Re: [unschoolingbasics] Being "my kid's slave" was I'm new and unsure
[email protected]
I think you most definitely CAN be a slave....but it isn't because of your kids. It has to do with things like not setting priorities, not being comfortable with personal boundaries, etc.. If you feel as though you are a slave, it is becaue of you. It has little to nothing to do with your kids. Most of the time when kids stop to think about what is going on in a situation, they are gentle and giving (my 7yo <who isn't generally known for kindness>just gave a party favor to his older sister because she accidentally didn't get one)but a lot of the time, kids don't think the situation all the way through. Neither do adults all the time, adults have just had more practice. So yes, sometimes kids step over boundaries. It is our job as a parent to gently and lovingly show them where that boundary is (not with yelling and threats, but with love and compassion in our hearts).
If you find yourself doing things for your child that you resent, it has nothing to do with the child. It has to do with you either having unrealistic expectations of what being a parent is or not knowing how to meet your own needs. For example, my 15yo has a part time job that I drive her to 4 days per week, which means we have to cut short anywhere we go so we can be back so I can drive Adriane. She wanted to add another day to her workweek. I really didn't want to have to be available another day so i told her so. We brainstormed other ways for her to get to work, etc.
I could have just driven another day but I would have been crabby about it.
If you are feeling like a slave, you need to take a long look at your boundaries and expectations. It is not your kids' job to make you feel like a whole and honored person, it is up to you to do that and the only way to have that happen is by interacting with others through love and compassion.
Julie S.--apparently soapboxes abound.
If you find yourself doing things for your child that you resent, it has nothing to do with the child. It has to do with you either having unrealistic expectations of what being a parent is or not knowing how to meet your own needs. For example, my 15yo has a part time job that I drive her to 4 days per week, which means we have to cut short anywhere we go so we can be back so I can drive Adriane. She wanted to add another day to her workweek. I really didn't want to have to be available another day so i told her so. We brainstormed other ways for her to get to work, etc.
I could have just driven another day but I would have been crabby about it.
If you are feeling like a slave, you need to take a long look at your boundaries and expectations. It is not your kids' job to make you feel like a whole and honored person, it is up to you to do that and the only way to have that happen is by interacting with others through love and compassion.
Julie S.--apparently soapboxes abound.
----- Original Message -----
From: Ren Allen <starsuncloud@...>
Date: Saturday, March 18, 2006 6:43 pm
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] I'm new and unsure
> ~Children don't think "I'm going to make a
> mess and I'm going to leave it for my mom because I want her to
> feel
> likemy slave." They play. That joy and imagination is just so
> cool.~
> When we were visiting Alaska this summer, we stayed at my
> Grandma's
> house. One day, the kids had their typical slew of toys and games
> strewn across her basement and we were all in a hurry to go
> somewhere.
> I said "I'm sorry about all the destruction Grandma, we'll get it
> cleaned up when we get back" to which she replied;
> "don't EVER call kid's play destruction!! That's not destruction,
> that's just happy kids."
> I just smooched her and told her how cool she was, thanking her
> for a
> wise reminder.
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Melissa
AMEN! That was where my big shift in thinking came in...I had to
realize that *my* priorities were what was giving me a hard time, I
was idolizing the idea of a clean house, I loved everyone saying "I
don't know how you do it". However my kids were sad because I spent
so much time saying "in a minute" or "later, when I'm done here".
And I think that's where dh and I are struggling, he stayed up late
one night because he *had* to clean up the kids' mess at the end of
the day, and I was saying that he CHOSE to do it.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
realize that *my* priorities were what was giving me a hard time, I
was idolizing the idea of a clean house, I loved everyone saying "I
don't know how you do it". However my kids were sad because I spent
so much time saying "in a minute" or "later, when I'm done here".
And I think that's where dh and I are struggling, he stayed up late
one night because he *had* to clean up the kids' mess at the end of
the day, and I was saying that he CHOSE to do it.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
On Mar 18, 2006, at 8:09 PM, jnjstau@... wrote:
> I think you most definitely CAN be a slave....but it isn't because
> of your kids. It has to do with things like not setting
> priorities, not being comfortable with personal boundaries, etc..
