Another question about punishment!
kellmar98
Since we were on the subject I thought I'd throw this one out there.
My 8 year old daughter has ADD and really other than some mild
attention problems she is just a regular, great kid. Now my 6 year
old daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder, and exhibits some
symptoms of Aspergers. Now for the most part I can reason with my 8
year old as to why she should not hit her sister or another child,
and she gets it. My 6 year old is a whole other story. First off
with her issues she is very prone to flying into a rage......which
as time has gone by she has learned to go to her room where she
screams, kicks the door and gets it out of her system. But what
really bothers me is she has no empathy or compassion (a very common
symptom of SPD/AS kids), so I can not reason with this child as to
why she should not hit her sister or another child. My poor 8 year
old gets punched, kicked, pinched, etc. on a regular basis and it's
usually unprovoked. I could talk to my six year old till I was blue
in the face and she does not get it. She generally can't play with
other children without me being there. Socially she is a disaster,
which I've been told is another trait of AS/SPD. When someone
wrongs her she hits or punches them. And it could be over something
as simple as they won't play the game she wants to play. Punishing
or talking would do no good......we have been that route. We have
tried the role playing, etc. with no luck. I've tried to tell her
the only thing she can hurt is a pillow.....no luck. Today she
tried to run over the neighbors cat with her bike for the 100th
time, and for the 100th time I tried explaining to her why she
should not do that. I feel like I'm just spinning my tires over
here. Now I should add that my six year old is also very bright.
She figured out how to read all on her own when she was 4. She was
reading chapter books in kindy, while the other kids were learning
their ABC's. Public School bored her to tears, and it was one of
many reasons I decided to take them out. So anyone out there have
any suggestions on how to not punish her, but to help her get the
message to not hit and punch.
Kelly
My 8 year old daughter has ADD and really other than some mild
attention problems she is just a regular, great kid. Now my 6 year
old daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder, and exhibits some
symptoms of Aspergers. Now for the most part I can reason with my 8
year old as to why she should not hit her sister or another child,
and she gets it. My 6 year old is a whole other story. First off
with her issues she is very prone to flying into a rage......which
as time has gone by she has learned to go to her room where she
screams, kicks the door and gets it out of her system. But what
really bothers me is she has no empathy or compassion (a very common
symptom of SPD/AS kids), so I can not reason with this child as to
why she should not hit her sister or another child. My poor 8 year
old gets punched, kicked, pinched, etc. on a regular basis and it's
usually unprovoked. I could talk to my six year old till I was blue
in the face and she does not get it. She generally can't play with
other children without me being there. Socially she is a disaster,
which I've been told is another trait of AS/SPD. When someone
wrongs her she hits or punches them. And it could be over something
as simple as they won't play the game she wants to play. Punishing
or talking would do no good......we have been that route. We have
tried the role playing, etc. with no luck. I've tried to tell her
the only thing she can hurt is a pillow.....no luck. Today she
tried to run over the neighbors cat with her bike for the 100th
time, and for the 100th time I tried explaining to her why she
should not do that. I feel like I'm just spinning my tires over
here. Now I should add that my six year old is also very bright.
She figured out how to read all on her own when she was 4. She was
reading chapter books in kindy, while the other kids were learning
their ABC's. Public School bored her to tears, and it was one of
many reasons I decided to take them out. So anyone out there have
any suggestions on how to not punish her, but to help her get the
message to not hit and punch.
Kelly
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: kellmar98@...
So anyone out there have
any suggestions on how to not punish her, but to help her get the
message to not hit and punch.
-=-=-=-=-
Don't leave her in a situation *EVER* where she might get into a
hitting/punching match. BE with her. Always.
With your gentle guidance, she will learn NOT to hit/punch.
Don't leave her alone.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
From: kellmar98@...
So anyone out there have
any suggestions on how to not punish her, but to help her get the
message to not hit and punch.
-=-=-=-=-
Don't leave her in a situation *EVER* where she might get into a
hitting/punching match. BE with her. Always.
With your gentle guidance, she will learn NOT to hit/punch.
