Re: [unschoolingbasics] Do as I say...
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-----Original Message-----
From: Kendrah Nilsestuen <carebear-79@...>
<<I always hesitate to bring the screw-ups here. I realize that my life
can seem sooo perfect when I write.>>
I have to agree with this. I know I might get flack for this but here
goes...
I'm the type of person (so with my opinion I only speak for myself)
that thrives on the positivity of what I could be doing better,
rather than focusing on what mistakes I've made. I've found in groups
where people talk a lot about what they are doing wrong it tends to
stay focused on that and excuses having to do better.
-=-=-=
Kendrah, that's EXACTLY why we choose to show our *best* sides. If
readers think we never screw up, they're not really *thinking*! <g>
I like to focus on the positive too. Around here, we call "mistakes"
"LEARNING-TAKES"---which is what they really are. But it's better to
move in the *better* direction all the time.
Misery loves company and all that---it's just too easy to sink into "I
screwed up---aGAIN!"
So much better to say, "I did a *little* better this time. If I'm
aware, I can do *much* better next time!"
It's rare that there's SUCH an OBVIOUS malfunction as we had in
Minnesota; that's why I brought that here. The smaller ones are so
small and rare as to almost be inconsequential anymore.---Not that they
aren't addressed here at home, but they aren't "newsworthy." <g> But it
only got that way with lots and lots of trial and error and, well,
learning-takes. And my and Duncan's personalities are so different (Ben
says they are the same! <G>) that we're still learning that dance.
It takes work, but with just a deep breath, a little thinking, and some
empathy, we can BE better parents. A few extra tools (like the one you
just picked up from Ren) don't hurt! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
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From: Kendrah Nilsestuen <carebear-79@...>
<<I always hesitate to bring the screw-ups here. I realize that my life
can seem sooo perfect when I write.>>
I have to agree with this. I know I might get flack for this but here
goes...
I'm the type of person (so with my opinion I only speak for myself)
that thrives on the positivity of what I could be doing better,
rather than focusing on what mistakes I've made. I've found in groups
where people talk a lot about what they are doing wrong it tends to
stay focused on that and excuses having to do better.
-=-=-=
Kendrah, that's EXACTLY why we choose to show our *best* sides. If
readers think we never screw up, they're not really *thinking*! <g>
I like to focus on the positive too. Around here, we call "mistakes"
"LEARNING-TAKES"---which is what they really are. But it's better to
move in the *better* direction all the time.
Misery loves company and all that---it's just too easy to sink into "I
screwed up---aGAIN!"
So much better to say, "I did a *little* better this time. If I'm
aware, I can do *much* better next time!"
It's rare that there's SUCH an OBVIOUS malfunction as we had in
Minnesota; that's why I brought that here. The smaller ones are so
small and rare as to almost be inconsequential anymore.---Not that they
aren't addressed here at home, but they aren't "newsworthy." <g> But it
only got that way with lots and lots of trial and error and, well,
learning-takes. And my and Duncan's personalities are so different (Ben
says they are the same! <G>) that we're still learning that dance.
It takes work, but with just a deep breath, a little thinking, and some
empathy, we can BE better parents. A few extra tools (like the one you
just picked up from Ren) don't hurt! <G>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free
from AOL at AOL.com.
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In a message dated 8/7/2007 9:52:36 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time,
carebear-79@... writes:
I'm the type of person (so with my opinion I only speak for myself)
that thrives on the positivity of what I could be doing better,
rather than focusing on what mistakes I've made. I've found in groups
where people talk a lot about what they are doing wrong it tends to
stay focused on that and excuses having to do better.
___________________________________________________________
I needed to hear this today. Badly.
I had a HORENDOUS day yesterday, where I wound up screaming at both the
children and being a huge pain in the rump. I was arbitrary, annoying and cranky.
And being an ass - please excuse my "French." ;)
Julian (almost 5) comes to me and says, "You need a hug." We hugged. It
helped for a moment or two, more than I realized, because all of the sudden, I
was able to say, "Oh, who cares about this laundry/water poured out of the
bath/massive ants/my depressive issues...let's lay here and watch Oobie before
bedtime."
