Rachel

The following is an e-mail that I sent to a local unschooling friend
who unschools her 2 children.I think it is probably the first truly
honest correspondence I have written about how I am feeling about
unschooling Sophia who will be 6 in a week.

----------------
Hi,

Meg (16) has changed her mind about graduating in May so I am free to
go to LIG. If you are still interested in carpooling there let me
know. I could really really really use some inspiration at this point
to keep unschooling Sophia.

I am having a very rough time right now and keep thinking about taking
the easy way out and putting Soph in school, but I know that that is
not the answer. I have learned over the years not to make any life
changing decisions at this time of year since I get a little crazy and
restless with spring fever.

I did register her for the after school program at the (local
community center) since it is totally up to us when and how long she
goes and I can get some much needed alone time (without having to be
scrutinized by G-ma's). The after kindergarten program runs from 11:30
to 6:30 so there is quite a lot of time for me to be alone and make
some music or just stare blankly at a wall. Just thinking about about
being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what the heck is wrong
with me????????

I also feel over run and trapped by the dogs (why did I get another
puppy???). I am very limited in how long I can be away and I am not
liking that at all right now.

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Rachel
------------------------------------------------

I don't know if I am looking for advice or just some words of
encouragement, or for someone to ask me the not so easy questions to
ask, or for someone to just kick me in the butt with the brutally
honest words telling me to suck it up. But what I do need is support
to keep unschooling Sophia which in my heart I know is the best thing
I could do for her.

By the way we have 4 cats and 2 dogs who seem to run the house and
disturb our sleep, the house is a wreck (I would not let my sister who
was visiting from out of state come over because of the mess, she
works for Head-start).

Another of my sisters for some reason insists that I am a pot smoker
(which I am not) and tells people so. I don't have a problem with pot
smoking, it's just that I don't do it and don't want to give any more
reason for people to think I am "off my rocker" than I am truly
entitled to.

Add to that, we are very much in debt and going deeper every month
which makes going back to work very appealing.

There is more to this situation but I have to go and if I don't send
this now, it will get deleted later.

Help me sort this out so I can enjoy my girls instead of dreading
being a mom.

carnationsgalore

> Just thinking about being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty,
> what the heck is wrong with me????????
> Rachel

This is the one line that really jumped out at me, especially because
you mentioned in another paragraph that you need alone time. Most of
the posts I see from new unschoolers are trying to get over the
schoolish stuff, i.e. letting go of traditional schooling ideas to let
their child be free. You seem to be trying to decide whether to
homeschool or not. I would suggest you decide how much alone time you
need and why. Maybe there is another way to get what you need without
putting Sophia in school. Just something to ponder.

Beth M.

swissarmy_wife

> I am having a very rough time right now and keep thinking about taking
> the easy way out and putting Soph in school, but I know that that is
> not the answer. I have learned over the years not to make any life
> changing decisions at this time of year since I get a little crazy and
> restless with spring fever.

IMO, putting a child in school is not the easy way out. Our lives
were much more stressful when my oldest spend 1.5 yrs in public
school. I also have that same rule for February. It's my hardest
month. :-(


> I did register her for the after school program at the (local
> community center) since it is totally up to us when and how long she
> goes and I can get some much needed alone time (without having to be
> scrutinized by G-ma's). The after kindergarten program runs from 11:30
> to 6:30 so there is quite a lot of time for me to be alone and make
> some music or just stare blankly at a wall. Just thinking about about
> being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what the heck is wrong
> with me????????

I think putting my child in a program so I could stare blankly at a
wall might make me feel guilty.

> I also feel over run and trapped by the dogs (why did I get another
> puppy???). I am very limited in how long I can be away and I am not
> liking that at all right now.

Although I regard my pets quite highly, there are times was a time
where I was over my head. i had to make a really hard decision. I
had to rehome my dog 3 years ago. I was lucky in that my father
really wanted to take her. But my point is, your life and your
children's life is more important. And if your dog's are making your
life miserable, then maybe the dog's aren't all that happy either.

> AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>
> Rachel
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> I don't know if I am looking for advice or just some words of
> encouragement, or for someone to ask me the not so easy questions to
> ask, or for someone to just kick me in the butt with the brutally
> honest words telling me to suck it up. But what I do need is support
> to keep unschooling Sophia which in my heart I know is the best thing
> I could do for her.

If there is one thing that HONESTY should never, ever be described as,
it's BRUTAL. That's my opinion. Sometimes the truth is hard to come
to terms with, but it should never be brutal.

> By the way we have 4 cats and 2 dogs who seem to run the house and
> disturb our sleep, the house is a wreck (I would not let my sister who
> was visiting from out of state come over because of the mess, she
> works for Head-start).

Again, if your animals are making your life so stressed that your
sister can't come visit for whatever reason, maybe its time for a
change.


> Another of my sisters for some reason insists that I am a pot smoker
> (which I am not) and tells people so. I don't have a problem with pot
> smoking, it's just that I don't do it and don't want to give any more
> reason for people to think I am "off my rocker" than I am truly
> entitled to.

Half my family thinks I'm off my rocker. LOL I'm OK with it.
Sometimes, I embrace it. :-)

> Add to that, we are very much in debt and going deeper every month
> which makes going back to work very appealing.
>
> There is more to this situation but I have to go and if I don't send
> this now, it will get deleted later.
>
> Help me sort this out so I can enjoy my girls instead of dreading
> being a mom.
>

I think if you stay on this message board and keep reading and writing
you'll find the help you need, as many of us have. Good luck on your
journey.

-Heather

Tara

Is her being home really the problem? If you take away the debt, the
mess, the pets etc, what exactly is left? Sometimes it helps to peel
back layers one at a time to find the real root of the problem.

You mentioned this time of year. Seasonal depression is SO very
common. Do you think that may be contributing? If so there are some
natural things you can do like take a B Complex vitamin, drink plenty
of green tea, sit in a sunny window (if its too cold to sit outside)
for Vitamin D. If you need more ideas along this line, email me, I
have tons!

