grandparent issues again
Vanessa
Hi,
Here I am, finding myself caught in the middle again. DH just called
and wants the kids to go visit his parents, before we leave to spend
some time with mine. His mom's birthday is today, and he wanted to
have the kids go tell her happy birthday.
I know he's hurting, because the kids don't want a relationship with
his parents, but how do I make him understand that they are allowed
to have their own feelings, and that we really need to stand by our
kids?
My kids don't tell him how they feel about his parents, because they
don't want to hurt his feelings, and because he is really good at
making them feel guilty. I don't know how to approach this
situation, and hopefully get him to understand what the kids are
feeling. He never had a relationship with either sets of his
grandparents, so why should he make the kids have one with his
parents?
Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated. You guys have
all helped me and my family in so many different ways, especially
when it comes to seeing that the kids are learning, even if they paly
video games, or watch a movie, etc. My kids are wonderful, sweet,
very loving kids who deserve to be treated good. They just don't get
it from my in-laws.
Here I am, finding myself caught in the middle again. DH just called
and wants the kids to go visit his parents, before we leave to spend
some time with mine. His mom's birthday is today, and he wanted to
have the kids go tell her happy birthday.
I know he's hurting, because the kids don't want a relationship with
his parents, but how do I make him understand that they are allowed
to have their own feelings, and that we really need to stand by our
kids?
My kids don't tell him how they feel about his parents, because they
don't want to hurt his feelings, and because he is really good at
making them feel guilty. I don't know how to approach this
situation, and hopefully get him to understand what the kids are
feeling. He never had a relationship with either sets of his
grandparents, so why should he make the kids have one with his
parents?
Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated. You guys have
all helped me and my family in so many different ways, especially
when it comes to seeing that the kids are learning, even if they paly
video games, or watch a movie, etc. My kids are wonderful, sweet,
very loving kids who deserve to be treated good. They just don't get
it from my in-laws.
Julie Hampton
Just a thought- does it have to be all or nothing. Can they go over for a hello and goodbye? call her? Send a card? Sometimes grandparents think if the kids do nothing then they will do nothing. How can husband get what he wants and the kids get what they want? Have them talk together and discuss how it can happen that both parties feel okay with it. You do not have to "have" a relationship in order to say happy birthday- be polite, make it simple, make it work for everyone.
----- Original Message -----
From: Vanessa<mailto:psychomom95@...>
To: [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]>
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 7:00 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] grandparent issues again
Hi,
Here I am, finding myself caught in the middle again. DH just called
and wants the kids to go visit his parents, before we leave to spend
some time with mine. His mom's birthday is today, and he wanted to
have the kids go tell her happy birthday.
I know he's hurting, because the kids don't want a relationship with
his parents, but how do I make him understand that they are allowed
to have their own feelings, and that we really need to stand by our
kids?
My kids don't tell him how they feel about his parents, because they
don't want to hurt his feelings, and because he is really good at
making them feel guilty. I don't know how to approach this
situation, and hopefully get him to understand what the kids are
feeling. He never had a relationship with either sets of his
grandparents, so why should he make the kids have one with his
parents?
Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated. You guys have
all helped me and my family in so many different ways, especially
when it comes to seeing that the kids are learning, even if they paly
video games, or watch a movie, etc. My kids are wonderful, sweet,
very loving kids who deserve to be treated good. They just don't get
it from my in-laws.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schafer Vanessa
Julie,
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, I've always told
them that their dad can take them over for a visit
anytime they want to go. I did ask if they wanted to
call and tell their grandma happy birthday, and they
both said no.
My kids have reached out to this set of grandparents,
wanting to spend time with them, yet it never happens.
It hurts them to keep trying, and getting no where.
That's where my son said he has given them plenty of
chances and they blew it. I won't force them to go
over, but they are free to call them, write to them,
or whatever, when they feel like it.
They live right here in town, and they never call here
to just say hi, or anything like that. My parents
will call long distance and talk to the kids all the
time. It's just a difference in grandparents I guess.
My parents are more hands on with the kids, and dh's
aren't, and barely want anything to do with them.
It's a shame on them, because I have two really great
kids, and they are really missing out on all of the
neat things that they do.
I'm just leaving it up to the kids, and what they feel
they would like to do. I think they need some time to
heal from all of the stuff that happened between them
and my il's. Once they heal, then if they want to let
their grandparents in, it will be up to them.
Thanks!!
--- Julie Hampton <wisdom1133@...> wrote:
____________________________________________________________________________________
Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha! Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Yahoo! Games.
http://get.games.yahoo.com/proddesc?gamekey=monopolyherenow
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, I've always told
them that their dad can take them over for a visit
anytime they want to go. I did ask if they wanted to
call and tell their grandma happy birthday, and they
both said no.
My kids have reached out to this set of grandparents,
wanting to spend time with them, yet it never happens.
It hurts them to keep trying, and getting no where.
That's where my son said he has given them plenty of
chances and they blew it. I won't force them to go
over, but they are free to call them, write to them,
or whatever, when they feel like it.
They live right here in town, and they never call here
to just say hi, or anything like that. My parents
will call long distance and talk to the kids all the
time. It's just a difference in grandparents I guess.
My parents are more hands on with the kids, and dh's
aren't, and barely want anything to do with them.
It's a shame on them, because I have two really great
kids, and they are really missing out on all of the
neat things that they do.
I'm just leaving it up to the kids, and what they feel
they would like to do. I think they need some time to
heal from all of the stuff that happened between them
and my il's. Once they heal, then if they want to let
their grandparents in, it will be up to them.
Thanks!!
