Joanne

I'm not sure how to be there for Jacqueline (age 8, unschooled for 2
years) with regards to something that I've been noticing lately. When
we play a new board game or she's trying to learn something new (like
jumping on our pogo stick), she gets very frustrated when she can't do
it right away (meaning after a few minutes). Most things do come easy
to her and it's the things that don't, that get her frustrated and she
says "I can't do it!". I noticed that trying to help her only
frustrated her more. Any ideas? Thanks!

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (8), Shawna (11) & Cimion (14)
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/

Heather

My son was like this when he was younger. But my kids usually see us being
able to do things pretty well.
So we (dh & I) tried modeling NOT being able to do things well ourselves and
talked about being frustrated "out Loud"
so our kids could hear us. We did it with trying to hit the softball with
the bat - "Darn it! I missed the ball. I can't EVER hit the ball!"
And then we would say out loud to ourself or the other parent "Its okay.
Just try again".
I remember doing this and our son eventually would reassure us with those
same words and could use them for himself.

heather
tucson


On 3/3/07, Joanne <billyandjoanne@...> wrote:
>
> I'm not sure how to be there for Jacqueline (age 8, unschooled for 2
> years) with regards to something that I've been noticing lately. When
> we play a new board game or she's trying to learn something new (like
> jumping on our pogo stick), she gets very frustrated when she can't do
> it right away (meaning after a few minutes). Most things do come easy
> to her and it's the things that don't, that get her frustrated and she
> says "I can't do it!". I noticed that trying to help her only
> frustrated her more. Any ideas? Thanks!
>


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Sylvia Toyama

Will had similar frustrations when he was about Jacqueline's age. He would bring home a new video game, excited to try it, then spend the entire weekend up in his room, raging and throwing it at the wall, only to pick it up and try again.

At first, I tried to help, but nope, my help wasn't welcome.

Then I tried what I thought was empathy but was just minimizing by reassurance, or giving him 'permission' to give up. He didn't want to give up, nor did he need my permission, he wanted to keep trying and any words from me were received as unsolicited advice. He knew I didn't have any useful tips to offer so my efforts to help made him angry with me - I was keeping him from working it his way. And not because I could really help him, but because I was uncomfortable with his struggle -- I felt a need to 'fix' it for him. He saw all this before I did, of course.

Finally, once I saw what was going on between us -- the dynamic I was creating -- I learned to just quietly watch and wait. It's his style to become frustrated, and the outbursts are a release for him that lets him continue working at something. I offered food and drinks, and when he wanted to celebrate successes, I was happy for him, asking questions about the game and the details of what had been required to move ahead.

Progress was slow, and gradually he found less angry-feeling ways (for me) to get thru the process. And I spent a lot of time breathing, and waiting, and quietly knowing that he'd work thru this all and come out on the other side.

Sylvia



Gary (dh)
Will (22) Andy (10-1/2) and Dan (6)

A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other. ~M.C. Richards



http://ourhapahome.blogspot.com









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Want to start your own business? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

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marji

At 11:34 3/3/2007, you wrote:
> I noticed that trying to help her only frustrated her more. Any
> ideas? Thanks!

I can think of three things that seemed to have made a difference for
me and Liam when he gets frustrated:

First is that I don't try to help him, unless, of course, he asks
me. (Sometimes I'll ask, "Is there anything I can do?" but I usually
don't, and I usually don't get a positive response at those
times.) I have asked him during calm times what he would like me to
do (help or not) and he says it's different every time. Even though
I got no clarity into the situation from our calm-time talk, he did
get the strong message that I care and I'm here and I love him and I
want to help if I can. I think it helps him just to know that.

I have found that he gets over his frustration unbelievably quickly
if I just stay out of it. So, I bite my lip and do just that!

Also, someone (ugh - I can't remember who, was it Mary? I can't
remember) said that she envisions herself as a "mountain of
calm." So, I don't do or say anything, and if I'm told to go away I
do it, but I do keep a visual in my head of being a mountain of calm
and calming energy. Whether it helps him or not, I don't know; but
it helps me not get in there and make things worse, and I guess that
helps in some way. ;-)

Also, as Heather mentioned, I try to be a good frustration model for
him. I realize that because he and I spend so much concentrated time
together, he gets a ton of his cues from me, so I *try* to make sure
I'm modeling frustration for him in an honest, healthy way. And,
he's really supportive of me when I'm having a frustrating time of it
(which happens from time to time when you do the work I do!). It's
wild to hear him mirroring back the supportive things I have said to
him around feeling frustrated.