***

Just thinking about being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what
the heck is wrong with me????????

***

It sounds to me like stress-induced depression to me. But I'm no
expert; just experienced.

Would finding a permanent or temporary residence for the animals
help? If everything is as bad as you feel it is, are they being
neglected? I know when my dogs are neglected they get out of control
and have indoor accidents. You have a lot of pets, so maybe just
finding friends who can take some of them? Or maybe getting outside
to walk them would help you feel better and its something you and
Sophia can do together.

***

Another of my sisters for some reason insists that I am a pot smoker
(which I am not) and tells people so.

***

That's not cool and I would confront her on this. Ask her why she
feels she needs to sabotage you like this. Mybe she is
misinterpretting your lack of motivation from stress as laziness from
pot? If it persists, I'd cut contact rather than let someone poison
my life like that. I know neither is an easy solution, but just some
ideas to chew on.

***


Add to that, we are very much in debt and going deeper every month
which makes going back to work very appealing.

***

Debt is tough. But will you make enough going back to work to bring
home anything substantial? Can you get a part-time job in the evening
when your spouse is home so you can be with Sophia during the day but
also give yourself some free time? Maybe cutting expenses will help
with the debt or even having a yard sale? Cleaning out old stuff may
help you feel better - I always feel mentally clearer after I purge
and organize.

***

Help me sort this out so I can enjoy my girls instead of dreading
being a mom.

***

Have you asked yourself exactly what you don't enjoy? Are there
expectations or other things you are having a hard time letting go
of? Could it be as simple (actually complex) as depression? I
wouldn't recommend going to see a shrink or anything but natural
remedies work wonders for many, many people.



~ Tara

brad jones

I conclude this is extremely sound advice...... Tara has jumped to my A-list :-)

Tara <organicsis@...> wrote: Is her being home really the problem? If you take away the debt, the
mess, the pets etc, what exactly is left? Sometimes it helps to peel
back layers one at a time to find the real root of the problem.

You mentioned this time of year. Seasonal depression is SO very
common. Do you think that may be contributing? If so there are some
natural things you can do like take a B Complex vitamin, drink plenty
of green tea, sit in a sunny window (if its too cold to sit outside)
for Vitamin D. If you need more ideas along this line, email me, I
have tons!

***

Just thinking about being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what
the heck is wrong with me????????

***

It sounds to me like stress-induced depression to me. But I'm no
expert; just experienced.

Would finding a permanent or temporary residence for the animals
help? If everything is as bad as you feel it is, are they being
neglected? I know when my dogs are neglected they get out of control
and have indoor accidents. You have a lot of pets, so maybe just
finding friends who can take some of them? Or maybe getting outside
to walk them would help you feel better and its something you and
Sophia can do together.

***

Another of my sisters for some reason insists that I am a pot smoker
(which I am not) and tells people so.

***

That's not cool and I would confront her on this. Ask her why she
feels she needs to sabotage you like this. Mybe she is
misinterpretting your lack of motivation from stress as laziness from
pot? If it persists, I'd cut contact rather than let someone poison
my life like that. I know neither is an easy solution, but just some
ideas to chew on.

***

Add to that, we are very much in debt and going deeper every month
which makes going back to work very appealing.

***

Debt is tough. But will you make enough going back to work to bring
home anything substantial? Can you get a part-time job in the evening
when your spouse is home so you can be with Sophia during the day but
also give yourself some free time? Maybe cutting expenses will help
with the debt or even having a yard sale? Cleaning out old stuff may
help you feel better - I always feel mentally clearer after I purge
and organize.

***

Help me sort this out so I can enjoy my girls instead of dreading
being a mom.

***

Have you asked yourself exactly what you don't enjoy? Are there
expectations or other things you are having a hard time letting go
of? Could it be as simple (actually complex) as depression? I
wouldn't recommend going to see a shrink or anything but natural
remedies work wonders for many, many people.

~ Tara






---------------------------------
Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Rachel

Thank you Tara for your kind words. It does help.

>Is her being home really the problem? If you take away the debt, the
>mess, the pets etc, what exactly is left? Sometimes it helps to peel
>back layers one at a time to find the real root of the problem.

I want to have her home with me. AND she overwhelms me. I don't like
to use labels but, for lack of a better way to describe, she is a
high need kid. It has felt like a whirlwind since she was born almost
six years ago.
***

>Seasonal depression is SO very common. Do you think tht may be
>contributing? If so there are some natural things you can do like
>take a B Complex vitamin, drink plenty of green tea, sit in a sunny
>window (if its too cold to sit outside) for Vitamin D. If you need
>more ideas along this line, email me, I have tons!

Oh sunshine, wonderful sunshine, how I long for it. Yep. Not only
seasonal depression but also more. 2 years ago I had a melt down and
was put on meds for depression and anxiety. I am weaning off those
meds now and it makes it rough. I have been off of one of the
medications for a year but the other one is one of the hardest to come
off of because of the severe physical with drawls. I have been
decreasing the dose slowly under Dr.'s supervision. I am down from 150
mg a day to now only 25mg a day.

I do take a B Complex as well as other suppliments and it does help. I
would love to hear more ideas on feeling better naturally.


***

>Would finding a permanent or temporary residence for the animals
>help? If everything is as bad as you feel, are they being neglected?
>I know when my dogs are nglected they get out of control and have
>indoor accidents. You have a lot of pets, so maybe just finding
>friends who can take some of them? Or mybe getting outside to walk
>them would help you feel better and its something you and Sophia can
>do together.

I bought a 2nd dog crate today so that both dogs can be crated at
night (no more cats being chased at night) and when necessary during
the day. I also got a cat door that can be put in a basement window so
that the cats can let themselves in and out (I can't count how many
times a day I open doors for cats) without having to be harassed by
the dogs when they come upstairs for me to let them out. I'll see if
DH can help me install it tomorrow.

I think my words made it sound like my house is worse than it is. The
cats boxes are cleaned twice a day and Zoe (an almost 2 yo Australian
shepherd) is totally house broken. Clarabelle (Border Collie/Blue
Heeler) is only 12 weeks old and is still learning about going outside
so she does have accidents but they are cleaned up right away.

