hmschleidt

I am writing this knowing I won't be able to respond for about a week
hoping that when I get back from a business conference I will get
some great advice from you all, as always!!

My parents are moving into our house (thankfully temporarily - about
2-3 months tops!). This being said, for this amount of time we will
have the "stress" that comes with more adults and more parenting
styles.

I try to respect my parents and, although I am the parenting head of
the house, I have always raised my children to listen to grandma and
grandpa if they are in charge. Much to my chagrin, they use time-
outs and take away privileges more than I would, however, if I ask
them to be in charge while I am out, etc I feel I have to abide by
their methods. Otherwise, I would (and sometimes do) hire a
babysitter that I pay for the services and can dictate how to take
care of my children.

Here is my dilemma:

Since my parents will be here more full-time, does anyone have any
suggestions as to how to handle things I disagree with when we are
doing things together. For example, we do not make our children sit
at the table after they are finished eating but my parents make
comments and expect them to sit quietly and wait for everyone to
finish. I realize I have the final decision, but sometimes it is ok
to be diplomatic, especially since they will be here ALL THE TIME!!

Also, my mother and I have a very strained relationship. My sister
died 5 years ago and my mother has never moved on to a different
level of emotion about this. I, on the other hand, have come to
terms with it and am in a happy place now. My mother resents this
from me, as well as she HATES that I homeschool. She won't even have
conversations about it, nor does she attend 90% of the things we do
with the homeschool community.

If I offend my mother, I get the silent treatment for DAYS! After
giving birth to my third child she didn't speak to me on Christmas
Day because she disagreed with the turkey cooking time (no joke -
yes, she has issues!!!)

So, with all that being said, I am taking the book "Raising Our
Children, Raising Ourselves" to finish reading and get some ideas,
but could use some practical advice or first-hand stories. I won't
be rude to my parents and tell them it's my way or the highway. I
value the relationship they have with the grandkids too much. But,
maybe somebody has some ideas about how to handle things when we
disagree, especially considering that she is not supportive of my
lifestyle, homeschooling, letting the kids have freedom, etc.

Thanks in advance, chat with you all in a week!
Heather (in Ohio)

Pam Sorooshian

Make a list of the specific things you can think of. Do this in advance
- not after they've moved in. Be very specific - 1. Anyone, including
kids, can leave table when they decide to do so.
2. Anyone, including kids, can go to bed when they feel they are ready.
3. Nobody will be shut in their room as a punishment.
and so on....

Make a long and detailed list - and post it somewhere, on the
refrigerator, maybe.

You can call it "House Rules" even though it will really be a list of
"House Unrules" <g>.

Add things to it as they come up. Get your kids input.

Tell your parents you want everyone to get along well, so, to avoid
conflict, you want to make it clear what is allowed in your house,
because you realize it is unconventional.


-pam

Kelly Lovejoy

-----Original Message-----
From: Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...>

Tell your parents you want everyone to get along well, so, to avoid
conflict, you want to make it clear what is allowed in your house,
because you realize it is unconventional.

-=-=-=-




And if it's *written down*, it's less likely to be misinterpreted/misconstrued.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." ~Ghandi










[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

cindybablitz

Hi Heather:

I'm curious to read what wisdom and insight and suggestions others
will come up with for you. I really am -- because my first, and
maybe only -- response is entirely unhelpful, I'm sure ... but is the
foremost question that comes up: why are you inviting this pressure
cooker into your home?

To me it sounds like conflict and resentment aren't probabilities --
they're certainties. My instinct says, given what you have
described, is to be VERY clear about 'discipline' and parenting
decision boundaries with your parents BEFORE they move in
temporarily. AND be VERY clear about the move out date. I'd talk
with the kids ahead of time, reviewing the possible conflicts that
might occur and strategize *with them* on how to handle uncomfortable
or heated moments when grandma wants something different from or
about them then what as a family you have established as a grounding.

Given the volatility and immaturity of what you've described, I'd
much rather err on the side of being completely frank, (ie: "It's
not ok to try to shame our children into going to bed. They stay up
as long as they want. Period. My children are 'allowed' to leave
the table when they're done eating. Period. You will never, ever,
forcibly manhandle my children. Period. If you disagree with any of
our parental decisions, you can discuss with me, in private. If you
are upset about any of those decisions, I want you to know I will
always invite an open conversation, rooted in loving respect, about
how and why we came to them. I appreciate that you have a right to
your opinions. I'll ask you to appreciate the same about me.") ahead
of moving in, and possibly in that frankness earning a passive
agressive sulk from your mother than try to establish the boundaries
once their already inside them, where there might be perceived more
lattitude than you're comfortable with.

