trewhittjoy

Hi. I would like a little advice on an issue. I live next door to
my in-laws (which includes two adult children still living at
home). They mean well, but they all are constantly at my house to
see my two children. I don't want to see them that often, and now
that my daughter is three, it is getting harder to avoid them. If
there is a knock at the door, we always have to answer it now. How
do I avoid this? Please consider this, they all have different
schedules, and they can start coming from eight in the morning until
eight or later at night. We plan on moving eventually, but that
depends on a job my husband is waiting for a position to open. My
kids love seeing them all the time, but I don't want to! If the
overwhelming opinion is to just "suck it up" and forget my yearning
for a smidgen of privacy, then I would have to ask you for advice on
handling very pushy in-laws. Because, not only are they ever
present, but they also do not respect my decisions and they
manipulate my children to do what they want them to do. For
example, we have been outside for several hours and it is getting
dark and I say we need to go inside now. The grandfather might
say, "oh let her stay out longer". I then say, "no, we really need
to do "x". He keeps on and at this point my child is running in the
opposite direction. My F-I-L is well known for doing very dangerous
things. He has held my baby next to popping grease and would not
give her back to me (I was hormonal and I swear I could've killed
him!) He had her riding on a plow once even after I said "no". He
is even a bad role model at times--he was riding on a tractor
spraying the fruit trees and had a PLASTIC BAG OVER HIS HEAD!!
These are just a few -- I could go on and on! They also will ask my
child to "ask me" things they know that I won't allow. I feel like
they should take these issues up with me and not use my child to
make me look like the bad guy. I am talking about things that I
won't budge on, not about stuff like, "can she have a cookie".
Please let me know what you think I should do.
Sincerely,
Joy

c. blanton

Hi Joy.

When I read the last part of your message, I became frightened. No wonder you are concerned about you father-in-law. This goes far beyond being pushy or disagreeing, his behavior is irrational and dangerous!
What does your husband say to his behavior, especially when he is driving with a bag over his head? Is he trying to stop and reason with his Father?
If not, you have to make clear to him, that this is affecting the safety of your children, not just a convenience or a nuisance. In this case I would set clear boundaries with your husband first. For a few days, until you have had a chance to agree in detail with your husband how to deal with this dangerous behavior, stay clear of them.
Then enforce them strictly.
The second part of the issue you have raised, there is a blatant disrespect toward your authority as a mother - just because you are unschooling does not mean you are not in charge of your life and your household. This part will take more time to really help you with each issue. But for now, focus on the first part of the problem, keeping your kids safe.
I also offer you my services - email me, privately, if you wish, so we can work on whatever part of this issue you want to, together. As a homeschool coach, I will not charge anyone on this list for my services, so feel free to contact me at cjblanton123@....

Hope this helps.

Rev. Claudia H. Blanton
Homeschool Coach/Life Coach/EFT-practitioner

trewhittjoy <trewhittjoy@...> wrote:
Hi. I would like a little advice on an issue. I live next door to
my in-laws (which includes two adult children still living at
home). They mean well, but they all are constantly at my house to
see my two children. I don't want to see them that often, and now
that my daughter is three, it is getting harder to avoid them. If
there is a knock at the door, we always have to answer it now. How
do I avoid this? Please consider this, they all have different
schedules, and they can start coming from eight in the morning until
eight or later at night. We plan on moving eventually, but that
depends on a job my husband is waiting for a position to open. My
kids love seeing them all the time, but I don't want to! If the
overwhelming opinion is to just "suck it up" and forget my yearning
for a smidgen of privacy, then I would have to ask you for advice on
handling very pushy in-laws. Because, not only are they ever
present, but they also do not respect my decisions and they
manipulate my children to do what they want them to do. For
example, we have been outside for several hours and it is getting
dark and I say we need to go inside now. The grandfather might
say, "oh let her stay out longer". I then say, "no, we really need
to do "x". He keeps on and at this point my child is running in the
opposite direction. My F-I-L is well known for doing very dangerous
things. He has held my baby next to popping grease and would not
give her back to me (I was hormonal and I swear I could've killed
him!) He had her riding on a plow once even after I said "no". He
is even a bad role model at times--he was riding on a tractor
spraying the fruit trees and had a PLASTIC BAG OVER HIS HEAD!!
These are just a few -- I could go on and on! They also will ask my
child to "ask me" things they know that I won't allow. I feel like
they should take these issues up with me and not use my child to
make me look like the bad guy. I am talking about things that I
won't budge on, not about stuff like, "can she have a cookie".
Please let me know what you think I should do.
Sincerely,
Joy






