chillmidcoastcom

Hi, my 8 yo son (first of two) is very sensitive, intuitive, mellow and
sweet. I knew in my heart that unschooling was right for us, but for
the past two years have been following a curriculum because of my own
lack of fill-in-the-blank. I am finally growing enough to trust- myself
and my children.
I have dropped the packed curriculum, with a huge sigh of relief, for
about a week now. The boys have been playing happily until today - he
just fell in a heap; he is a wreck...'shouldn't we be doing school?
PLEASE just tell me what you want me to do...I want to make you happy.'

Do you see how many levels I feel like I've been failing on here? Has
this happened to anyone? Are there words of solace and wisdom that I
can direct toward him? My panic comes from having such a great person
in front of me under such stress! I feel so guilty.

Thanks for any advice you can give.
Cynthia

wisdomalways5

--- In [email protected], "chillmidcoastcom"
<chill74@...> wrote:
>
> Hi, my 8 yo son (first of two) is very sensitive, intuitive, The
boys have been playing happily until today - he
> just fell in a heap; he is a wreck...'shouldn't we be doing
school?
> PLEASE just tell me what you want me to do...I want to make you
happy.'
>


This is where you can talk about what "learning" is- explain
that 'you " are not going to be in charge of learning but "he" and
you will help him to LEARN anything he wants to. books, computers,
movies, talking, tv all teach you something and he gets to learn
real stuff where kids in school do not

There is also this fear that those kids are in school all
day "learning" and he might be missing something important so
talking about the stuff that happens in school could be helpful too

Explain what he is doing with his days and how it is learning- my
daughter (3) sorted the popsicles by color- that is learning- my
daughter 4.5 is trying to belly dance to my dvd my 14 yr old spends
all day on world of warcraft and he is "learning" spelling, writing,
communication, interpersonal relationships, math, spatial reasoning,
character traits and development. There is just so just learning
that to most people he just plays computer BUT I know he is learning
and having a great time

JulieH

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "chillmidcoastcom"
<chill74@...> wrote:
>> The boys have been playing happily until today - he
> just fell in a heap; he is a wreck...'shouldn't we be doing
school?
> PLEASE just tell me what you want me to do...I want to make you
happy.'

So... are y'all just "hanging out" or actually going out and doing
fun things? Different kids, different personalities are going to
need different ways of deschooling - and ultimately unschooling too.
I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but applying the concept can
be complicated if y'all have gotten into a pattern where Mom is the
one directing the show - what does it mean when Mom stops directing?
To a warm, interactive personality, I could see where that could
be "read" as "mom's not happy with me!"

See his statement as a request for more interaction. Plan some trips
and activities together. Let him know you're trying a different way
of "doing school" and want to do more *with* him - what would he
like to do with you? He may need help deciding, or even thinking
about possibilities for awhile. Do some brainstorming together. What
would be fun for an hour, a day, a week... Outside stuff, rainy-day
stuff. Browse the internet together for projects or go to the
library. Do some of that yourself and offer him a neat new thing as
a gift "just because".

Offer to do something with him every day. Maybe several times a day.
If he likes routines, plan to do something at a certain time every
day for awhile - read or color or watch tv, just do it together.
Help him feel that you're doing this bc you want to spend *more*
time with him, not less.

> I feel so guilty.

It might be helpful to look more deeply at why you feel this way and
what you are expecting of yourself as a parent - do you find
you "rate" yourself based on how happy you perceive your children to
be? There's a dangerous trap to fall into in that we can never, ever
guarantee another person's happiness. As parents, if we get caught
up in the idea that we are *responsible* for our kids' happiness, we
can begin to devalue the rest of our children's emotions.

Kids need to know its Okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, bored,
scared, uncertain.... These are all real human emotions they will
feel at one time or other in their lives. That's not to say that
problem solving isn't important! But not every problem is fixable in
the moment. Not every solution works the way we would like it to. So
we parents need to be open to the less happy emotions, and help our
children process them.

> Do you see how many levels I feel like I've been failing on here?

I don't see that you've "failed" anything at all, personally. Your
son has made an attempt to communicate and you are attempting to
understand and figure out what to do. TADA! That's a success in my
book. Needing help understanding one another is one of the
challenges of being human.

