asmb65

Hi Everyone,

I have a situation that I'd love comments on. In our neighborhood there
is a handful of kids ranging in age from 4-6 who roam around playing
with no adult supervision pretty much all day long. These kids are far
from polite and have spent a lot of time in daycare or changing care
situations.

The difficulty for me is that my oldest (Sam, 5) sometimes asks to
wander around with them. He is socially very easy going and is happy to
play with just about anyone, be it a 2 or 8-year-old. I'm not
comfortable with him being just anywhere within a two or three block
area (this seems to be the range of these kids). And since I have
Quinn, 2, I'm not free to wander around with them.

My boys and I spend a lot of time playing in our yard, sword fighting,
reading, making mud pies, playing games, you name it. We also get out
most days to play with little friends or have friends over. Our yard is
really attractive to these kids (who live in a nearby apartment
building with no green space).

I really don't want to end up with this particular group of kids in my
yard all summer. A woman two doors down has ended up in that situation
and she often seems to have five or six kids in her yard. She seems to
be rarely outside with her five-year-old but I can hear her yelling at
the kids in the yard occasionally or threatening to kick them all out
of the yard.

I feel kind of stuck. There are the in-between times when I'm getting
lunch ready or needing to make some phone calls and it's during these
times that I'm not available to play with Sam that if these kids go by
he asks to join them. I've always managed to suggest something else for
us to do that interests him.

This is a new situation now that summer is here and everyone is outside
all the time. What I really don't want is our yard turning into the
local park with me supervising a group of difficult kids whose parents
I have never even met. Or having Sam wandering around the neighborhood
all summer and me not knowing exactly where he is. In another year or
so I'd probably be fine with this. But I don't have any confidence at
this point that he'd remember to tell me each time he changes location
or that he would not go into someone else's home or apartment if
invited (even if I had asked him not to, he's only five it's easy to
forget when something looks interesting). He is great at crossing the
street when he's alone but as soon as he is excited (with a group,
following a cat or squirrel) he forgets to look for cars.

I'd love to hear if others have had similar situations and how you
dealt with them.

Warmly,
Susan

Rachel Salavon

I have been dealing with a similar situation for 6 mos. or so now.
My ds will be 6 next week. We have next door neighbors who are in
day care/ ps all day. They come to our house almost every day -
certainly every time they are home. They want our home to be their
home. But it is very hard for me when they are here. They just
don't understand how to behave. I guess they are so used to someone
forcing strict rules on them or punishing them, that they don't
understand the reasons behind the "rules" at home and at school.

I have had to make some peace about having them over because my son
loves with a capital "L" this boy who is 7. The biggest problem we
have had is about excursions into the neighborhood (neighbor kid on
his bike, my ds on his tricycle or scooter). I have twin 2 yo, so
it is difficult to scoop them up and follow. I followed them as
many times as possible until I understood they follow the same
general paths. They have even made up names for them. "Mom, I'm
going to Alabama," means they are riding down to the school
playground. Now that I have given him the freedom to go, he doesn't
feel like he has to sneak or run off. So he tells me every time.
Sometimes he's going next door to play video games. Other times he
is going for a ride on his scooter. I will wait 15 or 20 minutes.
If they are not back yet, I'll load up the girls in their stroller
and go meet him. They are never gone for long.

I think your best bet is to get to know these kids better. Find out
where they live, who their parents are, if you can. Be right there
as much as you can - not in an invasive or obnoxious way. But just
be there. Kids this age still have some innocence and excitement
about ordinary things. In a group, it may be hard to see because of
this sort or herd mentality. Single one or two of them out and talk
to them. Answer their questions. I would also be honest with your
son if you don't want him to go with them. And remind your son
about street safety. We have talked about how our neighbor does
some stupid things in the street. Sometimes he crosses without
looking and cars have to stop for him. I ask my son not to cross
the street unless he has to to get somewhere - I mean not to cross,
then cross again and basically play in the street. I've noticed
that if I show trust in my ds, he is more willing to have some
boundaries. Not something that I impose arbitrarily, but something
we talk about first.

The "outside influence" of other kids has been such a challenge.
When it is just us, things run smoothly like our own little
unpolluted ecosystem. But I can't shelter my kids from the world.
They are far more resilient than that anyway. The truth is, it's
easier and more peaceful for me. So I tend to resist it. They are
learning to socialize. These are the people they will be running
the world with years from now. These are their peers. However, I
would ask them to leave if there is fighting or mean behavior.