The dogs however have not gotten the exercise and attention that they
need to behave like nice polite doggies. They are jumping on people
and wrestling through the living room. They need to be walked and
trained more.

The mess in my house is mostly people mess. Piles of books, papers,
dh's gaming and art stuff, my music stuff, unschooling a 5 year stuff
(markers, paper, inventions, etc.), laundry, dishes. But it is not
guest friendly in my eyes.

***

>>Another of my sisters for some reason insists that I am a pot smoker
>>(which I am not) and tells people so.

>That's not cool and I would confront her on this. Ask her why she
>feels she needs to sabotage you like this. MAybe she is
>misinterpretting your lack of motivation from stress as laziness from
>pot? If it persists, I'd cut contact rather than let someone poison
>my life like that. I know neither is an easy solution, but just some
>ideas to chew on.

Hmmmmmm.

***

>Debt is tough. But will you make enough going back to work to bring
>home anything substantial? Can you get a part-time job in the evening
>when your spouse is home so you can be with Sophia during the day but
>also give yourself some free time? Maybe cutting expenses will help
>wit the debt or even having a yard sale? Cleaning out old stuff may
>help you feel better - I always feel mentlly clearer after I purge an
>organize.

All good ideas. I do need to clear out stuff from the house.

***

>Have you asked yourself exactly what you don't enjoy? Are there
>expectations or other things you are having a hard time letting go
>of? Could it be as simple (actually complex) as depression? I
>wouldn't recommend going to see a shrink or anthing but natural
>remedies work wonders for many many people.

Depression does play a role in how I am seeing my family and my life
at this point in time. I'll have to really think about exactly what it
is that I am not enjoying.

What natural remedies are you familiar with??

Thanx

Rachel













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Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

Rachel

Thank you Beth.

> This is the one line that really jumped out at me, especially because
> you mentioned in another paragraph that you need alone time. Most of
> the posts I see from new unschoolers are trying to get over the
> schoolish stuff, i.e. letting go of traditional schooling ideas to let
> their child be free. You seem to be trying to decide whether to
> homeschool or not.



>I would suggest you decide how much alone time you
> need and why. Maybe there is another way to get what you need without
> putting Sophia in school. Just something to ponder.
>
> Beth M.
>

Rachel

> I think if you stay on this message board and keep reading and writing
> you'll find the help you need, as many of us have. Good luck on your
> journey.
>
> -Heather
>

We began unschooling a year ago in January and I read here everyday
for a few months. I think it would be helpful to read daily again.

Just getting responses is helpful. I don't feel so alone or crazy.

Thanks
Rachel

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

Those dog breeds are very high energy breeds and need a lot of exercise and training. Just letting them out in the yard or play ball is not enough. They need at least 0ne hour of walking with training everyday because they are working dogs. Unless they lived in a farm you need to provide this everyday. That is why I am putting off getting another Heeler and I live in a Dairy Farm. I have also worked with dogs for 30 years now.
If you can't provide that then those dogs are not getting what they need.
You are better of saving that energy towards your dd.
And like someone else said taking your dd to school maybe for work then having her home.
Alex






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>

Those dog breeds are very high energy breeds and need a lot of exercise
and
training. Just letting them out in the yard or play ball is not enough.
They
need at least 0ne hour of walking with training everyday because they
are
working dogs. Unless they lived in a farm you need to provide this
everyday.
That is why I am putting off getting another Heeler and I live in a
Dairy Farm.
I have also worked with dogs for 30 years now.
If you can't provide that then those dogs are not getting what they
need.

-=-=-=-

I was thinking the same thing.

A more sedate breed would be a better choice for a more sedate family.
High energy breeds NEED an active lifestyle, or they can make your life
miserable.

And an older dog, not a puppy.



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

Rachel

--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> Those dog breeds are very high energy breeds and need a lot of
exercise and training. Just letting them out in the yard or play ball
is not enough. They need at least 0ne hour of walking with training
everyday because they are working dogs. Unless they lived in a farm
you need to provide this everyday. That is why I am putting off
getting another Heeler and I live in a Dairy Farm. I have also worked
with dogs for 30 years now.
> If you can't provide that then those dogs are not getting what
they need.
> You are better of saving that energy towards your dd.
> And like someone else said taking your dd to school maybe for work
then having her home.
> Alex
>

I have thought and thought about re-homing one or both of the dogs and
some of the cats but I can't decide at this time. Today the sun is
shining and I am taking them out for a walk and some play after I send
this post. Sophia and her dad are busy watching X-Men 2 and snuggling
on the couch.

I'll re-visit this issue after March is over and the weather is warm
and sunny. It is important to me that the dogs are happy and well
cared for and I will find them a good home if I can not provide what
they need. It is such a tough thing to do though.

Thanks
Rachel

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

I understand. It is hard but it may be better for both your family and the dogs. I am of the opinion that once you get a dog you should commit, better yet, research that breed's needs then commit and get a dog.
Once in a while walking is not enough for those breeds, really.
I agree with Kelly on getting an older and more laid back breed.
The shelters are full of those dogs.
I once had a miniature schnauzer that was also a champion and stud dog that I placed with some breeders. I had gotten into Law School and had no time for the animal. He was being neglected by me and it was not fair to him. He went to this wonderful home where he lived very happy. I would visit him but I could see he was much better there than with me at the time. I was a good decision.
He needed lots of grooming to keep his show coat and he loved attention. He was a sweet heart and deserved better than a couple of 10 minutes walk a day.
Alex










[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Deb Lewis

***The after kindergarten program runs from 11:30
to 6:30 so there is quite a lot of time for me to be alone and make
some music or just stare blankly at a wall.***

Are you thinking of putting her in the program for seven hours? How many days a week? That's a mistake if you want to unschool. Maybe the problem is you want to say you're an unschooler for some reason for yourself but you haven't giving enough thought to what it means for your daughter. You won't create an interesting home life for her if you make excuses why she can't be home. If you ever hope to be dedicated to unschooling, sending her out to programs, by herself, while you stare at walls, will not get you there.

