On choice and freedom
Deb Lewis
We see the assumption made over and over - that kids will choose what
is not
good for them and, therefore, a parent's job is to set limits to make
sure they do what is good for them. Well, yes, just like adults, kids
WILL sometimes choose what is not good for them. Do WE always do what
we know is good for us?
Why shouldn't parents control their children's lives, making sure
they only do what the parents think is "good for them?"
It is because the "choosing" is really important in the child's
psychological development, both individually, to move toward self-
actualization in his/her own life, and socially, to function as a
valuable member of a democratic society. And if a person can't make
"real" choices, then his/her so-called freedom is not real. It is a
delusion to believe you are free, if your choices are limited to
those that someone else has determined are healthy for you.
We see too many people, these days, willing to give up their own
freedoms, in exchange for protection or security or even just for
convenience. A society composed of compliant people is orderly, and,
for some, reassuring and comforting - this is the allure of a
dictator! Independence and liberty are messy and risky. This is as
true within a family as it is for society as a whole.
Many parenting books talk about offering children limited choices,
such as asking: "Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?"
The point of these "choices" is not to give real choice, but to fake
the kid out - to give the child the illusion of having a choice. This
is done for the convenience of the parent whose motivation is to get
the child dressed quickly, usually in order to more efficiently get
out the door to school or daycare. But this kind of control over
children's lives, carried on throughout childhood at home and at
school, often leads to dangerous levels of passivity and apathy,
unengaged teenagers who don't think for themselves and are too easily
led by others, or to passive resistance or even active rebellion,
which we see in teenagers who flaunt their rejection of all authority
and engage in dangerous antisocial behaviors. Unschoolers are
striving for something different - our goal is raising truly free
children who will grow up to insist on thinking for themselves and
will never be easily controlled by others. Unschoolers around the
world are demonstrating that parents and kids, together, can, in
fact, set up a home environment that supports true freedom and
provides MANY options - real choices, not "fake" ones.
Unschooling parents do not abdicate parental responsibility, they do
not deprive their children of their protection and care, but they do
go far beyond most parents, now or historically, in choosing support
of freedom over parental control and convenience, as they offer real
choices in an environment that does not focus on limiting a child's
options, but provides nearly boundless opportunity. A friend of mine
once said that unschooling can feel a lot like jumping off a cliff,
not knowing if you have wings to fly. And I think it can look just
about that foolish, from outside, too! But there are unschooled kids
soaring all over the place, these days, and all we have to do is look
at them, look at their energy and love of life and learning, watch as
they pursue their dreams with confidence and gusto, to know that John
Holt was right when he said, "Children do not need to be made to
learn to be better, told what to do or shown how. If they are given
access to enough of the world, they will see clearly enough what
things are truly important to themselves and to others, and they will
make for themselves a better path into that world than anyone else
could make for them."*
*John Holt in "How Children Fail"
is not
good for them and, therefore, a parent's job is to set limits to make
sure they do what is good for them. Well, yes, just like adults, kids
WILL sometimes choose what is not good for them. Do WE always do what
we know is good for us?
Why shouldn't parents control their children's lives, making sure
they only do what the parents think is "good for them?"
It is because the "choosing" is really important in the child's
psychological development, both individually, to move toward self-
actualization in his/her own life, and socially, to function as a
valuable member of a democratic society. And if a person can't make
"real" choices, then his/her so-called freedom is not real. It is a
delusion to believe you are free, if your choices are limited to
those that someone else has determined are healthy for you.
We see too many people, these days, willing to give up their own
freedoms, in exchange for protection or security or even just for
convenience. A society composed of compliant people is orderly, and,
for some, reassuring and comforting - this is the allure of a
dictator! Independence and liberty are messy and risky. This is as
true within a family as it is for society as a whole.
Many parenting books talk about offering children limited choices,
such as asking: "Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?"
