Christie Craigie-Carter

So last night, I mentioned to my dh how my mother claimed that by not
"making" my kids go to school, they are more likely to have terrible work
ethic when they get older or some such, and it launched into me checking out
if he too feels like we've been moving in different directions of late. He
explained the allowance and chore thing to me further. He started giving a
little more than a dollar per week (our oldest gets a dollar and 5 cents, 3
quarters, 3 dimes) and he made three piggy banks for them: save, give and
spend. He's also instituted a list of chores that we could use help with,
which the kids seem to enjoy and he does not seem to want to tie to
allowance anymore. He was upset that I shut down the conversation with the
curt "No" when he brought up tying allowance to chores, and I apologized
again.

At any rate, the kids seem to be happy with what he has proposed, but I did
do some questioning of "what if so and so doesn't do x", etc. He seems okay
with that. Then, I got a bit emotional, explaining that I think we are at a
crossroads with our oldest (7), who doesn't believe to his core that we love
him and respect him, even though we very much do. Clearly, that indicates
to me that *we* need to make some changes. I explained to him how much I
want it to be so that when he is 17 (or whatever age), and, for example, is
thinking about drinking when he goes out, that he can talk to us and make
arrangements for us to pick him up or what have you. In short, I want him
to feel close enough and loved enough by us that he can be himself, so that
the guiding principle that I'm trying to live by is "does this build upon
our relationship or tear it down?" when I interact with him (which I thank
you all for).

I acknowledged that I've failed miserably a few times recently, but that I'm
trying to be aware and recognize it without beating myself up which only
seems to make it worse. He said he felt better after the conversation, so
we'll see where this goes.

Thanks,

Christie


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Christie Craigie-Carter"
<craigiecarter@...> wrote:
>> I acknowledged that I've failed miserably a few times recently,
but that I'm
> trying to be aware and recognize it without beating myself up which
only
> seems to make it worse. He said he felt better after the
conversation, so
> we'll see where this goes.
******************************

I've found that these kinds of conversations can be really valuble in
terms of helping partners move closer to unschooling. So much of
unschooling has to do with being kinder and more open with our kids.
Our partners can see that, and can find themselves wanting a piece of
the action! although they may not always be able to articulate that.

Talking about mistakes can help, too - with partners *and* kids. It
helps to be able to see inside someone else's process, as it were,
even when (maybe especially when) that process doesn't produce a
perfect result. It makes us all more human, more genuine and
approachable.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)