Don't leave her alone.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
[email protected]
Hi Kelly, I can empathize with you. It is very difficult to know how to
help these kids when you know you aren't able to connect them with the problem
(did that make sense??). My son was also not very verbal, so I might as well
have been talking to a wall.
Please know this will all get better with time, but it is much work!
I highly recommend Ross Greene's The Explosive Child.
What I do is break it down. First, protect people and animals as much as
you can. For example, can you talk to the neighbor about keeping the cat
indoors? I often have to separate my children. Sometimes that is all I can do.
Next, work on the trust between you and your children. My son doesn't seem
to have the same natural level of trust as other kids, so I had to work twice
as hard to develop it. Respectful, mindful parenting will help here. Also,
working to set up a good "yes" environment. For my kids, we would go do
something special, like eat at a favorite restaurant. Find some places where
you normally wouldn't go the extra mile for your kids and do it consistently.
One friend of mine quit going on the family outings on their boat because her
son didn't really like it, he would go reluctantly. They started having fun
days together doing what *he* wanted.
You are right, you have to be around for her social interaction. Try to
play with the kids when possible and help them resolve their issues. It helped
me (thanks to Anne Ohman) to think of this as my time to show him by example
How to Interact. I also had a montessori teacher friend who taught me about
conflict resolution. Most children are just told to work it out themselves,
you are doing your children (and the neighborhood kids) the skills of dealing
with others! I have not been doing this lately and I really need to get
back in the habit. I'm thinking of getting some of the Non-Violent
Communication material.
I have occasionally used coercion in the form of not letting him ride the
bike if he was running over a cat, my son needs big gestures to get those points
sometimes. It was the only way I could get him to understand. I try to
only use these gestures when it involves safety and/or immediacy. It is not
random though, like I try not to say "you can't go to the park if you don't
brush your teeth". More like "you may not play in your sister's room if you are
going to hit her" sort of common sense consequence. I find though, that he
just gets mad at me and doesn't always connect that *he* is the cause of the
problem, so I work as much as possible on other ways to do things. But
sometimes it is the only thing that works! I have found with time that these
ideas are making more sense to him.
He just turned ten and things are so much better. Just keep doing what you
can and learning about how to help your kids. I am far from perfect, but I
do see results. I also find supplements, diet, energy work to be very, very
helpful. We have recently begun homeopathy which is helping tremendously.
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
help these kids when you know you aren't able to connect them with the problem
(did that make sense??). My son was also not very verbal, so I might as well
have been talking to a wall.
Please know this will all get better with time, but it is much work!
I highly recommend Ross Greene's The Explosive Child.
What I do is break it down. First, protect people and animals as much as
you can. For example, can you talk to the neighbor about keeping the cat
indoors? I often have to separate my children. Sometimes that is all I can do.
Next, work on the trust between you and your children. My son doesn't seem
to have the same natural level of trust as other kids, so I had to work twice
as hard to develop it. Respectful, mindful parenting will help here. Also,
working to set up a good "yes" environment. For my kids, we would go do
something special, like eat at a favorite restaurant. Find some places where
you normally wouldn't go the extra mile for your kids and do it consistently.
One friend of mine quit going on the family outings on their boat because her
son didn't really like it, he would go reluctantly. They started having fun
days together doing what *he* wanted.
You are right, you have to be around for her social interaction. Try to
play with the kids when possible and help them resolve their issues. It helped
me (thanks to Anne Ohman) to think of this as my time to show him by example
How to Interact. I also had a montessori teacher friend who taught me about
conflict resolution. Most children are just told to work it out themselves,
you are doing your children (and the neighborhood kids) the skills of dealing
with others! I have not been doing this lately and I really need to get
back in the habit. I'm thinking of getting some of the Non-Violent
Communication material.
I have occasionally used coercion in the form of not letting him ride the
bike if he was running over a cat, my son needs big gestures to get those points
sometimes. It was the only way I could get him to understand. I try to
only use these gestures when it involves safety and/or immediacy. It is not
random though, like I try not to say "you can't go to the park if you don't
brush your teeth". More like "you may not play in your sister's room if you are
going to hit her" sort of common sense consequence. I find though, that he
just gets mad at me and doesn't always connect that *he* is the cause of the
problem, so I work as much as possible on other ways to do things. But
sometimes it is the only thing that works! I have found with time that these
ideas are making more sense to him.
