Julie Stauffer

To begin with let me tell you where I was as a parent about 4 years ago. My
children were spanked, we lived on a fairly rigid schedule (mondays-laundry,
tuesday-clean the house), I was in complete control of the kids (what they
watched, ate, who they played with, etc.). Then we discovered unschooling
and it was like a light went on. My parents were very relaxed, supportive
parents to me and I went a little nuts as an adolescent (have since figured
out that it was about me, nothing to do with them). I somehow bought into
the plan (could it have been that graduate degree in psychology?) that if I
just could make my kids tow the line enough that life would be a breeze for
them.

We have 5 kids, ranging from 11 down to 2 three year olds. We are
completely unschooling for several years now and loving it. The kids have
much more control over their lives and all seem happier. However, it is
like I have hit a plateau or something.

I do really good with the kids as long as no massive stress comes into play.
The kids are asked nicely to do things and usually agree. The kids make
their own decisions about food, tv, friends, etc.. Lots of hugs and kisses,
lots of laughing but with 7 of us in the house and 3 under age 6, we live on
the edge of chaos (which again is ok as long as life is smooth). Then
something happens and I find myself taking out my stress on the kids
(over-reacting, biting someone's head off, etc.) I always apologize when I
have one of my tantrums but I'm having trouble moving past this level.

We have very busy lives, just trying to keep up with the kids so I figure
stress is inevitable and I better cowboy up. I have changed my diet,
started working out again, say a prayer for patience daily. Any thoughts,
comments or criticisms would be greatly appreciated.

Julie

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/28/02 11:32:42 AM, jnjstau@... writes:

<< Then
something happens and I find myself taking out my stress on the kids
(over-reacting, biting someone's head off, etc.) I always apologize when I
have one of my tantrums but I'm having trouble moving past this level. >>

Do any of the kids ever do that?
It could just be genetics.

One thing I've never read, but figured out on my own from observation, is
that some people take a long while for adrenaline to come on them. They are
always called "Self controlled" but really they just don't get excited
(biochemically speaking) very easily.

Then some DO. I knew a woman who jumped straight to fight-or-flight about
just about everything, and she stayed angry for 24 hours or more. Whatever
chemical or process undoes adrenaline, hers wasn't working very well.

Tricks to put off that moment can work a long time, but not, I think,
forever.

One thing about being angry is it give kids the opportunity to figure out how
to respond differently to someone whose dander's up. It's a good skill to
have. Even if we tell them "Please go away for half an hour so I can be
grumpy all by myself." Or if we say "Go clean the library so when I go in
there I don't throw a fit."

Deep breathing helps me. Oxygen and more oxygen when I'm about to lose it.

Sometimes asking for help from someone real and present helps. Picking a
kid, or my husband, and or a visiting friend, and saying "I'm feeling really
stressed and I don't want to yell, so what's the easiest way for me to get
through this next half hour?" Sometimes that helps.

(I'm thinking about how Holly's birthday is Saturday and I can't go up and
clean out a cake-eating area. There are two tables that are possibilities
and I have no idea the status of either of them, so I'm frustrated.)

Sandra

Betsy

**We have very busy lives, just trying to keep up with the kids so I figure
stress is inevitable and I better cowboy up. I have changed my diet,
started working out again, say a prayer for patience daily. Any thoughts,
comments or criticisms would be greatly appreciated.**

What comes to mind to me is "make your lives less busy". Drop an
activity or postpone a commitment or something.

Or, get more help for you, even if it's a few hours a week of paid help,
like a teenager who will do stuff with the kids or do light housework.

Or, simplify what you do. Put the hamper closer to the washer, eat
easier to prepare foods, wash the sheets less often, or put the less
popular toys/things into storage in the garage for awhile. Put some of
the toys that are the most annoying to pick up relative to their play
value and put them in a harder to reach place. (Yes -- I am EVIL! <g>)

That's all I can think of. I realize none of these suggestions are
original (but they are free).

Betsy

Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema

Julie,
Let me get this straight, you've got 5 kids, three under 6 and sometimes
you lose it.
Honey, I lose it sometimes with two. (Well, three counting the
husband.) ...or rather, I *used* to snap a lot more than I do now.

Do all the stuff that Betsy recommended. That'll help, and yeah, it'll
cost some pennies but if it's money versus hollaring at your kids, well,
maybe it's worth it.