> If you feel as though you are a slave, it is becaue of you. It has
> little to nothing to do with your kids. Most of the time when kids
> stop to think about what is going on in a situation, they are
> gentle and giving (my 7yo <who isn't generally known for
> kindness>just gave a party favor to his older sister because she
> accidentally didn't get one)but a lot of the time, kids don't think
> the situation all the way through. Neither do adults all the time,
> adults have just had more practice. So yes, sometimes kids step
> over boundaries. It is our job as a parent to gently and lovingly
> show them where that boundary is (not with yelling and threats, but
> with love and compassion in our hearts).
[email protected]
<<he stayed up late one night because he HAD to clean up the kids mess at the end of the day and I said he CHOSE to do it>>
But see now I understand your DH's point of view as well. I simply can't function with a bunch of clutter. It is almost as though my brain shorts out and I feel claustrophobic. We are currently remodeling so you can imagine how functional I am right now <grin>.
But I finally realized that the problem wasn't the kids. It was the fact that *I* wasn't doing what was necessary to get my needs met. When I started focusing on how much better *I* would feel when the mess was cleaned away, it made it no differrent than brushing my teeth in the morning. Guess I could gripe that my teeth continue to get fuzzy every night no matter how much I nag at them, but I don't think it would do any good.
There are also times when things tend to kind of slide toward people just leaving things laying around because in the back of their mind they know I'll handle it. We have tried various approaches because the kids are really good about helping me when I ask. I just have to remember that it is MY responsibility to ask for help when I need it rather than subconsciously waiting for them to read my mind and then blowing a gasket because they didn't.
Julie S.
Julie S.
But see now I understand your DH's point of view as well. I simply can't function with a bunch of clutter. It is almost as though my brain shorts out and I feel claustrophobic. We are currently remodeling so you can imagine how functional I am right now <grin>.
But I finally realized that the problem wasn't the kids. It was the fact that *I* wasn't doing what was necessary to get my needs met. When I started focusing on how much better *I* would feel when the mess was cleaned away, it made it no differrent than brushing my teeth in the morning. Guess I could gripe that my teeth continue to get fuzzy every night no matter how much I nag at them, but I don't think it would do any good.
There are also times when things tend to kind of slide toward people just leaving things laying around because in the back of their mind they know I'll handle it. We have tried various approaches because the kids are really good about helping me when I ask. I just have to remember that it is MY responsibility to ask for help when I need it rather than subconsciously waiting for them to read my mind and then blowing a gasket because they didn't.
Julie S.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: Melissa <autismhelp@...>
Date: Saturday, March 18, 2006 9:41 pm
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Being "my kid's slave" was I'm new and unsure
> AMEN! That was where my big shift in thinking came in...I had to
> realize that *my* priorities were what was giving me a hard time,
> I
> was idolizing the idea of a clean house, I loved everyone saying
> "I
> don't know how you do it". However my kids were sad because I
> spent
> so much time saying "in a minute" or "later, when I'm done here".
>
> And I think that's where dh and I are struggling, he stayed up
> late
> one night because he *had* to clean up the kids' mess at the end
> of
> the day, and I was saying that he CHOSE to do it.
> Melissa
> Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
>
> (2), and Avari Rose
>
>
> On Mar 18, 2006, at 8:09 PM, jnjstau@... wrote:
>
> > I think you most definitely CAN be a slave....but it isn't
> because
> > of your kids. It has to do with things like not setting
> > priorities, not being comfortable with personal boundaries,
> etc..
> > If you feel as though you are a slave, it is becaue of you. It
> has
> > little to nothing to do with your kids. Most of the time when
> kids
> > stop to think about what is going on in a situation, they are
> > gentle and giving (my 7yo <who isn't generally known for
> > kindness>just gave a party favor to his older sister because she
>
> > accidentally didn't get one)but a lot of the time, kids don't
> think
> > the situation all the way through. Neither do adults all the
> time,
> > adults have just had more practice. So yes, sometimes kids step
>
> > over boundaries. It is our job as a parent to gently and
> lovingly
> > show them where that boundary is (not with yelling and threats,
> but
> > with love and compassion in our hearts).