So we did. And I felt SOOOOOOO much better, as did my poor kids ;) (who
always seem to understand when Mama's a poophead and accept my apologies with
grace and kindness). So later, instead of allowing myself to dwell in the house
of crap I built, lol, I let myself feel good about making the change, about
seeing what I did RIGHT, not what I did "wrong." And THAT is what helps me know
inside I'm on the right path with them.
I am now reaffirmed in my desire to see hat I do, what we do right, and to
stop focusing on all I feel I do that is wrong. It's bad for my heart of hearts
anyway, and def. is for the kids too.
Karen
************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
carebear-79@... writes:
I'm the type of person (so with my opinion I only speak for myself)
that thrives on the positivity of what I could be doing better,
rather than focusing on what mistakes I've made. I've found in groups
where people talk a lot about what they are doing wrong it tends to
stay focused on that and excuses having to do better.
___________________________________________________________
I needed to hear this today. Badly.
I had a HORENDOUS day yesterday, where I wound up screaming at both the
children and being a huge pain in the rump. I was arbitrary, annoying and cranky.
And being an ass - please excuse my "French." ;)
Julian (almost 5) comes to me and says, "You need a hug." We hugged. It
helped for a moment or two, more than I realized, because all of the sudden, I
was able to say, "Oh, who cares about this laundry/water poured out of the
bath/massive ants/my depressive issues...let's lay here and watch Oobie before
bedtime."
So we did. And I felt SOOOOOOO much better, as did my poor kids ;) (who
always seem to understand when Mama's a poophead and accept my apologies with
grace and kindness). So later, instead of allowing myself to dwell in the house
of crap I built, lol, I let myself feel good about making the change, about
seeing what I did RIGHT, not what I did "wrong." And THAT is what helps me know
inside I'm on the right path with them.
I am now reaffirmed in my desire to see hat I do, what we do right, and to
stop focusing on all I feel I do that is wrong. It's bad for my heart of hearts
anyway, and def. is for the kids too.
Karen
************************************** Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL at
http://discover.aol.com/memed/aolcom30tour
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
~~However, what I need to hear is suggestions on what I could be doing
better, not acceptance for what I did wrong.:) ~~
Same here.
I guess at this point, I KNOW everyone makes mistakes and having hung
out with so many unschooling families I realize we're all human!:)
But what helps me the most is hearing about great ideas in rough
moments, gentle words when stressed or ways that people learned to
re-think situations and be creative!
I know when I screw up too. I'm at a point where I really don't need
to post a question to the list, because I'm quite aware of how it
could have been handled better.
Just a couple nights ago, Jalen was bouncing up the hallway unaware
that a kitten was right under his feet. I screamed "JALEN" at the top
of my lungs. Scared the crap out of him. I saw that foot heading for a
kitten and totally panicked.
Poor guy was so sad that I had raised my voice. Even though I didn't
chastise him, the loud "JALEN!" was so unusual he got his feelings
hurt pretty badly. I felt like crap. It was panic, but I could have
handled it better.
I got over there and hugged him long and hard and apologized for
scaring him. I explained that I was really scared that a kitten was
about to get stepped on, but I shouldn't have yelled like that. He's
really sensitive to any kind of loud voice. If you have an edge of
irritation in your voice he'll say "don't yell at me". He's a great
barometer for me.
Anyhoo....I knew I could have handled it better. I knew exactly what
Kelly or Rue or Deb or Joyce or Meredith or Danielle would say (pretty
much...I hear their voices in my head now)HA!
I also know that because it's unusual for him to hear that, it works
really well in emergencies. ;)
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
better, not acceptance for what I did wrong.:) ~~
Same here.
I guess at this point, I KNOW everyone makes mistakes and having hung
out with so many unschooling families I realize we're all human!:)
But what helps me the most is hearing about great ideas in rough
moments, gentle words when stressed or ways that people learned to
re-think situations and be creative!
I know when I screw up too. I'm at a point where I really don't need
to post a question to the list, because I'm quite aware of how it
could have been handled better.