He just turned ten and things are so much better. Just keep doing what you
can and learning about how to help your kids. I am far from perfect, but I
do see results. I also find supplements, diet, energy work to be very, very
helpful. We have recently begun homeopathy which is helping tremendously.
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Weyd
I try not to leave her alone. And of course she's a total Momma's girl, so she's usually attached to my hip anyway. But like this morning is a perfect example. I was taking a shower and the two of them were watching t.v. Lexi came in crying because Mariah scratched her. Once again I said to Mariah I want you to use your words, not your hands, and if you two need help talking it out Mommy will help you. I'm hoping that it's just immaturity and that the message will sink in eventually.
Kelly
kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
-----Original Message-----
From: kellmar98@...
So anyone out there have
any suggestions on how to not punish her, but to help her get the
message to not hit and punch.
-=-=-=-=-
Don't leave her in a situation *EVER* where she might get into a
hitting/punching match. BE with her. Always.
With your gentle guidance, she will learn NOT to hit/punch.
Don't leave her alone.
~Kelly
__________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly
kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
-----Original Message-----
From: kellmar98@...
So anyone out there have
any suggestions on how to not punish her, but to help her get the
message to not hit and punch.
-=-=-=-=-
Don't leave her in a situation *EVER* where she might get into a
hitting/punching match. BE with her. Always.
With your gentle guidance, she will learn NOT to hit/punch.
Don't leave her alone.
~Kelly
__________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
--- In [email protected], kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
the signs she's getting to the boiling point and change the
situation: whether it's simply intervening a little to
help "translate" for her "I'm sorry Janie but she's not wanting to
do that right now" (when she's so frustrated she can't explain
verbally) or help her transition to something else, help her learn
to walk away to cool down or take a breath or whatever. It takes
time but it is do-able.
--Deb
>I second that and then some - if you are -there- with her, look for
> Don't leave her in a situation *EVER* where she might get into a
> hitting/punching match. BE with her. Always.
>
> With your gentle guidance, she will learn NOT to hit/punch.
>
> Don't leave her alone.
>
> ~Kelly
the signs she's getting to the boiling point and change the
situation: whether it's simply intervening a little to
help "translate" for her "I'm sorry Janie but she's not wanting to
do that right now" (when she's so frustrated she can't explain
verbally) or help her transition to something else, help her learn
to walk away to cool down or take a breath or whatever. It takes
time but it is do-able.
--Deb
Kelly Weyd
Leslie,
I think I met you on another yahoo group. I am also in SC. I swear fish oil has practically cured my daughters ADD, and helped my own ADD tremendously. So I am all for the natural/alternative route. If I feel good, and the kids feel good things are a whole lot better around here. Homeopathy I'm sure would help my daughter with SPD and possibel AS, but I don't think it's in the budget right now. I think I have come a long way in my own parenting skills in the last year, and just last night my husband complemented me on what a wonderful Mother I was. I used to have no patience and was just frustrated all the time. Over the last year I've changed everything, and look at everything differently now.......obviously I had to change my thinking because my stinky attitude just was not working. So I'm hoping that in time Mariah will "get it". She has so many other wonderful qualities, and I want those qualities to stand out instead of them being over-shadowed by the fact
that she is being obnoxious, and hitting. Thank You for the advice.
Kelly
Leslie530@... wrote:
Hi Kelly, I can empathize with you. It is very difficult to know how to
help these kids when you know you aren't able to connect them with the problem
(did that make sense??). My son was also not very verbal, so I might as well
have been talking to a wall.
Please know this will all get better with time, but it is much work!
I highly recommend Ross Greene's The Explosive Child.
What I do is break it down. First, protect people and animals as much as
you can. For example, can you talk to the neighbor about keeping the cat
indoors? I often have to separate my children. Sometimes that is all I can do.
