logan_rose_porter

My DS (20 months) has always said "OW" when he was hurting somebody. He has reached
a point where it is more the gesture than the actual hurting. It used to be a combination of
scratching and hitting usually on the face. I came to RU boards for advice when this
started and was told to say "OW" (thus where he got it from). And things like "that hurts"
and "I dont like being hurt". This was probably getting close to a year ago when it started.
But now he kind of just says OW and hits your face, but doesnt (usually!) actually hurt me
or whoever it is.

I have found there are many motivations behind it. Sometimes its anger, like another child
steals something he had or wont hand over something he wants for example). A lot of
times its a need to physically connect with someone. And often its just a physical
boisterous kind of release. More rarely its about attention. And other times its kind of hard
to work out what prompted it but have ruled out the others.

Obviously just saying that hurts etc hasnt been working for us. I have tried A LOT of
things, all the while trying to maintain respect for my son the whole time. I have given him
lots of indoor physical toys to give him an outlet for that (like hammer pegs- sword
fighting etc). I try to intervene whenever I see that "look" when he's interacting with
someone else, but he tends to then redirect it at me and apart from physically holding
both hands back (which upsets him/makes him madder) I havent found a way to stop it in
the moment. Lately the thing we have been mostly doing is saying "______ doesnt like
OW's" and then talking about other things said person DOES like, Hi-5's, tickles, and other
physical things which are fun for him to do. It sometimes works after the first OW and
changes his mood. Sometimes the only thing which 'works' is just removing him.

Im at my wits end with the whole thing. Am I handling things "right"? Is there any other
things people could suggest for stopping it before it happens or immediately after. Its
mostly pretty hard to know when he is going to do it because even if he has a reason for it,
its within him until released in the OW- if that makes sense. Just looking for some ideas
on this as it is reaching the point where even Im starting to think he needs some more
'discipline'. I've thought of doing something like a time in, as in I would pick him up and
remove him from the room immediately, but I see no way that this would have any effect
as he is always with me anyway. And how does it 'teach' anything unless I attached a rule
to it that he couldnt go back or lectured him on what he did or something, neither of
which seems right to me.

Thanks,
Logan

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "logan_rose_porter"
<logan_rose_porter@...> wrote:
>> Obviously just saying that hurts etc hasnt been working for us.

I'm going to disagree with you, there! Because you also said:

> But now he kind of just says OW and hits your face, but doesnt
(usually!) actually hurt me
> or whoever it is.

Change is happening. Its just happening more slowly than you'd
like ;) Some kids are really into putting their hands in other
people's faces. Its some kind of strange, basic impulse. Its
something they eventually grow out of, but in the meantime the
priority is to keep people from being hurt. If he's not hurting
that's Great!

> I have found there are many motivations behind it. Sometimes its
anger, like another child
> steals something he had or wont hand over something he wants for
example). A lot of
> times its a need to physically connect with someone. And often its
just a physical
> boisterous kind of release. More rarely its about attention. And
other times its kind of hard
> to work out what prompted it but have ruled out the others.

I'm betting that the need to both connect and express himself
physically are the biggest underlying motivations. He doesn't have
very many skills yet - even though I'm sure he seems to have more all
the time, he's still pretty little. So going for a face is an
attractive way to communicate because its effective. It get someone's
attention and gets a response.

Since he's drawn to faces in this way, you might want to create some
special games or ways to play together that are all about faces. Can
he stroke your face? Is there something he can rub on your face, like
lotion - lanolin maybe (nice and safe around the eyes)? Brushing your
hair might be good, too. That might help to "fill him up" so he's
able to explore other ways of communicating.

>I try to intervene whenever I see that "look" when he's interacting
with
> someone else,

Great! Best thing to do in the moment...

> but he tends to then redirect it at me and apart from physically
holding
> both hands back (which upsets him/makes him madder) I havent found
a way to stop it in
> the moment.

A certain amount of the problem is sheer inability to control his own
behavior. Its totally possible that - Right Now - once he starts an
action he can't stop it even if he wanted to. That's not something
you can solve quickly, its a developmental issue. You can help by
finding ways for him to use his hands delicately and gently so that
he builds up some better control over his body, but there's no
overnight fix.

>Lately the thing we have been mostly doing is saying "______ doesnt
like
> OW's" and then talking about other things said person DOES like, Hi-
5's, tickles, and other
> physical things which are fun for him to do. It sometimes works
after the first OW and
> changes his mood.

Sounds good to me - good idea to talk about what the other person
does like, too.

>Sometimes the only thing which 'works' is just removing him.

Well, yes. He's not even 2 yet. Still a lot of learning to do -
communication skills, physical skills, impulse control, empathy,
patience....

> Im starting to think he needs some more
> 'discipline'.

I know a family where the dd pokes people in the face for all the
same sorts of reasons you listed above. They discipline her for it
(time out) but it has never once, that I know of, stopped her from
doing it. She's nine, and I've seen her slowly start to grow out of
it, but she still sometimes pokes if she's really curious or trying
to get someone's attention. It really is an impulse she can't fully
control yet.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)