The point of these "choices" is not to give real choice, but to fake
the kid out - to give the child the illusion of having a choice. This
is done for the convenience of the parent whose motivation is to get
the child dressed quickly, usually in order to more efficiently get
out the door to school or daycare. But this kind of control over
children's lives, carried on throughout childhood at home and at
school, often leads to dangerous levels of passivity and apathy,
unengaged teenagers who don't think for themselves and are too easily
led by others, or to passive resistance or even active rebellion,
which we see in teenagers who flaunt their rejection of all authority
and engage in dangerous antisocial behaviors. Unschoolers are
striving for something different - our goal is raising truly free
children who will grow up to insist on thinking for themselves and
will never be easily controlled by others. Unschoolers around the
world are demonstrating that parents and kids, together, can, in
fact, set up a home environment that supports true freedom and
provides MANY options - real choices, not "fake" ones.
Unschooling parents do not abdicate parental responsibility, they do
not deprive their children of their protection and care, but they do
go far beyond most parents, now or historically, in choosing support
of freedom over parental control and convenience, as they offer real
choices in an environment that does not focus on limiting a child's
options, but provides nearly boundless opportunity. A friend of mine
once said that unschooling can feel a lot like jumping off a cliff,
not knowing if you have wings to fly. And I think it can look just
about that foolish, from outside, too! But there are unschooled kids
soaring all over the place, these days, and all we have to do is look
at them, look at their energy and love of life and learning, watch as
they pursue their dreams with confidence and gusto, to know that John
Holt was right when he said, "Children do not need to be made to
learn to be better, told what to do or shown how. If they are given
access to enough of the world, they will see clearly enough what
things are truly important to themselves and to others, and they will
make for themselves a better path into that world than anyone else
could make for them."*
*John Holt in "How Children Fail"
Cameron Parham
Deb I am certainly mystified that you could write something I agree with so whole heartedly and misunderstand me so completely! Cameron
----- Original Message ----
From: Deb Lewis <d.lewis@...>
To: unschoolingbasics <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2007 9:03:11 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] On choice and freedom
We see the assumption made over and over - that kids will choose what
is not
good for them and, therefore, a parent's job is to set limits to make
sure they do what is good for them. Well, yes, just like adults, kids
WILL sometimes choose what is not good for them. Do WE always do what
we know is good for us?
Why shouldn't parents control their children's lives, making sure
they only do what the parents think is "good for them?"
It is because the "choosing" is really important in the child's
psychological development, both individually, to move toward self-
actualization in his/her own life, and socially, to function as a
valuable member of a democratic society. And if a person can't make
"real" choices, then his/her so-called freedom is not real. It is a
delusion to believe you are free, if your choices are limited to
those that someone else has determined are healthy for you.
We see too many people, these days, willing to give up their own
freedoms, in exchange for protection or security or even just for
convenience. A society composed of compliant people is orderly, and,
for some, reassuring and comforting - this is the allure of a
dictator! Independence and liberty are messy and risky. This is as
true within a family as it is for society as a whole.
Many parenting books talk about offering children limited choices,
such as asking: "Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?"
The point of these "choices" is not to give real choice, but to fake
the kid out - to give the child the illusion of having a choice. This
is done for the convenience of the parent whose motivation is to get
the child dressed quickly, usually in order to more efficiently get
out the door to school or daycare. But this kind of control over
children's lives, carried on throughout childhood at home and at
school, often leads to dangerous levels of passivity and apathy,
unengaged teenagers who don't think for themselves and are too easily
led by others, or to passive resistance or even active rebellion,
which we see in teenagers who flaunt their rejection of all authority
and engage in dangerous antisocial behaviors. Unschoolers are
striving for something different - our goal is raising truly free
children who will grow up to insist on thinking for themselves and
will never be easily controlled by others. Unschoolers around the
world are demonstrating that parents and kids, together, can, in
fact, set up a home environment that supports true freedom and
provides MANY options - real choices, not "fake" ones.