***Just thinking about about
being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what the heck is wrong
with me????????***

It SHOULD bother you to be away from her. She's six. Your her mom. Maybe I misunderstood what you meant here but it looks like you suspect there's something wrong with you because you feel guilty about ditching your kid. The problem is not your guilt. The problem is the thing that's urging you to put her in a program.

***I also feel over run and trapped by the dogs (why did I get another
puppy???).***

Why *did* you get a puppy?

Are you in the habit of acting before you've thought a thing through? Did you decide to unschool in the same way you decided to get a puppy?

You might deepen your understanding of unschooling, or decide against it, if you were to read a lot about unschooling and write (not necessarily to anyone, but writing for yourself) about what your hopes are for your child and what your goals are as a mother. Lots of understanding can happen through writing. It may be that your thoughts, understanding and dedication to unschooling are superficial and more research will help you decide one way or another.

You're not trapped. Of the other beings you've mentioned in your post, you are the only one with the power and legal right to make your circumstances different. You can pack a bag and leave in the next ten minutes and never come back, but your child can't change her life without you're help and the puppy can't make his/her life better without your help. You have all the power and you're writing like you're the powerless one in this situation.

Find a neighborhood kid to come walk the dogs two or three times a day. Pay the kid to do that for you. It will be liberating for you and a kindness to your puppy and a good thing for the kid. Everybody wins. Or *better yet*, get out and walk the dogs yourself, with your daughter, and explore your neighborhood and town, and delight in your puppy. The exercise will help your mental state and the walk will be a nice way to spend time with your kid and your puppy.

I'm not fond of advice to get rid of animals if they're taking up some of your time. Like children we owe them our responsible dedication. If you made a hasty decision in getting a puppy, well, that's a bummer, but the puppy still needs a responsible person to care for him/her. You can choose to enjoy the complications of life with a puppy. We ALL have to find ways to figure out how to live in our lives. It's not unique to you that there are details to take care of and problems to solve and new things to get used to every day. That's what life is and the sooner you can embrace your own wonderful human adaptability the happier you will be.<g>

When my husband and I were moving from Alaska to Montana with a new baby, a dog, four cats and a rabbit, my sister in law said "Why not leave the animals there, it will be easier." I forgave her because she was obviously INSANE, but it did help me see that "Easy" wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a move that caused the least possible stress to my family and my family included my critters. Easy for me was not my goal, but I had become stressed with the work of moving and lost track of what my real goal was. I had been focusing on myself when what I needed was to focus on the goal.

Puppyless, is not the goal. Kidless is not the goal. The goal is happiness and it can be achieved more perfectly with a puppy and a kid.<g>

Get up a couple hours before your kid in the morning so you can have some quiet time, or stay up a couple hours later than she does. The single most effective thing I've ever found for improving mental health is exercise. Get lots, even if you jump rope in your bedroom. Whatever you can fit in will benefit you in remarkable ways. And stop dwelling on yourself. Get busy with other people. Do things for your puppy and for your kid. Doing for others is a wonderful way to put your own self in perspective. Really. None of us are so important that we deserve most of own attention.<g> I know there's lots of writing out there about finding yourself, yada, yada, but honest to Pete, whatever you'd accomplish by making music or staring at a wall will pale in comparison to what you will accomplish by dedicating yourself to making a joyful life for your family. Talk about feeling good and changing the world? Exalt a kid. Give a dog a happy life. Your inner whatever will be overflowing.

Unschooling is a choice and if you make the choice to unschool you'll need to make choices that support unschooling *everyday*. You can't just say to yourself, "Ok, I'm unschooling" and then sit back and wonder how it will all unfold. You need to be an active participant in the choices you're making.<g> Identify why you want to unschool and then make choices consistent with what you want. You are empowered. You have complete control.

Having a child and a puppy is a choice. How you think about your life is a choice. You can choose to think you're trapped and over run, or you can choose to think more positively about the life you've made. Everyone needs to find ways to handle the details of life. Alone time or "me time" will not sustain you in any magical way that can't be achieved through a change in thinking. Put the energy you're willing to spend on finding ways to get time alone into finding ways to have fun with your family. You'll all be happier.

When Dylan was six we lived in a very small house. So small you probably can't picture how small. My brother thought I was joking when I said "You can stand in the middle of any room, take one big step and be in the next room." and laughed himself silly when he came for a visit. We lived there seven years with Dylan, two dogs (one was a Basenji, so really that's like having six dogs<g>), five cats and a rabbit. Dylan had friends over many times during the week. We had three chairs in the living room and one of those was the piano bench. <g> In the summer, David's nieces and nephews would visit us. They could have stayed with their grandmother in her larger house but they *liked* our house. To improve my mental state I would get up at two or three in the morning, whatever time my husband got up for work, and while he was getting ready, I'd go out for a run.

We made an outside living space with lawn chairs. We made the yard inviting, with bird feeders and flowers and a sandbox, a swing and a garden. We made sidewalk art and used the side of an old barn at the back of the lot for a place to hang a dart board. Much of life was lived outside in the good weather. Being busy and outside is good for mental health. Go for walks, drives, bike rides, hikes. If it's still snowy where you are go play in the snow, go sledding, find a place to skate, build an igloo, make a snowman. If you don't have ideas about what to do to make life more fun, ask here. Look in your local yellow pages for places you haven't visited yet or haven't been to in awhile. Go on line to your local visitors center and see what your community recommends for tourists. Be a tourist for a week.

Do more with your kid instead of looking for ways to do without her. Not only will that help you get closer to unschooling, it will help you get closer to your kid.

Deb Lewis















[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

swissarmy_wife

I just REread this. For some reason, I read 4 dogs and 2 cats. That
is why I initially made the suggestion that that might be too much for
you right now.