Next, work on the trust between you and your children. My son doesn't seem
to have the same natural level of trust as other kids, so I had to work twice
as hard to develop it. Respectful, mindful parenting will help here. Also,
working to set up a good "yes" environment. For my kids, we would go do
something special, like eat at a favorite restaurant. Find some places where
you normally wouldn't go the extra mile for your kids and do it consistently.
One friend of mine quit going on the family outings on their boat because her
son didn't really like it, he would go reluctantly. They started having fun
days together doing what *he* wanted.
You are right, you have to be around for her social interaction. Try to
play with the kids when possible and help them resolve their issues. It helped
me (thanks to Anne Ohman) to think of this as my time to show him by example
How to Interact. I also had a montessori teacher friend who taught me about
conflict resolution. Most children are just told to work it out themselves,
you are doing your children (and the neighborhood kids) the skills of dealing
with others! I have not been doing this lately and I really need to get
back in the habit. I'm thinking of getting some of the Non-Violent
Communication material.
I have occasionally used coercion in the form of not letting him ride the
bike if he was running over a cat, my son needs big gestures to get those points
sometimes. It was the only way I could get him to understand. I try to
only use these gestures when it involves safety and/or immediacy. It is not
random though, like I try not to say "you can't go to the park if you don't
brush your teeth". More like "you may not play in your sister's room if you are
going to hit her" sort of common sense consequence. I find though, that he
just gets mad at me and doesn't always connect that *he* is the cause of the
problem, so I work as much as possible on other ways to do things. But
sometimes it is the only thing that works! I have found with time that these
ideas are making more sense to him.
He just turned ten and things are so much better. Just keep doing what you
can and learning about how to help your kids. I am far from perfect, but I
do see results. I also find supplements, diet, energy work to be very, very
helpful. We have recently begun homeopathy which is helping tremendously.
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Get your own web address for just $1.99/1st yr. We'll help. Yahoo! Small Business.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I think I met you on another yahoo group. I am also in SC. I swear fish oil has practically cured my daughters ADD, and helped my own ADD tremendously. So I am all for the natural/alternative route. If I feel good, and the kids feel good things are a whole lot better around here. Homeopathy I'm sure would help my daughter with SPD and possibel AS, but I don't think it's in the budget right now. I think I have come a long way in my own parenting skills in the last year, and just last night my husband complemented me on what a wonderful Mother I was. I used to have no patience and was just frustrated all the time. Over the last year I've changed everything, and look at everything differently now.......obviously I had to change my thinking because my stinky attitude just was not working. So I'm hoping that in time Mariah will "get it". She has so many other wonderful qualities, and I want those qualities to stand out instead of them being over-shadowed by the fact
that she is being obnoxious, and hitting. Thank You for the advice.
Kelly
Leslie530@... wrote:
Hi Kelly, I can empathize with you. It is very difficult to know how to
help these kids when you know you aren't able to connect them with the problem
(did that make sense??). My son was also not very verbal, so I might as well
have been talking to a wall.
Please know this will all get better with time, but it is much work!
I highly recommend Ross Greene's The Explosive Child.
What I do is break it down. First, protect people and animals as much as
you can. For example, can you talk to the neighbor about keeping the cat
indoors? I often have to separate my children. Sometimes that is all I can do.
Next, work on the trust between you and your children. My son doesn't seem
to have the same natural level of trust as other kids, so I had to work twice
as hard to develop it. Respectful, mindful parenting will help here. Also,
working to set up a good "yes" environment. For my kids, we would go do
something special, like eat at a favorite restaurant. Find some places where
you normally wouldn't go the extra mile for your kids and do it consistently.
One friend of mine quit going on the family outings on their boat because her
son didn't really like it, he would go reluctantly. They started having fun
days together doing what *he* wanted.
You are right, you have to be around for her social interaction. Try to
play with the kids when possible and help them resolve their issues. It helped
me (thanks to Anne Ohman) to think of this as my time to show him by example
How to Interact. I also had a montessori teacher friend who taught me about
conflict resolution. Most children are just told to work it out themselves,
you are doing your children (and the neighborhood kids) the skills of dealing
with others! I have not been doing this lately and I really need to get
back in the habit. I'm thinking of getting some of the Non-Violent
Communication material.