Unschooling parents do not abdicate parental responsibility, they do
not deprive their children of their protection and care, but they do
go far beyond most parents, now or historically, in choosing support
of freedom over parental control and convenience, as they offer real
choices in an environment that does not focus on limiting a child's
options, but provides nearly boundless opportunity. A friend of mine
once said that unschooling can feel a lot like jumping off a cliff,
not knowing if you have wings to fly. And I think it can look just
about that foolish, from outside, too! But there are unschooled kids
soaring all over the place, these days, and all we have to do is look
at them, look at their energy and love of life and learning, watch as
they pursue their dreams with confidence and gusto, to know that John
Holt was right when he said, "Children do not need to be made to
learn to be better, told what to do or shown how. If they are given
access to enough of the world, they will see clearly enough what
things are truly important to themselves and to others, and they will
make for themselves a better path into that world than anyone else
could make for them."*
*John Holt in "How Children Fail"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
----- Original Message ----
From: Deb Lewis <d.lewis@...>
To: unschoolingbasics <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2007 9:03:11 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] On choice and freedom
We see the assumption made over and over - that kids will choose what
is not
good for them and, therefore, a parent's job is to set limits to make
sure they do what is good for them. Well, yes, just like adults, kids
WILL sometimes choose what is not good for them. Do WE always do what
we know is good for us?
Why shouldn't parents control their children's lives, making sure
they only do what the parents think is "good for them?"
It is because the "choosing" is really important in the child's
psychological development, both individually, to move toward self-
actualization in his/her own life, and socially, to function as a
valuable member of a democratic society. And if a person can't make
"real" choices, then his/her so-called freedom is not real. It is a
delusion to believe you are free, if your choices are limited to
those that someone else has determined are healthy for you.
We see too many people, these days, willing to give up their own
freedoms, in exchange for protection or security or even just for
convenience. A society composed of compliant people is orderly, and,
for some, reassuring and comforting - this is the allure of a
dictator! Independence and liberty are messy and risky. This is as
true within a family as it is for society as a whole.
Many parenting books talk about offering children limited choices,
such as asking: "Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?"
The point of these "choices" is not to give real choice, but to fake
the kid out - to give the child the illusion of having a choice. This
is done for the convenience of the parent whose motivation is to get
the child dressed quickly, usually in order to more efficiently get
out the door to school or daycare. But this kind of control over
children's lives, carried on throughout childhood at home and at
school, often leads to dangerous levels of passivity and apathy,
unengaged teenagers who don't think for themselves and are too easily
led by others, or to passive resistance or even active rebellion,
which we see in teenagers who flaunt their rejection of all authority
and engage in dangerous antisocial behaviors. Unschoolers are
striving for something different - our goal is raising truly free
children who will grow up to insist on thinking for themselves and
will never be easily controlled by others. Unschoolers around the
world are demonstrating that parents and kids, together, can, in
fact, set up a home environment that supports true freedom and
provides MANY options - real choices, not "fake" ones.
Unschooling parents do not abdicate parental responsibility, they do
not deprive their children of their protection and care, but they do
go far beyond most parents, now or historically, in choosing support
of freedom over parental control and convenience, as they offer real
choices in an environment that does not focus on limiting a child's
options, but provides nearly boundless opportunity. A friend of mine
once said that unschooling can feel a lot like jumping off a cliff,
not knowing if you have wings to fly. And I think it can look just
about that foolish, from outside, too! But there are unschooled kids
soaring all over the place, these days, and all we have to do is look
at them, look at their energy and love of life and learning, watch as
they pursue their dreams with confidence and gusto, to know that John
Holt was right when he said, "Children do not need to be made to
learn to be better, told what to do or shown how. If they are given
access to enough of the world, they will see clearly enough what
things are truly important to themselves and to others, and they will
make for themselves a better path into that world than anyone else
could make for them."*
*John Holt in "How Children Fail"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]