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Melissa
Oh, I have a hard time functioning in clutter, I have some OCD
tendencies and several sensory issues as well, and I hate a messy
house. That's not the point though, my point is what you addressed
in the second paragraph. It's not about kids. It's about us. We have
the problems. We choose how we react. We choose to stay up late to
clean, and we have no right to grump at the kids when we make that
choice. We can ask for help, we can raise up our children to be free
to make that choice, and make it willingly and lovingly...if we model
that behavior. I was saying in my original post that none of us are
the slaves of others, we have a choice to act and react the way we
do. I don't know I think Sandra Dodd explained it better in her website.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
tendencies and several sensory issues as well, and I hate a messy
house. That's not the point though, my point is what you addressed
in the second paragraph. It's not about kids. It's about us. We have
the problems. We choose how we react. We choose to stay up late to
clean, and we have no right to grump at the kids when we make that
choice. We can ask for help, we can raise up our children to be free
to make that choice, and make it willingly and lovingly...if we model
that behavior. I was saying in my original post that none of us are
the slaves of others, we have a choice to act and react the way we
do. I don't know I think Sandra Dodd explained it better in her website.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
On Mar 19, 2006, at 9:51 AM, jnjstau@... wrote:
> <<he stayed up late one night because he HAD to clean up the kids
> mess at the end of the day and I said he CHOSE to do it>>
>
> But see now I understand your DH's point of view as well. I simply
> can't function with a bunch of clutter. It is almost as though my
> brain shorts out and I feel claustrophobic. We are currently
> remodeling so you can imagine how functional I am right now <grin>.
>
> But I finally realized that the problem wasn't the kids. It was
> the fact that *I* wasn't doing what was necessary to get my needs
> met. When I started focusing on how much better *I* would feel
> when the mess was cleaned away, it made it no differrent than
> brushing my teeth in the morning. Guess I could gripe that my
> teeth continue to get fuzzy every night no matter how much I nag at
> them, but I don't think it would do any good.
>
> There are also times when things tend to kind of slide toward
> people just leaving things laying around because in the back of
> their mind they know I'll handle it. We have tried various
> approaches because the kids are really good about helping me when I
> ask. I just have to remember that it is MY responsibility to ask
> for help when I need it rather than subconsciously waiting for them
> to read my mind and then blowing a gasket because they didn't.
>
Lawrita Sleepe
I believe there is a fine balance in asking them for
help and then also having some boundaries. If there
are no requirements place on kids as they are growing,
how will they know how to handle requirements placed
on them in the workplace. There are some things in
life that aren't "suggestions" or requests. Even God
requires things of us that we may not like.
--- Melissa <autismhelp@...> wrote:
For I know that the Lord is great, and that our Lord is above all gods. Psalm 135:5
__________________________________________________
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help and then also having some boundaries. If there
are no requirements place on kids as they are growing,
how will they know how to handle requirements placed
on them in the workplace. There are some things in
life that aren't "suggestions" or requests. Even God
requires things of us that we may not like.
--- Melissa <autismhelp@...> wrote:
> Oh, I have a hard time functioning in clutter, ILawrita Sleepe
> have some OCD
> tendencies and several sensory issues as well, and I
> hate a messy
> house. That's not the point though, my point is
> what you addressed
> in the second paragraph. It's not about kids. It's
> about us. We have
> the problems. We choose how we react. We choose to
> stay up late to
> clean, and we have no right to grump at the kids
> when we make that
> choice. We can ask for help, we can raise up our
> children to be free
> to make that choice, and make it willingly and
> lovingly...if we model
> that behavior. I was saying in my original post that
> none of us are
> the slaves of others, we have a choice to act and
> react the way we
> do. I don't know I think Sandra Dodd explained it
> better in her website.
>
> Melissa
> Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel
> (6), Sam (4), Dan
> (2), and Avari Rose
>
>
> On Mar 19, 2006, at 9:51 AM, jnjstau@...
> wrote:
>
> > <<he stayed up late one night because he HAD to
> clean up the kids
> > mess at the end of the day and I said he CHOSE to
> do it>>
> >
> > But see now I understand your DH's point of view
> as well. I simply
> > can't function with a bunch of clutter. It is
> almost as though my
> > brain shorts out and I feel claustrophobic. We
> are currently
> > remodeling so you can imagine how functional I am
> right now <grin>.
> >
> > But I finally realized that the problem wasn't the
> kids. It was
> > the fact that *I* wasn't doing what was necessary
> to get my needs
> > met. When I started focusing on how much better
> *I* would feel
> > when the mess was cleaned away, it made it no
> differrent than
> > brushing my teeth in the morning. Guess I could
> gripe that my
> > teeth continue to get fuzzy every night no matter
> how much I nag at
> > them, but I don't think it would do any good.