Hope this helps,
Rachel (mom to Zane 8, Caleb almost 6, Greta and Carmen 2)



--- In [email protected], "asmb65" <asmb65@...>
wrote:
>
> Hi Everyone,
>
> I have a situation that I'd love comments on. In our neighborhood
there
> is a handful of kids ranging in age from 4-6 who roam around
playing
> with no adult supervision pretty much all day long. These kids are
far
> from polite and have spent a lot of time in daycare or changing
care
> situations.
>

stacyzme

I can't imagine being comfortable with a 2-3 block radius of roaming
area with this age group especially since you don't know the other
parents in the area and aren't impressed with the kids. I think
your gut is telling you something important and it makes sense to
listen.
It is a really hard line to walk when allowing kids freedom to
explore and also keeping safety in mind. I think it is easy to go
too far in either direction. Where we live my son has a hard time
finding kids his age to play with because almost none of them are
allowed out of the yard to play, and since most of the families have
both parents working, when they are home they don't really want to
get to know the neighbors, but instead have scheduled play/sports.
I finally started knocking on doors with play equipment and
introducing myself and my son to other parents hoping that if we
clicked that we could exchange phone numbers and set
up "playdates".

I also know what you mean about being the park, my neighbor across
the street has older children and her yard is always filled.
Overall she likes it that way and so would I, but at the same time
she does mention that between all the snacks, juice and accidentally
broken toys it can get expensive. Plus there is the added
responsibility in always being "on" when it comes to making sure
everything is going smoothly.

It sounds like your yard is a great place to "hang out" and of
course there is nothing wrong with telling the kids that today isn't
a good day or that you guys are busy but they can come back later.

A good way to meet the parents is that if they do come to your house
insist on calling the parents and making sure it is okay for them to
be over. That way you can introduce yourself, ask how long before
little "Ricky" should come home to check in, and get a feeling for
the parents. You never know some of them might feel the same way
you do but just don't know what to do about it either.



--- In [email protected], "asmb65" <asmb65@...>
wrote:
>
> Hi Everyone,
>
> I have a situation that I'd love comments on. In our neighborhood
there
> is a handful of kids ranging in age from 4-6 who roam around
playing
> with no adult supervision pretty much all day long. These kids are
far
> from polite and have spent a lot of time in daycare or changing
care
> situations.
>
> The difficulty for me is that my oldest (Sam, 5) sometimes asks to
> wander around with them. He is socially very easy going and is
happy to
> play with just about anyone, be it a 2 or 8-year-old. I'm not
> comfortable with him being just anywhere within a two or three
block
> area (this seems to be the range of these kids). And since I have
> Quinn, 2, I'm not free to wander around with them.

jen mobley

Have you thought about having a potluck with the parents that you don't
know? That might be a good ice breaker and maybe you'll meet a mom who feels
the same way you do and your kid and her kid could play together at your
home or something


>From: "asmb65" <asmb65@...>
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Social situations
>Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2007 07:44:19 -0000
>
>Hi Everyone,
>
>I have a situation that I'd love comments on. In our neighborhood there
>is a handful of kids ranging in age from 4-6 who roam around playing
>with no adult supervision pretty much all day long. These kids are far
>from polite and have spent a lot of time in daycare or changing care
>situations.
>
>The difficulty for me is that my oldest (Sam, 5) sometimes asks to
>wander around with them. He is socially very easy going and is happy to
>play with just about anyone, be it a 2 or 8-year-old. I'm not
>comfortable with him being just anywhere within a two or three block
>area (this seems to be the range of these kids). And since I have
>Quinn, 2, I'm not free to wander around with them.
>
>My boys and I spend a lot of time playing in our yard, sword fighting,
>reading, making mud pies, playing games, you name it. We also get out
>most days to play with little friends or have friends over. Our yard is
>really attractive to these kids (who live in a nearby apartment
>building with no green space).
>
>I really don't want to end up with this particular group of kids in my
>yard all summer. A woman two doors down has ended up in that situation
>and she often seems to have five or six kids in her yard. She seems to
>be rarely outside with her five-year-old but I can hear her yelling at
>the kids in the yard occasionally or threatening to kick them all out
>of the yard.
>
>I feel kind of stuck. There are the in-between times when I'm getting
>lunch ready or needing to make some phone calls and it's during these
>times that I'm not available to play with Sam that if these kids go by
>he asks to join them. I've always managed to suggest something else for
>us to do that interests him.
>
>This is a new situation now that summer is here and everyone is outside
>all the time. What I really don't want is our yard turning into the
>local park with me supervising a group of difficult kids whose parents
>I have never even met. Or having Sam wandering around the neighborhood
>all summer and me not knowing exactly where he is. In another year or
>so I'd probably be fine with this. But I don't have any confidence at
>this point that he'd remember to tell me each time he changes location
>or that he would not go into someone else's home or apartment if
>invited (even if I had asked him not to, he's only five it's easy to
>forget when something looks interesting). He is great at crossing the
>street when he's alone but as soon as he is excited (with a group,
>following a cat or squirrel) he forgets to look for cars.
>
>I'd love to hear if others have had similar situations and how you
>dealt with them.
>
>Warmly,
>Susan
>
>