---------------------------------
Choose the right car based on your needs. Check out Yahoo! Autos new Car Finder tool.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Cameron Parham

I doubt that you will get far on this issue unless your dh supports you or at least will not interfere and when you do as you must.
Ideas:
*a statement of your need for increased privacy without defensiveness but without apology
* a schedule of visiting hours
*a requirement that they call ahead
* an honest discussion of how it hurts kids to be put in the middle of these conflicts
*an ultimatum that if your needs for increased privacy and cooperation aren't met then they will see the kids less
Really I'll bet that you already thought of these ideas and others, so I guess there is some reason you doubt these will work, such as not feeling supported by your dh, or not liking to cause 'problems', etc. In-laws are so sticky!! Whew! Cameron



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: trewhittjoy <trewhittjoy@...>


Hi. I would like a little advice on an issue. I live next door to
my in-laws (which includes two adult children still living at
home). They mean well, but they all are constantly at my house to
see my two children.

-=-=-=-

How about inviting them for supper and telling them you have something
very important to discuss with them all.

Tell them that you love them very much but that you're feeling that
they aren't treating you as the *parent* of your own children. You feel
that you need to have the *right* to be your children's parent (so to
please back off)---and that, since you are *homeschooling*, you need at
a minimum 8:00-3:00 for "school."

Tell them (almost) what you told us and exactly what you need and
expect.

Let them know that you will revisit the topic weekly (maybe even plan a
Sunday dinner each week for all of you ---or Tuesday steak night or
Wednesday homemade pizza night) to let them know how it's working for
you. You can take that time each week to show them what the children
have done "school-wise." That way they will know they get one night
each week that *you* devote to them, specifically. They get to see and
play with the kids and find out what they're interested in. Maybe the
kids would like to put on a short play r puppet show or something for
the grands or something.

The following week do it all over again; but if they don't follow your
guidelines, you could get a little more emphatic. If they aren't
playing along, you can eventually tell them that you WILL refuse to let
them see their grandchildren if they won't play nice. But then you HAVE
to do it---at least for quite a while.

-=-=-=-=-=

For example, we have been outside for several hours and it is getting
dark and I say we need to go inside now. The grandfather might
say, "oh let her stay out longer". I then say, "no, we really need
to do "x". He keeps on and at this point my child is running in the
opposite direction.

-=-=-=-

When it *is* time to go in now, simply scoop up your child, start
walking towards the house, and say, "See you tomorrow!"

How you word things IS important---don't give him an "in" to play his
games.

-=-=-=-=--

They also will ask my child to "ask me" things they know that I won't
allow.

-=-=-

Like what?


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org
________________________________________________________________________
AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free
from AOL at AOL.com.

trewhittjoy

<<When I read the last part of your message, I became frightened. No
wonder you are concerned about you father-in-law. This goes far
beyond being pushy or disagreeing, his behavior is irrational and
dangerous!>>

Yes, it is. I am not exaggerating in any way. He is well-known for
his foolish behavior. People around here just laugh it off.
Luckily, nobody has been hurt seriously...yet. It really ticks me
off.

<< What does your husband say to his behavior, especially when he
is driving with a bag over his head? Is he trying to stop and reason
with his Father?>>

Everyone mostly laughs about it. You CANNOT reason with him (FIL).
He just doesn't "Get It".

<< If not, you have to make clear to him, that this is affecting
the safety of your children, not just a convenience or a nuisance.>>

My husband agrees and is concerned about their safety. We have a
strictly enforced rule that our kids are never left alone with any
of them.