---Meredith (Mo 6, Ray 14)

kel9769

--- In [email protected], "chillmidcoastcom"
<chill74@...> wrote:
>
> The boys have been playing happily until today - he
> just fell in a heap; he is a wreck...'shouldn't we be doing
school?
> PLEASE just tell me what you want me to do...I want to make you
happy.'
>

The response from the middle of my gut is to wrap your boy in your
arms and tell him that you are always happy just being with him.
Tell him how much you love him and trust him and it's not his job to
worry about school or making you happy. That you really just want
to take some time right now to have fun with him and worry about
doing school later. As time goes by and he gets more confident in
his ability to find value in doing the things that bring him joy
then he won't worry about it.

I think for a lot of kids it is a scary transition at first. So
much of their self worth is wrapped up in being successful in the
eyes of their parents, teachers, coaches, peers by conforming to the
norm. It takes time and support to break free from that point of
view and learn to find value in being happy and exploring their
passions. What a gift though to give your kids though. Time and
freedom to discover who they are and what makes them happy.
Kelly

chillmidcoastcom

I am so grateful to you for your responses. Your thoughts are so
poignant, it's as if you personally know us. Your insights are saved
and will be read and re-read - thank you so much for sharing your
wisdom. I'm really proud to be connected to you all with such a
fundamental truth, and this group has already helped to alleviate some
initial jitters - as promised, eh?

Thanks again,
Cynthia

chillmidcoastcom

Wanted to give you an update on my son's natural paradigm shift -
thanks for your encouraging direction -

My MIL was/is horrified by our decision to homeschool (I'm an implant
to a small town where EVERYONE goes to the local school up the
street, no questions asked.ever.)

Just today she confronted my 8 yo son, "Did you 'do your school work'
today?" (GROAN) when he, very confidently replied, "My mom is
teaching us that worksheets and school at home are artificial ways of
learning, and we will no longer be using them" She freaked and said
(and I quote), "That ain't RIGHT! That ain't right! You won't learn
MATH" to which he responded, quite accurately, "My great grandfather
never went to school a day after second grade and he is a self-taught
math master. I think I'll turn out just fine." (my 89 yo grandfather,
currently one of my son's very good friends, was a self-taught naval
architect for YEARS...)

You were so right! And I'm so glad I just trusted him, because,
honestly I don't think I could have kept my cool and been as eloquent
as he.

Thanks again,
Cynthia


--- In [email protected], "wisdomalways5"
<wisdom1133@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], "chillmidcoastcom"
> <chill74@> wrote:
> >
> > Hi, my 8 yo son (first of two) is very sensitive, intuitive, The
> boys have been playing happily until today - he
> > just fell in a heap; he is a wreck...'shouldn't we be doing
> school?
> > PLEASE just tell me what you want me to do...I want to make you
> happy.'
> >
>
>
> This is where you can talk about what "learning" is- explain
> that 'you " are not going to be in charge of learning but "he" and
> you will help him to LEARN anything he wants to. books, computers,
> movies, talking, tv all teach you something and he gets to learn
> real stuff where kids in school do not
>
>

Debra Rossing

Kudos to your 8 yr old!

BTW does a naval architect design belly buttons? (Okay I just couldn't
resist that bit of silliness) LOL

Deb

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[email protected]

>>Just today she confronted my 8 yo son, "Did you 'do your school work'
today?" (GROAN) when he, very confidently replied, "My mom is
teaching us that worksheets and school at home are artificial ways of
learning, and we will no longer be using them" She freaked and said
(and I quote), "That ain't RIGHT! That ain't right! You won't learn
MATH" to which he responded, quite accurately, "My great grandfather
never went to school a day after second grade and he is a self-taught
math master. I think I'll turn out just fine." <<

When we started homeschooling (unschooling, but we didn't even get into
that) we actually got amazing support, including from the teachers and principals
at the school Julian was leaving. The one exception was this bitchy woman,
Darlene, who was the mother of one of J's friends and a school committee
member.

Shortly after the school year started, with J NOT in school, we ran into
Darlene at the library, where Julian was looking up books on the card catalog.
Darlene asked in a snotty tone to Julian, "So, how is the homeschooling
going?" Julian didn't even notice the tone, but gushed excitedly, "Great! I read
The Giver and a couple of other utopian novels, so I'm looking up more to
read. It said Plato's Republic but my mom said that might be a bit much for an
eight year old..." and went on, happily. Darlene got a tight smile muttering
something like "That's nice," and went on her way.


I just looked at Julian and said, "Good answer."

Kathryn

Come to the Northeast Unschooling conference Memorial Day Weekend, May 23-25
2008 in Peabody, Massachusetts _www.northeastunschoolingconference.com_
(http://www.northeastunschoolingconference.com/)




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