_________________________________________________________________
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Meredith

--- In [email protected], "jen mobley"
<jenpmobley@...> wrote:
>
> Have you thought about having a potluck with the parents

Or a block party, for that matter. Something where everyone can
exchange phone numbers "just in case" and touch base a little.

---Meredith

asmb65

> > Have you thought about having a potluck with the parents
>
> Or a block party, for that matter. Something where everyone can
> exchange phone numbers "just in case" and touch base a little.
>

They sound like great ideas but I'm not completely sure where these
kids live. I believe they live in a largish apartment building just
below our dead end street.

One child I have seen at the bus stop with his mother at the end of
our street while my boys and I were waiting for the transit bus. Kind
of a sad situation, the mother also had a baby wailing away in a
stroller. The mother's response to the crying was to keep trying to
shove a pacifier into the baby's mouth and tell the baby to be quiet
despite the fact that baby kept spitting it back out. My boys looked
very concerned and kept glancing up at me. They are used to seeing
babies responded to appropriately.

We do know all of our other immediate neighbors and the eight-year
old boy who lives behind us pretty well lives in our yard. We know
his parents well and there is an easy back and forth between the two
yards and between the two sets of parents. He is (recently)
homeschooled and has a toddler brother who also spends a lot of time
in our yard usually with his parents but sometimes just with us.

Part of me feels I should welcome these other kids in so they can
have a chance to have some kinder adult care than they are getting
but at the same time, kids like this need so much attention and that
would leave next to nothing for my boys who are generally content
playing. Like the high-needs kid who takes up all of the teacher's
attention leaving nothing left for the other kids. But this is one of
the reasons I don't want my kids in school! I want them to get most
of the adult attention they are craving for and have most of their
endless questions answered or at least responded to with a "I don't
know, let's go find out."

Still pondering,
Susan

diana jenner

On 6/29/07, asmb65 <asmb65@...> wrote:
>
> Part of me feels I should welcome these other kids in so they can
> have a chance to have some kinder adult care than they are getting
>
> __
>






*I* was this needy kid. I didn't take a lot of attention though, just wanted
to *be* somewhere kinder and gentler and more attentive than home. I can't
imagine how'd I'd be today if I hadn't had, even for a short time or in
short intervals, the experience of the many many people who gave me what
they could. Give what you can -- joyfully AND set limits for time with Other
People's kids -- joyfully!
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lesa

Diana - I had lots of friends like that in high school and our home was the
community home. There would be times when I would come home late (from
parties or what-not) and I'd have to step over bodies to get to my bedroom.
My dad is such a sweet soul, I know that sometimes it bothered him, but he
has such a love for people and he loved us so much that he let our way-ward
friends spend as much time at our house as they needed to. Heck, even our
boyfriends lived with us.

I can only hope that I will be so open if my DD ever has friends who aren't
as loved.


Lesa M.
Crunchy Unschooling mom to dd10
Currently reading "The Road Less Traveled"

http://livinginfreedomeveryday.blogspot.com/

"I say that with cruelty and oppression, it is everybody's business to
interfere when they see it." - Anna Sewell
-------Original Message-------

From: diana jenner
Date: 07/01/07 10:39:24
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Social situations

On 6/29/07, asmb65 <asmb65@...> wrote:
>
> Part of me feels I should welcome these other kids in so they can
> have a chance to have some kinder adult care than they are getting
>
> __
>

*I* was this needy kid. I didn't take a lot of attention though, just wanted
to *be* somewhere kinder and gentler and more attentive than home. I can't
imagine how'd I'd be today if I hadn't had, even for a short time or in
short intervals, the experience of the many many people who gave me what
they could. Give what you can -- joyfully AND set limits for time with Other
People's kids -- joyfully!
--
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]