<< The second part of the issue you have raised, there is a
blatant disrespect toward your authority as a mother - just because
you are unschooling does not mean you are not in charge of your life
and your household. >>

You have nailed it on the head. They have no respect for me or
anyone else for that matter. You can't deal with people like that.
My biggest issue was this; how do I protect my children without
letting my children know how inept their grandparents behavior is?
Furthermore, do I even need to hide this fact from them? I feel
torn, I am appalled by my in-laws behavior and comments, but I am
afraid to CONSTANTLY have to degrade their behavior in front of my
children. I hope this makes sense.

I have found the best thing thus far is to make frequent day trips
away from home...I can't even enjoy living in my own
home/yard...sad...

Thanks for your help,
Joy

dare2dream3195

> I feel like
> they should take these issues up with me and not use my child to
> make me look like the bad guy. I am talking about things that I
> won't budge on, not about stuff like, "can she have a cookie".
> Sincerely,
> Joy


When my daughter was very little my sister tried to be the parent and
take the place of me. Any time we were around her she would do
things to contradict me and frustrate my parenting. I repeatedly
told her about it and she saw nothing wrong with what she was doing.
Finally I sat my daughter down and explained that she was to obey me
1st. So if she got contradictory answers mine overuled. Of course,
being a child, my daughter went for the one that seemed the most fun,
my sister's answer. I looked at my sister and let her know that this
punishmet was on her. My daughter got the message that I'm the mom
and NOT my sister. Unfortunately it had to be the hard way. Maybe
you would do better to start with your kids. Be sure that they
realize who is in charge and that, although the grandparents are
important people, they are not the parents.

Amy

Meredith

--- In [email protected], "dare2dream3195"
<dare2dream3195@...> wrote:
>Maybe
> you would do better to start with your kids. Be sure that they
> realize who is in charge and that, although the grandparents are
> important people, they are not the parents.

This is an enormous burden to place on a child.

Kids deserve a loving environment in which the adults are willing to
focus on helping the kids to shine. If other adults are not willing
to help, if they are, instead, putting their own interests and needs
before those of the kids, then those adults don't need to be around
children.

Sometimes other adults want to help, but have conflicting
expectations wrt kids. That happens alot with unschooling bc our
expectations are really different from "the norm". I've been going
through this to a small extent with a guest of our close friends and
neighbors. He enjoys hanging out with children and has alot of
skills for dealing with conventional "gently disciplined" children,
but those don't really carry over to dealing with radically
unschooling kids. So we've been having some conversations
specifically about my kids and their needs and how to better
communicate with them. Its taking a certain amount of trial-and-
error all around.

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)

Meredith

--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
>> Tell them that you love them very much but that you're feeling
that
> they aren't treating you as the *parent* of your own children. You
feel
> that you need to have the *right* to be your children's parent (so
to
> please back off)---and that, since you are *homeschooling*, you
need at
> a minimum 8:00-3:00 for "school."

I want to second Kelly's whole post, and in particular the idea that
you can and should set some really clear boundaries wrt how much
time these folks "get" to spend with the kids. It might be helpful
to approach the discussion from the perspective of "consistency".
Kids do better in a consistent environment - which doesn't mean the
same thing as having rules and being dogmatic about them (the usual
interpretation). Kids (people in general) do better when the
expectations placed on them are consistent.

The expectations in an unschooling family are a bit different from a
rule-based family, so its important that the kids can be fully
imersed in unschooling for a big chunk of time, every day. They need
that.

---Meredith (Mo 5.5, Ray 13)

Anne Jacobsen

Hello Joy,
I live in a community of friends who are in and out of
each others' houses all day...which means that they
are are in mine a lot. Although I do not have the
problems that you have, I realized that I had to
preserve some of our "family" and private time. So in
the end I found that putting up a laminated sign that
says, "Family Homeschool Time, Please come back later"
really worked. My friends and my childrens' friends
respect the sign. Not sure if it would work in your
situation but I suppose it couldn't hurt to try. I
also have another sign called, "Family Time" for when
we need space (meals, reading, playing games, etc.).
You might just want to have a "Homeschool Time" sign
since your in-laws would consider themselves part of
your family. Even if you are unschooling, not
schooling at home, it can be nice to preserve your
boundaries!
Hope that helps.
Anne
--- trewhittjoy <trewhittjoy@...> wrote:

> Hi. I would like a little advice on an issue. I
> live next door to
> my in-laws (which includes two adult children still
> living at
> home). They mean well, but they all are constantly
> at my house to
> see my two children. I don't want to see them that
> often, and now
> that my daughter is three, it is getting harder to
> avoid them. If
> there is a knock at the door, we always have to
> answer it now. How
> do I avoid this? Please consider this, they all
> have different
> schedules, and they can start coming from eight in
> the morning until
> eight or later at night. We plan on moving
> eventually, but that
> depends on a job my husband is waiting for a
> position to open. My
> kids love seeing them all the time, but I don't want
> to! If the
> overwhelming opinion is to just "suck it up" and
> forget my yearning
> for a smidgen of privacy, then I would have to ask
> you for advice on
> handling very pushy in-laws. Because, not only are
> they ever
> present, but they also do not respect my decisions
> and they
> manipulate my children to do what they want them to
> do. For
> example, we have been outside for several hours and
> it is getting
> dark and I say we need to go inside now. The
> grandfather might
> say, "oh let her stay out longer". I then say, "no,
> we really need
> to do "x". He keeps on and at this point my child
> is running in the
> opposite direction. My F-I-L is well known for
> doing very dangerous
> things. He has held my baby next to popping grease
> and would not
> give her back to me (I was hormonal and I swear I
> could've killed
> him!) He had her riding on a plow once even after I
> said "no". He
> is even a bad role model at times--he was riding on
> a tractor
> spraying the fruit trees and had a PLASTIC BAG OVER
> HIS HEAD!!
> These are just a few -- I could go on and on! They
> also will ask my
> child to "ask me" things they know that I won't
> allow. I feel like
> they should take these issues up with me and not use
> my child to
> make me look like the bad guy. I am talking about
> things that I
> won't budge on, not about stuff like, "can she have
> a cookie".
> Please let me know what you think I should do.
> Sincerely,
> Joy
>
>




____________________________________________________________________________________
Pinpoint customers who are looking for what you sell.
http://searchmarketing.yahoo.com/

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: dare2dream3195 <dare2dream3195@...>


Finally I sat my daughter down and explained that she was to obey me
1st. So if she got contradictory answers mine overuled. Of course,
being a child, my daughter went for the one that seemed the most fun,
my sister's answer. I looked at my sister and let her know that this
punishmet was on her. My daughter got the message that I'm the mom
and NOT my sister. Unfortunately it had to be the hard way. Maybe
you would do better to start with your kids. Be sure that they
realize who is in charge and that, although the grandparents are
important people, they are not the parents.

-=-=-

I've been off the computer for a week, but I wanted to address this and
not leave it as is.

Obey? Punishment? "The hard way"?? Who's in charge?

None of this is mindful or respectful.

Exactly what do you think you daughter learned? I know what you were
trying to *teach*---but what do you think she actually *learned*?

Better to "sit the sister/grandparents down" and lay down the law with
*them*.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

________________________________________________________________________
AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free
from AOL at AOL.com.

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Meredith <meredith@...>

I've been going
through this to a small extent with a guest of our close friends and
neighbors. He enjoys hanging out with children and has alot of
skills for dealing with conventional "gently disciplined" children,
but those don't really carry over to dealing with radically
unschooling kids. So we've been having some conversations
specifically about my kids and their needs and how to better
communicate with them. Its taking a certain amount of trial-and-
error all around.

-=-=-=

I have a friend too, who is very good at dealing with schooled kids.
He's a magician and handles large groups of schooled kids really,
really well. That's his bread and butter.

I asked him to help with the first conference (Emcee the talent show
and do some other magic stuff). It was a disaster---he had NO control,
and he didn't know what do with with no control! <G> If it weren't so
painful for me to watch, it would have been funny.

Those of you who came to the first conference surely remember (or maybe
it wasn't as painfully obvious to everyone else---I don't know). But it
struck me HARD!

He's so much better around my kids---after years and years of watching
us with them, but I still don't think he could handle as many kids as
we have now at the conferences! <G>



~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://www.LiveandLearnConference.org

________________________________________________________________________
AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free
from AOL at AOL.com.