I have occasionally used coercion in the form of not letting him ride the
bike if he was running over a cat, my son needs big gestures to get those points
sometimes. It was the only way I could get him to understand. I try to
only use these gestures when it involves safety and/or immediacy. It is not
random though, like I try not to say "you can't go to the park if you don't
brush your teeth". More like "you may not play in your sister's room if you are
going to hit her" sort of common sense consequence. I find though, that he
just gets mad at me and doesn't always connect that *he* is the cause of the
problem, so I work as much as possible on other ways to do things. But
sometimes it is the only thing that works! I have found with time that these
ideas are making more sense to him.
He just turned ten and things are so much better. Just keep doing what you
can and learning about how to help your kids. I am far from perfect, but I
do see results. I also find supplements, diet, energy work to be very, very
helpful. We have recently begun homeopathy which is helping tremendously.
Leslie in SC
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
---------------------------------
Get your own web address for just $1.99/1st yr. We'll help. Yahoo! Small Business.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
marji
I could be totally off base here, so if I am just ignore me! I
wonder, though, if saying the same thing over and over (messages
conveying no hitting, use your words, etc.) might be better replaced
by empathy for the Mariah and sympathy for the injured party--without
administering admonishments about what the correct behavior should
have been. In other words, rather than saying, "I want you to use
your words..." saying first, "You must be feeling so {fill in the
blank here} right now!"
As I said, I would be totally wrong here, but I remember you saying
that your daughter is really intelligent, so she probably already
knows what the right behavior ought to be, and it may be frustrating
to her that she doesn't have the ability to get there yet. She also
may be feeling really bad (somewhere inside her, not visible to you)
about being unable to control her angry outbursts, and she may be
able to start feeling a sense of relief if she believes that someone
understands. In fact, saying something like, "I know that you'll be
able to stop hitting and begin use your words when you are able to"
may, in turn, help her get there eventually.
As I said, I could be totally wrong; this kind of thing is not my
issue at all, so I'm really just coming from a place of total
inexperience with this. I guess I'm trying to imagine how I might
feel if I were incapable of controlling my own impulses. I think I'd
really want someone I love to understand me and be patient with me
and believe in me. I'm just thinking that maybe your daughter needs
a new message.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little!
~Marji
P.S. I just had another thought. Perhaps you could have a talk with
her at noncritical times over some kind of treat and ask her if there
are any ways she would like you to help her when she's feeling
rageful. Perhaps you and she could brainstorm about it and she might
come up with ideas about how to get through those times better.
At 10:43 10/16/2006, you wrote:
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
<http://myspace.com/gaiawolf>Visit us on MySpace
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wonder, though, if saying the same thing over and over (messages
conveying no hitting, use your words, etc.) might be better replaced
by empathy for the Mariah and sympathy for the injured party--without
administering admonishments about what the correct behavior should
have been. In other words, rather than saying, "I want you to use
your words..." saying first, "You must be feeling so {fill in the
blank here} right now!"
As I said, I would be totally wrong here, but I remember you saying
that your daughter is really intelligent, so she probably already
knows what the right behavior ought to be, and it may be frustrating
to her that she doesn't have the ability to get there yet. She also
may be feeling really bad (somewhere inside her, not visible to you)
about being unable to control her angry outbursts, and she may be
able to start feeling a sense of relief if she believes that someone
understands. In fact, saying something like, "I know that you'll be
able to stop hitting and begin use your words when you are able to"
may, in turn, help her get there eventually.
As I said, I could be totally wrong; this kind of thing is not my
issue at all, so I'm really just coming from a place of total
inexperience with this. I guess I'm trying to imagine how I might
feel if I were incapable of controlling my own impulses. I think I'd
really want someone I love to understand me and be patient with me
and believe in me. I'm just thinking that maybe your daughter needs
a new message.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little!
~Marji
P.S. I just had another thought. Perhaps you could have a talk with
her at noncritical times over some kind of treat and ask her if there
are any ways she would like you to help her when she's feeling
rageful. Perhaps you and she could brainstorm about it and she might
come up with ideas about how to get through those times better.
