Family life
[email protected]
Hello Everyone,
Tim finally found a solution to our computer troubles, now I won't send any
more messages 3 times. Sorry about that.
We stayed home this weekend without an agenda. The kids watched cartoons for
hours, then played games and folded origami. We swam in our vinyl pool, and at
the city pools. I read Ashley the last half of Little Princess. We let the
kittens out to explore the yard. Tim mowed and watered.
Tim and I are amazed that in our family, the three kids can not manage to
cope with each other for more than 2 minutes. You all have heard about us
before. My oldest pesters her brother and he responds physically. Both older
kids do great with their sister, who is 2.5. So, even though we were home
without a rush just by ourselves, we had tension that gets very tiring as my 2
kids work out their relationship.
Ashley continues to whine cry at the slightest suggestions from mom and dad.
She just does not seem to enjoy life with her family, which depresses us.
She's bright, energetic, creative, nurturing to others. We wonder is she
tired? Over stimulated? Bored? If life does not go as Ashley has planned, she
fights and cries and whines so no one else can enjoy themselves. She had a
sleepover this week and threw a tantrum because she talked her friend into
doing something that made her friend sad. As I spoke with her about force and
coersion, she blew up into tears and her sad feelings overshadowed the fact
that her friend said no and Ashley talked her into taking apart a bracelet
that is very difficult to put back together. All this at 6 am. Ashley scream
cried for 15 minutes. I walked Kelly home, she needed her mom now. Kelly is
quiet and lets Ashley trample all over her.
We've managed play dates and outings and all kinds of Ashley focus for years
now and still, she does not seem to have much fun here. I'm looking at her
adult self in the future. She has many great traits. She is determined, she
knows her position, she creates elabotate plans and follows through with them.
She is passionate about her ideas. How then do we go about helping her be more
polite, respectful of others feelings? Had she heard Kelly say, no Ashley I do
not want to take my bracelet apart and repected that no, the resulting sadness
would not have followed. We respect her words. We model respect constantly.
She seems deaf to our words.
Wow, I guess I needed to vent again about my daughter who throws us new
confounding pitches each week. Tim bought us a new car while I was away with 2
other HS moms and kids for camping, wow I'm in the mini van club now. We will
continue to learn Beattles songs this week for a Friday night show. Tim is
looking forward to bringing his brother, 37 with Downs Syndrom, up for a
visit.
Peace,
Mary H.
Tim finally found a solution to our computer troubles, now I won't send any
more messages 3 times. Sorry about that.
We stayed home this weekend without an agenda. The kids watched cartoons for
hours, then played games and folded origami. We swam in our vinyl pool, and at
the city pools. I read Ashley the last half of Little Princess. We let the
kittens out to explore the yard. Tim mowed and watered.
Tim and I are amazed that in our family, the three kids can not manage to
cope with each other for more than 2 minutes. You all have heard about us
before. My oldest pesters her brother and he responds physically. Both older
kids do great with their sister, who is 2.5. So, even though we were home
without a rush just by ourselves, we had tension that gets very tiring as my 2
kids work out their relationship.
Ashley continues to whine cry at the slightest suggestions from mom and dad.
She just does not seem to enjoy life with her family, which depresses us.
She's bright, energetic, creative, nurturing to others. We wonder is she
tired? Over stimulated? Bored? If life does not go as Ashley has planned, she
fights and cries and whines so no one else can enjoy themselves. She had a
sleepover this week and threw a tantrum because she talked her friend into
doing something that made her friend sad. As I spoke with her about force and
coersion, she blew up into tears and her sad feelings overshadowed the fact
that her friend said no and Ashley talked her into taking apart a bracelet
that is very difficult to put back together. All this at 6 am. Ashley scream
cried for 15 minutes. I walked Kelly home, she needed her mom now. Kelly is
quiet and lets Ashley trample all over her.
We've managed play dates and outings and all kinds of Ashley focus for years
now and still, she does not seem to have much fun here. I'm looking at her
adult self in the future. She has many great traits. She is determined, she
knows her position, she creates elabotate plans and follows through with them.
She is passionate about her ideas. How then do we go about helping her be more
polite, respectful of others feelings? Had she heard Kelly say, no Ashley I do
not want to take my bracelet apart and repected that no, the resulting sadness
would not have followed. We respect her words. We model respect constantly.
She seems deaf to our words.
Wow, I guess I needed to vent again about my daughter who throws us new
confounding pitches each week. Tim bought us a new car while I was away with 2
other HS moms and kids for camping, wow I'm in the mini van club now. We will
continue to learn Beattles songs this week for a Friday night show. Tim is
looking forward to bringing his brother, 37 with Downs Syndrom, up for a
visit.
Peace,
Mary H.
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/29/02 9:46:40 AM, maryfhickman@... writes:
<< Had she heard Kelly say, no Ashley I do
not want to take my bracelet apart and repected that no, the resulting sadness
would not have followed. >>
This is so rough.
Is she better when an adult is right with her? I don't remember how old she
is.
Does she have her own room and her own separate stuff? My thought about the
bracelet (which certainly could be wrong) is based on some factors in my own
childhood with a very, very difficult cousin who lived with us. Because she
felt nothing was really hers in the world, and that other people had things
she didn't, she was destructive. And sometimes in that same way, getting
others to sabotage or destroy their own happiness so that she's not the one
who took the action (as she saw it).
