Carrie Q. Schaefer

Jodi,

This is my first post, but I have been following this discussion. My DD
is 19.5 months old, and I am just starting the process of really
learning about unschooling. My DH is pretty much following my lead
because I am bossy and mean about it :(. I am this way out of fear
because his parents are HORRIBLE to their grandchildren (yelling at them
for laughing and playing, getting excited, or being needy; calling them
stupid; telling them they are not capable of doing things; and they are
not opposed to "beating kids' butts"), yet want to be very involved in
the lives of their grandchildren. DH doesn't always recognize how
harmful their behavior is, so I fear he will repeat it (thankfully, he
agrees that DD should not be left alone with them).

I have discussed with him how I feel that our parents did not set a good
parenting example for us, and that if we don't remain conscious of how
we are raising DD, then we are likely to use those same techniques.

DH is not a reader, so I have asked him to listen to Naomi Aldort's CD's
with me. I am also thinking of ordering Alfie Kohn's DVD to watch with
DH. Occasionally, I will ask him to read a short article.

In all of the reading I have been doing lately, I am realizing that a
better approach might be to focus more on how I treat DH than on
worrying about how he is treating DD. This would undoubtedly improve our
relationship, and hopefully make him see how worthwhile it is to treat
DD that way. This is a HUGE struggle for me, as I realize how
controlling I am. I want to "correct" almost everything he says to DD
because there is still so much coercion, praise, and labeling. I have my
own healing to do!

~Carrie

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Carrie Q. Schaefer <carrie@...>

My DH is pretty much following my lead
because I am bossy and mean about it :(. I am this way out of fear
because his parents are HORRIBLE to their grandchildren (yelling at
them
for laughing and playing, getting excited, or being needy; calling them
stupid; telling them they are not capable of doing things; and they are
not opposed to "beating kids' butts"), yet want to be very involved in
the lives of their grandchildren. DH doesn't always recognize how
harmful their behavior is, so I fear he will repeat it (thankfully, he
agrees that DD should not be left alone with them).

-=-=-=-=-=-

I don't think they have earned the right to be around their
grandchildren. I'd keep mine away from them until they learned to "play
nice."

-=-=-=-

I have discussed with him how I feel that our parents did not set a
good
parenting example for us, and that if we don't remain conscious of how
we are raising DD, then we are likely to use those same techniques.

<snip>

In all of the reading I have been doing lately, I am realizing that a
better approach might be to focus more on how I treat DH than on
worrying about how he is treating DD. This would undoubtedly improve
our
relationship, and hopefully make him see how worthwhile it is to treat
DD that way. This is a HUGE struggle for me, as I realize how
controlling I am. I want to "correct" almost everything he says to DD
because there is still so much coercion, praise, and labeling. I have
my
own healing to do!

-=-=-=

Right! If you are using that bullying technique on him, he may fight
you! <g> Try using your new "techniques" on him too!




~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org


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