This changes a bit. I already read that you got a second dog create.
That is a good thing for nighttime peace. :-)


> By the way we have 4 cats and 2 dogs who seem to run the house and
> disturb our sleep, the house is a wreck

diana jenner

***Just thinking about about
being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what the heck is wrong
with me????????***

There's nothing wrong, it's your Mommy Radar telling you that being away
from Sophia is *not* the right thing to do.
Just to put your story into my perspective: Hannah had a bloody nose mid
January 2006 and was dead by Feb 24, a mere 6 weeks later. I can't imagine
the guilt I would have felt had I been acting on my selfish thoughts, (as a
single mama, I absolutely understand the urge to get a break, even an
overwhelming urge to get away) instead of reconnecting to the *mommy I am*
and remembering I had a whole 27 years before kids came and I'll have way
more than 27 years with them *not* as little kids.
This is a sacred time in your life, in Sophie's life, *this* mama suggests
you take advantage NOW (it's all ya got!)
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Deb Lewis

***By the way we have 4 cats and 2 dogs who seem to run the house and
disturb our sleep,***

That's life with pets. A baby disturbed your sleep too.

*** the house is a wreck (I would not let my sister who
was visiting from out of state come over because of the mess, she
works for Head-start).***

Pick up one thing and put it away and then do that again. Fill up the sink with hot soapy water and every time you walk past, wash one thing and put it away. Make a cake and call a friend to come help you with housework and then next week make a cake and go help her. Start with one corner of one room. Don't think about everything you have to do, pick one thing and do that and then pick another thing. Why didn't you ask your sis for help? Maybe she's not the helping kind. : (

Like unschooling and pet care, housework is not one thing you do one time. It's ongoing and it will take some part of your time every day. I think we sometimes feel like life should be a series of steps in one direction that take us somewhere. It's not. It's little choices we make every day, every day, every day, to do the things that sustain us. It's not different somewhere else. People with clean houses have clean houses because they clean them, or hire them cleaned. People who don't care so much about clean houses have livable houses because they give some part of their time to maintaining some level of "livable."

If you are not willing to maintain some level of livable then maybe school would be better for your kid. If she's home with you but home is unpleasant because it's a mess or because mom is staring at a wall or because there's no money to go or do anything then school would be better.

If you're depressed, address that but you can, at the same time, take action to improve your life at home. You can be depressed in a clean house too. You can be depressed while you do dishes or mop the floor or walk the dog. *Or*, you can choose not to dedicate yourself to your downward spiral and start grabbing for the things that can pull you up. Something well done is inspiring and feeds a desire to move toward a more positive frame of mind. Even if that thing is a load of laundry, a clean kitchen counter, a big pot of soup. Depression can be seductive, but you're not powerless.

Are you stuck thinking that if you could just find some time to be creative and do your art you'd find the positive attitude you think you need to get more fully into life? You can find that positive attitude in taking care of your house and kid. There is a kind of art and creativity in caring for your home and family. Stop looking for answers everywhere else and *get busy.* Do something. Really. Get moving, get your blood pumping. Whirl into your housework and whirl into your life. Light candles, put on some music, open a bag of M&M's (put them where the puppy can't reach if you want to have some for yourself) so you can grab a handful when you're zooming around picking up the house. When you're muscles are working and your life is benefiting you will feel more creative and have more energy to do the creative things that help fulfill you. But don't get trapped into thinking that fulfillment can only come if you can escape from your home or kid or life's responsibilities. That's just not true. You have the power and capability to do both, be a creative person and be a person living happily and comfortably in the life she's making.

***Add to that, we are very much in debt and going deeper every month
which makes going back to work very appealing.***

What changes could you make to start living now within your means?

When we were in a crunch we cut out satellite TV and asked our friends to record some of our favorite shows. We ate more beans and rice. We waited for movies to come out on video and then borrowed them when our friends rented them instead of going to the theater. <g> We went on picnics to the park with peanut butter sandwiches instead of going out for lunch. We changed our phone service to a cheaper one. We sold some stuff. We walked more places. We looked at where we could cut back and did that. We didn't get rid of our kid or our critters but I guess we could have. That choice wouldn't have been consistent with our principles, though.

If we were in a crunch again now I wouldn't get rid of our cable service because Dylan ins liking some things on TV right now and I wouldn't bugger that up for him. But I could quit my bottled water habit and my smelly hand lotion habit and make other changes to save money that wouldn't cost our kid his comfort and happiness.

I think there are some creative unschooling mom's finding ways to make a little extra cash. Maybe some will share their ideas with you. I went to work two days a week when our vet bills became more than our budget could absorb. I work early, and am usually home by the time my kid gets up in the early afternoon.

Debt is a bummer but debt will, unfortunately, wait for you. Your kid can't wait.


Deb Lewis

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Rachel

Thank you for all the responses. I'll try to read through them all and
respond as I can.

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

You know Rachel,
I agree with Deb about this issue BUT there are times when it is better for the dogs to be re-homed. When I talk about re=homing it is not to make it easier for you ( that may also happen) but to give that animal what he/she deserves.
The dog I re-homed was a show dog that loved being primped up and it was unfir to have him all by himself for hours alone in an apartment while I was busy in Law School. He went to live with Schnauzer breeders that I co-owned animals with. He was surrounded by other schnauzers including his offsprings. He was primped several times a week ( he just loved being in the table and getting brushed). I did not do it for me, I did it for him.
On the other hand I had a german shepard I got right after I graduated that went with me everywhere. I moved form Brazil here with her. I had to pay more to have her in apartments.


I have been working with dogs for 30 years and I always tell people that when they get a dog it becomes part of the family and it is a life time commitment. I also tell people to first look into adopting instead of buying dogs for many reasons.
To give those animals a chance, to know what they are getting into ( shelters may know the animal's personality) .
I also ask that they research the breed to see if it can be a good fit to your family.
My dogs have always been like my kids and been part of the family but If I needed to re-home a dog I would do it . I would make sure the home was a perfect fit for that animal because they deserve better.
I see so many people that get dogs and have no clue what they are getting into and the animal is the one who suffers.