Good luck! Oof!

Cindy

Host of Alphabet Soup: 2009 Calgary Unschooling Conference
http://www.alphabetsoupconference.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlphabetSoupConference/




--- In [email protected], "hmschleidt"
<hmschleidt@...> wrote:
>
> I am writing this knowing I won't be able to respond for about a
week
> hoping that when I get back from a business conference I will get
> some great advice from you all, as always!!
>
> My parents are moving into our house (thankfully temporarily -
about
> 2-3 months tops!). This being said, for this amount of time we
will
> have the "stress" that comes with more adults and more parenting
> styles.
>
> I try to respect my parents and, although I am the parenting head
of
> the house, I have always raised my children to listen to grandma
and
> grandpa if they are in charge. Much to my chagrin, they use time-
> outs and take away privileges more than I would, however, if I ask
> them to be in charge while I am out, etc I feel I have to abide by
> their methods. Otherwise, I would (and sometimes do) hire a
> babysitter that I pay for the services and can dictate how to take
> care of my children.
>
> Here is my dilemma:
>
> Since my parents will be here more full-time, does anyone have any
> suggestions as to how to handle things I disagree with when we are
> doing things together. For example, we do not make our children
sit
> at the table after they are finished eating but my parents make
> comments and expect them to sit quietly and wait for everyone to
> finish. I realize I have the final decision, but sometimes it is
ok
> to be diplomatic, especially since they will be here ALL THE TIME!!
>
> Also, my mother and I have a very strained relationship. My sister
> died 5 years ago and my mother has never moved on to a different
> level of emotion about this. I, on the other hand, have come to
> terms with it and am in a happy place now. My mother resents this
> from me, as well as she HATES that I homeschool. She won't even
have
> conversations about it, nor does she attend 90% of the things we do
> with the homeschool community.
>
> If I offend my mother, I get the silent treatment for DAYS! After
> giving birth to my third child she didn't speak to me on Christmas
> Day because she disagreed with the turkey cooking time (no joke -
> yes, she has issues!!!)
>
> So, with all that being said, I am taking the book "Raising Our
> Children, Raising Ourselves" to finish reading and get some ideas,
> but could use some practical advice or first-hand stories. I won't
> be rude to my parents and tell them it's my way or the highway. I
> value the relationship they have with the grandkids too much. But,
> maybe somebody has some ideas about how to handle things when we
> disagree, especially considering that she is not supportive of my
> lifestyle, homeschooling, letting the kids have freedom, etc.
>
> Thanks in advance, chat with you all in a week!
> Heather (in Ohio)
>

Heather & Markus Schleidt

Cindy,



First of all - thanks to everyone for their helpful insight. Everyone seems to be saying be CLEAR about expectations and I am in the process of drawing up some rules for all to follow and posting them. This should help immensely. I have also had a few conversations with my oldest two about respecting each adult individually but that mommy and daddy are their parents and they can continue to follow our house "rules".



To answer your question, my father quit his job in order to help my husband open up his second restaurant. It is something my father has been excited about (like a 16 year old with a new car) for the past year and since the reality is going to happen in two months, he wants to be helping from the get-go. My father quit his full-time job and took a hefty pay cut to do this, but it has been his dream and desire for the past year, and we are just as happy about it as he is. He will be a FABULOUS help for the future of our business.



Because my father took this pay cut and still has a house in his hometown, we offered to let them live in our rental property for free. We would still continue to pay the mortgage but not charge them. This will stretch us somewhat financially, but not to any breaking point. Our current renters are only paying about 1/2 the rent right now and at least with my parents there we know the property will be taken care of. We don't want to sell the house in this economy and haven't needed to yet.



Since we have renters in our house, we have to give them 60 days notice due to our contract. Then there will need to be a few weeks to get it back in shape. This is the reason why my parents are moving in with us. Probably not the single best idea for us, but they still have a house payment and we cannot afford to pay our house, the rental and an apartment or hotel, too. My mother cannot be left alone for too many days because of her physical (and I would say mental) condition, so my father will not let her live in their old house until it sells because he doesn't trust her to be able to take care of herself properly (she has earned this lack of trust based on some previous actions of not taking care of herself and landing in the hospital). Luckily, about the move out date, they will be ready to move out as soon as the house is ready, so that won't be an issue.