> >
> > There are also times when things tend to kind of
> slide toward
> > people just leaving things laying around because
> in the back of
> > their mind they know I'll handle it. We have
> tried various
> > approaches because the kids are really good about
> helping me when I
> > ask. I just have to remember that it is MY
> responsibility to ask
> > for help when I need it rather than subconsciously
> waiting for them
> > to read my mind and then blowing a gasket because
> they didn't.
> >
>
For I know that the Lord is great, and that our Lord is above all gods. Psalm 135:5
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
Joanne
--- In [email protected], Lawrita Sleepe
<lsleepe@...> wrote: If there are no requirements place on kids as
they are growing, how will they know how to handle requirements
placed on them in the workplace.>>>>>>>>
Here are some pages from Sandra's website that may help you with
that kind of thinking. I sometimes let myself get caught up in
"If I let them (fill in the blank) then they'll never (fill in the
blank)" and when I read these two pages, it helps so I thought I'd
pass it along. :-)
http://www.sandradodd.com/ifilet.html
http://sandradodd.com/chores
the word "us", you're kinda speaking for me (and anyone else who
questions the existance of god). :-)
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
<lsleepe@...> wrote: If there are no requirements place on kids as
they are growing, how will they know how to handle requirements
placed on them in the workplace.>>>>>>>>
Here are some pages from Sandra's website that may help you with
that kind of thinking. I sometimes let myself get caught up in
"If I let them (fill in the blank) then they'll never (fill in the
blank)" and when I read these two pages, it helps so I thought I'd
pass it along. :-)
http://www.sandradodd.com/ifilet.html
http://sandradodd.com/chores
>>>>Even God requires things of us that we may not like.>>>>God may require things of *you*, but I'm an agnostic. When you use
the word "us", you're kinda speaking for me (and anyone else who
questions the existance of god). :-)
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
Melissa
Since it's been brought up, God doesn't 'require' anything from you,
you choose to offer it to Him as worship. That's why we have free will.
I go on the same concept for my children.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
you choose to offer it to Him as worship. That's why we have free will.
I go on the same concept for my children.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
> --- In [email protected], Lawrita Sleepe
>
> >>>>Even God requires things of us that we may not like.>>>>
>
Lesa McMahon-Lowe
Thanks for posting that Melissa! I was so thinking the same thing. :)
Lesa
-------Original Message-------
From: Melissa
Date: 03/19/06 13:47:49
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Being "my kid's slave"
Since it's been brought up, God doesn't 'require' anything from you,
you choose to offer it to Him as worship. That's why we have free will.
I go on the same concept for my children.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
school education
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education
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa
-------Original Message-------
From: Melissa
Date: 03/19/06 13:47:49
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Being "my kid's slave"
Since it's been brought up, God doesn't 'require' anything from you,
you choose to offer it to Him as worship. That's why we have free will.
I go on the same concept for my children.
Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose
> --- In [email protected], Lawrita SleepeSPONSORED LINKS Secondary school education Graduate school education Home
>
> >>>>Even God requires things of us that we may not like.>>>>
>
school education
Graduate school education online High school education Chicago school
education
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Visit your group "unschoolingbasics" on the web.
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
>>If there are no requirements place on kids as they are growing,how will they know how to handle requirements placed
on them in the workplace.>>
I find that life itself presents requirements and challenges. So I don't feel the need to add arbitrary ones for my kids to "learn" from.
My 16 year old son is currently working in our family restaurant. He did not have assigned chores growing up although he would help out if needed. He didn't have to get up at a certain time each morning for school, but he'd set an alarm if there was an activity he wanted to attend. He has been a good employee for us. He shows up on time and does what is required and beyond. He knows how to step up when the situation calls for it. He's been respected in his own life and he shows us the same respect in return.
>>Even God requires things of us that we may not like.>>That's not part of my spiritual belief system. Not everyone believes in this form of a god.
--
~Mary
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: Lawrita Sleepe <lsleepe@...>
Paige
There are some things in
to do lots of things I wasn't "prepared" for. I managed, without
having had to have chores and responsiblities as a child. I really
can't see how they would have helped me with the things I had to do,
anyway.
When I first got married I was working breakfast shift at a
resturant. I managed to get up at 4:30 every day although I had never
done it before.
I stayed alone at home at night (for the first time!) as the "adult in
charge" with 5 children under the age of 7 when I was 23. Should I
have had responsiblities to prepare me for that?
I buried my 3-month-old son on my 25th birthday. What responsiblities
would you suggest to prepare children, just in case that happens
*someday*?