Just a couple nights ago, Jalen was bouncing up the hallway unaware
that a kitten was right under his feet. I screamed "JALEN" at the top
of my lungs. Scared the crap out of him. I saw that foot heading for a
kitten and totally panicked.
Poor guy was so sad that I had raised my voice. Even though I didn't
chastise him, the loud "JALEN!" was so unusual he got his feelings
hurt pretty badly. I felt like crap. It was panic, but I could have
handled it better.
I got over there and hugged him long and hard and apologized for
scaring him. I explained that I was really scared that a kitten was
about to get stepped on, but I shouldn't have yelled like that. He's
really sensitive to any kind of loud voice. If you have an edge of
irritation in your voice he'll say "don't yell at me". He's a great
barometer for me.
Anyhoo....I knew I could have handled it better. I knew exactly what
Kelly or Rue or Deb or Joyce or Meredith or Danielle would say (pretty
much...I hear their voices in my head now)HA!
I also know that because it's unusual for him to hear that, it works
really well in emergencies. ;)
Ren
learninginfreedom.com
[email protected]
>Hey Karen,
>
>
>I needed to hear this today. Badly.
>
>I had a HORENDOUS day yesterday, where I wound up screaming at both the
>
>children and being a huge pain in the rump. I was arbitrary, annoying and
> cranky.
>And being an ass - please excuse my "French." ;)
>
thanks for sharing your process through this kind of day. It was encouraging
to hear, as I was really overtired yeasterday arvo and did a bit of a temper
tantrum myself - ok, I WAS controlled, but kids can pick up the vibes.
You are so right, it's what we focus on - I can actually feel hurt that my
kids haven't listened to my requests and in this case, they were just having
a whole stack of fun and didn't MEAN to be quite that loud - they just got
carried away. They had a friend over and were making funny videos together
- I had asked them to keep it down because it was geting late and my hubby
had gone to bed). A humorous comment or a repeated reminder would have worked
fine - they are receptive kids. But I was asking them to be quiet, when my
son came to a bit in the movie where he had to make a loud noise - I think
they were being invaded by aliens, or something. I felt totally ignored and
walked out, slamming the door behind me. Yeah, I know....lol. I was thinking
about it after and realised that sometimes a sense of perspective is all
that's needed - so hard to find in the heat of the moment, but it's good
to have clarity on this kind of thing for next time.
Cheers,
Cathy.
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I'm thinking of the words to say I remember Ren's post about Jalen
and the couch. So I say in a non-threatening tone "tell me what
happened here."
Whoa - that is brilliant. That's it, the 'non-threatening tone'. I often
find myself rushing over, all emotionally-charged. I love the way you handled
this, thanks for going into details. I have only really got to a place where
I can start to have the penny drop with each little detail of these sort
of scenarios, so this really helps me think my behaviour through. I have
a friend who adopts a neutral tone and it even calms ME down. She isn't a
pushover, but she is wise enough to know that she is the mediator or the
person with the postiion to help de-escalate things. I am learning SO much
from this approach. I am quite an exciteable personality, so I can be a bit
of a dummy with this kind of thing. After all, charging over with the old
"What the @3*! is going on here" is no help at all. I usually apologise for
jumping the gun and my kids are very forgiving, but I really want to get
some better techniques. This light bulb stuff for me, thanks!
Cathy.
and the couch. So I say in a non-threatening tone "tell me what
happened here."
Whoa - that is brilliant. That's it, the 'non-threatening tone'. I often
find myself rushing over, all emotionally-charged. I love the way you handled
this, thanks for going into details. I have only really got to a place where
I can start to have the penny drop with each little detail of these sort
of scenarios, so this really helps me think my behaviour through. I have
a friend who adopts a neutral tone and it even calms ME down. She isn't a
pushover, but she is wise enough to know that she is the mediator or the
person with the postiion to help de-escalate things. I am learning SO much
from this approach. I am quite an exciteable personality, so I can be a bit
of a dummy with this kind of thing. After all, charging over with the old
"What the @3*! is going on here" is no help at all. I usually apologise for
jumping the gun and my kids are very forgiving, but I really want to get
some better techniques. This light bulb stuff for me, thanks!
Cathy.