Help w/13 yo DD
Julie Peters
(I'm going to post in a couple of places...sorry if you've seen this
already.)
We have been officially unschooling since April this year and my son
(10) is completely content unschooling and my daughter (13) is for
the most part. But there are days when DD asks for an
assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she "thinks" she needs it
b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want it, etc. And
accuses me of being terrible for "not making her do it" b/c she'll
end up stupid compared to everyone else. On the other hand, if I
just assign something for her to do (if she wants, only b/c she
asked) I get met with, "I thought that we were unschooling and I
didn't really have to do/know this stuff?"
What does this mean, what do I do? Is this a stage, could she be
testing her boundries/freedom? I have read plenty of discussions on
how to approach/defend unschooling to "outsiders" but how do you do
that with your child? One day she'll say unschooling is cool and
fun, the next day she claims she is sooo bored and can't stand not
having anything to do. I reassure her there is plenty of stuff she
could "choose" to do (reading, biking, art, tv/computer, cooking,
sewing, etc.) but she refuses any suggestions. Could she be asking
me for some kind of help and I'm just not getting it?
I am confused and exhausted trying to "keep up" with which side of
the fence she'll be on that day. I would like her to just "pick
one" but I know that this is something she has to work
through...just how do I help her? Do I keep defending unschooling
and reassure her that she will turn out fine? Or do I side with the
school @ home idea until she decides she doesn't like that? Do I
keep giving her assignments if she asks and just "take" the "why are
you being two-faced" attitude, even though I don't ever expect her
to complete them?
Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Julie Peters
already.)
We have been officially unschooling since April this year and my son
(10) is completely content unschooling and my daughter (13) is for
the most part. But there are days when DD asks for an
assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she "thinks" she needs it
b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want it, etc. And
accuses me of being terrible for "not making her do it" b/c she'll
end up stupid compared to everyone else. On the other hand, if I
just assign something for her to do (if she wants, only b/c she
asked) I get met with, "I thought that we were unschooling and I
didn't really have to do/know this stuff?"
What does this mean, what do I do? Is this a stage, could she be
testing her boundries/freedom? I have read plenty of discussions on
how to approach/defend unschooling to "outsiders" but how do you do
that with your child? One day she'll say unschooling is cool and
fun, the next day she claims she is sooo bored and can't stand not
having anything to do. I reassure her there is plenty of stuff she
could "choose" to do (reading, biking, art, tv/computer, cooking,
sewing, etc.) but she refuses any suggestions. Could she be asking
me for some kind of help and I'm just not getting it?
I am confused and exhausted trying to "keep up" with which side of
the fence she'll be on that day. I would like her to just "pick
one" but I know that this is something she has to work
through...just how do I help her? Do I keep defending unschooling
and reassure her that she will turn out fine? Or do I side with the
school @ home idea until she decides she doesn't like that? Do I
keep giving her assignments if she asks and just "take" the "why are
you being two-faced" attitude, even though I don't ever expect her
to complete them?
Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Julie Peters
Michelle Leifur Reid
On 12/8/06, Julie Peters <julieannpeters@...> wrote:
Liberation Handbook? Great resource.
to pick up something and take an interest? Are you following your
passions and pursuing your interests? Are you going places and
inviting her along or are you waiting for her to say, "Hey Mom, can we
do this?" She has a lot of deschooling to do and it is probably going
to take longer with all the influences of her schooled friends. Does
she have any unschooled friends? That is a huge help in building
self-confidence - seeing other kids who are unschooling, not doing the
"school assignments" and are creative, intelligent, imaginative and
cool (or funky or rad or whatver word they use now to describe what my
generation would have called cool :-) )
Michelle
> (I'm going to post in a couple of places...sorry if you've seen thisYou are still deschooling! Have you (and she) read the Teenage
> already.)
>
> We have been officially unschooling since April this year and my son
> (10) is completely content unschooling and my daughter (13) is for
> the most part. But there are days when DD asks for an
> assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she "thinks" she needs it
> b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want it, etc.
Liberation Handbook? Great resource.
