Breaking Mama/Son Bond
cary.seston
My ds2 is very angry with me. He will be 3 in a few months. He has an older brother who
is 5 and a fairly new sister who is 8 months. He is not nursing, only she is, just as more
info for you all. He yells at me a lot in general. Mostly, "Go AWAAAAAAY!" I exclusively
nurse my dd and won't leave her for any length.
I know I need to find alone time for my ds2 every day. Anything else? Suggestions? We're
all up around 7ish. Dh leaves for work 'round 8 and returns home 'round 6. Both my Ds's
adore Dad (as do I) and I always feel like they have such limited time with him, so I tend to
see that time before they crash (between 8-10) as time for Dad. As a result, I have no
time alone with either of the other two. But the connection I feel with my Ds1 seems to be
in tact. Ds1 did reject me quite a bit after ds2 was born but not so dramatically and not
for as long. I can see how badly ds2 is suffering for attention from me. (And him
shrieking at me is no bowl of cherries for me either.) The other thing about this that has
been tough is the shifting on a dime. What I mean is, when ds2 and I are alone and
feeling very connected, it seems like we're healing, but it eventually ends and then he's
back to yelling. I can't seem to satisfy or saturate him enough.
Can we recover? How? How can I meet his needs without sacrificing dd's? How can I be
sure not to create a rift between the youngest two? It feels like this is getting worse. He is
angrier with every passing day I mean. I feel very stuck when my dd needs me, b/c it
actually feels like I AM choosing her over him. Maybe I am b/c I view her needs as greater.
That sucks! Admittedly, we haven't addressed this seriously until now.
ALso, any literature suggestions?
FWIW, I'm a mess about this...too distraught to see the obvious. I also want to know if I
can repair the seeming damage? Is this too dramatic a view? (I can certainly be dramatic.)
Thanks for the help.
Cary
is 5 and a fairly new sister who is 8 months. He is not nursing, only she is, just as more
info for you all. He yells at me a lot in general. Mostly, "Go AWAAAAAAY!" I exclusively
nurse my dd and won't leave her for any length.
I know I need to find alone time for my ds2 every day. Anything else? Suggestions? We're
all up around 7ish. Dh leaves for work 'round 8 and returns home 'round 6. Both my Ds's
adore Dad (as do I) and I always feel like they have such limited time with him, so I tend to
see that time before they crash (between 8-10) as time for Dad. As a result, I have no
time alone with either of the other two. But the connection I feel with my Ds1 seems to be
in tact. Ds1 did reject me quite a bit after ds2 was born but not so dramatically and not
for as long. I can see how badly ds2 is suffering for attention from me. (And him
shrieking at me is no bowl of cherries for me either.) The other thing about this that has
been tough is the shifting on a dime. What I mean is, when ds2 and I are alone and
feeling very connected, it seems like we're healing, but it eventually ends and then he's
back to yelling. I can't seem to satisfy or saturate him enough.
Can we recover? How? How can I meet his needs without sacrificing dd's? How can I be
sure not to create a rift between the youngest two? It feels like this is getting worse. He is
angrier with every passing day I mean. I feel very stuck when my dd needs me, b/c it
actually feels like I AM choosing her over him. Maybe I am b/c I view her needs as greater.
That sucks! Admittedly, we haven't addressed this seriously until now.
ALso, any literature suggestions?
FWIW, I'm a mess about this...too distraught to see the obvious. I also want to know if I
can repair the seeming damage? Is this too dramatic a view? (I can certainly be dramatic.)
Thanks for the help.
Cary
Faith Void
I have a a 10 month old (toddler) so I understand how hard it feels to leave
a child that young and attached. I also have a 5ds and 11dd. I found shortly
after 10month dd was born ds5 felt rather rejected by me and acted in
rejecting ways towards me and was very angry (I even wrote on here about his
hitting). Fortunately we have reconnected and we are all good friends again.
However, it took work. I had to regain his trust and "prove" that I loved
him, in his way.