I felt sorry for her then and I do now, but I don't believe that to this day
she has anything of value, physical or sentimental. She defined herself as a
person who didn't have enough, and made that come true.
If Ashley is jealous, that's a neediness. If she resents her brother is it
because she's crowded physically? Is she having to share things with him she
doesn't want to share? That seems too simplistic in a way, but maybe it's a
basic. Sharing isn't necessary to the toothbrush-and-air level. To what
level IS it necessary? Different families have different levels of
closeness, whether imposed or voluntary or necessity. Can she be given more
space?
One of the things that surprised me and changed my whole perspective on
family life was the idea of a child being greatly mismatched with parents.
We're fortunate that each of our children is recognizeably like one of us, or
in the case of Holly, has traits we recognize from both of us or other
relatives. But what I read and heard people talk about a dozen years ago or
so (maybe someone here knows of books or a website) was about what happens if
two quiet parents have a very talkative child? What if two outgoing,
talkative parents have an introverted and quiet-seeking child? Sometimes the
parents try to change the child to the point of psychotherapy and drugs to
make him "right."
These ideas are being thrown out kind of as stabs in the dark. Maybe they're
total misses. But if you have a child who DOES have space, privacy,
possessions and isn't jealous of friends and neighbors (not always something
a family can engineer, I know) is it possibly that she's a mismatch for the
family? And if so, is it possible you could find another adult or teen,
maybe who is a better match who could do things with her sometimes, let her
hang out with their family, give her some more focussed one-on-one time, a
place to vent, talk, be different? Not for life, just maybe a year or
several years until she gets some more control of her impulses and some
better understanding of what she can do to make herself and others around her
more comfortable.
Because if the modelling and persuasion of the family isn't affecting her,
maybe someone else's method or description or view will make sense to her,
and you could appeal to that other person to try to give her what she's not
getting, or explain in a whole different way.
It might cost money. You might have to "hire a babysitter" in a way, but it
might be well worth it.
And if none of that makes a lick of sense in the current situation, let it
pass on by.
Sandra
<< Had she heard Kelly say, no Ashley I do
not want to take my bracelet apart and repected that no, the resulting sadness
would not have followed. >>
This is so rough.
Is she better when an adult is right with her? I don't remember how old she
is.
Does she have her own room and her own separate stuff? My thought about the
bracelet (which certainly could be wrong) is based on some factors in my own
childhood with a very, very difficult cousin who lived with us. Because she
felt nothing was really hers in the world, and that other people had things
she didn't, she was destructive. And sometimes in that same way, getting
others to sabotage or destroy their own happiness so that she's not the one
who took the action (as she saw it).
I felt sorry for her then and I do now, but I don't believe that to this day
she has anything of value, physical or sentimental. She defined herself as a
person who didn't have enough, and made that come true.
If Ashley is jealous, that's a neediness. If she resents her brother is it
because she's crowded physically? Is she having to share things with him she
doesn't want to share? That seems too simplistic in a way, but maybe it's a
basic. Sharing isn't necessary to the toothbrush-and-air level. To what
level IS it necessary? Different families have different levels of
closeness, whether imposed or voluntary or necessity. Can she be given more
space?
One of the things that surprised me and changed my whole perspective on
family life was the idea of a child being greatly mismatched with parents.
We're fortunate that each of our children is recognizeably like one of us, or
in the case of Holly, has traits we recognize from both of us or other
relatives. But what I read and heard people talk about a dozen years ago or
so (maybe someone here knows of books or a website) was about what happens if
two quiet parents have a very talkative child? What if two outgoing,
talkative parents have an introverted and quiet-seeking child? Sometimes the
parents try to change the child to the point of psychotherapy and drugs to
make him "right."
These ideas are being thrown out kind of as stabs in the dark. Maybe they're
total misses. But if you have a child who DOES have space, privacy,
possessions and isn't jealous of friends and neighbors (not always something
a family can engineer, I know) is it possibly that she's a mismatch for the
family? And if so, is it possible you could find another adult or teen,
maybe who is a better match who could do things with her sometimes, let her
hang out with their family, give her some more focussed one-on-one time, a
place to vent, talk, be different? Not for life, just maybe a year or
several years until she gets some more control of her impulses and some
better understanding of what she can do to make herself and others around her
more comfortable.
Because if the modelling and persuasion of the family isn't affecting her,
maybe someone else's method or description or view will make sense to her,
and you could appeal to that other person to try to give her what she's not
getting, or explain in a whole different way.
It might cost money. You might have to "hire a babysitter" in a way, but it
might be well worth it.
And if none of that makes a lick of sense in the current situation, let it
pass on by.
Sandra
Sharon Rudd
I was reminded of Angelica in the Rugrats :-) Awfull
and loveable, too.
Sharon of the Swamp
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and loveable, too.
Sharon of the Swamp
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Health - Feel better, live better
http://health.yahoo.com
Nancy Wooton
on 7/30/02 4:13 AM, Sharon Rudd at bearspawprint@... wrote:
Nancy
> I was reminded of Angelica in the Rugrats :-) AwfullAnd her parents are there for all to see; a cautionary tale. :-)
> and loveable, too.
Nancy