Dealing with tone was: The Empty Cup Mind
Nance Confer
No, it's not just you. It has never, over the years, been just you. There are many people (if I recall correctly, including me when I first started exploring unschooling before this list even existed) who have complained about the tone of some unschooling posters.
Some of the more senior unschoolers have a richly-deserved reputation for speaking their minds in an extremely direct, even strident, way. And now I see some new (to me anyway) folks taking that same tack.
I think if the readers you are hearing from could learn not to take each word from those posters so personally, to reach for the overarching messages and themes, to see what fits them now and what they would like to grow into (or not), they will get a lot of benefit from reading here and on other unschooling lists/boards/sites.
But they must be responsible for their own reactions to what they read. If they find certain posters to be too upsetting, they shouldn't read their posts. Really. I've done it and it works. Certain posters just rub me the wrong way (although I am certain I never ruffle anyone else's feathers :) ) and I can't stand their online "voices." I don't read what they write.
But, in the long run, I end up getting the same information and the same insights from others along the way. So much is repeated and rephrased and reanalyzed that you really can't miss the main points.
So where was I? Oh yes. Speak up. Take what you can from the answers you get. Leave the rest. Don't fight endlessly with people you are never going to agree with. If unschooling turns out not to be for you, oh well. Move on. If it mostly fits but you keep comparing yourself to other unschoolers, get over it. We all do things differently.
Step back and soak in the big picture. :)
OK, enough from me.
Nance
Read the posts and read them as you being the parent
being attacked. I'm not imagining this. I get private e-mails about
how hurtful a few members are and how afraid people are to post here
because they have been attacked. People are hiding on this list,
wanting and needing to ask questions and deathly afraid to lay
themselves out because they don't want to be next in the crosshairs.
It's not just me.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Some of the more senior unschoolers have a richly-deserved reputation for speaking their minds in an extremely direct, even strident, way. And now I see some new (to me anyway) folks taking that same tack.
I think if the readers you are hearing from could learn not to take each word from those posters so personally, to reach for the overarching messages and themes, to see what fits them now and what they would like to grow into (or not), they will get a lot of benefit from reading here and on other unschooling lists/boards/sites.
But they must be responsible for their own reactions to what they read. If they find certain posters to be too upsetting, they shouldn't read their posts. Really. I've done it and it works. Certain posters just rub me the wrong way (although I am certain I never ruffle anyone else's feathers :) ) and I can't stand their online "voices." I don't read what they write.
But, in the long run, I end up getting the same information and the same insights from others along the way. So much is repeated and rephrased and reanalyzed that you really can't miss the main points.
So where was I? Oh yes. Speak up. Take what you can from the answers you get. Leave the rest. Don't fight endlessly with people you are never going to agree with. If unschooling turns out not to be for you, oh well. Move on. If it mostly fits but you keep comparing yourself to other unschoolers, get over it. We all do things differently.
Step back and soak in the big picture. :)
OK, enough from me.
Nance
Read the posts and read them as you being the parent
being attacked. I'm not imagining this. I get private e-mails about
how hurtful a few members are and how afraid people are to post here
because they have been attacked. People are hiding on this list,
wanting and needing to ask questions and deathly afraid to lay
themselves out because they don't want to be next in the crosshairs.
It's not just me.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
If you went to a vegetarian list to argue that there are some
situations in which people absolutely have to eat meat, what kind of
reaction would you expect? So, there may BE, for all I know, some rare
medical conditions that require meat-eating, but it would be rude and
disruptive and not at all useful for someone to go to a vegetarian-
support email list to insist that eating meat is sometimes necessary.
This list IS here to support more radical (read that as "whole life")
unschooling and people should expect that coming here and saying,
"Sometimes you have to force a kid to ...whatever," is going to be
questioned and doubted and critiqued just like someone going to a
vegetarian list and saying, "Sometimes you have to eat meat."
ideas. Nobody knows what kind of person you are, they don't think
ANYTHING of you as a mother, wife, human being. They are responding to
your ideas. Be more detached.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
situations in which people absolutely have to eat meat, what kind of
reaction would you expect? So, there may BE, for all I know, some rare
medical conditions that require meat-eating, but it would be rude and
disruptive and not at all useful for someone to go to a vegetarian-
support email list to insist that eating meat is sometimes necessary.
This list IS here to support more radical (read that as "whole life")
unschooling and people should expect that coming here and saying,
"Sometimes you have to force a kid to ...whatever," is going to be
questioned and doubted and critiqued just like someone going to a
vegetarian list and saying, "Sometimes you have to eat meat."