>What are YOU doing? Are you sitting on the sidelines waiting for her
> One day she'll say unschooling is cool and
> fun, the next day she claims she is sooo bored and can't stand not
> having anything to do. I reassure her there is plenty of stuff she
> could "choose" to do (reading, biking, art, tv/computer, cooking,
> sewing, etc.) but she refuses any suggestions. Could she be asking
> me for some kind of help and I'm just not getting it?
to pick up something and take an interest? Are you following your
passions and pursuing your interests? Are you going places and
inviting her along or are you waiting for her to say, "Hey Mom, can we
do this?" She has a lot of deschooling to do and it is probably going
to take longer with all the influences of her schooled friends. Does
she have any unschooled friends? That is a huge help in building
self-confidence - seeing other kids who are unschooling, not doing the
"school assignments" and are creative, intelligent, imaginative and
cool (or funky or rad or whatver word they use now to describe what my
generation would have called cool :-) )
Michelle
jlh44music
"Julie Peters" <julieannpeters@...> wrote:
for the most part. But there are days when DD asks for an
assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she "thinks" she needs it
b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want it, etc.>>
It hasn't been that long. She has a lot of deschooling to do (they
say AT LEAST one month for every year in school - I included day care
and K! and for many it takes much longer). She's still trying to
figure it out. There's nothing wrong with doing schoolish
assignments, IF it's her choice, but I can also understand your
frustration at it being thrown back in your face. I pulled my dd (14
this past Sep) out of school in Jun 2005 and she's just recently
begun to emerge. Lots of healing was (and still is) needed.
if I just assign something for her to do (if she wants, only b/c she
asked) I get met with, "I thought that we were unschooling and I
didn't really have to do/know this stuff?">
Does she still have contact with a lot of schooled kids that she may
be hearing this message from? Are you (intentionally or not)
sending this message yourself at all? Are you able to calmly (at a
time when conversation is more relaxed) discuss these concerns with
her? (and for the record, I've found it hardest for ME to deschool,
to not have traditionally schooly thoughts!). Have you read The
Teenage Liberation Handbook? Anything by John Holt? "Parenting a
Free Child" by Rue Kream? The book that really "did it" for me
was "Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling"
By John Taylor Gatto. Websites:
http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
http://sandradodd.com/
http://www.nhen.org/teens/default.asp?id=2 (has info on traditional
homeschooling, but also quite a bit on teens and unschooling). I had
to do a LOT of reading and absorbing before I could begin this
journey, and it doesn't stop.
Very possible. She needs to learn to trust. There's a lot in the
archives here about trust (people who have written about it much
better than I can, we still have a ways to go). It's harder when
kids have been in school than if they had unschooled from day one,
they have a lot of confused thoughts. I know there are others on
this list, like I said, that can speak more clearly about this than I
can!
What are her days like? What does she like to do? Can she do
whatever she wants, for as long as she wants?
My dd found World of Warcraft (online computer game, prior to that it
was Runescape, Neopets, Toontown) the spring before she left school
after 6th grade. She became absorbed with the game and would play
it for the greater portion of each day, unless we had something
planned. She also watched TV, slept as much as she wanted, talked on
the phone with her only IRL friend (a girl in another town who is
still in school). She's a night person and over time has adjusted
her sleep schedule to be up until 3 or 4 AM, getting up at noon or
1:00ish (or later some days if I don't help her, at her request).
I don't have any words of unschooling wisdom right now, I just wanted
to share a little bit about having a child who I pulled from school
at about the same age as your dd. I hope some of this helps.
Jann
> We have been officially unschooling since April this year and myson (10) is completely content unschooling and my daughter (13) is
for the most part. But there are days when DD asks for an
assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she "thinks" she needs it
b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want it, etc.>>
It hasn't been that long. She has a lot of deschooling to do (they
say AT LEAST one month for every year in school - I included day care
and K! and for many it takes much longer). She's still trying to
figure it out. There's nothing wrong with doing schoolish
assignments, IF it's her choice, but I can also understand your
frustration at it being thrown back in your face. I pulled my dd (14
this past Sep) out of school in Jun 2005 and she's just recently
begun to emerge. Lots of healing was (and still is) needed.
> And accuses me of being terrible for "not making her do it" b/cshe'll end up stupid compared to everyone else. On the other hand,
if I just assign something for her to do (if she wants, only b/c she
asked) I get met with, "I thought that we were unschooling and I
didn't really have to do/know this stuff?">
Does she still have contact with a lot of schooled kids that she may
be hearing this message from? Are you (intentionally or not)
sending this message yourself at all? Are you able to calmly (at a
time when conversation is more relaxed) discuss these concerns with
her? (and for the record, I've found it hardest for ME to deschool,
to not have traditionally schooly thoughts!). Have you read The
Teenage Liberation Handbook? Anything by John Holt? "Parenting a
Free Child" by Rue Kream? The book that really "did it" for me
was "Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling"
By John Taylor Gatto. Websites:
http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
http://sandradodd.com/
http://www.nhen.org/teens/default.asp?id=2 (has info on traditional
homeschooling, but also quite a bit on teens and unschooling). I had
to do a LOT of reading and absorbing before I could begin this
journey, and it doesn't stop.