He is all about papa so when dh comes home ds5 will usually get his
attention first. After a while we "trade". I take ds5 and papa takes dd10
mon. We also take turns at ds5 bedtime (by this I mean when he is ready for
bed) he generally wants a story or to play Pokemon.
I also use baby's nap time to read or play DS or chat with ds5. dd11 is
usually still sleeping during the baby's morning nap. For a couple weeks I
just rarely cleaned to make sure I was giving ds5 every moment I could.
After a like while he would clean with me or do his own thing. He wasn't
"starved" for attention. I realize it was my doing that undid us and that I
needed to make great efforts to repair it. I still didn't feel like I was
paying my dd11 much attention, so I go and hang out with her several times a
week after both the smaller ones go to sleep. Its hard to stretch myself but
worth it. I still give them all I have during the days but I had to
consiously carve out personal time with them. I just want to put it out
there that it took time and energy to regain that connection.
On the weekends I will leave dd10mon with dh and take a small walk or
something with one of my older kids. Or I can throw her in a backpack and
give most of my attention to ds5 or dd11 depending on what we are doing. If
you have a sling or patapum or something that might really help you.
I have found it helpful to engage him on his level with his interests. I
have become quite the pokemon fan because of his interests. We read, play
and watch pokemon together. I have learned all the ins and outs of it so I
can intelligently discuss it. With my dd11 I read many of the same books as
she does so we can talk about them.
It took about 30 minutes to write this. I read and the played then wrote
then played then wrote then played. I built a castle, threw fratiles,
cleaned up a set of toys to make room, helped ds findsomething, nursed the
baby, built the baby a tower or three to knock down, spun a wooden top
repeatedly...you get the idea. I didn't just sit here and do email. I don't
know if you have or have space for a playroom. It has been great since we
moved and have the space. It is set up baby safe and fun. SO I can play with
ds5 at the times the baby is occupied. My computer is up here so I also can
get an email or two in every once and again. I can take 5 minute mini-breaks
without the kids feeling like I even left. I stop and go back to them before
they miss me (most of the time)
They need me
Faith
a child that young and attached. I also have a 5ds and 11dd. I found shortly
after 10month dd was born ds5 felt rather rejected by me and acted in
rejecting ways towards me and was very angry (I even wrote on here about his
hitting). Fortunately we have reconnected and we are all good friends again.
However, it took work. I had to regain his trust and "prove" that I loved
him, in his way.
He is all about papa so when dh comes home ds5 will usually get his
attention first. After a while we "trade". I take ds5 and papa takes dd10
mon. We also take turns at ds5 bedtime (by this I mean when he is ready for
bed) he generally wants a story or to play Pokemon.
I also use baby's nap time to read or play DS or chat with ds5. dd11 is
usually still sleeping during the baby's morning nap. For a couple weeks I
just rarely cleaned to make sure I was giving ds5 every moment I could.
After a like while he would clean with me or do his own thing. He wasn't
"starved" for attention. I realize it was my doing that undid us and that I
needed to make great efforts to repair it. I still didn't feel like I was
paying my dd11 much attention, so I go and hang out with her several times a
week after both the smaller ones go to sleep. Its hard to stretch myself but
worth it. I still give them all I have during the days but I had to
consiously carve out personal time with them. I just want to put it out
there that it took time and energy to regain that connection.
On the weekends I will leave dd10mon with dh and take a small walk or
something with one of my older kids. Or I can throw her in a backpack and
give most of my attention to ds5 or dd11 depending on what we are doing. If
you have a sling or patapum or something that might really help you.
I have found it helpful to engage him on his level with his interests. I
have become quite the pokemon fan because of his interests. We read, play
and watch pokemon together. I have learned all the ins and outs of it so I
can intelligently discuss it. With my dd11 I read many of the same books as
she does so we can talk about them.
