of times. He still has a lot of anger and some bad habits from school (he was bullied and cruelly teased by teachers as well as other students). He tends to pick on her (insulting songs, teasing, and deciding he wants something they have to share just because she wants it.) She retaliates in kind, and sometimes it's hard to tell whether a particular conflict is over a shared resource or is for the sake of conflict.
Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop
out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.
***That's not OK and she needs to be told and shown so. Can you have more
than one TV/DVD for watching. Freecycle and Craigslist have them.
We do have more than one, but one is more comfy than the other. She has been told and removed briefly from the room, numerous times. (This is an issue she has with everyone in the house, especially Daddy, because she doesn't always leave the DVDs she removes in safe places even when the player is free. At least now she has learned DVDs must be placed in the player one at a time.)
Eventually they learn that sharing feels good.
I'm probably being impatient. We only just started changing our style. They are improving. And it's not heck on earth here or anything. They do often enjoy each other's company. I need to practice consulting them for solutions when they're getting along.
Tamara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
--- In [email protected], "griesellists" <griesellists@...> wrote:
With six years between them, its not surprising that they'd have vastly different needs and interests. My kids are 7 and 15 and they rarely want to do the same things, so we do a lot of problem solving around that. I don't expect them to accomodate each other, really - which makes it all the nicer when they go out of their ways to be kind to each other.
Rather than make this into a turn-taking issue, you could get another dvd player or maybe set one of the kids up to watch movies on the computer. Its much harder to be easygoing about sharing when kids feel like their competing for a limited resource. Pawn shops often have good deals on electronics.
At 9, is there any reason he *can't* stay home for an hour or two and play video games? Set him up with some snacks and tape your cell phone number (if you have one) to the home phone so he can contact you. Alternately, are there any kids your dd plays with regularly at the park? can you trade kid-watching with those families from time to time? Or find a baby sitter or mother's helper *just* to take a kid to the park or hang around the house while you go to the park.
Can the kids go to their friends' homes without you? Can you invite just the one child, and not the sibling? Can you engage your unhappy child in some special activity so that he or she doesn't have to interact with an unwelcome guest?
I'm assuming you read to both of them - does it have to be at the same time? Maybe you can settle one of them down earlier than the other. Or read at a different time of day. Or record the Dr Seuss stories (or the other story, but for the 3yo I'm guessing its the same handful of stories over and over, so that would be easier).
A clear "stopping point" is really important in turn taking - at the end of a level or a show or a round works for some kids, others prefer a designated amount of time. Something to experiment with. If kids aren't willing to take turns, if may mean that they don't have the patience (either developmentally or as a result of stress) or that they haven't felt that their needs are being met consistently. Its possible to create a sense of abundance, as opposed to "limited resources" even on a pretty thin budget! but it can take some creativity and forethought.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)
> One difficulty I have is that each child has very different needs and interests, and neither really wants to accommodate the other.*************************
With six years between them, its not surprising that they'd have vastly different needs and interests. My kids are 7 and 15 and they rarely want to do the same things, so we do a lot of problem solving around that. I don't expect them to accomodate each other, really - which makes it all the nicer when they go out of their ways to be kind to each other.
>Andrew will be watching a DVD and Rosalie will walk over to the player, pop out his program and put in a Dora the Explorer DVD.*********************
Rather than make this into a turn-taking issue, you could get another dvd player or maybe set one of the kids up to watch movies on the computer. Its much harder to be easygoing about sharing when kids feel like their competing for a limited resource. Pawn shops often have good deals on electronics.
>>Rosalie will want to go to the park, while Andrew wants to continue to play computer games.*************************
At 9, is there any reason he *can't* stay home for an hour or two and play video games? Set him up with some snacks and tape your cell phone number (if you have one) to the home phone so he can contact you. Alternately, are there any kids your dd plays with regularly at the park? can you trade kid-watching with those families from time to time? Or find a baby sitter or mother's helper *just* to take a kid to the park or hang around the house while you go to the park.
>Rosalie's best friend has a sister Andrew cannot stand (and vice versa).******************
Can the kids go to their friends' homes without you? Can you invite just the one child, and not the sibling? Can you engage your unhappy child in some special activity so that he or she doesn't have to interact with an unwelcome guest?
>>Andrew's bedtime story at present is Neverwhere, while Rosalie prefers Dr. Seuss.*********************
I'm assuming you read to both of them - does it have to be at the same time? Maybe you can settle one of them down earlier than the other. Or read at a different time of day. Or record the Dr Seuss stories (or the other story, but for the 3yo I'm guessing its the same handful of stories over and over, so that would be easier).
> What are some ways you have found to help younger children take turns?********
A clear "stopping point" is really important in turn taking - at the end of a level or a show or a round works for some kids, others prefer a designated amount of time. Something to experiment with. If kids aren't willing to take turns, if may mean that they don't have the patience (either developmentally or as a result of stress) or that they haven't felt that their needs are being met consistently. Its possible to create a sense of abundance, as opposed to "limited resources" even on a pretty thin budget! but it can take some creativity and forethought.
---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)