> What does this mean, what do I do? Is this a stage, could she betesting her boundries/freedom?>>
Very possible. She needs to learn to trust. There's a lot in the
archives here about trust (people who have written about it much
better than I can, we still have a ways to go). It's harder when
kids have been in school than if they had unschooled from day one,
they have a lot of confused thoughts. I know there are others on
this list, like I said, that can speak more clearly about this than I
can!
>One day she'll say unschooling is cool and fun, the next day sheclaims she is sooo bored and can't stand not having anything to do.>>
What are her days like? What does she like to do? Can she do
whatever she wants, for as long as she wants?
My dd found World of Warcraft (online computer game, prior to that it
was Runescape, Neopets, Toontown) the spring before she left school
after 6th grade. She became absorbed with the game and would play
it for the greater portion of each day, unless we had something
planned. She also watched TV, slept as much as she wanted, talked on
the phone with her only IRL friend (a girl in another town who is
still in school). She's a night person and over time has adjusted
her sleep schedule to be up until 3 or 4 AM, getting up at noon or
1:00ish (or later some days if I don't help her, at her request).
I don't have any words of unschooling wisdom right now, I just wanted
to share a little bit about having a child who I pulled from school
at about the same age as your dd. I hope some of this helps.
Jann
Meridith Richardson
Do unschooling children have to take a standardized
test at the end of the year since we do not have a
portfolio to show? I am not sure hoe this works yet.
THanks
Meridith
--- jlh44music <jlh44music@...> wrote:
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
http://new.mail.yahoo.com
test at the end of the year since we do not have a
portfolio to show? I am not sure hoe this works yet.
THanks
Meridith
--- jlh44music <jlh44music@...> wrote:
> "Julie Peters" <julieannpeters@...> wrote:____________________________________________________________________________________
> > We have been officially unschooling since April
> this year and my
> son (10) is completely content unschooling and my
> daughter (13) is
> for the most part. But there are days when DD asks
> for an
> assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she
> "thinks" she needs it
> b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want
> it, etc.>>
>
> It hasn't been that long. She has a lot of
> deschooling to do (they
> say AT LEAST one month for every year in school - I
> included day care
> and K! and for many it takes much longer). She's
> still trying to
> figure it out. There's nothing wrong with doing
> schoolish
> assignments, IF it's her choice, but I can also
> understand your
> frustration at it being thrown back in your face. I
> pulled my dd (14
> this past Sep) out of school in Jun 2005 and she's
> just recently
> begun to emerge. Lots of healing was (and still
> is) needed.
>
> > And accuses me of being terrible for "not making
> her do it" b/c
> she'll end up stupid compared to everyone else. On
> the other hand,
> if I just assign something for her to do (if she
> wants, only b/c she
> asked) I get met with, "I thought that we were
> unschooling and I
> didn't really have to do/know this stuff?">
>
> Does she still have contact with a lot of schooled
> kids that she may
> be hearing this message from? Are you
> (intentionally or not)
> sending this message yourself at all? Are you able
> to calmly (at a
> time when conversation is more relaxed) discuss
> these concerns with
> her? (and for the record, I've found it hardest for
> ME to deschool,
> to not have traditionally schooly thoughts!). Have
> you read The
> Teenage Liberation Handbook? Anything by John
> Holt? "Parenting a
> Free Child" by Rue Kream? The book that really "did
> it" for me
> was "Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of
> Compulsory Schooling"
> By John Taylor Gatto. Websites:
> http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
>
> http://sandradodd.com/
>
> http://www.nhen.org/teens/default.asp?id=2 (has info
> on traditional
> homeschooling, but also quite a bit on teens and
> unschooling). I had
> to do a LOT of reading and absorbing before I could
> begin this
> journey, and it doesn't stop.
>
> > What does this mean, what do I do? Is this a
> stage, could she be
> testing her boundries/freedom?>>
>
> Very possible. She needs to learn to trust.
> There's a lot in the
> archives here about trust (people who have written
> about it much
> better than I can, we still have a ways to go).
> It's harder when
> kids have been in school than if they had unschooled
> from day one,
> they have a lot of confused thoughts. I know there
> are others on
> this list, like I said, that can speak more clearly
> about this than I
> can!
