Lisa Heyman

Marla - when my kids have fought in a manner that is plain old mean - I grab
them both and put them on my lap (harder to do these days) wrap my arms
around them and tell them how much I love both of them. And if that is not
enough to diffuse the moment, I will, like Ren, say that I don't want anyone
to talk to any one of my kids in that way. They both feel defended and
loved at the same time. And from there we can focus on a solution.



I wonder if your older dd needs help reframing her words so that when she is
feeling immense anger or frustration with her younger sib that is expressed
as an 'I hate you' you can help to turn it around by acknowledging how much
she hates the situation. I wouldn't attempt to devalue her feeling by a
corrective statement like, "you don't hate your sib, you hate the
situation." Because her truth in that moment is that her frustration and
anger has her feeling hatred toward her sib. This is a horrible thing to
hear from your child about another one of your children.but she needs
something big from you here.because I am guessing that hating her sib really
doesn't feel good to her in her heart as well. So by you acknowledging how
much she hates the situation (perhaps feeling powerless) can help her center
her feelings to thoughts that can then be expressed in a more rational
way.maybe.



<<So how do I deal with her telling her 4 yo. dd that if she eats
another popsicle she'll get fat (when we are trying to not control the
food they eat, other than their choices come from what we have
available at the moment) >>



When a child says something shaming to another child I might respond by
saying something like, "I don't agree," or "now why would you think
something like that?" in a very neutral way. Tone is everything. Think -
"gosh - that surprises me - I don't understand it." In your situation I am
wondering if your older dd is conscientious about her body weight (some
underlying message happening here from somewhere) that she is transferring
onto her sibling. Is your older dd feeling frustrated by her own food
choices and asking for some help or guidance?



<< or she calls her stupid and tells her to shut
up for singing too long?>>



"Please don't call her stupid," is a reasonable response - again - tone is
everything - berating your older dd is antithetical to the point. Perhaps
stroke your older dd's head while saying "don't speak to her that way." AS
to the singing too long.this is where maybe your instigating a creative
problem solving conversation to make the environment comfortable for
everyone - include both sibs in the conversation as to what solution would
work for everyone. You are as important as they are as to your comfort
level in your environment.



While it may seem easier to solve conflict by separating the girls - I don't
agree that this is really the best solution in the long the run. It doesn't
help them to recognize each other, the struggles they feel and come to some
higher level of being together if the conflicts are not solved together.
Last year I had a conflict with a colleague and when I approached the
program director for assistance she stated that it's obvious we two had
communication problems and that she felt for now we shouldn't communicate
with one another. Well that surely didn't solve anything.



As for not intervening.once I have intervened and the girls are both in a
rational state they do communicate and do get to a level place without me
having to say much more than what I've stated above. I have always said and
still believe the kids come up with better solutions than the limits of my
broad experience can imagine. They are not restricted by the confines of
experience!!!



Hope this helps in some small way.

Lisa Heyman



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ren Allen

~~Marla - when my kids have fought in a manner that is plain old mean
- I grab them both and put them on my lap (harder to do these days)
wrap my arms around them and tell them how much I love both of them. ~~

I love this!

That works sometimes around here, depending on the intensity level and
what exactly is unfolding. The times I've done that, it usually
devolves into giggles or "group hug" or something similar and then
everyone is in a better place to discuss how they are feeling.

I think hugs and love can work great when anger starts to well up.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com