I hope that's helpful!

~Marji

P.S. It also helps me to remember that I used to be just like him
when I was a kid, and I know that whatever the thing was that I
trying to do that was getting me angry and frustrated was my row to
hoe, as it were. I really would have preferred the privacy to deal
with my demons without an audience. As I listen to Liam rant in a
loud whisper in the other room at his video game, I vividly remember
the double-whammy of being pissed at myself *and* feeling responsible
for my mother's anxiety as she witnessed my struggles. I try not to
lay that on my son, if I can manage it.


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Ren Allen

~~> I noticed that trying to help her only frustrated her more. Any
> ideas? Thanks!~~

There is a really great article by a Dad named Arun in this month's
issue of Connections on that very topic! He talks about his journey
into mindful parenting and how unnatural some of it was for him...but
how empathising and listening to his child has been a great tool,
rather than trying to "fix" everything.

I highly recommend reading it.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Erica Iwamura

thanks Ren!

I haven't read it yet but I will and I intend on showing it to my DH.

Erica

On 3/3/07, Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>
> ~~> I noticed that trying to help her only frustrated her more. Any
> > ideas? Thanks!~~
>
> There is a really great article by a Dad named Arun in this month's
> issue of Connections on that very topic! He talks about his journey
> into mindful parenting and how unnatural some of it was for him...but
> how empathising and listening to his child has been a great tool,
> rather than trying to "fix" everything.
>
> I highly recommend reading it.
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>
>
>



--
"Play is the highest form of research." - Albert Einstein


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:: anne | arun ::

thanks for the plug and i hope its useful for your dh erica :)

i was surprised when danielle asked for the article to appear in
Connections... i thought my perspective was a relatively isolated
one. Its nice to know of other "reforming control freaks" and just
parents who are learning to sit with their children's emotions and
pain rather than solve it... makes me feel less freaky ;)

cheers
arun

> thanks Ren!
> I haven't read it yet but I will and I intend on showing it to my DH.
> Erica
>> On 3/3/07, Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...> wrote:
> > There is a really great article by a Dad named Arun in this month's
> > issue of Connections on that very topic! He talks about his journey
> > into mindful parenting...

_____________________________________________

| anne + arun |
http://www.theparentingpit.com





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Ren Allen

~~ Its nice to know of other "reforming control freaks" and just
> parents who are learning to sit with their children's emotions and
> pain rather than solve it... makes me feel less freaky ;)~~


There are a few of us here!:)
We had a running joke for a while about a 12-step program for control
freaks.

I had no idea you were a member here Arun...nice to have you. Hope you
post more often! The article really hit home for me.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], marji <marji@...> wrote:
>> I really would have preferred the privacy to deal
> with my demons without an audience.

I feel that way alot, still. I also don't like to be visibly learning
something or working on something with an audience. It unnerves me
that George reads over my shoulder when I'm posting, for example, as I
do a lot of revising and I don't like him seeing me blundering along
looking for the right words (I don't ask him to stop, though, its the
*only* time he reads anything unschooly!).

When I was learning to juggle last summer, I did it in secret. A
friend of mine offered to teach me, and I asked him a bunch of
questions, but then refused to let him watch me learn. Nope, I would
be dropping those balls in private, thank you.

Thanks for bringing that up, Marji!

---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)

Krisula Moyer

I had an adult singing student once who was so shy in the beginning she
would only practice in her car, in the garage when her dh wasn't home. She
didn't even like her cat to hear. After she started to get better though,
she began feeling more conifdent and went on to audition for a spot at the
university and eventually became a music teacher. I was amazed at how her
confidence grew along with her ability.


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Debra Rossing

>I offered food and drinks

That's important so I wanted to pull it out (a) because keeping fed and
hydrated help DS handle frustration and (b) because sometimes I'd
suggest (and he could turn it down or accept it) that he go get a drink
of water when he got frustrated (or I'd offer to get him a drink of
water). Now he will deliberately say/do that - I'm starting to get
frustrated, hold this for me while I get a drink of water. He's even
told me a time or two Sounds like you're getting frustrated, want me to
get you a glass of water? It provides a bit of a break without saying
"Well, then stop doing that since it's frustrating you" or minimizing
the frustration or whatever. I even do it at work - when I hit a
frustrating situation, I'll often walk down and refill my water bottle,
even if it's still half full.

Deb

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