> Read the posts and read them as you being the parentIt is not YOU at all. You're taking things personally, but is about
> being attacked. I'm not imagining this. I get private e-mails about
> how hurtful a few members are and how afraid people are to post here
> because they have been attacked. People are hiding on this list,
> wanting and needing to ask questions and deathly afraid to lay
> themselves out because they don't want to be next in the crosshairs.
>
> It's not just me.
ideas. Nobody knows what kind of person you are, they don't think
ANYTHING of you as a mother, wife, human being. They are responding to
your ideas. Be more detached.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
***Read the posts and read them as you being the parent being attacked. ***
I think this part of the problem. The other parents on the list are not attackers. It'd be better not to think of them as attackers. It'd be better all around to not read the posts as if you're being attacked.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I think this part of the problem. The other parents on the list are not attackers. It'd be better not to think of them as attackers. It'd be better all around to not read the posts as if you're being attacked.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
At 14:50 2/18/2008, you wrote:
showed me how my expectations about what I think someone else is
thinking and feeling can actually alter my 3-D reality. I am
grateful to have had this learning experience really young.
I was 18 years old and sharing a house with 3 other young women
around my age. I had borrowed one of my housemates gloves and I
hadn't returned them yet. I guess I was feeling kinda funky about
that. I was the first one home this one particular day, and I went
into my room and found on my dresser a note from this one housemate,
Eva, from whom I had borrowed the gloves. I read her hand-written
note to me, and I was incredulous at the hostility and venom in that
note! I was really freaked out and started feeling pretty defensive
and crummy about the whole thing. I read it a couple of more times
and then, really upset, I put the note down on my dresser and went
into the kitchen to get something to drink. When I came back, I
picked up the note to re-read it and was amazed to find that the note
was completely NOT at all about the gloves and was not hostile or
venomous in any way. There was, in fact, no way I could read that
note and trick myself into seeing this other stuff I thought had been
there. It was so weird! She was just telling me that she would be
home later than expected.
It was sooo weird that I could actually have *seen* something so
plainly that simply wasn't there. That's when I learned not to
necessarily believe everything I think I'm seeing or hearing, or
especially what I'm even thinking. What an incredible, beautiful
lesson that was!
~Marji, who still has those gloves
(nah! just kidding! I can't keep gloves for a week, let alone 32
years! YIKES! Did I just say 32 years?!?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<http://www.joyfullyparenting.com/>Joyfully Parenting & Life Coaching
<http://zintz-kunkel.blogspot.com/>Our Unschooling Life (a 'blog)
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>***Read the posts and read them as you being the parent being attacked. ***I had something happen to me one time that literally blew me away and
>
>I think this part of the problem. The other parents on the list are
>not attackers. It'd be better not to think of them as
>attackers. It'd be better all around to not read the posts as if
>you're being attacked.
>
>Deb Lewis
showed me how my expectations about what I think someone else is
thinking and feeling can actually alter my 3-D reality. I am
grateful to have had this learning experience really young.
I was 18 years old and sharing a house with 3 other young women
around my age. I had borrowed one of my housemates gloves and I
hadn't returned them yet. I guess I was feeling kinda funky about
that. I was the first one home this one particular day, and I went
into my room and found on my dresser a note from this one housemate,
Eva, from whom I had borrowed the gloves. I read her hand-written
note to me, and I was incredulous at the hostility and venom in that
note! I was really freaked out and started feeling pretty defensive
and crummy about the whole thing. I read it a couple of more times
and then, really upset, I put the note down on my dresser and went
into the kitchen to get something to drink. When I came back, I
picked up the note to re-read it and was amazed to find that the note
was completely NOT at all about the gloves and was not hostile or
venomous in any way. There was, in fact, no way I could read that
note and trick myself into seeing this other stuff I thought had been
there. It was so weird! She was just telling me that she would be
home later than expected.
It was sooo weird that I could actually have *seen* something so
plainly that simply wasn't there. That's when I learned not to
necessarily believe everything I think I'm seeing or hearing, or
especially what I'm even thinking. What an incredible, beautiful
lesson that was!
~Marji, who still has those gloves
(nah! just kidding! I can't keep gloves for a week, let alone 32
years! YIKES! Did I just say 32 years?!?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<http://www.joyfullyparenting.com/>Joyfully Parenting & Life Coaching
<http://zintz-kunkel.blogspot.com/>Our Unschooling Life (a 'blog)
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]