Today was the first day back from my trip and it went smoothly, however, my husband took the day off, so that helped.



Anyway, that is my situation in a nutshell. I really appreciate the wisdom everyone has given me - especially that I should be prepared for this to be volatile. I think I knew that but by hearing other people say it, now I REALLY know it!!



Thanks,

Heather



To: [email protected]
From: cindy.bablitz@...
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:15:57 +0000
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Four different parenting styles - HELP!!





Hi Heather:

I'm curious to read what wisdom and insight and suggestions others
will come up with for you. I really am -- because my first, and
maybe only -- response is entirely unhelpful, I'm sure ... but is the
foremost question that comes up: why are you inviting this pressure
cooker into your home?

To me it sounds like conflict and resentment aren't probabilities --
they're certainties. My instinct says, given what you have
described, is to be VERY clear about 'discipline' and parenting
decision boundaries with your parents BEFORE they move in
temporarily. AND be VERY clear about the move out date. I'd talk
with the kids ahead of time, reviewing the possible conflicts that
might occur and strategize *with them* on how to handle uncomfortable
or heated moments when grandma wants something different from or
about them then what as a family you have established as a grounding.

Given the volatility and immaturity of what you've described, I'd
much rather err on the side of being completely frank, (ie: "It's
not ok to try to shame our children into going to bed. They stay up
as long as they want. Period. My children are 'allowed' to leave
the table when they're done eating. Period. You will never, ever,
forcibly manhandle my children. Period. If you disagree with any of
our parental decisions, you can discuss with me, in private. If you
are upset about any of those decisions, I want you to know I will
always invite an open conversation, rooted in loving respect, about
how and why we came to them. I appreciate that you have a right to
your opinions. I'll ask you to appreciate the same about me.") ahead
of moving in, and possibly in that frankness earning a passive
agressive sulk from your mother than try to establish the boundaries
once their already inside them, where there might be perceived more
lattitude than you're comfortable with.

Good luck! Oof!

Cindy

Host of Alphabet Soup: 2009 Calgary Unschooling Conference
http://www.alphabetsoupconference.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlphabetSoupConference/

--- In [email protected], "hmschleidt"
<hmschleidt@...> wrote:
>
> I am writing this knowing I won't be able to respond for about a
week
> hoping that when I get back from a business conference I will get
> some great advice from you all, as always!!
>
> My parents are moving into our house (thankfully temporarily -
about
> 2-3 months tops!). This being said, for this amount of time we
will
> have the "stress" that comes with more adults and more parenting
> styles.
>
> I try to respect my parents and, although I am the parenting head
of
> the house, I have always raised my children to listen to grandma
and
> grandpa if they are in charge. Much to my chagrin, they use time-
> outs and take away privileges more than I would, however, if I ask
> them to be in charge while I am out, etc I feel I have to abide by
> their methods. Otherwise, I would (and sometimes do) hire a
> babysitter that I pay for the services and can dictate how to take
> care of my children.
>
> Here is my dilemma:
>
> Since my parents will be here more full-time, does anyone have any
> suggestions as to how to handle things I disagree with when we are
> doing things together. For example, we do not make our children
sit
> at the table after they are finished eating but my parents make
> comments and expect them to sit quietly and wait for everyone to
> finish. I realize I have the final decision, but sometimes it is
ok
> to be diplomatic, especially since they will be here ALL THE TIME!!
>
> Also, my mother and I have a very strained relationship. My sister
> died 5 years ago and my mother has never moved on to a different
> level of emotion about this. I, on the other hand, have come to
> terms with it and am in a happy place now. My mother resents this
> from me, as well as she HATES that I homeschool. She won't even
have
> conversations about it, nor does she attend 90% of the things we do
> with the homeschool community.
>
> If I offend my mother, I get the silent treatment for DAYS! After
> giving birth to my third child she didn't speak to me on Christmas
> Day because she disagreed with the turkey cooking time (no joke -
> yes, she has issues!!!)
>
> So, with all that being said, I am taking the book "Raising Our
> Children, Raising Ourselves" to finish reading and get some ideas,
> but could use some practical advice or first-hand stories. I won't
> be rude to my parents and tell them it's my way or the highway. I
> value the relationship they have with the grandkids too much. But,
> maybe somebody has some ideas about how to handle things when we
> disagree, especially considering that she is not supportive of my
> lifestyle, homeschooling, letting the kids have freedom, etc.
>
> Thanks in advance, chat with you all in a week!
> Heather (in Ohio)
>