At 10:43 10/16/2006, you wrote:
>I try not to leave her alone. And of course she's a total Momma's_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
>girl, so she's usually attached to my hip anyway. But like this
>morning is a perfect example. I was taking a shower and the two of
>them were watching t.v. Lexi came in crying because Mariah
>scratched her. Once again I said to Mariah I want you to use your
>words, not your hands, and if you two need help talking it out Mommy
>will help you. I'm hoping that it's just immaturity and that the
>message will sink in eventually.
> Kelly
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
<http://myspace.com/gaiawolf>Visit us on MySpace
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: kellmar98@...
I try not to leave her alone.
-=-=-=-=-=-
"Do or do not. There is no try" ~Yoda
-=-=-=-=-
I was taking a shower and the two of them were watching t.v. Lexi
came in crying because Mariah scratched her. Once again I said to
Mariah I want
you to use your words, not your hands, and if you two need help talking
it out
Mommy will help you.
-=-=-=-=-
But you DID leave her alone with her sister. You didn't protect Lexi.
-=-=-=-
I'm hoping that it's just immaturity and that the message
will sink in eventually.
-=-=-=-=-
Maybe. But what are you going to do to protect others until then?
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
From: kellmar98@...
I try not to leave her alone.
-=-=-=-=-=-
"Do or do not. There is no try" ~Yoda
-=-=-=-=-
I was taking a shower and the two of them were watching t.v. Lexi
came in crying because Mariah scratched her. Once again I said to
Mariah I want
you to use your words, not your hands, and if you two need help talking
it out
Mommy will help you.
-=-=-=-=-
But you DID leave her alone with her sister. You didn't protect Lexi.
-=-=-=-
I'm hoping that it's just immaturity and that the message
will sink in eventually.
-=-=-=-=-
Maybe. But what are you going to do to protect others until then?
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
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Kelly Weyd
You may be onto something.........I'm not sure. I think what I need to do is read up some more on Aspergers Sydrome, because she has a LOT of those traits. And well we already know she has Sensory Processing Disorder. Everything I have read about SPD tells me these kids have a really hard time with social skills.........and oh, so many other issues......too many to mention. But the SPD is a neurological issue. I have to put it all in perspective. It's not her fault, and she's not doing it on purpose. She REALLY can not help a lot of these behaviors. And she does get easily frustrated, so you are right I need to acknowledge that.
Kelly
marji <marji@...> wrote:
I could be totally off base here, so if I am just ignore me! I
wonder, though, if saying the same thing over and over (messages
conveying no hitting, use your words, etc.) might be better replaced
by empathy for the Mariah and sympathy for the injured party--without
administering admonishments about what the correct behavior should
have been. In other words, rather than saying, "I want you to use
your words..." saying first, "You must be feeling so {fill in the
blank here} right now!"
As I said, I would be totally wrong here, but I remember you saying
that your daughter is really intelligent, so she probably already
knows what the right behavior ought to be, and it may be frustrating
to her that she doesn't have the ability to get there yet. She also
may be feeling really bad (somewhere inside her, not visible to you)
about being unable to control her angry outbursts, and she may be
able to start feeling a sense of relief if she believes that someone
understands. In fact, saying something like, "I know that you'll be
able to stop hitting and begin use your words when you are able to"
may, in turn, help her get there eventually.
As I said, I could be totally wrong; this kind of thing is not my
issue at all, so I'm really just coming from a place of total
inexperience with this. I guess I'm trying to imagine how I might
feel if I were incapable of controlling my own impulses. I think I'd
really want someone I love to understand me and be patient with me
and believe in me. I'm just thinking that maybe your daughter needs
a new message.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little!
~Marji
P.S. I just had another thought. Perhaps you could have a talk with
her at noncritical times over some kind of treat and ask her if there
are any ways she would like you to help her when she's feeling
rageful. Perhaps you and she could brainstorm about it and she might
come up with ideas about how to get through those times better.