>
> >One day she'll say unschooling is cool and fun, the
> next day she
> claims she is sooo bored and can't stand not having
> anything to do.>>
>
> What are her days like? What does she like to do?
> Can she do
> whatever she wants, for as long as she wants?
>
> My dd found World of Warcraft (online computer game,
> prior to that it
> was Runescape, Neopets, Toontown) the spring before
> she left school
> after 6th grade. She became absorbed with the game
> and would play
> it for the greater portion of each day, unless we
> had something
> planned. She also watched TV, slept as much as she
> wanted, talked on
> the phone with her only IRL friend (a girl in
> another town who is
> still in school). She's a night person and over
> time has adjusted
> her sleep schedule to be up until 3 or 4 AM, getting
> up at noon or
> 1:00ish (or later some days if I don't help her, at
> her request).
>
> I don't have any words of unschooling wisdom right
> now, I just wanted
> to share a little bit about having a child who I
> pulled from school
> at about the same age as your dd. I hope some of
> this helps.
> Jann
>
>
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
http://new.mail.yahoo.com
plaidpanties666
--- In [email protected], "jlh44music"
<jlh44music@...> wrote:
I was just thinking of posting for yucky-weather ideas for my stepson,
who has only just begun deschooling. He enjoys Runescape, but gets
bored with it from time to time. Thanks for giving us a new direction
to try.
---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)
<jlh44music@...> wrote:
>> I don't have any words of unschooling wisdom right nowOh, but you did! They were "World of Warcraft...Neopets and Toontown"!
I was just thinking of posting for yucky-weather ideas for my stepson,
who has only just begun deschooling. He enjoys Runescape, but gets
bored with it from time to time. Thanks for giving us a new direction
to try.
---Meredith (Mo 5, Ray 13)
jlh44music
"plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
my stepson, who has only just begun deschooling. He enjoys Runescape,
but gets bored with it from time to time. Thanks for giving us a new
direction to try.>
Oh good! LOL!
She just found another online game, very similar to WOW, but FREE! It's
called Silk Road http://www.silkroadonline.net/
Jann
> <jlh44music@> wrote:Toontown"! I was just thinking of posting for yucky-weather ideas for
> >> I don't have any words of unschooling wisdom right now
>
> Oh, but you did! They were "World of Warcraft...Neopets and
my stepson, who has only just begun deschooling. He enjoys Runescape,
but gets bored with it from time to time. Thanks for giving us a new
direction to try.>
Oh good! LOL!
She just found another online game, very similar to WOW, but FREE! It's
called Silk Road http://www.silkroadonline.net/
Jann
jlh44music
Meridith Richardson <ruttegar@...> wrote:
portfolio to show? I am not sure hoe this works yet.>>
It all depends on the requirements for the state you're in, each one is
different.
Jann
>test at the end of the year since we do not have a
> Do unschooling children have to take a standardized
portfolio to show? I am not sure hoe this works yet.>>
It all depends on the requirements for the state you're in, each one is
different.
Jann
smidgets_5
I am normally just a lurker but I wanted to say that I'm so glad we
are not the only one's. I have a 12 yr old DD and 10 yr old DS that
LOVE to play WOW. They play as often as they can. They are on the
Rexxar server. What server is your DD on? Maybe our kids can get
together for some game time.
Michele
--- In [email protected], "jlh44music"
<jlh44music@...> wrote:
are not the only one's. I have a 12 yr old DD and 10 yr old DS that
LOVE to play WOW. They play as often as they can. They are on the
Rexxar server. What server is your DD on? Maybe our kids can get
together for some game time.
Michele
--- In [email protected], "jlh44music"
<jlh44music@...> wrote:
>
> "Julie Peters" <julieannpeters@> wrote:
> > We have been officially unschooling since April this year and my
> son (10) is completely content unschooling and my daughter (13) is
> for the most part. But there are days when DD asks for an
> assignment...not because it is fun but b/c she "thinks" she needs it
> b/c her PS/S@H friends have to, college might want it, etc.>>
>
> It hasn't been that long. She has a lot of deschooling to do (they
> say AT LEAST one month for every year in school - I included day care
> and K! and for many it takes much longer). She's still trying to
> figure it out. There's nothing wrong with doing schoolish
> assignments, IF it's her choice, but I can also understand your
> frustration at it being thrown back in your face. I pulled my dd (14
> this past Sep) out of school in Jun 2005 and she's just recently
> begun to emerge. Lots of healing was (and still is) needed.