But having said all that I loved what Deb wrote. That was an inspiring post and you should read it many times to yourself.
Heck I am going to print and read when I get crabby because the house is a mess.......
If you decide it is better for them to be re-homed please make sure your dd is OK with that. I know my kids would never be able to be OK with any of my animals going away.

I had a discussion with my DH today about CHOICES.
Everything you do in life is your choice. You make the choice of being with your dd and enjoying her OR not. You make the choice of loving her the way she is right now.
I loved what Deb said about being empoweredin your choices.
Alex









[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Rachel

> Are you thinking of putting her in the program for seven hours?
>How many days a week? That's a mistake if you want to unschool.

She would be at the Recreation center for 2 to 4 hrs a day, 2 or 3
days a week. She gets to pick the days that she goes a week in advance
(for registration and payment purposes) and I will not force her to go
if she does not want to when it is time to go. For me, just the
thought of having this as an option to get some time to decompress has
made me feel better.



She has in the past asked to be a part of this program because we
often swim in the pool at the same time the kids in the program are
there. There are no education or academic things involved except for a
provided time for the kids to do homework if they have it. Activities
include, swimming, climbing the rock wall, playing on the basketball
courts, outside play, crafts, and more.


All of the counselors are familiar faces and she is familiar with the
building since we have gone there regularly since she was a baby.

All of the above sounds like justification to me but I am not going to
change it because I really want to understand.


********************************************************

>Maybe the problem is you want to say you're an unschooler for some
>reason for yourself but you haven't giving enough thought to what it
>means for your daughter.

I do want to say I'm a radical unschooler AND I want to BE a radical
unschooler, but I am not yet there. I know that Sophia needs to be
unschooled to thrive because of how she is, but right now I am so
tired and don't feel like I have anything to give her. I have been
short and snappy and resentful. Not a good way to be. Hence, my desire
to find at least a few hours a week to refill my own tank.


********************************************

>You won't create an interesting home life for her if you make excuses
>why she can't be home. If you ever hope to be dedicated to
>unschooling, sending her out to programs, by herself, while you stare
>at walls, will not get you there.

I don't really want to stare at walls, I was being dramatic. I want a
bit of time to gather my thoughts, meditate, play some music, write a
song, etc. Our house is small, old, and very loud. There is really no
such thing as a quiet place or time. If Sophia was asleep before me at
night AND if there was a place for me to play my piano and guitar
without the sound echoing through the whole house, I believe that
would help.

As a solution ,DH and I talked about closing off our dining area and
sound proofing it to make a music room. I contacted another
unschooling friend whose Dh does remodeling and he will most likely do
the work. More debt but I think it will be worth it in the end.

I don't want to send her out. I want to enjoy being with her. She is
an amazing girl.

*****************************************************


> It SHOULD bother you to be away from her. She's six. Your her mom.
>Maybe I misunderstood what you meant here but it looks like you
>suspect there's something wrong with you because you feel guilty
>about ditching your kid. The problem is not your guilt. The
>problem is the thing that's urging you to put her in a program.

Yep on all accounts.


*******************************************

> Why *did* you get a puppy?

I thought Zoe needed a buddy and because Sophia wanted one.

> Are you in the habit of acting before you've thought a thing >through?


Yes, in a way. I think and think and research lots and then it becomes
all jumbled in my head and I can't figure out what the *correct*
decision is. Then I make a decision based on how I would like things
to be or how I would like to think of myself, not a reality based
decision. For example, I am mostly a couch potato person but I would
like to be, and sometime actually manage to be for short durations, an
active runner type of person who will take her active type dogs for
hour walks/runs everyday.
*******************************************************

>Did you decide to unschool in the same way you decided to get a >puppy?

I really want to say no, but reality is a yes, I think. I can't
imagine Sophia in a school setting without her spirit being crushed. I
thought about homeschooling since she was born because I knew she
and school would not be a good fit. Then I came across unschooling and
it sounded like a very good fit to how Sophia is.

***********************************


>It may be that your thoughts, understanding and dedication to
>unschooling are superficial and more research will help you decide
>one way or another.


Wow, not what I expected to hear. In fact I am a bit angry at the
*superficial*, which tells me it is a sore spot and probably holds
some truth. Ouch.


*************************************

> You're not trapped. Of the other beings you've mentioned in your
>post, you are the only one with the power and legal right to make
>your circumstances different. You can pack a bag and leave in the
>next ten minutes and never come back, but your child can't change her
>life without you're help and the puppy can't make his/her life better
>without your help. You have all the power and you're writing like
>you're the powerless one in this situation.

Yep.

*****************************************************

> Find a neighborhood kid to come walk the dogs two or three times a
>day. Pay the kid to do that for you. It will be liberating for you
>and a kindness to your puppy and a good thing for the kid. Everybody
>wins. Or *better yet*, get out and walk the dogs yourself, with
>your daughter, and explore your neighborhood and town, and delight in
>your puppy. The exercise will help your mental state and the walk
>will be a nice way to spend time with your kid and your puppy.


I did take the older dog for a walk and got the puppy some good play
time this morning. They are both napping quietly right now.

*************************
<Snip>

>You can choose to enjoy the complications of life with a puppy. We
>ALL have to find ways to figure out how to live in our lives. It's
>not unique to you that there are details to take care of and problems
>to solve and new things to get used to every day. That's what life
>is and the sooner you can embrace your own wonderful human
>adaptability the happier you will be.<g>

Yep.

*************************************************
> When my husband and I were moving from Alaska to Montana with a new
>baby, a dog, four cats and a rabbit, my sister in law said "Why not
>leave the animals there, it will be easier." I forgave her because
>she was obviously INSANE, but it did help me see that "Easy" wasn't
>what I wanted.

LOL. I do understand this. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love
all my animals. They are all the good stuff that really matters in
this existence. That is why I am here for advice because I don't want
to feel this way or to be this way.

I am not striving for easy as much as realistically doable.

*******************************************************
> Puppyless, is not the goal. Kidless is not the goal. The goal is
>happiness and it can be achieved more perfectly with a puppy and a
>kid.<g>

Yep

***********************************************
<Snip>

>Really. None of us are so important that we deserve most of own
>attention.<g>


ROFL. I am going to make a big print out of this and post it on a
kitchen cabinet.