It took about 30 minutes to write this. I read and the played then wrote
then played then wrote then played. I built a castle, threw fratiles,
cleaned up a set of toys to make room, helped ds findsomething, nursed the
baby, built the baby a tower or three to knock down, spun a wooden top
repeatedly...you get the idea. I didn't just sit here and do email. I don't
know if you have or have space for a playroom. It has been great since we
moved and have the space. It is set up baby safe and fun. SO I can play with
ds5 at the times the baby is occupied. My computer is up here so I also can
get an email or two in every once and again. I can take 5 minute mini-breaks
without the kids feeling like I even left. I stop and go back to them before
they miss me (most of the time)
They need me
Faith
On Tue, Aug 5, 2008 at 5:20 AM, cary.seston <cary.seston@...> wrote:
> My ds2 is very angry with me. He will be 3 in a few months. He has an
> older brother who
> is 5 and a fairly new sister who is 8 months. He is not nursing, only she
> is, just as more
> info for you all. He yells at me a lot in general. Mostly, "Go AWAAAAAAY!"
> I exclusively
> nurse my dd and won't leave her for any length.
> I know I need to find alone time for my ds2 every day. Anything else?
> Suggestions? We're
> all up around 7ish. Dh leaves for work 'round 8 and returns home 'round 6.
> Both my Ds's
> adore Dad (as do I) and I always feel like they have such limited time with
> him, so I tend to
> see that time before they crash (between 8-10) as time for Dad. As a
> result, I have no
> time alone with either of the other two. But the connection I feel with my
> Ds1 seems to be
> in tact. Ds1 did reject me quite a bit after ds2 was born but not so
> dramatically and not
> for as long. I can see how badly ds2 is suffering for attention from me.
> (And him
> shrieking at me is no bowl of cherries for me either.) The other thing
> about this that has
> been tough is the shifting on a dime. What I mean is, when ds2 and I are
> alone and
> feeling very connected, it seems like we're healing, but it eventually ends
> and then he's
> back to yelling. I can't seem to satisfy or saturate him enough.
>
> Can we recover? How? How can I meet his needs without sacrificing dd's? How
> can I be
> sure not to create a rift between the youngest two? It feels like this is
> getting worse. He is
> angrier with every passing day I mean. I feel very stuck when my dd needs
> me, b/c it
> actually feels like I AM choosing her over him. Maybe I am b/c I view her
> needs as greater.
> That sucks! Admittedly, we haven't addressed this seriously until now.
>
> ALso, any literature suggestions?
>
> FWIW, I'm a mess about this...too distraught to see the obvious. I also
> want to know if I
> can repair the seeming damage? Is this too dramatic a view? (I can
> certainly be dramatic.)
>
> Thanks for the help.
> Cary
>
>
>
--
www.bearthmama.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Melissa Gray
Would you leave her for an hour? it doesn't have to be every day, but
once a week take him to the grocery store. Get your groceries (and I
would find stuff that we didnt' really need, if we didn't need
anything) The best ever was buying a soda at the end and sitting on
the curb drinking it together. Just talking. Sometimes going to get
an ice cream cone, or for a new book, or just to feed the ducks. When
they can depend on that, it makes the rest of the week easier.
Each day, when dh is ready, he can be with DS1 and DD while DS2
'helps' you. I find that if I ask my children, "I need help washing
this pot," or "Would you like to crack the eggs for dinner?" that
just those five or six minutes is really a great way to feel
connected, even while working. Even if tasks don't NEED to be done,
but my kids seem to enjoy feeling like they are helping, so an extra
batch of cookies never is wrong.
I'm sick today so if it's short, forgive me. I think if you just look
outside the box, also, realize that dh's time is not more important
than having him with two kids so you can reconnect with one.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
once a week take him to the grocery store. Get your groceries (and I
would find stuff that we didnt' really need, if we didn't need
anything) The best ever was buying a soda at the end and sitting on
the curb drinking it together. Just talking. Sometimes going to get
an ice cream cone, or for a new book, or just to feed the ducks. When
they can depend on that, it makes the rest of the week easier.