If you find yourself still 'losing it', get yourself to a doctor or
psychiatrist. You're under a GREAT deal of stress just keeping things
going from day to day. If you're snapping over things that normally would
slide right off your back, you might have problems with your seratonin
uptake mechanisms. Meds can help. (And this is where I come out of the
closet.) I've gone through it and been there. My body sucks the seratonin
out of my brain like a hoover on turbo. I love my meds. It lets the
seratonin hang out longer, which is lovely. (This, coming from a woman who
doesn't like to take headache meds and has only selectively vaccinated her
kids.) I don't pop meds lightly, but these are GREAT. I still get pissed
off when the world deserves it, but I don't 'lose it' anymore, I don't get
frustrated as easily by the little stuff and I'm still 'me' with my
same-old wry sense of humor. It's wonderful stuff!!!

It's something to consider and it's usually covered by insurance.
Heidi

Peggy

Julie Stauffer wrote:
>
> To begin with let me tell you where I was as a parent about 4 years ago. My
> children were spanked, we lived on a fairly rigid schedule (mondays-laundry,
> tuesday-clean the house), I was in complete control of the kids (what they
> watched, ate, who they played with, etc.). Then we discovered unschooling
> and it was like a light went on. My parents were very relaxed, supportive
> parents to me and I went a little nuts as an adolescent (have since figured
> out that it was about me, nothing to do with them). I somehow bought into
> the plan (could it have been that graduate degree in psychology?) that if I
> just could make my kids tow the line enough that life would be a breeze for
> them.
>
> We have 5 kids, ranging from 11 down to 2 three year olds. We are
> completely unschooling for several years now and loving it. The kids have
> much more control over their lives and all seem happier. However, it is
> like I have hit a plateau or something.
>
> I do really good with the kids as long as no massive stress comes into play.
> The kids are asked nicely to do things and usually agree. The kids make
> their own decisions about food, tv, friends, etc.. Lots of hugs and kisses,
> lots of laughing but with 7 of us in the house and 3 under age 6, we live on
> the edge of chaos (which again is ok as long as life is smooth). Then
> something happens and I find myself taking out my stress on the kids
> (over-reacting, biting someone's head off, etc.) I always apologize when I
> have one of my tantrums but I'm having trouble moving past this level.
>
> We have very busy lives, just trying to keep up with the kids so I figure
> stress is inevitable and I better cowboy up. I have changed my diet,
> started working out again, say a prayer for patience daily. Any thoughts,
> comments or criticisms would be greatly appreciated.
>

It sounds as if you are very aware and have given this all quite a bit a
thought. So forgive me if I presume to ask you if you've read any of Alice
Miller's work? She has quite a few books out and also there is quite a bit by
her over at www.naturalchild.com. In my experience "Normal" psychological
educational training doesn't really unveil the ways that we disrespect
children in our culture from birth on. Reading Alice Miller helped me to
understand whole sections of my life where I didn't get the kinds of things
that all humans need. At times with my own children, especially when they hit
an age at which *I* had difficulty as a child, it was if I was blocked in
dealing with them. I don't know how to explain it, but her words can be so
healing. They freed me from thinking I had to protect, in my mind, people who
while trying their best still did me harm. That allowed me to both accept the
pain and the harm and move on and get beyond it in ways that "understanding
and forgiving" hadn't let me. If that makes any sense? This in turn allowed me
to be more generous and less demanding of my own children.

As someone with a strong background in psychology you might find _The Drama of
the Gifted Child_ (gifted in this case means sensitive and aware) particularly
interesting.

I find the whole subject fascinating.

Peggy

Julie Stauffer

Apparently the biggest help I needed was just venting about myself. I feel
much better and today has been pretty darn good. I really do feel that the
stuff I go off about is worthy of frustration, Zach (9) has lost the wire
snips AGAIN after he promised to put them away when he used them, Danny (3)
ruining the remote control because he wanted to see what was inside it,
Michelle (3) using the dining room wall as a coloring book all in the same
day. I just want to modulate my responses better.

Sandra, you may have something with genetics. I'm a lot like my dad. He is
a lot of fun, not a big control freak or anything, but when he gets mad, he
gets really mad, lets it out and its over within a few minutes. Something
to think about. Problem is my ideal is to be something like the Zen master
from the old "Kung Fu" show. <sigh>

Julie