Leslie Kowalski

Hi again,

Okay, so here's my 2nd problem for group discussion. (Katharine is
probably laughing her head off that I am posting this problem to yet
another group!)

We have a wonderful cat - she is tolerant, friendly, and playful.
Paige (who is 4) adores her (as we all do) and shows her this love by
picking her up constantly, laying on top of her, carrying her around
(sometime slinging her over her shoulders), holding her even if the
cat is struggling, and a variety of other things that are both
irritating to the cat, and very difficult for me to watch.

Because the cat is sooooo tolerant, she mostly sits there with either
a blank expression on her face, or one that looks like she's thinking
"help me please". She will sometimes back away from Paige, but it's
very slow and rarely quickly enough to run away. She even comes up
to Paige several times a day, looking for Paige to pet her, which
shows that she still likes her. A good thing is that she rarely
bites or scratches (or if she does it's very gentle biting or
scratching). But, when she does finally decide to bite, Paige is
totally incensed.

I have a varied response to this (which I'm sure is part of the
problem!). Sometimes I think that the cat can take care of herself
and I let it go. But, then I'll see Paige so something like go into
my bedroom, close the door and I walk in to find her laying on top of
the cat. Or, I'll see Paige run out of the room with the cat slung
over her shoulders. At those times I see it as an animal welfare
issue and I intervene. Mostly I try to help Paige to recognize
Monty's signals (squirming, meowing, etc), or encourage her to play
in ways that the cat really likes. But, overall, the whole thing has
become a difficult issue between Paige and I. She gets really mad at
me for intervening, or feels really sad when I do.

I know that this is normal behavior for a 4 year old. I also know
that some of it is that she is looking for my attention, so I have
been trying to focus on having more time alone with Paige and doing
things she really enjoys - working toward repairing whatever might be
missing in our relationship.

So, overall I think that letting her and the cat work it out, and
looking for ways to help Paige feel less desirous to use the cat to
get my attention is what I want to do. It's when I see it as animal
mistreatment that I have a problem - that's the part I really get
stuck on. I don't want to see Monty being mistreated, and I don't
want either Paige or Tess to think that I think it's okay to do
that. So, overall I don't know how to present a balanced approach to
this problem.

Again, probably not one of the more difficult problems in the world,
but another good example of struggles that stymie me!

Thanks for any suggestions!

Leslie