Each day, when dh is ready, he can be with DS1 and DD while DS2
'helps' you. I find that if I ask my children, "I need help washing
this pot," or "Would you like to crack the eggs for dinner?" that
just those five or six minutes is really a great way to feel
connected, even while working. Even if tasks don't NEED to be done,
but my kids seem to enjoy feeling like they are helping, so an extra
batch of cookies never is wrong.
I'm sick today so if it's short, forgive me. I think if you just look
outside the box, also, realize that dh's time is not more important
than having him with two kids so you can reconnect with one.
Melissa
Mom to Joshua, Breanna, Emily, Rachel, Samuel, Daniel and Avari
Wife to Zane
blog me at
http://startlinglives.blogspot.com/
http://startlinglives365.blogspot.com
On Aug 5, 2008, at 4:20 AM, cary.seston wrote:
> My ds2 is very angry with me. He will be 3 in a few months. He has
> an older brother who
> is 5 and a fairly new sister who is 8 months. He is not nursing,
> only she is, just as more
> info for you all. He yells at me a lot in general. Mostly, "Go
> AWAAAAAAY!" I exclusively
> nurse my dd and won't leave her for any length.
> I know I need to find alone time for my ds2 every day. Anything
> else? Suggestions? We're
> all up around 7ish. Dh leaves for work 'round 8 and returns home
> 'round 6. Both my Ds's
> adore Dad (as do I) and I always feel like they have such limited
> time with him, so I tend to
> see that time before they crash (between 8-10) as time for Dad. As
> a result, I have no
> time alone with either of the other two. But the connection I feel
> with my Ds1 seems to be
> in tact. Ds1 did reject me quite a bit after ds2 was born but not
> so dramatically and not
> for as long. I can see how badly ds2 is suffering for attention
> from me. (And him
> shrieking at me is no bowl of cherries for me either.) The other
> thing about this that has
> been tough is the shifting on a dime. What I mean is, when ds2 and
> I are alone and
> feeling very connected, it seems like we're healing, but it
> eventually ends and then he's
> back to yelling. I can't seem to satisfy or saturate him enough.
>
> Can we recover? How? How can I meet his needs without sacrificing
> dd's? How can I be
> sure not to create a rift between the youngest two? It feels like
> this is getting worse. He is
> angrier with every passing day I mean. I feel very stuck when my dd
> needs me, b/c it
> actually feels like I AM choosing her over him. Maybe I am b/c I
> view her needs as greater.
> That sucks! Admittedly, we haven't addressed this seriously until now.
>
> ALso, any literature suggestions?
>
> FWIW, I'm a mess about this...too distraught to see the obvious. I
> also want to know if I
> can repair the seeming damage? Is this too dramatic a view? (I can
> certainly be dramatic.)
>
> Thanks for the help.
> Cary
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kimberlee
>>ALso, any literature suggestions?Parenting from the Inside Out: How a deeper self-understanding can
help you raise children who thrive. I have been reading it on the
advice of a friend who's a marriage and family therapist. I'm finding
it useful. I just finished Chapter 8 "How we disconnect and reconnect:
rupture and repair". Seems like this chapter may apply even if you
had a blissful childhood and don't feel the need of self-examination.
Gordon Neufeld's book on attachment Hold onto your kids was pivotal
for me, and I also bought (online) the audio of his presentation on
counterwill.
My friend the therapist also recommended Daniel Hughes as an author
who writes about ways to maximize your attachment(s) with children. I
haven't read any of his stuff yet. I see he has a new book coming out
this fall Principles of Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective
Strategies to Care for Children. His other books seem to focus mainly
on traumatized and/or adopted/foster children. I may wait for the new
book; I haven't decided.
>>If you have a sling or patapum or something that might really helpyou.
I second this comment on the sling. I try to wear my 6 month old dd as
much as possible. It does free me to play more with my two older
children than when I carrying her in my arms. One of the added
benefits is my dh or MIL can wear her too, and it's a source of comfort.
Kimberlee
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]