Anita

I have a 13-yr old son whose had some classroom school and some
homeschooling? He is currently using a computer-driven program. How
do I make sure he gets what he needs? What if his father decides he
needs to go back into class again? How can I make sure I provide him
with experiences that I can document for transfer?

P.S. He is far too internet savvy and I have to keep chasing him away
from the dark side of MySpace.

Pamela Sorooshian

On Dec 1, 2008, at 9:23 PM, Anita wrote:

> P.S. He is far too internet savvy and I have to keep chasing him away
> from the dark side of MySpace.

What's that?

I'm sure people will step in and respond to the rest of your
questions, but it is late and I have to go to bed, but I'm curious
about the "dark side of MySpace."

You might want to mention why you've taken him out of school - what
are your reasons for homeschooling?

-pam

Joyce Fetteroll

On Dec 2, 2008, at 12:23 AM, Anita wrote:

> P.S. He is far too internet savvy and I have to keep chasing him away
> from the dark side of MySpace.

Not sure what this is, but whatever it is, it's not going to work.
You can't stop an interest by chasing someone away from it. You'll
only increase the curiosity and, worse, you'll teach him to be sneaky
in order to get to it.

Control is an illusion. Kids can learn to act obedient, but will
learn to do what they want out of parents' sight. Is that what you want?

Keep the lines of communication open. Ask what he likes about it
without ever saying "but". Don't try to dissuade him. Don't give him
the idea that you're gathering ammunition on ways to shut him down
because then he'll shut up. You have the opportunity to be an
influence in his life, a trusted person he comes to for advice. If
you try to control him, he'll go elsewhere for advice.


> How
> do I make sure he gets what he needs?

Needs for what, though? Needs for life or needs for school?

We don't even question that school is providing what kids need, but
what percentage of what you learned in school do you actually need
and use?

What we need is what helps us explore and further and use our
interests. And the best way to get it is by exploring our interests.

Despite what educators suggest from the ways schools are run, we
don't need to learn before we "do". Humans are hardwired to learn
*by* doing, not before doing. That's why schools have such a hard
time teaching. They're going against our natural ways of learning.

> What if his father decides he
> needs to go back into class again?

What if you knew he'd break a leg next year? Would you break it now
so he'd be used to it?

I know that sounds sarcastic, but if a child might end up in a place
that's not the best, then why disrupt what's good for what's bad (and
might not even happen)?

If it does happen, then you can tackle it at the time. It *doesn't*
take 8 years to prepare for 9th grade. If he's there willingly, he
can catch up as he goes. If he's there unwillingly, it will take
longer, but still not a reason to compromise the right now for an
uncertain future that won't do him any good.

> How can I make sure I provide him
> with experiences that I can document for transfer?

By becoming as well informed as you can about homeschooling laws in
your state. (Check at http://www.nhen.org) *Don't* try to make him
look like a recreation of a schooled child. *Do* make him look like a
child who is out exploring the world.

One day people are going to look at schools and wonder how anyone
could possibly learn locked away from the world absorbing predigested
information. Unschooled kids are the ones out in the world learning
about the world hands on. Their education is far superior.

Here's a couple of things to read:

http://sandradodd.com/schoolchoice
http://sandradodd.com/joyce/products

Joyce



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "Anita" <raininspain@...>
wrote:
> What if his father decides he
> needs to go back into class again?

My stepson's mom periodically gets nervous about the whole radical
unschooling thing - her other child is in school, and Ray was too, when
he lived with her, so she's very much invested in schoolish ideas. So
some of the "documenting" we do is aimed at reassuring her that Ray's
doing as well as, if not better than, he would in school. We do that by
sort of "translating" Ray's everyday life into educational terms so she
can "see" some of the learning going on.