_________________________________________________________________
Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail.
http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_AE_Access_022009

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

cindybablitz

Heather, what an interesting dynamic! The launch of a new business
and with your father's help -- that's fantastic! You 'read' like you
have thought about this, and have a clear plan, and thoughtful cause
for all the 'why's. I wish you all the best through the next few
months!

loving,

Cindy

Host of Alphabet Soup: 2009 Calgary Unschooling Conference
http://www.alphabetsoupconference.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlphabetSoupConference/


--- In [email protected], Heather & Markus Schleidt
<hmschleidt@...> wrote:
>
>
> Cindy,
>
>
>
> First of all - thanks to everyone for their helpful insight.
Everyone seems to be saying be CLEAR about expectations and I am in
the process of drawing up some rules for all to follow and posting
them. This should help immensely. I have also had a few
conversations with my oldest two about respecting each adult
individually but that mommy and daddy are their parents and they can
continue to follow our house "rules".
>
>
>
> To answer your question, my father quit his job in order to help my
husband open up his second restaurant. It is something my father has
been excited about (like a 16 year old with a new car) for the past
year and since the reality is going to happen in two months, he wants
to be helping from the get-go. My father quit his full-time job and
took a hefty pay cut to do this, but it has been his dream and desire
for the past year, and we are just as happy about it as he is. He
will be a FABULOUS help for the future of our business.
>
>
>
> Because my father took this pay cut and still has a house in his
hometown, we offered to let them live in our rental property for
free. We would still continue to pay the mortgage but not charge
them. This will stretch us somewhat financially, but not to any
breaking point. Our current renters are only paying about 1/2 the
rent right now and at least with my parents there we know the
property will be taken care of. We don't want to sell the house in
this economy and haven't needed to yet.
>
>
>
> Since we have renters in our house, we have to give them 60 days
notice due to our contract. Then there will need to be a few weeks
to get it back in shape. This is the reason why my parents are
moving in with us. Probably not the single best idea for us, but
they still have a house payment and we cannot afford to pay our
house, the rental and an apartment or hotel, too. My mother cannot
be left alone for too many days because of her physical (and I would
say mental) condition, so my father will not let her live in their
old house until it sells because he doesn't trust her to be able to
take care of herself properly (she has earned this lack of trust
based on some previous actions of not taking care of herself and
landing in the hospital). Luckily, about the move out date, they
will be ready to move out as soon as the house is ready, so that
won't be an issue.
>
>
>
> Today was the first day back from my trip and it went smoothly,
however, my husband took the day off, so that helped.
>
>
>
> Anyway, that is my situation in a nutshell. I really appreciate
the wisdom everyone has given me - especially that I should be
prepared for this to be volatile. I think I knew that but by hearing
other people say it, now I REALLY know it!!
>
>
>
> Thanks,
>
> Heather
>
>
>
> To: [email protected]
> From: cindy.bablitz@...
> Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:15:57 +0000
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Four different parenting styles -
HELP!!
>
>
>
>
>
> Hi Heather:
>
> I'm curious to read what wisdom and insight and suggestions others
> will come up with for you. I really am -- because my first, and
> maybe only -- response is entirely unhelpful, I'm sure ... but is
the
> foremost question that comes up: why are you inviting this pressure
> cooker into your home?
>
> To me it sounds like conflict and resentment aren't probabilities --