At 10:43 10/16/2006, you wrote:
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
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"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
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Kelly
marji <marji@...> wrote:
I could be totally off base here, so if I am just ignore me! I
wonder, though, if saying the same thing over and over (messages
conveying no hitting, use your words, etc.) might be better replaced
by empathy for the Mariah and sympathy for the injured party--without
administering admonishments about what the correct behavior should
have been. In other words, rather than saying, "I want you to use
your words..." saying first, "You must be feeling so {fill in the
blank here} right now!"
As I said, I would be totally wrong here, but I remember you saying
that your daughter is really intelligent, so she probably already
knows what the right behavior ought to be, and it may be frustrating
to her that she doesn't have the ability to get there yet. She also
may be feeling really bad (somewhere inside her, not visible to you)
about being unable to control her angry outbursts, and she may be
able to start feeling a sense of relief if she believes that someone
understands. In fact, saying something like, "I know that you'll be
able to stop hitting and begin use your words when you are able to"
may, in turn, help her get there eventually.
As I said, I could be totally wrong; this kind of thing is not my
issue at all, so I'm really just coming from a place of total
inexperience with this. I guess I'm trying to imagine how I might
feel if I were incapable of controlling my own impulses. I think I'd
really want someone I love to understand me and be patient with me
and believe in me. I'm just thinking that maybe your daughter needs
a new message.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little!
~Marji
P.S. I just had another thought. Perhaps you could have a talk with
her at noncritical times over some kind of treat and ask her if there
are any ways she would like you to help her when she's feeling
rageful. Perhaps you and she could brainstorm about it and she might
come up with ideas about how to get through those times better.
At 10:43 10/16/2006, you wrote:
>I try not to leave her alone. And of course she's a total Momma's_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
>girl, so she's usually attached to my hip anyway. But like this
>morning is a perfect example. I was taking a shower and the two of
>them were watching t.v. Lexi came in crying because Mariah
>scratched her. Once again I said to Mariah I want you to use your
>words, not your hands, and if you two need help talking it out Mommy
>will help you. I'm hoping that it's just immaturity and that the
>message will sink in eventually.
> Kelly
Marji
<http://www.gaiawolf.org/>GaiaWolf
<http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/GaiaWolf/>Join the GaiaWolf Mailing List
<http://myspace.com/gaiawolf>Visit us on MySpace
"The animals of this world exist for their own reasons. They were
not made for humans any more than blacks were made for whites or
women created for men."
~Alice Walker
_.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._.:~`^'~:._
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Christy Mahoney
--- In [email protected], Kelly Weyd <kellmar98@...>
wrote:
has a LOT of those traits.
This is what I used to think as well. I thought if I just kept
reading, I might find something to help my dd. Well, the more I
read, the worse things got and the more despair I felt. Once I
decided to stop all the reading about disorders and really
concentrate on thinking loving thoughts when I looked at my
daughter, I felt so much better about everything. No, behavior did
not change right away, but we felt more relaxed and behavior has
changed a lot over the past several years. It has been a very
gradual maturing process, and my 11yo dd still has a hard time with
impulse control and negative thinking, but it is oh so much better
than when she was 6 & 7.
I have read a lot of posts from other people who have had the same
experience. I am not nearly as evolved in my relationship with my
daughters as a lot of other people or as I wish I were, but I am
doing better all the time.
*And I still don't even take a shower unless my younger daughter is
settled in my bed, watching something and ready to sleep:) At least
not while my dh is gone, which he is right now.
-Christy M.
wrote:
>need to do is read up some more on Aspergers Sydrome, because she
> You may be onto something.........I'm not sure. I think what I
has a LOT of those traits.
This is what I used to think as well. I thought if I just kept
reading, I might find something to help my dd. Well, the more I
read, the worse things got and the more despair I felt. Once I
decided to stop all the reading about disorders and really
concentrate on thinking loving thoughts when I looked at my
daughter, I felt so much better about everything. No, behavior did
not change right away, but we felt more relaxed and behavior has
changed a lot over the past several years. It has been a very
gradual maturing process, and my 11yo dd still has a hard time with
impulse control and negative thinking, but it is oh so much better
than when she was 6 & 7.