For awhile we did that by means of a blog, but now we've switched to
more direct conversations. Does your son's father live with you? I
didn't want to assume, since you didn't refer to him as a husband or
partner. If he does, try to tell him at least one thing every day -
some pleasant story about your son's daily life. It doesn't have to
be "this is what he learned about today" in fact, its probably better
if it isn't about that. Better to give dad a way to touch base with his
son and the family - dads *need* that! It helps them feel like they're
a valuble part of the family (I say dads, but it applies to any parent
who works out of the home). If he has computer access at work, email
him or start a blog so he can "check in" with the family from time to
time. Makes sure to send lots of pix!

If you can help you son's dad feel more involved in his life, he's far
far less likely to say "back to school!"

>How
> do I make sure he gets what he needs?

Its important to take some time to think about what you think a
person "needs" to live in the world. With all the many varied
possibilities stretching out into the future, what does any one person
need? Thats a big, philosophical question! Try to avoid getting
sidetracked by worrying about standards and grade-levels
and "readiness" as you think about that. The big, philosophical answers
you come up with may seem unsatisfying Because they aren't going to be
things you can teach or assure. How can you teach self-confidence? How
can you assure integrity? Its so much easier to cling to questions
about science and math and how much foreign language? In the long run,
the answers to those, simpler questions - the academic questions - are
things you can have no way of ever possibly knowing. No crystal ball
will show you your son in twenty years.

How do unschoolers know if our kids are getting what they need? We look
at our kids and talk with our kids and play and cuddle and simply Be in
their precious company. If one of my kids is struggling in some way,
I'll work to help out. Recently both my kids wanted their dad to engage
with them a bit more and each told me in different ways. So I've been
working to help that happen - helping build bridges of love and
communication and trust. All people benefit from those and people of
every age benefit from helping build those kinds of bridges.

One of the advantages of moving to radical unschooling with a teen is
you get to watch him soften. If you give him the opportunity, he'll
slowly shed many of those layers of resistance and indifference that
he's built up as a kind of coping mechanism in school. To allow that to
happen, you have to shed some of your own layers. Here's a link to some
information about deschooling for parents:

http://sandradodd.com/deschooling

> P.S. He is far too internet savvy and I have to keep chasing him away
> from the dark side of MySpace.

Trying to keep him away from things will more likely lead to him being
sneaky and "getting in deeper" than he would have otherwise. I don't
know what you mean by "dark side" entirely, but Ray (now 15) has had
his forays into the world of internet porn. He's been interested,
titilated, disgusted, scandalized... the whole range of reactions. What
he hasn't felt a need to do is to look at things he's not comfortable
with as a way of defying his parents or proving something. He can close
the window and Tell His Dad that he was upset or disgusted or freaked
out.

In fact, it was at Ray's request that we stopped allowing one of our
neighbors to check email on our computer - the fellow was looking at
some pretty gross porn sites and Ray happened across them in
the "history" went to look and was horrified - and came straight to me
and George. Exactly what you'd want your kid to do, right? But so many
kids won't do that bc they don't want to face the "tenth degree" of why
did they go to that site? why did they even want to look? Haven't I
warned you...?

Developing that kind of relationship, when you've been "chasing him
away from the dark side" will take more than just throwing up your
hands and saying "I can't stop you!" Find a way to talk with your son
about your concerns *and* let him know that you're willing to Trust
him. Ask him (maybe in a separate context) if he feels like he's
lacking some resources. Many times kids check out "the dark side" of
any of a number of topics bc its an obvious source of information
(right or wrong, its a place to start). Consider finding another adult
who's willing to play mentor to your guy so he has someone other than
his parents he can open up to, ask difficult questions, that sort of
thing. Ray has a couple adult friends who act in that capacity.
Sometimes they pass information on to me and George, sometimes not -
interestingly, sometimes Ray will ask one of his adult friends to
discuss a topic *for* him, if he's shy about bringing it up himself.

One of the things that people of all ages need (linking back to that
part of your question) is to have some trust - to be able to trust, and
to feel trusted. You have a wonderful opportunity to offer that trust
to your son. To be a trusted ally and a person who offers up trust as a
gift. Bringing more Trust into our kids' lives is a big, big part of
what allows unschooled teens to be softer, less defensive.

---Meredith (Mo 7, Ray 15)