>
> > And accuses me of being terrible for "not making her do it" b/c
> she'll end up stupid compared to everyone else. On the other hand,
> if I just assign something for her to do (if she wants, only b/c she
> asked) I get met with, "I thought that we were unschooling and I
> didn't really have to do/know this stuff?">
>
> Does she still have contact with a lot of schooled kids that she may
> be hearing this message from? Are you (intentionally or not)
> sending this message yourself at all? Are you able to calmly (at a
> time when conversation is more relaxed) discuss these concerns with
> her? (and for the record, I've found it hardest for ME to deschool,
> to not have traditionally schooly thoughts!). Have you read The
> Teenage Liberation Handbook? Anything by John Holt? "Parenting a
> Free Child" by Rue Kream? The book that really "did it" for me
> was "Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling"
> By John Taylor Gatto. Websites:
> http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
>
> http://sandradodd.com/
>
> http://www.nhen.org/teens/default.asp?id=2 (has info on traditional
> homeschooling, but also quite a bit on teens and unschooling). I had
> to do a LOT of reading and absorbing before I could begin this
> journey, and it doesn't stop.
>
> > What does this mean, what do I do? Is this a stage, could she be
> testing her boundries/freedom?>>
>
> Very possible. She needs to learn to trust. There's a lot in the
> archives here about trust (people who have written about it much
> better than I can, we still have a ways to go). It's harder when
> kids have been in school than if they had unschooled from day one,
> they have a lot of confused thoughts. I know there are others on
> this list, like I said, that can speak more clearly about this than I
> can!
>
> >One day she'll say unschooling is cool and fun, the next day she
> claims she is sooo bored and can't stand not having anything to do.>>
>
> What are her days like? What does she like to do? Can she do
> whatever she wants, for as long as she wants?
>
> My dd found World of Warcraft (online computer game, prior to that it
> was Runescape, Neopets, Toontown) the spring before she left school
> after 6th grade. She became absorbed with the game and would play
> it for the greater portion of each day, unless we had something
> planned. She also watched TV, slept as much as she wanted, talked on
> the phone with her only IRL friend (a girl in another town who is
> still in school). She's a night person and over time has adjusted
> her sleep schedule to be up until 3 or 4 AM, getting up at noon or
> 1:00ish (or later some days if I don't help her, at her request).
>
> I don't have any words of unschooling wisdom right now, I just wanted
> to share a little bit about having a child who I pulled from school
> at about the same age as your dd. I hope some of this helps.
> Jann
>
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: julieannpeters@...
.just how do I help her? Do I keep defending unschooling
and reassure her that she will turn out fine? Or do I side with the
school @ home idea until she decides she doesn't like that? Do I
keep giving her assignments if she asks and just "take" the "why are
you being two-faced" attitude, even though I don't ever expect her
to complete them?
-=-=-=-=-
Give her the "assignment" of reading Parenting a Free Child, The
Teenage Liberation Handboook, Dumbing Us Down, Punished by
Rewards---a few of those. Let her see where you're coming from. She
peobably doesn't trust that this is real---and if it IS, it doesn't
seem "normal." <g>
Tell her that this is a radical change for YOU too and that you also
sometimes feel at a loss.
Give her some examples from your own life---and from Hers!---about how
you and she learned different things.
Immerse yourself in a hobby---model the life you're talking about. Do
something new---Plant a butterfly garden. Go to Gettysburg. Make ATCs.
Design a website or MySpace. Build a 3-D model of your dreamhouse.
Make, Do, BE the changes you want to see in her.
She'll follow your lead.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
From: julieannpeters@...
.just how do I help her? Do I keep defending unschooling
and reassure her that she will turn out fine? Or do I side with the
school @ home idea until she decides she doesn't like that? Do I
keep giving her assignments if she asks and just "take" the "why are
you being two-faced" attitude, even though I don't ever expect her
to complete them?
-=-=-=-=-
Give her the "assignment" of reading Parenting a Free Child, The
Teenage Liberation Handboook, Dumbing Us Down, Punished by
Rewards---a few of those. Let her see where you're coming from. She
peobably doesn't trust that this is real---and if it IS, it doesn't
seem "normal." <g>
Tell her that this is a radical change for YOU too and that you also
sometimes feel at a loss.
Give her some examples from your own life---and from Hers!---about how
you and she learned different things.
Immerse yourself in a hobby---model the life you're talking about. Do
something new---Plant a butterfly garden. Go to Gettysburg. Make ATCs.
Design a website or MySpace. Build a 3-D model of your dreamhouse.
Make, Do, BE the changes you want to see in her.
She'll follow your lead.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.