> they're certainties. My instinct says, given what you have
> described, is to be VERY clear about 'discipline' and parenting
> decision boundaries with your parents BEFORE they move in
> temporarily. AND be VERY clear about the move out date. I'd talk
> with the kids ahead of time, reviewing the possible conflicts that
> might occur and strategize *with them* on how to handle
uncomfortable
> or heated moments when grandma wants something different from or
> about them then what as a family you have established as a
grounding.
>
> Given the volatility and immaturity of what you've described, I'd
> much rather err on the side of being completely frank, (ie: "It's
> not ok to try to shame our children into going to bed. They stay up
> as long as they want. Period. My children are 'allowed' to leave
> the table when they're done eating. Period. You will never, ever,
> forcibly manhandle my children. Period. If you disagree with any of
> our parental decisions, you can discuss with me, in private. If you
> are upset about any of those decisions, I want you to know I will
> always invite an open conversation, rooted in loving respect, about
> how and why we came to them. I appreciate that you have a right to
> your opinions. I'll ask you to appreciate the same about me.")
ahead
> of moving in, and possibly in that frankness earning a passive
> agressive sulk from your mother than try to establish the
boundaries
> once their already inside them, where there might be perceived more
> lattitude than you're comfortable with.
>
> Good luck! Oof!
>
> Cindy
>
> Host of Alphabet Soup: 2009 Calgary Unschooling Conference
> http://www.alphabetsoupconference.com/
> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlphabetSoupConference/
>
> --- In [email protected], "hmschleidt"
> <hmschleidt@> wrote:
> >
> > I am writing this knowing I won't be able to respond for about a
> week
> > hoping that when I get back from a business conference I will get
> > some great advice from you all, as always!!
> >
> > My parents are moving into our house (thankfully temporarily -
> about
> > 2-3 months tops!). This being said, for this amount of time we
> will
> > have the "stress" that comes with more adults and more parenting
> > styles.
> >
> > I try to respect my parents and, although I am the parenting head
> of
> > the house, I have always raised my children to listen to grandma
> and
> > grandpa if they are in charge. Much to my chagrin, they use time-
> > outs and take away privileges more than I would, however, if I
ask
> > them to be in charge while I am out, etc I feel I have to abide
by
> > their methods. Otherwise, I would (and sometimes do) hire a
> > babysitter that I pay for the services and can dictate how to
take
> > care of my children.
> >
> > Here is my dilemma:
> >
> > Since my parents will be here more full-time, does anyone have
any
> > suggestions as to how to handle things I disagree with when we
are
> > doing things together. For example, we do not make our children
> sit
> > at the table after they are finished eating but my parents make
> > comments and expect them to sit quietly and wait for everyone to
> > finish. I realize I have the final decision, but sometimes it is
> ok
> > to be diplomatic, especially since they will be here ALL THE
TIME!!
> >
> > Also, my mother and I have a very strained relationship. My
sister
> > died 5 years ago and my mother has never moved on to a different
> > level of emotion about this. I, on the other hand, have come to
> > terms with it and am in a happy place now. My mother resents this
> > from me, as well as she HATES that I homeschool. She won't even
> have
> > conversations about it, nor does she attend 90% of the things we
do
> > with the homeschool community.
> >
> > If I offend my mother, I get the silent treatment for DAYS! After
> > giving birth to my third child she didn't speak to me on
Christmas
> > Day because she disagreed with the turkey cooking time (no joke -
> > yes, she has issues!!!)
> >
> > So, with all that being said, I am taking the book "Raising Our
> > Children, Raising Ourselves" to finish reading and get some
ideas,
> > but could use some practical advice or first-hand stories. I
won't
> > be rude to my parents and tell them it's my way or the highway. I
> > value the relationship they have with the grandkids too much.
But,
> > maybe somebody has some ideas about how to handle things when we
> > disagree, especially considering that she is not supportive of my
> > lifestyle, homeschooling, letting the kids have freedom, etc.
> >
> > Thanks in advance, chat with you all in a week!
> > Heather (in Ohio)
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Access your email online and on the go with Windows Live Hotmail.
> http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?
ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_HM_AE_Access_022009
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

diana jenner

oooh! I'm glad this resurfaced :) I was just thinking the other day: How
about she just tells them they're here to grand-parent and all parenting
should be left to the parents? So there's my advice :)
Tell them they're welcome to do all those gramma/grampa things they've
always dreamed of doing with the kids -- no fussy parental buzzkill, just
g-parent fun, fun, fun!! :D
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com


On Fri, Feb 20, 2009 at 9:14 PM, Heather & Markus Schleidt <
hmschleidt@...> wrote:

>
> Cindy,
>
> First of all - thanks to everyone for their helpful insight. Everyone seems
> to be saying be CLEAR about expectations and I am in the process of drawing
> up some rules for all to follow and posting them. This should help
> immensely. I have also had a few conversations with my oldest two about
> respecting each adult individually but that mommy and daddy are their
> parents and they can continue to follow our house "rules".
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pam Sorooshian

On 2/21/2009 4:50 PM, diana jenner wrote:
> Tell them they're welcome to do all those gramma/grampa things they've
> always dreamed of doing with the kids -- no fussy parental buzzkill, just
> g-parent fun, fun, fun!! :D
>

Great idea. Vicki Lansky has a book about grandparenting that focuses on
fun things to do together.

Maybe find some kind of really sweet description of what a
grandparent/grandchild relationship can be - post that somewhere in the
house, too.

-pam