fullmoonfarm_mn

Hi, I've been a lurker for a few years under one yahoo profile or
another; our computers die a horrible death and we forget passwords
in the time it takes us to get a new computer. I'm Dawn O., mom to
Cait (9) and Clio (7). I've been pursuing RU in that time, slowly
going from school-at-homer to unschooling-but-the-math-and-reading,
and finally we have let go of things including bedtimes and food. I
don't change my ways very quickly, and as I'm trying on new hats I
go back and forth between the new hat and the old one. Eventually,
the old hat just doesn't feel right anymore and I'm able to get rid
of it!
Anyway, I decided to post today because the issue of controlling
our children is coming up more in my life; friends of mine control
their kids in ways I am uncomfortable with. Their kids have to ask
to play video games, to go outside, to watch tv, to use the
computer, to eat, to call a friend, etc. I was asked yesterday if I
let Cait and Clio watch whatever they want, and I said yes, pretty
much, I just like to be with them or availavle in case they have
questions about what they see (this was sparked b/c I asked one of
the kids if they had seen a particular movie I thought he'd be
interested in - Aeon Flux). When I tell them that they can watch
what they want, when they want, I felt like I was met with a silence
(could have been imagined out of fear of judgement?).
My concern is that our culture is so control-oriented that my
friends' approach to raising their kids is accepted unquestioningly
by others and supported by everyone they know (so it must be
right?), so they continue it and expect me to practice it.
Meanwhile, their kids see how my kids are treated and don't
understand why they are raised in a different way. I understand
that the parents are only doing what they feel is right, but
consider my next concern...
The things my friends' kids say to my dd's. One said she is not
allowed to sleep over b/c the rabbit made her sick (huh? rabbit
remained in his cage the entire time of her visit and she got sick
the day after her visit, not the day of). Another girl told them
that her mom said Cait and Clio are spoiled brats. ARRGH! I do my
best not to flaunt our RUing, but you know it's visible.
I just feel like crying. These are supposed to be my friends,
and are my friends, but parenting is getting in the way. If their
kids can't be totally comfortable with us b/c of what their moms
think, and I continue to hear these things from the kids, how can we
have friendship? I don't think the kids are making these things up,
b/c the language and tone used fit the women. My dh is fully
supportive of RU and is the reason why we RU in the first place, but
has come out and said he doesn't understand these ladies either. I'm
not sure if I want to phase out the friendships, b/c I care about
them and their kids. They are wonderful people and do some amazing
things in their lives. I'm just feeling icky right now about the
control thing, and am looking for coping mechanisms for these times
when it rears its ugly head.

I know this was long, but thanks for reading. We live in an
extremely rural area and the nearest unschoolers are a couple hours'
drive away, so I feel pretty disconnected most of the time. I read
the unschoolingbasics board daily to get my doses of reaffirmation,
and appreciate you all being here!
--Dawn O.

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: fullmoonfarm_mn@...


My concern is that our culture is so control-oriented that my
friends' approach to raising their kids is accepted unquestioningly
by others and supported by everyone they know (so it must be
right?), so they continue it and expect me to practice it.

-=-=-=-=-

Yeah---same with school. It's all accepted as normal and right.

-=-=-=-=

The things my friends' kids say to my dd's. One said she is not
allowed to sleep over b/c the rabbit made her sick (huh? rabbit
remained in his cage the entire time of her visit and she got sick
the day after her visit, not the day of). Another girl told them
that her mom said Cait and Clio are spoiled brats. ARRGH! I do my
best not to flaunt our RUing, but you know it's visible.

-=-=-=-

Sure it is!

And it can get worse!

Cameron got a lot of this when we first pulled him out of school. His
friends' parents said some pretty mean things about Cam and us that got
back to us through his friends.

But look at it from their point of view: they *need* to justify why
they think they *have* to do things the way they do. If *your* way is
just as valid, there's *might* be wrong. By telling their kids that
yours're spoiled or will be stupid or will never get into college, they
can justify their own choices in parenting. It makes them seem right.
'Cause who wants spoiled. stupid kids who can't get into college? <bwg>

-==-=-

I just feel like crying. These are supposed to be my friends,
and are my friends, but parenting is getting in the way. If their
kids can't be totally comfortable with us b/c of what their moms
think, and I continue to hear these things from the kids, how can we
have friendship?

-==-=-=-

Well, you may choose to end the friendships. Many friendships end due
to whom you marry and how you choose to rear your children. And ask
yourself, are you getting more from the relationship in other ways?

-=-=-=-

I don't think the kids are making these things up,
b/c the language and tone used fit the women. My dh is fully
supportive of RU and is the reason why we RU in the first place, but
has come out and said he doesn't understand these ladies either. I'm
not sure if I want to phase out the friendships, b/c I care about
them and their kids. They are wonderful people and do some amazing
things in their lives. I'm just feeling icky right now about the
control thing, and am looking for coping mechanisms for these times
when it rears its ugly head.

-=-=-=-

You could point blank ASK them. Ask them why they're choosing to
damage your relationship by making these comments.

-=-=-=-=-=-

I know this was long, but thanks for reading. We live in an
extremely rural area and the nearest unschoolers are a couple hours'
drive away, so I feel pretty disconnected most of the time. I read
the unschoolingbasics board daily to get my doses of reaffirmation,
and appreciate you all being here!

-=-=-=-

You bet! But you may find that those long distance meetups are more
your cup of tea. Or maybe those other folks will change their minds
after you talk with them. It's NOT easy to put up with
conventional/traditional parenting once you've gone the other way. It
hurts to see those antagonistic relationships---and they really think
they are doing what's right TOO. Just like you do! <g>

All my really close friends locally are childless. <G> I have good
relationships with the local unschoolers, but I've had to dump the hard
core schoolers and school-at-homers (doh!) because of how they treat
their kids. But it's my choice, and I'm OK with that. My virtual
friends (on this list and others)---well, I just try to see them
whenever I can. I plan a yearly party to do just that! <bwg>

OH! and I also wanted to say that you could talk with your daughters
about what's happening. Cameron was really hurt that people would think
Ben and I were so crazy---he wanted us to be "normal" again. And his
friends told him that he would be stupid. Patience. Patience. Patience!
I told Cameron that they would see eventually. I was right. Even the
in-laws are coming around! <LOL>

~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org

School's goal is to prepare them to be anything they want. But the
process is so dullifying and kids haven't explored the possibilities of
what they could be that many set their sites as low as possible. They
go to college to get a job to buy stuff. ~Joyce Fetteroll


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