********************************************************


> I know there's lots of writing out there about finding yourself,
>yada, yada, but honest to Pete, whatever you'd accomplish by making
>music or staring at a wall will pale in comparison to what you will
>accomplish by dedicating yourself to making a joyful life for your
>family. Talk about feeling good and changing the world? Exalt a
>kid. Give a dog a happy life. Your inner whatever will be
>overflowing.

I am resentful for not being able to play music. It has always been my
way of coping with stress, finding my center. I have read in other
posts people being advised to meditate or find some time to take a
break. Why would my thing be different? What am I missing?

Anyhow, I think I all ready found a solution to this one with making
the dining area a music room. That would allow me to play if/when
Sophia is asleep without me. Again, just the thought that this will
happen gives me hope.


***********************************************************

> Do more with your kid instead of looking for ways to do without her.
>Not only will that help you get closer to unschooling, it will help
>you get closer to your kid.


YEP. Dh and I are cleaning up the house while Sophia is playing at a
friends (she asked to go over) and I am feeling better today anyhow.

Still, this year since beginning to unschooling has been hard for me.
I want to *get it* and at moments I do, but then it's gone. Then there
are the moments when I can't imagine doing it any different. Maybe I
am trying too hard to understand how it works instead of just doing
the work to make it work.

Your words hear give me lots to think about.

Thank you
Rachel

Rachel

--- In [email protected], "diana jenner"
<hahamommy@...> wrote:
>
> ***Just thinking about about
> being away from Sophia makes me feel guilty, what the heck is wrong
> with me????????***
>
> There's nothing wrong, it's your Mommy Radar telling you that being away
> from Sophia is *not* the right thing to do.
> Just to put your story into my perspective: Hannah had a bloody nose mid
> January 2006 and was dead by Feb 24, a mere 6 weeks later. I can't
imagine
> the guilt I would have felt had I been acting on my selfish
thoughts, (as a
> single mama, I absolutely understand the urge to get a break, even an
> overwhelming urge to get away) instead of reconnecting to the *mommy
I am*
> and remembering I had a whole 27 years before kids came and I'll
have way
> more than 27 years with them *not* as little kids.
> This is a sacred time in your life, in Sophie's life, *this* mama
suggests
> you take advantage NOW (it's all ya got!)
> --
> ~diana :)
> xoxoxoxo
> hannahbearski.blogspot.com



Diana, I am so sorry. I have read about Hannah (on your blog?).

You are right. I am being selfish and I would never forgive myself for
losing this time with Sophia if anything happened to her. Your heart
felt reminder has shifted my perspective. There is only now.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel

--- In [email protected], "swissarmy_wife"
<heatherbean@...> wrote:
>
> I just REread this. For some reason, I read 4 dogs and 2 cats. That
> is why I initially made the suggestion that that might be too much for
> you right now.
>
> This changes a bit. I already read that you got a second dog create.
> That is a good thing for nighttime peace. :-)
>


Yes, last night was a very quiet night. Both dogs slept all night in
their crates and the cats got the run of the house (I think they
enjoyed that).

I don't know why I didn't just get the crate to begin with??

Rachel

Tara

Rachel,

I just had a thought: Do you have a local unschooling group? And/or an
unschooling friend who lives close by that you can talk to, ask
questions, vent to, get advice from?

Advice from an online group is great but nothing takes the place of a
close friend who gets unschooling and gets you. Someone who can look at
your situation first hand and help you out, maybe take S. for a
playdate or just be there in an unschooling perspective.

I don't think I would have made it a week without my local group!

~ Tara

Rachel

--- In [email protected], Kendrah Nilsestuen
<carebear-79@...> wrote:
>
> **Do more with your kid instead of looking for ways to do without
> her. Not only
> will that help you get closer to unschooling, it will help you get
> closer to
> your kid.** Deb L wrote
>
> I've said this repeatedly, but I'll say it again. :) Whenever I feel
> like moving away from my children to get my "own space" it is a sure
> sign I should be moving toward them instead. If I'm *looking* for
> ways to be away from them, I'm in a place of disconnection. If I'm in
> a place of connection with my children, time for myself naturally
> follows.
>
> Kendrah
> Mama to Payge 4.5, Damien 23 months
>

Disconnected is a very good description of how I have been feeling. It
makes sense too. I imagine Sophia is trying to pull me into a
connection and I am sensing that as her taking more than I have. I bet
the dogs do too <g>. Maybe if I reconnect it will feel better.


Thank you,
Rachel

swissarmy_wife

I can't remember what the post was about or how long ago it was, but
someone on this board once said something to the effect of...

When you meet a need, the need disappears.

This statement rings over and over in my head. Especially when I'm
feeling stressed. When my kids are really needing me I do my best to
meet their needs in the best way possible. (making food, playing a
game, cuddling, etc.) and later on this need seemingly disappears.
They seem to be so much more content for the remainder of the day.
Same with the dog. I have a Puggle (half Beagle Half Pug). If he is
hyper or howling, I know I haven't met his needs. He's also a puppy
and is a chewer. But if I meet his needs, take him for a walk,
roughhouse with him a little, make sure he has plenty to chew on, then
he is a great puppy and really tends to listen much better.

My point is that when you meet everyone's needs, it becomes possible
to meet your own. Instead of running from the problem, bring your
self closer to it, and meet their needs. You will find much more time
for yourself even while the kids and dogs are in the house.


> I do want to say I'm a radical unschooler AND I want to BE a radical
> unschooler, but I am not yet there. I know that Sophia needs to be
> unschooled to thrive because of how she is, but right now I am so
> tired and don't feel like I have anything to give her. I have been
> short and snappy and resentful. Not a good way to be. Hence, my desire
> to find at least a few hours a week to refill my own tank.