My DH tried to commit suicide and I had to have him committed to a
psychiatric hospital...if I had been forced to wash dishes as a child
would it have prepared me or helped me do that?
Learning to *love and live* will prepare children more than anything
else. Prepare for life by living it!
My family helped me through these things, perhaps if I had been *made*
to do chores as a child we wouldn't have been as close...
If someday, God forbid, my children have to go through any of the
things I have been through, I want our relationship to be as strong as
possible...if making them do things they don't want to as children
will weaken the bond we have, I want nothing to do with it.
Paige
> life that aren't "suggestions" or requests. .And in life they will find ways to deal with these things. I have had
to do lots of things I wasn't "prepared" for. I managed, without
having had to have chores and responsiblities as a child. I really
can't see how they would have helped me with the things I had to do,
anyway.
When I first got married I was working breakfast shift at a
resturant. I managed to get up at 4:30 every day although I had never
done it before.
I stayed alone at home at night (for the first time!) as the "adult in
charge" with 5 children under the age of 7 when I was 23. Should I
have had responsiblities to prepare me for that?
I buried my 3-month-old son on my 25th birthday. What responsiblities
would you suggest to prepare children, just in case that happens
*someday*?
My DH tried to commit suicide and I had to have him committed to a
psychiatric hospital...if I had been forced to wash dishes as a child
would it have prepared me or helped me do that?
Learning to *love and live* will prepare children more than anything
else. Prepare for life by living it!
My family helped me through these things, perhaps if I had been *made*
to do chores as a child we wouldn't have been as close...
If someday, God forbid, my children have to go through any of the
things I have been through, I want our relationship to be as strong as
possible...if making them do things they don't want to as children
will weaken the bond we have, I want nothing to do with it.
Paige
[email protected]
You are so right, Paige. I have been dealing with many life struggles as you
obviously have, however, one of my missing links, is my family. My parents
were very controlling and judgmental, conservative administrators in a public
school system, with lots of rules and ideas about how things 'should' be.
According to them, if a child didn't toe the line, they were destined to a life of
misery. Nothing was worse than being a 'misfit." Although they considered
themselves to be educated, my folks had no tolerance for divergent thinkers or
eccentric adults. And anyone with problems had themselves to blame, for not
going along with all of society's rules!
So, while I did my chores instead of playing, slept on time instead of
reading late, did homework instead of watching TV, and made good grades in school,
excelled in drama, gymnastics, art, choir and other electives, I resented their
rigidness. We had a housekeeper and a gardener, because my parents had more
important things to do. It was like they had forgotten how to have fun.
So perhaps that is how I did not learn to think quickly, or cope with the
unexpected (good or bad), as everything was plotted out and demanded. These are
things I am teaching myself belatedly as an adult.
Sheesh, they barely know their grandchildren, and we only speak once or twice
a year now, from a very long distance. It's a long and winding road, but it
started somewhere.
NO MORE FORCED CHORES AND MANIPULATIONS. I so wish my parents had known
something about joyful encouragement, working WITH their children, and relaxing
enough to enjoy us beyond our accomplishments.
Bird
obviously have, however, one of my missing links, is my family. My parents
were very controlling and judgmental, conservative administrators in a public
school system, with lots of rules and ideas about how things 'should' be.
According to them, if a child didn't toe the line, they were destined to a life of
misery. Nothing was worse than being a 'misfit." Although they considered
themselves to be educated, my folks had no tolerance for divergent thinkers or
eccentric adults. And anyone with problems had themselves to blame, for not
going along with all of society's rules!
So, while I did my chores instead of playing, slept on time instead of
reading late, did homework instead of watching TV, and made good grades in school,
excelled in drama, gymnastics, art, choir and other electives, I resented their
rigidness. We had a housekeeper and a gardener, because my parents had more
important things to do. It was like they had forgotten how to have fun.
So perhaps that is how I did not learn to think quickly, or cope with the
unexpected (good or bad), as everything was plotted out and demanded. These are
things I am teaching myself belatedly as an adult.
Sheesh, they barely know their grandchildren, and we only speak once or twice
a year now, from a very long distance. It's a long and winding road, but it
started somewhere.
NO MORE FORCED CHORES AND MANIPULATIONS. I so wish my parents had known
something about joyful encouragement, working WITH their children, and relaxing
enough to enjoy us beyond our accomplishments.
Bird