swissarmy_wife

I'm sorry, this has very little to do with unschooling, yet sort of
has everything to do with my evolution through unschooling. Plus,
I've come to respect the opinions of so many of you and I'm totally
lost.

When you are an adult and you have younger siblings (like 15 years
younger) how do you watch your parents treat them like crap and
completely ignore their needs? Especially after being somewhere as
wonderful as the conference, this horrible parenting is standing out
so much worse right now.

I have this gigantic problem, and it's so much deeper than the above
question. I just don't know where to begin or end.

I have a mother who I could soooooooo easily walk away from a
relationship with, yet I have two younger siblings (from her 2nd
marriage that no longer exists) whom I care about a great deal that
I'd rather not alienate any worse than they already are. IMO my
mother is ruining my little sister's life! Their issues are mirroring
what we went through when I was that age. It's tearing me up.
Especially, when I can see a solution! It's right in front of my
eyes. Yet, my mother is completely indoctrinated with the words of
school officials, psychologists, and well frankly, everyone but me.
She calls me up complaining of horrible issues with my sister and when
I offer up advice minimizes everything and suddenly the problems
practically don't exist anymore.

My mother called me today to ask my opinion regarding my sister (she's
14, not eating well, not sleeping well, doesn't like getting out of
bed for school, is EXTREMELY pale, thinner than normal, losing
friends, etc I think the answer is clear :-). Anyway, you'll have to
trust me when I say she was not looking for my opinion, yet by using
my little sister as bait, she sucked me in to an argument about my
teenage life. Dammit. I fell for it. I RARELY fall for her
invitations to chaos anymore.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice?
I"ve have realized that there is nothing I can do to help my sister.
I've taken great lengths to help her and had them backfire. Badly.
Should I just walk away and swear off her toxicity forever? I'm
really, really frustrated. I want my sister to be "happy and
healthy", but I'm pretty sure this is out of my hands. OH and too
make matters worse, she's (my mother) legally blind. We live a few
blocks from each other. If I DO walk away, I feel like the entire
city will think I've abandoned my "poor disabled mother".

Ren Allen

~~Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice?
I"ve have realized that there is nothing I can do to help my sister.~~

Is there any way she could come live with you? Or try to file for
emancipation? That may be far more than you can do right now but those
were two thoughts that came to mind.

I think if there really is no way to support your sister, then cutting
off the toxic Mom makes a lot of sense. It sounds rough. Would your
Mom be open to something along the lines of "it sounds like you're
having a really hard time with her Mom, why don't you have her some
stay with me for a couple of weeks so you can have a break?" and try
to give your sister some mini-vacations at your place?

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

swissarmy_wife

Those things have all popped into my mind as well. Unfortunately, my
mother has made it very difficult for my sister and I to be "sisters".
She took my sister to counseling awhile back and told him that I was
a bad influence so he advised her to keep my sister "protected from
me". Errgggh.

I'd like to move. South actually! I moved to San Francisco when I
was teenager (18) and life was grand. The mileage distance seemed to
keep us at an emotional distance at well. But I have this feeling
breathing down my neck that says "you can't run from your problems".
Well, that and husband who is not thrilled with the idea.

I wish so much that she could have the life we are enjoying! It's so
hard to give that up and let her suffer like she is. I'd love for her
to come unschool with us. It would be GREAT! *sigh* time to move on
from that feeling I think too. :-(

--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:

> Is there any way she could come live with you? Or try to file for
> emancipation? That may be far more than you can do right now but those
> were two thoughts that came to mind.
>
> I think if there really is no way to support your sister, then cutting
> off the toxic Mom makes a lot of sense. It sounds rough. Would your
> Mom be open to something along the lines of "it sounds like you're
> having a really hard time with her Mom, why don't you have her some
> stay with me for a couple of weeks so you can have a break?" and try
> to give your sister some mini-vacations at your place?
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>

Ren Allen

~~But I have this feeling
breathing down my neck that says "you can't run from your problems".~~

That isn't running from your problems, that's minimizing them! I think
you need to give yourself permission to live exactly the life you
really want, including location and trust that it is possible. Once
you open that door and quit feeling the guilt, you might be amazed at
what can happen.

Cutting toxic people out of your life is SMART. Just my .02.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

swissarmy_wife

--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:

> That isn't running from your problems, that's minimizing them!

Your so completely right.

> Cutting toxic people out of your life is SMART. Just my .02.

Weird! Right again!


Thanks. :-)

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: swissarmy_wife <heatherbean@...>

I wish so much that she could have the life we are enjoying! It's so
hard to give that up and let her suffer like she is. I'd love for her
to come unschool with us. It would be GREAT! *sigh* time to move on
from that feeling I think too. :-(

-=-=-

As much as you may love your sister and think your mom is doing the
worst job ever, your sister is your *mother's* child. Not yours.

Just as you might resent your mother's interference in *your* lives,
she may feel the same way about yours! <g>

As long as your sister knows that you love and care about her, you will
probably be able to reconnect in the future. Let her know you're there
for her always.

But your mother needs just as much freedom to bring up *her* child as
*you* do yours.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

swissarmy_wife

Again thanks. I should hang that on my wall. It might help me walk
away. Luckily, thats a thought my mother has never heard. In fact, I
don't think she even knows what unschooling is. :-)

Funny, my brother said the same thing. "We can reconnect later".
Oddly enough, like my brother and I did.



--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: swissarmy_wife <heatherbean@...>
>
> I wish so much that she could have the life we are enjoying! It's so
> hard to give that up and let her suffer like she is. I'd love for her
> to come unschool with us. It would be GREAT! *sigh* time to move on
> from that feeling I think too. :-(
>
> -=-=-
>
> As much as you may love your sister and think your mom is doing the
> worst job ever, your sister is your *mother's* child. Not yours.
>
> Just as you might resent your mother's interference in *your* lives,
> she may feel the same way about yours! <g>
>
> As long as your sister knows that you love and care about her, you will
> probably be able to reconnect in the future. Let her know you're there
> for her always.
>
> But your mother needs just as much freedom to bring up *her* child as
> *you* do yours.
>
>
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
>

Faith Void

> I"ve have realized that there is nothing I can do to help my sister.


I think just being there, unobtrusively, for her will be a huge thing.
I know, as an abused child, It took just one person to validate that I
was ok and that the abuse/neglegent treatment, etc were NOT my fault.
It may take your sister years of therapy or soul searching to get out
of this space she's in, but you CAN make a difference.

I find that with my mother if I just listen without emotionally
involving myself I can allow her to talk herself out and come to her
own conclusions. She feels heard and supported and I haven't allowed
her to control me. That being said, I completely released contact with
my father. Our relationship was just too toxic. I still consider doing
that with my mother but haven't decided to yet.

I wish you clear vision and compassion for yourself,
Faith
--
www.bearthmama.com