Jodi Bezzola

I have been taking a natural form of serotonin for about a year now with great results. It's CoQ1, commonly called NADH, and the one I have is made by Kal. It is a little tablet taken once every morning, working out to about $25 a month...works for me! I take Holy Basil (an herb, and I use the tincture in liquid form) for those emotionally huge roller coaster times when everything just feels like too much - pms, etc. It kind of feels like the difference between standing out in the rain getting wet and cold, and watching the rain from inside somewhere warm and cozy.

Rachel, I have experienced much of what you are describing. I have struggled with depression in the past, have chosen medication a few times, but now choose to really work on what is fueling the depression. For me, lots of therapy, lots of working through what was causing me to choose to stay in depression, and different types of bodywork that have helped immensely to move *out* what was stuck (old stuff), and likely causing the symptom of depression for me.

All the best,

Jodi




---------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Rachel

--- In [email protected], "Deb Lewis" <d.lewis@...> wrote:


> *** the house is a wreck (I would not let my sister who
> was visiting from out of state come over because of the mess, she
> works for Head-start).***

> Pick up one thing and put it away and then do that again. Fill up
>the sink with hot soapy water and every time you walk past, wash one
>thing and put it away. Make a cake and call a friend to come help
>you with housework and then next week make a cake and go help her.
>Start with one corner of one room. Don't think about everything you
>have to do, pick one thing and do that and then pick another thing.
>>Why didn't you ask your sis for help? Maybe she's not the helping
>kind. : (

I never even thought of asking her for help. She is 15 years older
than me and I don't know her very well. Maybe asking her to help would
have been an invitation for us to get to know each other better.


> If you're depressed, address that but you can, at the same time,
>take action to improve your life at home. You can be depressed in a
>clean house too.

OMG LOL. I think your are destroying my perfectly good pity party Deb
<BWG>.


>You can be depressed while you do dishes or mop the >floor or walk
>the dog. *Or*, you can choose not to dedicate yourself >to your
>downward spiral and start grabbing for the things that can >pull you
>up. Something well done is inspiring and feeds a desire to move
>toward a more positive frame of mind. Even if that thing is a load
>of laundry, a clean kitchen counter, a big pot of soup. Depression
>can be seductive, but you're not powerless.
>
> Are you stuck thinking that if you could just find some time to be
>creative and do your art you'd find the positive attitude you think
>you need to get more fully into life?

Yes I have been.


>You can find that positive attitude in taking care of your house and
>kid. There is a kind of art and creativity in caring for your home
>and family. Stop looking for answers everywhere else and *get
>busy.* Do something. Really. Get moving, get your blood pumping.
>Whirl into your housework and whirl into your life. Light candles,
>put on some music, open a bag of M&M's (put them where the puppy
>can't reach if you want to have some for yourself) so you can grab a
>handful when you're zooming around picking up the house.

Yummo. I love M&M's. Last night (pretty late) Sophia put her hands on
her hips and told me "Let's get this place cleaned up" right out of
the blue. We worked 5 minutes in each of 3 different rooms and that
was it but it made a huge difference.


Thanks again
Rachel

Rachel

--- In [email protected], Jodi Bezzola
<jodibezzola@...> wrote:
>
> I have been taking a natural form of serotonin for about a year now
with great results. It's CoQ1, commonly called NADH, and the one I
have is made by Kal. It is a little tablet taken once every morning,
working out to about $25 a month...works for me! I take Holy Basil
(an herb, and I use the tincture in liquid form) for those emotionally
huge roller coaster times when everything just feels like too much -
pms, etc. It kind of feels like the difference between standing out
in the rain getting wet and cold, and watching the rain from inside
somewhere warm and cozy.
>
> Rachel, I have experienced much of what you are describing. I
have struggled with depression in the past, have chosen medication a
few times, but now choose to really work on what is fueling the
depression. For me, lots of therapy, lots of working through what was
causing me to choose to stay in depression, and different types of
bodywork that have helped immensely to move *out* what was stuck (old
stuff), and likely causing the symptom of depression for me.
>
> All the best,
>
> Jodi
>
>

I am interested in what kind of body work you are talking about and
how it helped. If you could to contact me by e-mail I would like more
info. If not that is ok too.

Thank you,
Rachel

Ren Allen

~~We worked 5 minutes in each of 3 different rooms and that
was it but it made a huge difference.~~

We sometimes do our "10 minute clean ups" where we set the timer for
10 minutes and do as much as we can, as fast as we can in just one
room. Then we move to the next room. After about 2-3 rooms it really
doesn't seem like the house is that messy.:)


Ren
learninginfreedom.com

riasplace3

--- In [email protected], "Rachel" <radle12000@...>
wrote:

> She has in the past asked to be a part of this program because we
> often swim in the pool at the same time the kids in the program are
> there. There are no education or academic things involved except for a
> provided time for the kids to do homework if they have it. Activities
> include, swimming, climbing the rock wall, playing on the basketball
> courts, outside play, crafts, and more.


That all sounds wonderful, but would you not be there with her? I know
my girls at 6, and even now my 10 year old, wouldn't like to be left
alone even with wonderful things to do. They'd want to know that
someone "belonging to them" was there with them, just in case.

I was just wondering if it was the sort of program where you'd "have"
to leave her, or if you could participate with her. Exercise and
hanging out with others would probably help with depression, too.

Ria

Rachel

--- In [email protected], "Tara" <organicsis@...> wrote:
>
> Rachel,
>
> I just had a thought: Do you have a local unschooling group? And/or an
> unschooling friend who lives close by that you can talk to, ask
> questions, vent to, get advice from?
>
> Advice from an online group is great but nothing takes the place of a
> close friend who gets unschooling and gets you. Someone who can look at
> your situation first hand and help you out, maybe take S. for a
> playdate or just be there in an unschooling perspective.
>
> I don't think I would have made it a week without my local group!
>
> ~ Tara


We have met some neat people from our local group. Hi ladies if any of
you are on this list.

The e-mail that was from my original post was sent to a good friend
who I met through unschooling (on Alwaysunschooled??). She responded
with wonderful words of encouragement and an offer to do a play date
exchange a couple times a week (one of her kids is close to Sophia's
age and they love to play together). This sounds really good to me.

Rachel