I have read a lot of posts from other people who have had the same
experience. I am not nearly as evolved in my relationship with my
daughters as a lot of other people or as I wish I were, but I am
doing better all the time.
*And I still don't even take a shower unless my younger daughter is
settled in my bed, watching something and ready to sleep:) At least
not while my dh is gone, which he is right now.
-Christy M.
Melissa
Hey,
I have two kids on the spectrum, both with SPD, auditory processing
disorder, one has verbal apraxia, so I know the problems you are
talking about. However, I have to agree with Kelly when she said that
you have to be with them all the time. When Bre was little, we never
left her alone with anyone, because we never KNEW for certain that it
was safe. She sat in the bathroom and played with toys, or eat
snacks, or shower with me. Or I didn't bath until a friend or dh
could be in the house to watch her.
Knowing that she's not doing it on purpose is helpful to *your*
brain, but doesn't help other people. She may not at this point be
able to help herself, but it's your job to help her help herself.
You're her translator, mediator, and close companion until she does
get it. And it does happen, it takes longer, and it takes a lot of
intensive time on your part. I wanted to emphasize what someone said
when they said you have to catch her meltdowns before they happen,
and walk her through more appropriate stages. At this point, she has
ingrained so many bad reactions that it is second nature for her, and
it'll seem much more intense for a while. But soon you'll start to be
able to trust her for five minutes, or ten, or even an hour.
Having SPD means that things are really intense for her, and I'd
suggest lots of opportunity for activity, lots of full body activity
like jumping on the tramp, swinging, climbing, riding a bike, and
lots of fine motor play with playdough, clay, origami, bubbles. Not
only does it help get rid of the nervous energy created by the
constant onslaught of input, it also helps the nervous system mature.
SInetwork.org is a great website if you need ideas or maybe a
consultation with an OT, sometimes just getting ideas is worth it.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
I have two kids on the spectrum, both with SPD, auditory processing
disorder, one has verbal apraxia, so I know the problems you are
talking about. However, I have to agree with Kelly when she said that
you have to be with them all the time. When Bre was little, we never
left her alone with anyone, because we never KNEW for certain that it
was safe. She sat in the bathroom and played with toys, or eat
snacks, or shower with me. Or I didn't bath until a friend or dh
could be in the house to watch her.
Knowing that she's not doing it on purpose is helpful to *your*
brain, but doesn't help other people. She may not at this point be
able to help herself, but it's your job to help her help herself.
You're her translator, mediator, and close companion until she does
get it. And it does happen, it takes longer, and it takes a lot of
intensive time on your part. I wanted to emphasize what someone said
when they said you have to catch her meltdowns before they happen,
and walk her through more appropriate stages. At this point, she has
ingrained so many bad reactions that it is second nature for her, and
it'll seem much more intense for a while. But soon you'll start to be
able to trust her for five minutes, or ten, or even an hour.
Having SPD means that things are really intense for her, and I'd
suggest lots of opportunity for activity, lots of full body activity
like jumping on the tramp, swinging, climbing, riding a bike, and
lots of fine motor play with playdough, clay, origami, bubbles. Not
only does it help get rid of the nervous energy created by the
constant onslaught of input, it also helps the nervous system mature.
SInetwork.org is a great website if you need ideas or maybe a
consultation with an OT, sometimes just getting ideas is worth it.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (9), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (5), Dan
(3), and Avari Rose
share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma
On Oct 16, 2006, at 2:00 PM, Kelly Weyd wrote:
> You may be onto something.........I'm not sure. I think what I need
> to do is read up some more on Aspergers Sydrome, because she has a
> LOT of those traits. And well we already know she has Sensory
> Processing Disorder. Everything I have read about SPD tells me
> these kids have a really hard time with social skills.........and
> oh, so many other issues......too many to mention. But the SPD is a
> neurological issue. I have to put it all in perspective. It's not
> her fault, and she's not doing it on purpose. She REALLY can not
> help a lot of these behaviors. And she does get easily frustrated,
> so you are right I need to acknowledge that.
> Kelly
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]