--- Julie Hampton <wisdom1133@...> wrote:
> Just a thought- does it have to be all or nothing.[email protected]<mailto:[email protected]>
> Can they go over for a hello and goodbye? call her?
> Send a card? Sometimes grandparents think if the
> kids do nothing then they will do nothing. How can
> husband get what he wants and the kids get what they
> want? Have them talk together and discuss how it can
> happen that both parties feel okay with it. You do
> not have to "have" a relationship in order to say
> happy birthday- be polite, make it simple, make it
> work for everyone.
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Vanessa<mailto:psychomom95@...>
> To:
>
>Vanessa
> Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 7:00 AM
> Subject: [unschoolingbasics] grandparent issues
> again
>
>
> Hi,
>
> Here I am, finding myself caught in the middle
> again. DH just called
> and wants the kids to go visit his parents, before
> we leave to spend
> some time with mine. His mom's birthday is today,
> and he wanted to
> have the kids go tell her happy birthday.
>
> I know he's hurting, because the kids don't want a
> relationship with
> his parents, but how do I make him understand that
> they are allowed
> to have their own feelings, and that we really
> need to stand by our
> kids?
>
> My kids don't tell him how they feel about his
> parents, because they
> don't want to hurt his feelings, and because he is
> really good at
> making them feel guilty. I don't know how to
> approach this
> situation, and hopefully get him to understand
> what the kids are
> feeling. He never had a relationship with either
> sets of his
> grandparents, so why should he make the kids have
> one with his
> parents?
>
> Any help on this subject would be greatly
> appreciated. You guys have
> all helped me and my family in so many different
> ways, especially
> when it comes to seeing that the kids are
> learning, even if they paly
> video games, or watch a movie, etc. My kids are
> wonderful, sweet,
> very loving kids who deserve to be treated good.
> They just don't get
> it from my in-laws.
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>
____________________________________________________________________________________
Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha! Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Yahoo! Games.
http://get.games.yahoo.com/proddesc?gamekey=monopolyherenow
Melissa
How about you buy a card, they sign it and dad can drop it off? If I told my kids that it
would mean a lot to dad, they would do it for him, regardless of how they feel about
grandparents. Just an idea of compromise...
As for 'making' him understand, I don't think you can, any more than you could make your
children understand why grandma and grandpa are such old farts. If they get a guilt trip
whenever they tell him their feelings, then *I* would be the one telling him. I would say
"DD doesn't want to talk to Grandma because last time grandma said x, y, and z, and that
was inappropriate. Grandparents should not treat kids like that."
Easier said than done, we only have one set of grandparents, who are relatively uninvolved
with the kids. They call and complain to me about our parenting choices, but when they
see the kids they are well-behaved. Although I've been getting on to my dad about his
attitude lately. Talk about the sandwich generation!
Good luck
Melissa
would mean a lot to dad, they would do it for him, regardless of how they feel about
grandparents. Just an idea of compromise...
As for 'making' him understand, I don't think you can, any more than you could make your
children understand why grandma and grandpa are such old farts. If they get a guilt trip
whenever they tell him their feelings, then *I* would be the one telling him. I would say
"DD doesn't want to talk to Grandma because last time grandma said x, y, and z, and that
was inappropriate. Grandparents should not treat kids like that."
Easier said than done, we only have one set of grandparents, who are relatively uninvolved
with the kids. They call and complain to me about our parenting choices, but when they
see the kids they are well-behaved. Although I've been getting on to my dad about his
attitude lately. Talk about the sandwich generation!
Good luck
Melissa
--- In [email protected], "Vanessa" <psychomom95@...> wrote:
>
> Hi,
>
> Here I am, finding myself caught in the middle again. DH just called
> and wants the kids to go visit his parents, before we leave to spend
> some time with mine. His mom's birthday is today, and he wanted to
> have the kids go tell her happy birthday.
>
> I know he's hurting, because the kids don't want a relationship with
> his parents, but how do I make him understand that they are allowed
> to have their own feelings, and that we really need to stand by our
> kids?
>
> My kids don't tell him how they feel about his parents, because they
> don't want to hurt his feelings, and because he is really good at
> making them feel guilty. I don't know how to approach this
> situation, and hopefully get him to understand what the kids are
> feeling. He never had a relationship with either sets of his
> grandparents, so why should he make the kids have one with his
> parents?
>
> Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated. You guys have
> all helped me and my family in so many different ways, especially
> when it comes to seeing that the kids are learning, even if they paly
> video games, or watch a movie, etc. My kids are wonderful, sweet,
> very loving kids who deserve to be treated good. They just don't get
> it from my in-laws.
>
Nance Confer
Dad can read this and deal with it. Grandparents can read it and deal
with it. This is not the kids' problem.
Nance
On Fri, 2007-06-15 at 03:10 +0000, [email protected]
wrote:
with it. This is not the kids' problem.
Nance
On Fri, 2007-06-15 at 03:10 +0000, [email protected]
wrote:
> they
> both said no.
Schafer Vanessa
Thank you Nance. I was hoping there was someone to
back me up on this issue.
--- Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
____________________________________________________________________________________
Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7
back me up on this issue.
--- Nance Confer <marbleface@...> wrote:
> Dad can read this and deal with it. Grandparents canVanessa
> read it and deal
> with it. This is not the kids' problem.
>
> Nance
>
> On Fri, 2007-06-15 at 03:10 +0000,
> [email protected]
> wrote:
> > they
> > both said no.
>
>
____________________________________________________________________________________
Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today! http://surveylink.yahoo.com/gmrs/yahoo_panel_invite.asp?a=7